Please, God

Please God are the only words that I can say.

Same story as yesterday. We are waiting to discuss our options with the doctor.

All I can do is cry out to God and beg for a miracle. The kind of miracle where blind men can see, the lame can walk and 5,000 can eat from a boy’s lunch. Hopeless situations where God steps in and moves as only He can. That is what we need today. A miracle.

I want to scream and hit and be angry at God. I have never felt this way before nor been in such a bleak situation like this. I am hanging on by a thread to the words I wrote last night about trusting that if this is the month, we will conceive, no matter how bleak the situation.

My heart does not want to accept another month gone by with no pregnancy. I am sick and tired of saying, “There is always next month.”

God has a plan and purpose but keeping my focus on that in the midst of the largest storm of my life is the hardest thing God has ever asked me to do.

Please pray I can remain strong, holding onto a thread of hope. Pray my eyes will focus on the horizon. If I take my eyes off God today and focus on my desire to be pregnant, all the months of tears and frustration, lack of sperm necessary to do the procedure and the anger that is building up in me, I will be in a worse situation than I am now.

Please, God. Show us your plan.

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