I’ve had these thoughts rolling through my mind for several days now but haven’t been able to put them into words or answer a very tough question I have. I am going to attempt now.
On September 29th one of two scenarios will happen. Each scenario starts out the same.
I will get up and go to the doctor, have my blood drawn and drive back home. Then, Dave and I will start pressure washing our house to keep us busy while we await the news. That will work for awhile but soon I will begin to get extremely antsy from the suspense. I will just want to know – one way or the other. I will threaten to go to Wal-Mart and get my own test so I can know in 3 minutes if the nurse doesn’t call me within the hour!
And then my cell phone will ring.
It is at this point in the story that there will be a fork in the road and two very different outcomes.
If I hear, "You are pregnant!" on the other end of the phone there are no words to describe how I will feel. But I know I will be praising the Lord for this tremendous blessing! And then I will think about the shear joy it will be to tell my mom and dad. The excitement and joy I will see on their face will forever be imprinted in my mind.
And if I hear, "Sorry. You are not pregnant." on the other end of the phone, there will be another day of incessant crying and rages of anger.
Here is the tough question.
Does it have to be this way?
Instead of crying uncontrollably and being angry, why not celebrate the fact that God is still at work?
God has taught me so much in the past month or two.
- God’s plan is not only good – but the ultimate best for me!
- The purpose of my life is to bring glory and honor to Jesus Christ.
- God brings trials in my life so He can draw me close to Him and bring glory to His Name.
- If I surrender my will for God’s, I will receive His will for my life.
- God has plans that far surpass anything I can even imagine.
- God’s grace is sufficient.
- Each day is a gift from God and He know every intricate detail of my days.
- It is God Himself who has put this desire in my heart to be a mother – so He can use this desire to draw me close to Him as I trust Him to bless me with a baby.
I really feel like God is asking me, if I am not pregnant once again, to TRUST HIM IMEDDIATELY instead of going into a fit of rage and then deciding to trust Him.
When I say fit of rage I mean fit of rage. It is not a pretty sight. Finding out we are not pregnant is a very dark day at our house. Very dark.
But does it have to be???
I say I want to bring God glory in this. So does crying incessantly or shedding some tears (I am not naive to say that my goal here is no tears! I am human and I do want to be pregnant.) and then putting my mind, heart and soul into thinking about the truths God has taught me, bring God the most glory?
I think the second brings God more glory. And I know that there is no way I, in my own strength, can possible do that. NO WAY. If it’s up to me we are going down the fits of rage path. But if indeed I hear the sentence with the not again, I can only trust that GOD’S GRACE WILL BE SUFFICENT.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10