It’s late. I should be in bed. Or I should atleast be working on the scrapbook I am making my Grandmother for her 80th birthday, which is Tuesday. But I can’t concentrate on anything until I sort through today.
Just having faith and believing it will happen is what’s on my heart today.
All the other cycles, and especially the last cycle, I guarded my heart by not getting my hopes too high that I would get positive blood test results. Sounds silly, I know. Why go through all I go through each month to get ready for an insemination. All the drugs, doctor visits, ultrasounds, semen collections, shots, emotional roller coasters just to wait 2-weeks expecting nothing.
I do firmly believe, however, that the purpose of Cycles 1, 2 and 3 was not pregnancy but something far greater.
The work of Jesus Christ is clearly evident as you go back and read previous posts. This is one of the main reasons I started this blog. From the very beginning of this journey I knew God would use my circumstances to do something marvelous. He is definitely doing something marvelous, even now. And I wanted a way to record what He did and is doing.
From the start, I’ve known this is a journey, a pilgrimage. Meaning, I won’t be in these circumstances forever. Somehow, someway, I will be a mother because it is one of the greatest desires of my heart. It’s the somehow and someway that is the hard part because I don’t have the ending of this story…yet. But I know Who holds the writing tablet.
God is a faithful God. I look back on other trials in my life (that now pale in comparison to this one) and I clearly see how God faithfully brought me through the trial. He has never brought me to a trial and left me there. No, trials are meant to be the greatest teachers. It is through trials we learn Who God is and that He has a perfect plan unique just to you.
Alesha (who also had her IUI today) wrote a post a couple days ago about tunnels. That precisely describes trials in our life. In the middle of the tunnel it can be very dark and scary. Yet, He is still there by our side. He has promised never to leave us. He has promised to walk with us. But as time passes, you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. The trial, like the tunnel, is temporary, but the lessons learned while going through the tunnel (trial) are invaluable.
With each cycle I’ve gone through I can look back and see something God wanted to teach me.
Today I can’t stop dwelling on FAITH. The Bible clearly tells us what faith is. It is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. It takes faith to accept God’s free gift of salvation. I’ve accepted God’s free gift of salvation no questions asked. No doubts. I KNOW where I will spend eternity and never do I have to worry.
I feel it is time to have FAITH that I AM PREGNANT!
Allow me to be honest and say that is a scary thing to write. It is so tempting just to move the curser up there and tap, tap, tap the delete button until those words disappear. Each cycle, I’ve always been cautiously optimistic. I’ve guarded myself by allowing myself to hope but then always keeping negative results in the back of my head.
I’m going to take a risk. And I am NOT a risk-taker. At all.
I am going to step out on faith, FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST, and believe that Baby was created TODAY! No more doubts, no more worries. I am just going to BELIEVE.
I know, I know, I could potentially be setting myself up for complete heartbreak.
But it’s ok.
If it is not so, I think I’ve learned my lesson well.
God will have something even better than positive blood test results.
GOD IS FAITHFUL.