I’m a Mess

I’m a mess.

I’m worn slap out.

I feel like this is never going to happen.

And my mind has been consumed with what happens after March 27th.

How in the world can I spend all the money required for IVF and how in the world can I not spend the money to try again?

How is it that not only can I not conceive naturally but we try IVF and that is a bust as well?

Why did God put this strong desire in my heart to have a baby?

I’m tired of crying.

I’m tired of researching.

I’m tired of the pain.

I’m tired of failure after failure after failure.

I’ve never felt so hopeless in my entire life.

Can I be completely honest with you right now and say in my mind I feel forgotten even though I know in my heart God has not forgotten me.

I know God is still there through all this. He is just being very quiet and it is very hard when you just want some answers, some direction in where to go.

I want to believe God will work a miracle through The Lone Ranger but I know I must prepare my heart, body, soul and mind for another negative and the fact that we will again be faced with the infamous question of, “What’s next?”

As more time goes by I keep knocking the “options” out one-by-one.

Who would have ever thought this journey would lead us here?

I know the answer to that question … God … but for now I don’t feel I can walk another step.

But I also don’t feel I can give up quite yet either.

11 thoughts on “I’m a Mess

  1. i have been where you are. Draw near to God, sister, He will give you the strength you need. That is all i can say.

  2. Oh Elaine – Bless your heart. Thank you for being so honest. It helps me know how to pray for YOU. You have been so strong. You are amazing – even when you feel a mess! 🙂

    Some words to a song that always have encouraged me:

    His strength is perfect when our strength is gone.
    He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.
    Raised in His power the weak become strong.
    His strength is perfect.

    I wish I was with you to hug you.

  3. what a raw and real post. thank you for being so honest with us. i’m pretty sure i’ve written or said those exact words. you’re hurting and that is understandable. and God can handle the questions. praying for the lone ranger to be the one but praying that if it’s not, God continues to heal your heart and lead you where He wants you to go.

  4. I know these feeings well too. It just feels like God isn’t there….like where did you go God? Could you please just tell me your plan? Just to know where this all is going would help so much. My husband tells me this is what faith is…trusting Gods plans even though we don’t know what they are. But it is just so hard. Just keep trying to hold onto Gods word. I know it’s hard. I’ll keep praying for you!

  5. I know these feeings well too. It just feels like God isn’t there….like where did you go God? Could you please just tell me your plan? Just to know where this all is going would help so much. My husband tells me this is what faith is…trusting Gods plans even though we don’t know what they are. But it is just so hard. Just keep trying to hold onto Gods word. I know it’s hard. I’ll keep praying for you!

  6. I know these feeings well too. It just feels like God isn’t there….like where did you go God? Could you please just tell me your plan? Just to know where this all is going would help so much. My husband tells me this is what faith is…trusting Gods plans even though we don’t know what they are. But it is just so hard. Just keep trying to hold onto Gods word. I know it’s hard. I’ll keep praying for you!

  7. Elaine, I am so sorry.

    All I can tell you after nearly 20 years of striving to be married (it was my god), and now almost two years of IF, I only found peace when I laid it down – really surrendered.

    Even though I moved forward with this IVF, I am at the place where if this doesn’t work, and if an FET doesn’t work, I have chosen to trust God with my future even if my future looks a lot different than I imagined. I am at the point of accepting a child-free life because we just don’t have the resources for more ART and I’ve already spent big $$ on an adoption I chose to forfeit. So, this is the end of the road for us if it doesn’t work.

    But, there is a sense of peace for me just knowing that God holds my future.

    If you desire to be a mother, that will happen for you. But it may happen differently than you imagined. Just move forward in faith.

  8. My precious Elaine – My heart has been so heavy for you. It’s easy (from afar) to say, just relax, just try not to think about it… but you are living it every day. Some days it’s easier to leave it in God’s hands than other days. Unfortunately, we – YOU have to wait these next two weeks anticipating what the result will be. You know I’d take this one for you if I could – tears fill my eyes. I love you so much.

    As I said last night, keep reading your verses, read them aloud, shout them to the Lord!

    Your Mama

  9. Oh how well I’ve known the same feelings that you are going through right now. Go to God, tell Him how you are feeling, cry with Him, and let Him comfort you. He longs to comfort you and remind you that He is in control and all you have to do is surrender. Thank you for your honesty. I just wish that you didn’t have to go through this pain.

    There is a great song called, “He knows my name” by Tommy Walker. While the lyrics are simple it’s a beautiful reminder that we are not forgotten, ever.

    I have a Maker
    He formed my heart
    Before even time began
    My life was in his hands

    He knows my name
    He knows my every thought
    He sees each tear that falls
    And He hears me when I call

    I have a Father
    He calls me His own
    He’ll never leave me
    No matter where I go

    He knows my name
    He knows my every thought
    He sees each tear that falls
    And He hears me when I call

    To hear it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkw3a4raWfg

  10. I’m soooo sad as I read your post, for my biggest fear is happening to you. My heart aches for you. All I can do is pray that you find the answers that you need.

  11. oh elaine… i feel you right now. i finally broke down for the first time in awhile last night and cried my heart out. my eggs went down to 2 from 4 just 2 days prior (which could be a blessing in disguise) and my doctor said that my next round of meds would be triple what i just spent on this month. i’m spent out, i’m worn out, and it makes my stomach churn to think about what’s going to happen if this doesn’t work. i, too, often feel forgotten even though i totally know in my heart that i’m not. and i get the grieving thing because we really are… we are grieving over a child that was never a reality but it was to us and to our hearts. i love you dear sister and i am Praying for you! please know you aren’t alone.

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