One

I am still trying to process the sequence of events that have occurred over the past 4 hours.

There is still just ONE follicle in the left ovary … only. When Dr. F was doing the ultrasound and found the one follicle only, I told myself I needed to remain calm so I could clearly think and ask questions.

I was thinking, This is not the results we were expecting but we can try again and hope for a better response next time.

And then Dr. F began to explain something called a hypothalamic component and the world began to unravel all around me.

When someone (like me) is underweight the part of the brain responsible for FSH and LH production shuts down. FSH and LH are the hormones that are responsible for stimulating follicles to grow and mature. This is something that has been around since the prehistoric ages to prevent a “starving” species from being able to procreate.

Dr. F said that with my particular circumstances the normal range of number of eggs retrieved during an IVF cycle is anywhere from 0 to 6. I definitely fall into that range with only one follicle maturing.

I immediately told Dr. F that I wanted to cancel this IVF cycle. There is no way I am paying these big bucks for one egg. Dr. F told me they have gone through with an IVF cycle before with low egg numbers and have still been able to achieve a pregnancy.

Let me just say that I was prepared to go in there and have only 1 or 2 or 3 eggs. My gut feeling was that my ovaries were not producing what they should for an IVF cycle and we would just adjust my protocol and try again later.

However, I was not prepared to hear that because of this hypothalamic component, the best we can hope for at this point is 2 eggs, possibly 3 even with all the IVF ovarian stimulation meds.

The tears won’t stop because for the first time it is looking like I just may have to give up on this dream I’ve had since childhood to conceive, be pregnant and give birth to a baby who is half me and half my husband, yet uniquely an individual person.

I can’t explain how I feel other than to say that it feels like a death has occurred in the family.

I know it’s not all over yet. However, things are growing more and more grim by the day that I will ever actually have life growing inside of me.

The plan for now is to convert this IVF cycle into an IUI cycle. I would like to discuss my options with Dr. L on Monday as he was not on call today. I am grateful for Dr. F’s input and am anxious to know what Dr. L’s opinion is. It never hurts to hear the opinions of two excellent doctors.

This is one of those very dark days. However, I can still see a glimmer of hope found in God’s Promise in Jeremiah 29:11.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I still firmly believe that with all my heart and know one day I will look back on this day and see once again the faithfulness of God iron out all the wrinkles of a very ugly day.

I think it can go without saying that I need prayers, but I’ll say it anyway. I need your prayers.

Please pray for wisdom to know if we should shoot for another IVF cycle in June and hope for at least a few more eggs or if we should throw in the towel and seek other options that are equally overwhelming to think about.

26 thoughts on “One

  1. I’m praying, Elaine! Just remember that God’s still at work! He’s bigger than all of this and all that we can even imagine…even the little “box” we tend to put Him in. We worship a God of miracles! He knows what’s best and He DOES have a plan! Hang in there! We love you!

    Kelly

  2. I’m so sorry to here this, I will be praying for you. I really like the verse you picked out it so true. I know the feeling about wanting you and your husbands baby growing in your womb, beign knit together in love and not being able to have that. But you and your faith are amazing and God is working so mightly in you and through you. He has something wonderful planned for you and your husband.

    Love Alicia

  3. Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

    Today I mourn with you, I hurt for you and with you, and I cry with you.

    2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles”

    Dear God – comfort Elaine even right now as I type these words!

    Elaine and Dave – I love you very much! I am deeply sad about today’s new. I am praying that God will give you and the doctors wisdom about the next step and will give you the strength to follow His leading. I am also praying that although today was the death of the plan we had for this months cycle – that God would continue to “work all this for good” according to His perfect will.

  4. Dear Elaine and Dave,

    I completely understand the feeling of a death in the family. Every month I was not pregnant, I experienced a death of yet another dream….. and yet, with every month, came the hope that maybe next month I would be pregnant. I would lift myself up by my boot straps, with God’s help and choose to hope and dream again. My dear Elaine and Dave, I pray that after your period of grieving, God will assist you to move back into the hope and dream phase. I love you so very much and pray for God to just embrace you strongly in His arms. A. Naomi and U. Jay

  5. oh girl i just want to cry with you. i had such high hopes for this IVF for you. i don’t even know what to say…i’m heartbroken with you. i will be praying there is a way to fix this. i am the most overweight i’ve ever been (and trying to remedy that) and would give you all the extra fat i have if it would help. ok that was supposed to make you smile so hopefully it did. praying for you guys.

  6. Praying for u girl! don’t know what to say…. don’t know what to do … but God does. He isn’t finished in this situation. I Pray that He will give u His perfect peace tonight.

  7. Oh, my heart breaks for what you are experiencing today, but my faith declares that God must have a much bigger plan than we understand in our finite minds. I don’t believe that God gives us a desire to be a mother without fulfilling that in some way. My prayer for you is that God gives you direction in which way to go and that you will have utter peace about it all.

  8. Elaine, tonight we had prayer time at church in small groups. We rotated through 5 stations praying specifically for different items listed. As I walked by Pastor Paul, he asked me if everything was ok. I told him what was going on with you. He prayed for you and Dave right then.

    At the end, in our small group, we were to share requests and our group also prayed for you all.

    In our children’s division we prayed for you all.

    So many people asked about you and said they are praying for you.

    I thank the Lord for prayer warriors.

  9. Reading your blogs has opened my eyes to the process. Thanks for letting us share this experience and process. Our hearts and prayers go out to you. Last week part of our lesson for the children was a “Bottom Line” that read: No matter what happens in your life, God has a plan. He has one for you and Dave. Take care and God Bless! Gennell

  10. I’m so very sorry. I will continue to pray for you. I know God has a perfect plan for your family, this is just a detour on the way.

    ((hugs))

  11. I know exactly where you are… it wasn’t that long ago that we were “officially” told we would never have biological children. Remember that we love you and that whatever God does, it is out of love. If you ever want to talk and need someone to listen who’s been in your shoes, I’m here for you.

    God bless

  12. elaine, i am just checking blogs for the first time in days and i am SO SORRY your IVF was cancelled. you are such an amazing woman that will get through this.

  13. I came across your blog through April’s blog and have been following your progress through the IVF process. I am so sorry to hear this discouraging news. I know it is difficult and those tough days and absolutely exhausting! Hang in there!

  14. My heart hurts for you and Dave right now. Praying that Daddy God will reveal Himself to you both in such a real and comforting way that is beyond your understanding. I pray that He will give you wisdom to your doctors and as well as to you both to know what and when to ask what you need to. Thank you for sharing such a raw emotional day. Praying for you daily!

  15. Dearest Elaine and Dave,

    We will continue to pray for you all. God is carrying you all in his hands.

    Much love, Cristina and Márcio

  16. Still praying, and believing God for your miracle. You are surrounded by many wonderful people, and as shown through your comments, we are all lifting you up in prayer. i echo the sentiments of grief and sadness for you, and pray that you will not only have wisdom and peace, but that your joy has come this morning!

  17. My sister-in-law had problems because she just didn’t ovulate. I was a little jealous to learn she’d never had a period in her life! She she was successful with IUI and they have a happy 1 year old boy now, and getting ready to try again! Sending prayers!

  18. Remember Elaine “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Of course things look bleak and dreary. That is exactly how satan wants them to look. In the physical things do look hopeless but our God is not a physical God, He is mighty and miraculous! One follicle is all that is needed for one precious little child. I know it easy for me to be on this side and encourage you, and it is SO hard to be in your shoes on that side going through this, but somehow when I read your post today it filled me with hope and joy. All is NOT lost, you DO have hope, there IS a chance.

    Hold your head high and continue marching on in this race. Its not over yet Elaine. I do believe you will have that child that is 1/2 you and 1/2 your husband.

    I pray that the Lord bring you His insurmountable peace. I pray that you won’t lose sight of your vision to have your child. I pray that the Lord continue to lead guide and direct your every step. I bind up this spirit of fear in the name of Jesus Christ.

    Big hugs sweet friend. Big hugs.

  19. There are no words that will make you feel better; I know that. Just know that I love you and I know that you will be a mother one day. It might not be the way you imagined, and I know that breaks your heart. I love you and I am praying that you are wrapped in God’s love and given a peace about what direction you need to go in next! Love you! Ashlie

  20. Please forgive me for sounding stupid, but have you ever been able to gain weight? I mean when you eat gobs of ice cream and cookies, etc. are you able to gain 10 lbs? Those of us who are average or above average in weight really don’t know the answer to this question. 🙂 We don’t have trouble gaining weight! 🙂

    Okay, so the “real” reason for my comment. Here is a short review of that book I’ve mentioned before:
    The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis

    Please don’t give up on your fertility! GOD made all the herbs
    I took, and I adore my precious daughter. The book is 11.55 at amazon. I spent $1,000 on my acupuncture/herbs, and it was money well spent. My hormones were wacky, and now they aren’t!

    I found your site on mckmama’s group. There were 800 to choose from. Yours is the only one I clicked on. I think that’s amazing. I hope you won’t give up and hope you will check out the book. Frankly, I’d even buy it for you…….

    Lewis, a licensed acupuncturist and herbalist, believes infertile couples should turn to Chinese medicine as an alternative to what she considers painful, invasive and time-consuming Western treatments. She first explains, “Traditional Chinese medicine holds that a woman’s body must be gently nourished and encouraged to bear fruit…. I have found that most hormonal imbalances (which contribute to 40 percent of documented cases of infertility, yet are considered untreatable by conventional Western medicine) respond to Eastern methods of treatment.” In Lewis’s experience, women who have undergone three to six months of the dietary changes, herbs and acupuncture treatments become pregnant with no further effort. Lewis intersperses her somewhat technical examination of the program with anecdotes about her patients, weaving in discussions on diet, herbal supplements, acupuncture, older women and problems related to infertility. Lewis writes well and simplifies many complex concepts, such as the theory that there are four vital substances in the body (Yin, Yang, Qi and Blood), and that they’re likely to be suffering from imbalance caused by energy excess, deficiency or stagnation.

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