I’ve probably attempted to write this post now several times but the truth is I don’t really know what to think about The Lone Ranger.
So I go back to the beginning. For weeks we prayed about doing IVF. There is still no doubt in my mind that God widely opened that door for us. There is still no doubt in my mind that God lead us to IVF.
We got the okay from God.
Then we had our consult appointment with Dr. L.
I started Birth Control.
Then came the stimulation drugs.
I had never really put a number to the amount of follicles I hoped would be in there. Sure, 15-20 would have been a great start, but with all my issues, I was honestly hoping for at least ten follicles to work with.
And here we are today … with The Lone Ranger … the one and only follicle that ever woke up and smelled the Follistim and Menopur!
I refuse to allow myself to think that this IVF cycle is a complete bust because I know that this IVF turned IUI cycle is going precisely how God planned it before I even drew my first breath almost 28 years ago.
Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16
The Lone Ranger may have surprise me and everyone else, but it certainly didn’t surprise God.
Beth brought up a very complex question in one of her comments:
I’ve been wrestling with hope and how hope and reality go together … So where do we merge hope and reality in our lives?
If only there was an easy answer!
I certainly hope God will choose to answer the cries of my heart and allow The Lone Ranger to become Baby. This has been my prayer since learning this would be our only follicle this month.
Reality tells me that the odds are not in our favor.
Endometriosis which has more than likely done a number on the quantity and quality of my remaining eggs.
Not the hopeful circumstances I was hoping for with 10 eggs and at least 2 beautiful, perfect blastocysts to transfer!
It’s obvious this one follicle is a complete let down. I do find peace in the following verse, however:
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:5
I guess this verse has spoken so much to me in the past several days because it reminds me where my hope is and Who my hope is in.
I don’t have to be discouraged about The Lone Ranger even though I feel completely blind and clueless as to what God is up to with the outcome of this IVF cycle and from my eyes, things don’t look too promising.
God has lead us here now. Our plans for the IVF outcome are just that … our plans, our hope of what would happen. BUT …
Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21
As long as I keep my mind and heart focused on the fact that God does have a purpose and plan in all this to prosper me, no matter how bleak my circumstances continue to get, I’ll always have hope.
Currently, there are 7.2 million fresh motile sperm (not previously frozen) waiting for the debut of The Lone Ranger.
Tomorrow we will return and use the 115 million sperm frozen for our IVF cycle. (The number won’t be that high tomorrow as many will be lost during the unfreezing process.)
I have more to say about The Lone Ranger but I’ll write more later.