There has been no greater desire in my life than to experience pregnancy and the birth of a child who is half me and half my husband, yet still a unique individual unlike any other person on this earth.
My worst fear is never conceiving and giving birth to this baby I have dreamed about since childhood.
There was never any doubt in my mind of what I wanted to be when I grew up.
A wife and a mother.
I knew God had given me talents to be a successful teacher, but as each school year came and went, I knew that I was only getting closer and closer to the time when I would take on the role of wife and, eventually, mother and I couldn’t wait until that time!
The events of the past month literally rocked my world and turned everything upside down.
To be told at the age of 27 that no matter how much IVF medication you inject yourself with, at most, there will probably only be two, maybe three mature eggs for retrieval, is devastating.
As I now reflect on the events of this past month I know that on March 8th, the very day we heard this devastating news, God spoke to me sitting on that examination table before I even had the chance to dress.
However, what God told me was the last thing on earth I wanted to hear. I knew that if God lead in the direction I clearly did not want to go, I would have to surrender my desires for God’s perfect plan.
I cannot adequately describe in words what happened in that very moment but I had this sinking feeling that God was telling me He was closing the door to infertility treatments for now.
We are finished with treatments?
We are still not pregnant!
At the time, I really could not understand why God would create me to be so fascinated with pregnancy and childbirth, with this deep burning desire to experience pregnancy and the birth of my baby, and then not allow it to happen.
I still do not understand why, but I believe with all my heart that one day I will understand. But that is not the point here.
Somewhere between that moment on the examination table and Sunday night I knew God was telling me, “Elaine, I am asking you to surrender this desire to me. Give it up fully to me and proceed in faith towards adoption.Your time with treatments is complete for now.”
My reply, at first, went something like this, “But, God, I never dreamed it would all come to this. I’ve never thought for a minute that You wouldn’t allow conception to happen, eventually.”
And He just said, “Trust me.”
And I knew.
This is a matter of choosing to cling to my desires and my hopes or it is an opportunity of a lifetime to lay my desires at the feet of Jesus and continue to obey His lead – even though where He is asking me to go and what He is asking me to do is going to require me to put aside my desire for pregnancy and childbirth and follow Him.
I will not run from God and miss out on this marvelous plan I’ve been talking about now for, it seems like, years!
I cannot pin point the exact moment in time when I chose to surrender but I can tell you where I expected turmoil in my heart, there is complete and utter peace.
It really is the strangest thing because never in a million years did I ever expect to feel peace in my heart about the possibility of never being pregnant.
News flash: I am human and I fully expect there will be moments to come where peace, for a moment, is replaced by sadness and anger.
But since making this decision there has been excitement and continued anticipation in discovering just how God is going to weave all the events of the past almost two years into the most incredible masterpiece of work only a Heavenly Father, who unconditionally loves His child, could create.
I am sitting on pins and needles in anticipation of knowing what God’s plans are for us!
If I’ve lived my life for the past almost 28 years thinking marriage and having babies soon after is the best possible scenario for the outcome of my life, I know discovering God’s master plan is simply going to blow my mind away.
I’ve lived thinking there couldn’t possibly be anything better than all that and now here I am about to discover that since before I took my first breath God has had something more planned for me.
The only way I will discover this “something more” is to live a life of complete surrender and obedience to Jesus Christ.
And so we’ve now begun our journey to adoption!
You better believe I’ve got lots rolling around in my mind concerning adoption and stopping treatments. Expect to see the contents continuously poured out here on my blog soon.