New Day, New Mercies

It is a new day, a new month and that can only mean one thing:

God’s mercies are new. He has brought me through another fire and I am still standing.

But I am not just standing.

I am standing firm because God is my strength, my peace, my joy in times of trouble and heartache and no matter what the devil tries to scheme against me, GOD has won.

Which means I won, because I’m on His side.

The promises of God’s Word are still true. There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan, a perfect and beautiful plan that is far greater and far bigger than a biological sibling for Little Bug.

I learned that full well on my journey to Little Bug.

Yesterday was a day of sorrow for what wasn’t going to be and there were certainly tears, but ultimately do you know the overwhelming emotion I felt yesterday and continue to feel today?


I am sure that might not make a whole lot of sense right now, which is why I have chosen to reveal the details of this drama.

The drama began with a text from Tracy to me on Monday, January 24th.

She asked me if we wanted to come over for dinner and help her get some furniture.

I replied that I had been asking around to see if people had any furniture they were trying to get rid of and could donate and we would just have to wait and see what is donated.

Tracy text me back that she was getting a kitchen table and needed us to come help her pick it up and then we could stay for dinner.

Not long after this text, I received a call from our lawyer.

The lawyer told me she had just received a text from Tracy saying she needed a sum of money to be able to buy a kitchen table because Dave and Elaine were coming over for dinner and she needed a place for us to sit.

I am sure at this point my jaw was on the floor, but believe it or not, this was just the prelude to all the drama that was about to unfold.

The lawyer and I made the decision that this was an outlandish request. The lawyer said she was going to call Tracy and tell her no, the request could not be granted.

On Tuesday, January 25th I received a phone call from the lawyer telling me that she had talked to Tracy and Tracy was livid that the lawyer would not give her the money.

Tuesday night Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound in the evening. All we had from the adoption agency for proof of pregnancy was a “pregnancy confirmation” document.

Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound at a crisis pregnancy center on Tuesday evening.

When the lawyer told me that Tracy was angry about the money situation, she warned me that Tracy may not show up for her ultrasound.

Tuesday afternoon I received a text from Tracy asking me why we had not paid the lawyer and did we really want this baby?

I replied that we had done everything the lawyer had asked us to do because, of course, we were very excited about this baby.

I never heard back from her and sure enough, Tracy dropped off the radar. No one could make contact with her at all.

It was at this point that we obviously knew something was up and we began to suspect that she might not even be pregnant.

Wednesday passed. Then came Thursday.

Thursday we learned that the crisis center had actually cancelled all the ultrasounds scheduled for that evening because of a bad storm we got that night.

Thursday I received a very unexpected apology text from Tracy. I felt for sure that Tracy had “left town”, but hearing from her made me think that maybe there really was a baby after all.

I just wanted to get to the bottom of all the drama and know one way or the other!

Tracy also made contact with the lawyer and the lawyer set up a meeting with Tracy for Friday morning.

During their meeting the lawyer made Tracy call and reschedule her ultrasound, because, for obvious reasons, we knew this ultrasound was key in knowing if this adoption was over or if we would proceed. At this point, I didn’t know how I was going to survive 5-6 more months of dealing with Tracy drama if there really was a baby!

Tracy knew it was imperative to be at the Monday morning (January 31st) ultrasound.

I was at the appointment right on time. I sent a text to Tracy and told her I had gotten there. She text me back that she was on the way.

Forty-five minutes later, she had still not arrived. I sent Tracy another text and asked her if she was almost there. She said she was and five minutes later, she walked in the clinic door.

While I was waiting, I had spoken to the woman at the front desk and briefly explained the situation. I told her I needed to know TODAY if Tracy is pregnant or not.

Not long after Tracy arrived, she was called back. I was informed they were going to talk to Tracy first and then they would call me back when they were ready to do the ultrasound.

Ten minutes later Tracy walked back out into the waiting room and told me that they could not do an ultrasound on her because she has had ectopic pregnancies in the past.

I immediately stood up and told Tracy, “We have to get an ultrasound today to proceed with this adoption. That does not make sense. I am going back there to talk to them.”

Tracy sat down on a chair and I walked myself through the door and told the woman at the front desk that I had to speak with the lady who had just talked to Tracy.

She said, “Go down the hall and take a left.”

I found the woman and she was on the phone about Tracy with the manager of the crisis center.

She put the manager on hold and I told the woman, “This is the situation. We are not sure she is even pregnant. Drama has been going on for a week now and I NEED for her to have an ultrasound so we can get to the bottom of this. Please help me!”

The woman was very sweet. She asked me if I would talk to the manager. I immediately took the phone and pleaded my case to the manager.

Surprisingly enough, I got the same story that Tracy had just told me.

I understood. Tracy has had ectopic pregnancies in the past. (I do know this is true from official medical records when Tracy was pregnant with Little Bug.) The clinic is not a medical facility so their standard protocol is to not do an ultrasound on any woman who has had an ectopic pregnancy or who has had any bleeding during the pregnancy.

I also learned from the sweet lady at the crisis center that Tracy had said she had had some bleeding, which was another reason they were not giving Tracy an ultrasound.

The manger told me that the crisis pregnancy center could give me the name and number of another place where Tracy could go to get an ultrasound for a charge.

I told the sweet little lady that I needed that information. She gave me the information and I went back out to the waiting room.

Tracy had bolted.

She was no where to be found.

I went ahead and called the contact the crisis center had given me and found myself talking to another sweet lady.

I told her the situation I was in and that I needed an appointment TODAY, if at all possible.

She booked us for a 6:15pm appointment and I hung up with her and immediately dialed Tracy.

Of course, she did not answer.

I called the lawyer to fill her in on what was going on.

She told me she and her office would try all day to get in touch with Tracy and she would call me as soon as she knew anything.

Monday afternoon I received word from the lawyer that she had talked to Tracy and told her through texts that she HAD to go to this appointment at 6:15pm or her rent would not be paid tomorrow and she would not receive another penny from the agency.

Tracy text the lawyer back saying that she “couldn’t make it tonight”.

The lawyer text her back and told her we were done and to never contact her again for anything.

And finally, I had answers. Either Tracy was never pregnant to begin with or Tracy was pregnant, miscarried and was trying to see how far she could go.

When I learned that this was officially over I was sitting on my old bed at my parents’ house.  I had just laid Little Bug down for her nap and was waiting to hear from the lawyer. I heard the news, continued siting on my bed to take a few minutes to process, and then I walked downstairs to the living room where my parents were siting on the couch.

And the tears came.

They were tears of disappointment.

I knew they would come and I knew they would quickly go because ultimately I felt relief and like the weight of the whole world has been lifted off my shoulders. (I have another post coming soon about this.)

And while I can’t hardly believe the drama that transpired over the past week, it is what it is and ultimately I have hope in Jesus Christ.

Satan thinks he won this battle.

But I’ve got news for him.

Satan definitely has a stronghold on Tracy’s life, but on this brand new day, I proclaim to the world that God is good and God is faithful and Something More is coming!

Please don’t view me as a victim!

I am not the victim here. Tracy is.

Satan has a stronghold on her, not me.

I am as free as a bird soaring in the sky.

This is not the end of God’s story.

He’s got plenty still to write and I know it’s going to blow the socks right off my feet.

To God be the glory, great things He has done, is doing and will do.

15 thoughts on “New Day, New Mercies

  1. I know it’s disappointing but it sounds like it’s a good thing you got out of that situation. I love your attitude- you are such a great example! Looking forward to see where God takes you from here.

  2. Keep your chin held high, smile at your little girl, hold your husband tight. When you need to cry do so… tears will dry up the heartache will fade in time but today you have a precious daughter to cherrish and laugh with.

    I am truely sorry for your pain, heartache and dissapointment.


  3. Elaine,

    I am sorry to hear about what has happened the last week. I find myself reading your blogs as huge words of encouragement for me as I am struggling in areas of my life, letting God have ultimate control. I know that what he has planned for me is far better than what I could ever hope for alone, but still find myself struggling with letting him have it all. I am doing a study on Isaiah right now and the following scripture we went over last night and it pours out from your message above. 40:31 “but those who hope in the lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” while I am sorry about what you are going through I am thankful that you share your faith in God and what he is doing through you as it is a reminder to me to have hope and trust in Him alone! I will keep your family in my prayers.

  4. Wow. Elaine, the entire time you were writing posts about the “drama” going on, never once did it cross my mind that Tracy wasn’t really pregnant. She is one unstable, sad, lost soul. I know you’re relieved and I know you know God has a bigger plan for you. But I also think it’s perfectly acceptable to feel sad for right now and it’s okay to grieve what might have been. My other overwhelming thought while reading this entry? Thank God that you are Little Bug’s mother. You truly saved her life. I can’t even begin to imagine what her life would’ve been like had she been raised by this woman.

    I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you next. Big hugs to you & your family.

  5. Elaine,
    I am sorry that things have gone this way this week, but I can tell you from a very similar adoption experience, that relief is a wonderful feeling after riding the rollercoaster. I still know the pain and heartache is very real even during the relief. I will be praying for all three of you.

  6. Oh Elaine, I’m so very sorry for you and your family. I can only imagine the disappointment you must be feeling. But I know that you are right…There is so much more to your story and I can’t wait to hear how it unfolds. Sending love and hugs to you.

  7. Wow- I am almost speechless. I don’t know what to say about everything that’s happened.

    But I DO want to say that your strength and faith is amazing. I hope the days ahead of you bring you completely drama-free days filled with lots of Little Bug giggles and hugs.

  8. Wow, I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I think what I love about God is that we can have full confidence that he knows what is best for us and his best plan is always in the works. Sometimes we never know why things happen, and other times he gives us hindsight. Lean into him as you go through this grieving process, because even though it a relief, there is also legitimate grieving that you will be going through.

  9. A mutual friend of ours gave me the link to your blog and I’m reading this just weeping because I finally have found someone who has gone through similar situations and understands me! I am just going through picking up the pieces of what is left of a very hurtful situation. We were adopting our first baby – a baby boy and we were just beyond thrilled! We had been going to every single appointment throughout her pregnancy, had a baby shower (she was able to attend) and had everything ready for our son. A week before he was due, the adoption fell through because of issues with the birth father! We are so broken and so hurt! I admire your strength to carry on after each of your trials – I’m finding it harder and harder after 4 years! We tried treatments for the first few years and then moved on to adoption. We had a very similar situation where the birthmom was not even pregnant and was trying to get money from us last summer. Shortly after that, we were contacted by our more recent birth mom and then that fell through! We are just struggling to move past everything and to stay strong! I so admire you!

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