I know where all this sadness is stemming from.
It is coming from a dread of the future, which is pure silliness.
But, let me explain anyway.
While I felt total and utter relief from not having to continue to deal with Tracy drama over the next 5-6 months, after things have settled over the past two weeks I have realized that while those 5-6 months would have continued to be one wild ride, there wouldn’t have really been a lot of unknowns in dealing with Tracy.
And unknowns are scary, no matter how you look at them.
Sure, there would have been much more drama with Tracy. That was a given.
But ultimately, I knew the drama would only last a season and because of Tracy’s circumstances, I knew that she would be classified as very “low risk” as far as her deciding to parent. Basically, that isn’t even an option for her.
As much as I hate Tracy’s lifestyle and pray that she one day is freed from the chains of her sin, parenting not even being an option (or desire) for her really does provide a sense of “security” for an adoptive couple when all comes down to it.
Now, we head into the unknown.
Right before we got the call that Tracy was pregnant, Dave and I briefly discussed a timeline of planning for #2, knowing full well that God’s timing is our utmost desire.
We both felt we would be ready to start the adoption process after Little Bug turns two. We both think a three-year age gap would be ideal, but, like I already said, we know better than to plan and assume that our plans will also be God’s plan!
So, the lawyer’s phone call at the beginning of December certainly didn’t line up with our plans but we took the leap of faith and went with it, trusting God every step of the way.
And, as always, he was faithful … every step of the way.
I know that as we begin the adoption process again (most likely before the calendar says 2012), God’s faithfulness will be the thread that weaves our journey to #2 together.
As overwhelming as it was to think of dealing with Tracy for 5-6 months, it is also overwhelming to think of dealing with a new birth mother, a completely new situation.
So many unknowns. And unknowns are scary.
While Tracy certainly proved herself to be full of surprises, I know her. I know how she operates and I knew she had to place her child when it was all said and done.
And as crazy as it sounds, all that did bring a measure of peace that dealing with the unknowns just doesn’t offer.
So it’s a good thing my peace does not come from my circumstances.
My peace comes from the Lord.
I seriously couldn’t do this without my faith in the Lord. Where would my hope be?
In my next birth mother?
Wow. That is a scary thought.
No, my faith, my hope, my trust, my joy, my strength ALL come from the Lord.
And His supply is endless.