Tears at Four

If I had a quarter for every time someone told me how strong I was during our latest “Tracy drama”, we’d have enough money to pay for our next adoption.

I write this and share this with you just to show you how weak I really am.

It’s almost 4am. I am awake as my husband and daughter sleep the night away.

I couldn’t sleep, came to the office and started crying.

At first, I didn’t know why.

Sleep deprived, hormonal and a moment of feeling sorry for myself, I suppose.

While I never wish to be pregnant anymore, I do still find myself wishing from time to time that adding to our family could be "easy". I know pregnancy for some can be anything but easy, but adoption is never easy.

I know God has a plan for #2, but I am human and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I guess this is one of those times.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder why God wants me, of all people, to do this (this being infertility). Sometimes I wish I could pass the baton to the next person in this race.

But then I know that this is the life God planned for me and I will continue to run and be found faithful every step of the way.

And these quiet moments in the dead of the night, just me and my tears, are good.

It’s a reminder that the path I walk won’t ever be “easy” and I am going to fall down.

Like tonight.

BUT.

You better believe I’ll get back up.

And keep running.

Because this is my life and I am going to live life to the fullest, refusing to let my infertility keep me down for long.

I know in my heart, even as the tears stream down my face, that it is only a matter of time before God reveals His plan.

And so I wait.

I wait in great expectation for what God is going to do next.

If you want to give me a “hug”, go here and sponsor a puzzle piece for Nastya for just five buckaroo’s.

Seriously.

It would make my day and make a lost night’s sleep worth it.