Here are the contents of my heart, poured out in my journal on March 17th, 2011:
It’s Thursday and I am at my parents’ house. Little Bug is napping and I am in my old bedroom to spend time with the Lord uninterrupted. How many times I’ve poured my heart out to Jesus in this room…I don’t know! But this I do know…I am incredibly blessed. If God chose to not grow my family any further – I am blessed beyond measure. I spent countless hours pleading with Jesus to bring me my husband – and He did – and then I spent countless hours asking God to please put a baby in my womb – and He did so much more than that.
I have learned throughout the past almost 15 years (I was fifteen when God really started His work in molding me and making me who He planned for me to be) so much about my Savior and yet, in comparison to who God is, I know only about as much that will fit into the period at the end of this sentence.
That is just how big God is.
My life is the Lord’s for His using. My infertility has taught me that I am not on this earth to simply enjoy life’s pleasures and then to live eternally with God when I die and go to Heaven. This life matters, even though it is fleeting and I can be here today and gone tomorrow. This life matters but it is not what the world says matters that really matters.
What matters is that I am living for Jesus. What matters is that I have laid my life before my God and I have said, “I surrender, do as you please with my life for your glory.”
That is what matters.
I am so thankful that God has shown me the whys behind my suffering with infertility. It is my platform for others to see Jesus through me as God works miracles through my life and as others watch and see how I am completely trusting God and the promises of His word.
People who do not know God have a hard time sometimes believing He is real but when they come across my story, they see tangible evidence of an invisible God at work in the life of me. Put aside all my other roles in life (wife, mother, daughter, friend) and that is my purpose in this life.
To allow others to see Jesus through me.
Writing and my blog are the tools God has given me to proclaim the good news of Christ and the hope He has to offer to the world.
I want to be found faithful.
As we find ourselves with the opportunity to adopt again this summer, if this birth mother chooses us after looking at all the profiles she will be presented with, I know this is another opportunity for God to perform another miracle in my life so that I can give the glory to Him.
Unfortunately, my heart knows and believes all these things with every fiber of my being, but I have a great enemy that HATES this – all of it.
He hates adoption because it is a picture of God and His love for us. He hates that I am happy, content and filled with joy in spite of the fact I am infertile. He wants me to be bitter, angry, jealous all the time. He hates that I have chosen to live my life for the Lord and he hates that God is making good from bad for His glory.
When the worry creeps in and when I feel myself getting impatient as I wait to hear if we were chosen to parent this baby due this summer, I must remember Satan is trying to pull me down by attacking my flesh since he can’t have my heart.
I must fix my eyes on Jesus.