My life is about to change.
I will be the mother to two little girls. Just allowing myself to type that is a step of faith because I keep myself so guarded during the adoption process, that I don’t really even allow myself to think about what will be. I live in the present, taking one day at a time.
But on this morning, God woke me up (on my sleep in morning when I should be sleeping until Dave and Little Bug come in here to wake me up!) so I figured He must have something to tell me. So I grabbed my journal and started writing and this is what God laid on my heart:
To think of where I was just three years ago…we were starting infertility treatments, had just done our first IUI and August 4th, 2008 was blood test day.
There was so much HOPE that finally my dream was going to come true.
Finally, I would see those TWO pink lines, and the pain of all the months that had passed with no pregnancy suddenly wouldn’t matter as I looked at that pregnancy test and realized I was finally pregnant.
But August 4th came and we went to the clinic for my blood draw, came back home and began the wait until my cell phone would ring giving us news that our dream had come true.
That day we had planned to work on a project outside. We replaced all the wood mulch with red lava rocks in the front flower bed. I knew I needed a distractor as we waited for the phone to ring.
We had finished the project and we were inside when the phone call finally came.
I answered immediately shaking and holding my breath to hear the words my nurse, Holly, had to tell me.
I’m sorry, you are not pregnant, is NOT what I wanted to hear that day, but those are the words that came out of her mouth.
As soon as I hung up, I started crying. It wasn’t the trickle-of-tears-running-slowly-down-my-face kind of crying. It was uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs. Screams of why? and a feeling as though the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders.
One of the lowest points of my journey through infertility, for sure.
But GOD had a plan! Even as I sobbed uncontrollably and screamed at God asking why He couldn’t have just let it work, God had a plan.
In a way only God would orchestrate, He picked up the pieces of my broken heart that day and became my Strength as I pressed on to what was next.
God used August 4th and all the months that were still ahead and full of more disappointments and heartbreak to grow my faith in Him and teach me about His Plan being absolutely perfect and bigger and better than my wildest dreams.
Almost three years to the day of August 4th, 2008, I stand in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in and through my life.
If my life doesn’t proclaim the truth of Jeremiah 29:11, I don’t know what does.
If my life doesn’t proclaim that GOD IS FAITHFUL THROUGH IT ALL, I don’t know what does.
And so in these final days/weeks of our journey to #2, I press on, walking in faith.