when I first laid eyes on you

Another day in the NICU.

Sweet Pea is sleeping, Dave has gone to Panera to use their internet to work and it’s just Sweet Pea and me in the NICU.

As I look at her sweet face I think, This is the baby that my friend Jennifer text me about on March 8th!! This is the baby that I started praying for not knowing if she was my child, or not. This is the baby that Emily told me about on May 2nd, three months to the day before Sweet Pea was born.

And this is the baby that I first laid eyes on not even a week ago now and she was already completely mine.

I can hardly begin to describe what that was like.

I have mentioned before that Little Bug and Sweet Pea’s adoptions have been totally different. I can’t go into great detail about all that at this time but I will say that being there for Little Bug’s birth was a moment in my lifetime that I will never forget.

Seeing her enter this world, especially after all I had just been through with infertility was like I was reborn myself. Her birth signaled a new beginning for me.

The beginning of motherhood.

As euphoric as those moments were surrounding Little Bug’s birth, I can hardly begin to describe what it felt like to hold a baby not knowing if she was really going to be mine or not.

09815 - 100_4641Holding Little Bug on the night of her birth before TPR had been signed.

I was not there for Sweet Pea’s birth. In fact, I have never met her birth mother. I would not change anything about being there for Little Bug’s birth and God carried me through those 81 hours I had to wait to know Little Bug was in fact my daughter.

Just like I will never forget how I felt seeing my firstborn enter this world, I will never forget when I realized what was going to happen with Sweet Pea.

I was going to lay eyes on her for the very first time and she was already going to be mine!

That thought alone kept me from being able to go to sleep last Tuesday and Wednesday night right after Sweet Pea’s birth. I would lay in bed imagining what that was going to be like and my heart literally felt like it was going to bust out of my chest from excitement!

My eyes would tear up and I would have to stop myself from even thinking about it because I knew I was jumping the gun in even entertaining these thoughts because Melody had not yet signed and I knew if I didn’t stop thinking about it I would never go to sleep.

But about 5 seconds after Emily’s text on Thursday at 12:31pm, my mind was consumed with the thought that I was about to meet my baby girl for the first time and she was already mine.

We arrived at the hospital and were lead to Sweet Pea’s bedside where Emily and two others from the agency were there waiting for us.

I rounded the corner and there she was.

DSCN0271My first glimpse at my baby girl.

She was already on the triple light therapy with her “sunglasses” on to protect her eyes. She was very jittery and I remember turning to Dave and saying, “She is already going through withdrawals.” I wanted to scoop her up right there and hold her but I just leaned in as far as I could and took in the sight of my glowing second born “sunbathing” on her lights.

While I know that isn’t how “normal” moms meet their babies after giving birth, that was one of the sweetest moments ever of my entire life.

I was looking at my baby and she was mine and, in that moment, that was all that mattered.

And then Dr. Marvelous made her first appearance and whispered to me, “Have you held her yet?”. When I told her I had not, she told the nurses, “She needs to hold her baby.”

Two minutes later, I was holding Sweet Pea for the first time.


Even though I can’t go into specifics right now about certain things, it is amazing to me that everything I worried about concerning going through the adoption process again, God took care of.

One example is that I dreaded having to go through the 48 hour wait for TPR to be signed after holding and falling in love with a baby that wasn’t mine yet.

God spared me from having to go through that again.

He has blessed abundantly by giving me unique, special moments with both of my daughters in the hours and days after their births.

God is so good and so faithful.

2 thoughts on “when I first laid eyes on you

  1. I totally cried reading this post. No matter how or when you “meet” your children….it is the most special. I had both my babies via c-section (thank you breech first born) and only got to see them through kind of a drugged up haze…but daddy got that first hold and that was so special for him and for me to see it…and then the hour I spent skin to skin with each of them in recovery afterward was also soooo special…I would not change a thing…because it is “our story”…it is “our beginning’ and no matter how that story or beginning unfolds…it is precious and it belongs only to you and it was all part of God’s plan.
    I love the photo of you holding her…I can see and feel the joy on your face. I’m sooo very happy for you and your family and so happy for Little Bug and Sweet Pea that they were given such great parents.

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