Reflections on a Year Ago

As December 13th approaches, this day reminds me that God is always at work in our lives, whether we realize it or not.

And what it seems like He is doing may not be exactly what He is up to.

But, whatever He is up to, you better believe it is awesome!

I had no idea what was going to happen on December 13th last year. As far as I was concerned, it was just a normal Monday of being at home with Little Bug while Dave was off at work.

And then, in the blink of an eye, I received a phone call that kinda sorta rocked our world.

At the time we thought God was building our family once again through the miracle of adoption and through the same woman who had given birth to our daughter just 18 months prior.

At that time a second child certainly was on our horizon – we knew we wanted our family to grow from three to four.

However, the plan we had tentatively laid out for ourselves (knowing full well God may have other plans!), certainly did not include another baby quite yet.

But there we were on the night of December 13th eating at one of our favorite little restaurants when I told Dave that the reason I was out running some errands was because I was trying to find Little Bug a “Big Sister” onesie.

That certainly caught Dave off guard and he quickly figured out Tracy was pregnant and it didn’t take either one of us more than a moment to know in our hearts that if Tracy wanted to place this baby with us, we certainly wanted to open our hearts and home to this baby who would be a biological sibling to our daughter.

And so began our journey to #2.

A journey we thought was going to lead us to another baby born in July from the same woman who had given birth to our Little Bug.

We were elated!

At that time God knew that our second daughter would not be born from Tracy’s womb.

Instead, there was another little baby girl, conceived the month before, in Melody’s womb.

In a way only God could have orchestrated, He lead us through the six weeks of Tracy’s “pregnancy”, two lawyers and then an official match with Melody on May 12th through our lawyer, Emily.

At the time of all of this, I wondered why we had to go through what we did with Tracy.

Now I know.

God did several pretty amazing things through that time.

One of which was something that, in the grand scheme of things, really had nothing to do with God’s master plan in growing our family of three to four, but it had everything to do with a dream I’ve carried around with me since I was a young girl.

I’d always wanted to announce on Christmas Morning that we were expecting a baby. Assuming infertility had taken that away from me as it had done so many of my other childhood dreams, I assumed I would never get to experience the joy of carrying around a little secret to be revealed on Christmas morning.

But when Emily called me twelve days before Christmas it didn’t take me long to start planning my surprise announcement! Our families had no idea this was coming. And the screams, tears and pure elation on that Christmas Morning will never be forgotten.

I can still to this day close my eyes and replay in my head the reaction of my parents, aunt, uncle and brother as they sat in my living room opening my carefully prepared surprise Christmas packages.

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Infertility stole so much from me, but God restored what mattered most to me and gave me that gift.

And then when we learned of Tracy’s fraud I felt like my Christmas announcement had been deceptive as well. But God knew, even then. He knew there was a tiny baby growing in the womb of Melody who would be placed in our family come summertime.

After I recovered from the deception of those six weeks we had with Tracy while she was “pregnant”, I began to see the gift that those weeks actually were.

During a trip to the zoo with Tracy I was able to take pictures of Little Bug with her birth mother — something I had wanted for Little Bug since I realized my mistake in not asking for at least one picture at the hospital. As Little Bug grew older and started learning about her adoption, I felt in my heart my daughter would need this tangible evidence of the way she came into this world and then was placed in our family.

I have many pictures to show Little Bug when the time is right. She has already asked me to see those pictures once because even at the age of 2 she knows that she “used to be in Tracy’s tummy”. That is as far as her understanding goes at this time, but eventually she will learn and understand more and I am so thankful I have these pictures to help me explain to her what role Tracy plays in her life.

As we moved on from thinking we would have another baby in the summer, and then as God opened the door to Sweet Pea before we even knew what exactly He was doing, God moved and worked in my life.

God literally showed me in as clear a way as He possibly could that He is in control of my life.

GOD’S GOT THIS became my motto as we navigated the waters of working with Susan only to find out the woman we were waiting to see if we would be matched with had stopped working with Susan and contacted our lawyer, Emily – all within a week’s time.

Before I even knew the woman had contacted Emily, I contacted Emily myself because it was May and May was the month we had decided to contact our adoption agency and get the ball rolling for an adoption that we hoped would take place closer to Little Bug’s 3rd birthday.

But then, only 10 days after we contacted Emily, we were matched with Melody, who we then realized had actually been the woman we were hoping to be matched with through Susan!

It was one crazy, wild, exciting ride – a ride I realized I had NO CONTROL over navigating which way to go. I knew the reigns were not in my hands. They were in God’s and the only thing I needed to do was say, “Your will be done, Father.”

December 13th, 2011, I am the mother of a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old. Amazing how much life changes in just the span of 365 days.

God knew every single thing that was going to happen between December 13th, 2010 and December 13th, 2011.

And once again, I am astounded at the faithfulness and goodness of my God. His mercy is new every morning. His ways are higher. His ways are perfect. He is God and I am not. He is in control and I am not.

And I praise Him for it!!!

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