And that is perfectly okay.

Yesterday I went somewhere I hadn’t gone in over 3 years.

To see Dr. L (my RE). I’ve been experiencing pain that I thought was from endometriosis but seeing as how blood was found in my urine sample, it looks like I might have a UTI. I’m on an antibiotic now and I’m to call back if the pain continues. I wasn’t expecting to find the UTI and it was such a relief to know that could be the cause of my pain.

Something else I wasn’t expecting was the avalanche of emotions that came over me just by being there.

I walked in and surveyed the waiting room and wondered what each woman’s story was. It immediately took me back in time about four years when I sat in that waiting room while undergoing our four IUI cycles and our IVF cycle.

I started to get very nervous sitting there waiting. I am not really sure why. I buried myself in my Google Reader and pushed the emotions that were creeping in away.

But then, when I was taken back to the examination room and found myself siting on the examination table with the paper covering over my lower half and the ultrasound screen staring back at me, tears started streaming down my face as I sat there in the complete silence. The radio wasn’t even playing. I hadn’t really thought about all I went through there in a long time because all that is in my past now, but I really had no idea why I was so overcome with emotion.

I was just trying to compose myself before my doctor walked in.

After I left and had time to process those emotions I figured out that the tears were certainly not because I desire to be pregnant. It wasn’t because I feel I’m missing anything in this life because I never achieved a pregnancy.

I think it was more of a wondering – a wondering that has been there since March 8th, 2009.

There is no doubt in my mind that on that day God set our hearts on the road to adoption. It was abundantly clear that God was telling us to STOP treatments and fill out adoption paperwork.

But always in the back of my mind I’ve wondered… What if we tried IVF again? I guess it seems crazy to me that that wouldn’t have eventually worked. I was told I’d have at most 1-3 follicles and my odds weren’t the greatest. I knew God was leading us to adoption so I didn’t really question anything that day.

I just walked away – and never really looked back.

Until yesterday.

I had no reason to look back until then. There is no doubt in my mind that God took us away from there to bless us with Little Bug and Sweet Pea.

But yesterday I couldn’t help but wonder…

What if I were to make an appointment with Dr. L as if it was the very first time I was seeing him. Would anything be different? Has medicine changed so much in three years that there would be some protocol that WOULD give me a chance at achieving pregnancy? Has Dr. L’s knowledge increased enough in three years that he would know just the thing I need? Am I crazy for even wondering this? [Probably.]

I also know that while medicine may have advanced over the past three years, my ovaries and eggs are still the same. And I am three years older, but I am not “old”.

I will probably go to my grave “wondering”.

And that is perfectly okay.

2 thoughts on “And that is perfectly okay.

  1. Just as God called you then to be Momma to Sweet Pea and Little Bug he could be calling you to something new now. I know you will pray about it but don’t think it’s that crazy an idea.

  2. I’m amazed at the woman you are. Blessed to gave done life this ling with you. Your heart is the Lords and it is simply beautiful. Love u!

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