5/22/09

Little Bug turns four years old next Monday. In this week leading up to her birthday, I have decided to go back in the handwritten journal I kept during my wait until her birth and share some of my writings from that time. This one was written on May 22, 2009, five days before Little Bug entered this world.

And we still wait. Even knowing You know the day and hour and have everything already planned, I am still so anxious for Little Bug to be born. I’m just so ready to be done with the adoption process and move on to learning to parent with Dave. I look forward to the days of sleep-deprivation, a crying newborn and trying to figure out what soothes her best. I look forward to all that because it will all be normal – something every couple who’s just brought a newborn home from the hospital goes through!

These past 2 years have been anything but the norm! I’m ready for some normalcy to our lives – even if it is a different kind of chaos!

On the same hand, I certainly wouldn’t trade one single thing of our journey for any piece of “normal”. We’ve traveled the road God set before us 2 years ago and we made it our goal to walk the road of infertility with our trust in the Lord. He has proven His loving faithfulness to us, and to all people who put their trust and hope in Him.

When I go back and read blog posts I posted even as far as a year ago, it is so evident that I knew deep within my heart that we would not stay in the pit of despair forever. I also knew early on that God was up to something big. I stated many times throughout my blog that God’s plan for my life is bigger and better than anything I could plan for myself. I embraced my infertility. I did not accept it as a curse. I knew it was God’s tool that He was using to do something big in my life, something that only HE could do to point people to Himself. When people hear the story of how Little Bug came into our lives, God’s Name is written all over her! It thrills my heart to no end that I worship a God who can take my temporary pain and turn it into something as beautiful as Little Bug.

I know God desires to do something big in any Child of God’s life who is going through infertility or some other trial. I’ve learned over the past years to receive God’s blessings and for God to be able to work in one’s life so that He can receive the glory, we must step back in surrender and let God lead us every step of the way. Where He leads we must follow and what He says do or don’t do, we must obey. Only then can we discover the something more He has planned.

I definitely know what it means to surrender and that was the hardest part of this journey because God asked me to surrender my desire for pregnancy to Him. And then He told me no more treatments, adopt!! You better believe that is not what I wanted!! But I knew I had to surrender and trust God because if I kept going in a direction God was leading me away from I knew I wouldn’t see the something more god had planned. And so I surrendered and the floodgates of heaven’s blessings poured out for God’s glory. He gave us Little Bug.

Thank you Jesus for the pain, tears and agony. May our lives continue for Your Glory as we raise this little girl to love You.

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