Full disclosure. Repentance. Forgiveness.
Those were the three vital components necessary to begin restoring our marriage.
In those early weeks, I couldn’t look Dave in the eyes. He would come every night to be involved in dinner time, bath time and getting the girls to bed. He would leave immediately after they were in bed. Soon, he started staying for a bit and we would talk on the couch and then he would leave. It was literally like starting over even though we had been married for 6.5 years!
If we were going to restore our marriage, I knew I needed to ask him to come home. About 3 or so weeks after everything had happened, I told him it was okay to come home. We did not resume normal married life right away. He did not sleep in our bed for several more weeks.
One of the biggest things we had learned in our marriage counseling was that in order to have a God-centered, healthy marriage, there needed to be a degree of openness that wasn’t there pre-January 22nd.
We both started working intentionally on being connected emotionally and spiritually. Because Dave was entrapped in a stronghold of sin, he had not been able to be the leader of our marriage and home as God designed the man to be.
Thinking back to how our marriage was before January of 2014 just makes me so sad to think about. We didn’t really have any connection. We were more like roommates, living in the same house but not communicating much at all. After the kids were in bed, we typically went to our separate areas of the house and stayed there until we went to bed. He would go to the home office and I would go to our bedroom. I went to bed way earlier than Dave did, giving him the prime opportunity for pornography once I was in bed asleep.
I think back to those years and had anyone asked me, I would have said I had a “good” marriage. There was no abuse, we did love each other (of that I am certain) and we had two adorable daughters. I was the stay at home mom I had always dreamed of being and Dave provided well for us. So much was missing in those days though and thinking back on it now washes a deep sadness over me. No one who knew us would have ever thought our marriage was doomed for destruction.
That’s how sin works though. It enters and destroys everything in it’s wake. We were headed to destruction…and we didn’t even know it.
I do remember we would make comments to each other every once in a while that we “needed to spend more time together”. We would try to spend time together but it felt forced and we both just wanted to get back to our individual past times.
I guess you could say that in the depths of my heart, I always felt like something was “off” but I could never pinpoint what and it wasn’t off enough for me to think that something was necessarily “wrong” because I felt like I had a “good” marriage! Dave had also become a mastermind in fooling me and covering up his shenanigans…so I had no suspicions until January.
We were wallowing towards destruction but PRAISE GOD, He intervened. While January 22, 2014, was the darkest day of my life, I can look back now and see that it was in that darkest hour that Light was beginning to shine on an extremely bleak situation.
God had essentially brought Dave to the bottom of the pit and was giving him a second chance at living life as a man of God and the leader of his wife and children.
Dave had a choice to make – a choice that would impact not only himself but his wife, two daughters and a baby boy that we did not yet know would be our son. A lot was at stake on January 22nd and that dark day was just the beginning of a whole slew of miracles we were on the horizon of experiencing!
Dave was making choices daily that showed me he was choosing God and his family over the sin he had been indulging in for the past several years. However, that did not take away the pain of betrayal and long road of rebuilding trust that lay before us.
There was lots still to do to restore our marriage and the road ahead was filled with numerous uncertainties.
I will write more about what those first few months of rebuilding trust were like in my next post.