Too Busy it seems…

It is so easy to allow yourself to contantly live life in the fast-lane. I do not like living life in the fast-lane as my way of life. Does that make any kind of sence?? But I do notice there are days or weeks every once in while that seem to be busy to the point of stressing me out. And I don’t even have kids…yet!

This is one of those weeks were I leave the house in the early morning and don’t arrive home until late in the evening for various reasons. I know there are some people who choose to live their life this way but I don’t like too.

So I’ve declared today a “Be still and know that God is God” day. When you don’t have even 5 minutes to spend with the Lord, you know you’re too busy. (I’m speaking to myself.)

I’ve also learned it is very therapeutic for me to write in this blog. I love to write. Before this blog, I would write in journals and I think, to this day, I’ve filled 30+ notebooks will journal entrees beginning when I was 15 years old. So it is nice to be typing away now.

Well, I’m not really sure the purpose of this blog entree other than for those of you that don’t know me personally, you probably learned a few things about me by reading this. And maybe those of you that do know me didn’t know these things about me.

Oh one more thing…since we are learning trivial things about me…

We are leaving Thursday for Ridgecrest. Wednesday after getting home from work around 6:30 I’ll do the laundry and then I’ll pack Thursday for us to leave around 4pm. I never wait to pack on the day we leave to travel. But there just isn’t time to do laundry and pack before then.

I’m ok, really. I know things will once again slow down. And all the things that are making me so busy are all things I want to do. But thank goodness, my life doesn’t go at this pace all the time.

We are on Day 6 of 14 … eight days to go.

Hanging in there

I’m hanging in there on this day 2 of the 14-day wait. Seems an eternity away but I know it will be here before I know it.

And there are lots of fun things in the near future…

My Aunt Naomi flies in from Texas tonight around 10pm to be here for Grandmother’s 80th Birthday. Since we live 5 minutes from the airport, she will spend the night with us tonight. I am looking forward to that.

Then, tomorrow we have a Woman’s One-day Retreat at our church. While I’m at the retreat Dave will be fixing our fence that broke during Tropical Storm Faye. It’s a good thing because Pretinha has decided escaping is her new favorite thing to do while outside.

Monday and Wednesday I get to spend the day with Ella and Ava and call it "going to work". I tell you, I love my job! It is so awesome how God worked this out for me.

Tuesday will be spent preparing for my Grandmother’s 80th Birthday party that night. This party will be very special as we honor a woman who has spent her lifetime serving the Lord.

Thursday, Dave, Amanda and I will drive to Ridgecrest!! Dave’s parents have never been there and wanted to see Fall leaves, so we decided to make an October trip to Ridgecrest. The leaves at this time are gorgeous there! I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years since Dave proposed to me at Ridgecrest on October 20, 2006!

Then, two days after we return from Ridgecrest, it will be Blood Work Day.

I’m still praying believing I am pregnant.

Faith

It’s late. I should be in bed. Or I should atleast be working on the scrapbook I am making my Grandmother for her 80th birthday, which is Tuesday. But I can’t concentrate on anything until I sort through today.

FAITH.

Just having faith and believing it will happen is what’s on my heart today.

All the other cycles, and especially the last cycle, I guarded my heart by not getting my hopes too high that I would get positive blood test results. Sounds silly, I know. Why go through all I go through each month to get ready for an insemination. All the drugs, doctor visits, ultrasounds, semen collections, shots, emotional roller coasters just to wait 2-weeks expecting nothing.

I do firmly believe, however, that the purpose of Cycles 1, 2 and 3 was not pregnancy but something far greater.

The work of Jesus Christ is clearly evident as you go back and read previous posts. This is one of the main reasons I started this blog. From the very beginning of this journey I knew God would use my circumstances to do something marvelous. He is definitely doing something marvelous, even now. And I wanted a way to record what He did and is doing.

From the start, I’ve known this is a journey, a pilgrimage. Meaning, I won’t be in these circumstances forever. Somehow, someway, I will be a mother because it is one of the greatest desires of my heart. It’s the somehow and someway that is the hard part because I don’t have the ending of this story…yet. But I know Who holds the writing tablet.

God is a faithful God. I look back on other trials in my life (that now pale in comparison to this one) and I clearly see how God faithfully brought me through the trial. He has never brought me to a trial and left me there. No, trials are meant to be the greatest teachers. It is through trials we learn Who God is and that He has a perfect plan unique just to you.

Alesha (who also had her IUI today) wrote a post a couple days ago about tunnels. That precisely describes trials in our life. In the middle of the tunnel it can be very dark and scary. Yet, He is still there by our side. He has promised never to leave us. He has promised to walk with us. But as time passes, you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. The trial, like the tunnel, is temporary, but the lessons learned while going through the tunnel (trial) are invaluable.

With each cycle I’ve gone through I can look back and see something God wanted to teach me.

Today I can’t stop dwelling on FAITH. The Bible clearly tells us what faith is. It is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. It takes faith to accept God’s free gift of salvation. I’ve accepted God’s free gift of salvation no questions asked. No doubts. I KNOW where I will spend eternity and never do I have to worry.

I feel it is time to have FAITH that I AM PREGNANT!

Allow me to be honest and say that is a scary thing to write. It is so tempting just to move the curser up there and tap, tap, tap the delete button until those words disappear. Each cycle, I’ve always been cautiously optimistic. I’ve guarded myself by allowing myself to hope but then always keeping negative results in the back of my head.

I’m going to take a risk. And I am NOT a risk-taker. At all.

I am going to step out on faith, FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST, and believe that Baby was created TODAY! No more doubts, no more worries. I am just going to BELIEVE.

I know, I know, I could potentially be setting myself up for complete heartbreak.

But it’s ok.

If it is not so, I think I’ve learned my lesson well.

God will have something even better than positive blood test results.

GOD IS FAITHFUL.

Even Jesus Asked, "Why?"

About a week ago I went with Amanda to Wal-Mart at about 10:30 at night. As we were leaving and walking out into the parking lot, I noticed a woman standing just outside the Wal-Mart entrance having a few more puffs of her cigarette before going into the store.

Not an unusual sight to see.

But then I had to do a double-take and couldn’t believe what I saw.

That woman was very obviously pregnant.

Needless to say, I was enraged and could not help but ask God, "Why do you allow her to conceive?" It makes no sense to me, this side of Heaven.

But then I realized, this is just one more example of why God is God and I am not.

The same could have been said about Mary, the woman who gave birth to Jesus in the stable. Why her? She was very young and she wasn’t even married yet. But she was God’s Plan and what an amazing plan that was now that we can look back on it!

My devotion yesterday was about Jesus asking, "Why?" Even Jesus, while on the cross, cried out asking God why.

My God, why have you forsaken me? Matthew 27:46

Jesus could have chosen to summon 12 legions of angels to help Him but He did not call on them. He did not call on them because He understood it was all part of God’s Plan for Him!

His words, "God, where are you?" teach us three truths:

  1. You can be in God’s Plan yet at times feel overwhelmed and alone.
  2. When God doesn’t answer right away, you must stand on the Word He has given you.
  3. The pain of this season will eventually give way to the joy God has awaiting you on the other side of it.

Satan will come against the plan of God because that plan is like a hedge of protection around you.

When you feel like you are at the end of your rope and you can’t go another step, do what Jesus did – pray! Father into your hands I commit my spirit. Luke 23:46

And someday, we’ll all, whether it be infertility struggles or something else, be able to look back and say, "God’s Plan was amazing!"

A Post Dedicated to my Infertility Blogger Friends

I was just thinking about all my blogger friends and realized there are six of us, including me, that are going through IUIs at right about the same time.

Some of us have already received wonderful news, others have once again received news they didn’t want to hear and still others are in the 2-week wait.

Beth got positive blood test results on Tuesday! Beth is pregnant! (Have those three words sunk in yet, Beth?!)

Alesha found out today she is not pregnant. (Alesha, we are praying for you.)

My friend at The Red Stain will have her first IUI procedure on Friday. So she will have her blood test sometime in early October.

Ashley will find out this Friday if her IUI worked.

MT had her IUI last week and will have her blood test on October 1st.

And then I am 9 days into the 2-week wait with 5 more days to go.

I wish we could ALL receive the news Beth received on Tuesday. But, girls, we must realize there is something far greater going on here than positive pregnancy tests. There is a plan and purpose for each and every one of us that God Himself has intricately designed.

I like what my devotion said for today. It was on one of my favorite verses as I have walked this journey…Jeremiah 29:11. The devotion was about God’s Plans for our lives. There were three main points.

  1. In times of trials in our life, we discover how faithful God is.
  2. God knows what we can handle.
  3. He will “make a way” so we can exit this season of our life stronger, and ready for what He has next.

The fact that we have a problem is a sign that we also have a promise! It’s only a matter of time before God reveals the solution.

A matter of time.

To some of us it may feel like time is running out. (I feel like that sometimes.) To others, it may feel like we have been on this infertility road for far too long. (I think we all could say we have felt that way.)

But God does not measure time like we do – in seconds, minutes, hours and days. God measures time in LOVE. He knows exactly what we need at exactly the precise, perfect time. His timing is always perfect.

Beth’s time was Tuesday. Alesha’s time wasn’t today. But chin up Alesha (and anyone else, myself included, who may receive the same news this month). It’s only a matter of time before God reveals to you His perfect plan, intricately designed just for you.

God’s Grace will be Sufficient

I’ve had these thoughts rolling through my mind for several days now but haven’t been able to put them into words or answer a very tough question I have. I am going to attempt now.

On September 29th one of two scenarios will happen. Each scenario starts out the same.

I will get up and go to the doctor, have my blood drawn and drive back home. Then, Dave and I will start pressure washing our house to keep us busy while we await the news. That will work for awhile but soon I will begin to get extremely antsy from the suspense. I will just want to know – one way or the other. I will threaten to go to Wal-Mart and get my own test so I can know in 3 minutes if the nurse doesn’t call me within the hour!

And then my cell phone will ring.

It is at this point in the story that there will be a fork in the road and two very different outcomes.

If I hear, "You are pregnant!" on the other end of the phone there are no words to describe how I will feel. But I know I will be praising the Lord for this tremendous blessing! And then I will think about the shear joy it will be to tell my mom and dad. The excitement and joy I will see on their face will forever be imprinted in my mind.

And if I hear, "Sorry. You are not pregnant." on the other end of the phone, there will be another day of incessant crying and rages of anger.

Here is the tough question.

Does it have to be this way?

Instead of crying uncontrollably and being angry, why not celebrate the fact that God is still at work?

God has taught me so much in the past month or two.

  • God’s plan is not only good – but the ultimate best for me!
  • The purpose of my life is to bring glory and honor to Jesus Christ.
  • God brings trials in my life so He can draw me close to Him and bring glory to His Name.
  • If I surrender my will for God’s, I will receive His will for my life.
  • God has plans that far surpass anything I can even imagine.
  • God’s grace is sufficient.
  • Each day is a gift from God and He know every intricate detail of my days.
  • It is God Himself who has put this desire in my heart to be a mother – so He can use this desire to draw me close to Him as I trust Him to bless me with a baby.

I really feel like God is asking me, if I am not pregnant once again, to TRUST HIM IMEDDIATELY instead of going into a fit of rage and then deciding to trust Him.

When I say fit of rage I mean fit of rage. It is not a pretty sight. Finding out we are not pregnant is a very dark day at our house. Very dark.

But does it have to be???

I say I want to bring God glory in this. So does crying incessantly or shedding some tears (I am not naive to say that my goal here is no tears! I am human and I do want to be pregnant.) and then putting my mind, heart and soul into thinking about the truths God has taught me, bring God the most glory? 

I think the second brings God more glory. And I know that there is no way I, in my own strength, can possible do that. NO WAY. If it’s up to me we are going down the fits of rage path. But if indeed I hear the sentence with the not again, I can only trust that GOD’S GRACE WILL BE SUFFICENT.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.        2 Corinthians 12:9-10

5 days down, 9 more to go

So I am 5 days into the 2-week wait with 9 more days of waiting to go and honestly, I can say that I just really haven’t given the whole ordeal much thought since walking out of the doctor’s office on Monday. And considering the circumstances, that is a really nice place to be.

Sure I’ll have to think about it someday (and obviously I am thinking about it right now as I type this post) but all in all I’ve just realized there is nothing I can do to change whatever news we will receive on the 29th. It’s going to either be "you are pregnant" or "you are not pregnant" and I am just really trying to focus on the fact that whatever God wills WILL happen and there is nothing I can do to change it. 

Nothing.

And that’s a really good thing too.

Because His Will is better than mine.

(I am trying to keep my focus on those truths.)

Jesus Heals 10 men with Leprosy

Nothing thrills my soul more than to read a story in the Bible that I’ve read 100 times already and get something new from it.

In Luke 17:11-19 we find Jesus traveling to Jerusalem and as he is entering a village, 10 men with leprosy meet him. They call out to Jesus saying, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!”

Jesus replies by saying, “Go show yourselves to the priests.”

And then the end of verse 14 says as they went, they were cleansed.

This would imply that their healing did not happen right away. It happened as they went to the priest.

Overcoming infertility, and so many other trials we must face in this life, is not going to happen overnight. It is going to happen as I daily walk the life God has chosen for me, knowing my victory day will come.

Back to the story…

In verse 15 one of the men, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked Him.

Jesus asks where the other 9 men were, for they had been cleansed too. Wow! Ten men are healed from a disease that made them an outcast of their village and only 10% of them come back to thank Jesus (I can do simple math…sometimes). Only one.

This one man is told by Jesus, “Rise and go, for your faith as made you whole.”

Whole. Whole means no missing pieces of the pie. Complete. Not lacking anything.

I also believe it means this leper had seen the whole circle of how God works, from start to finish. He suffered with a horrible disease, he cried out to God to help him, God heals Him in His time and he gives praise to God, acknowledging He is the one who healed him. See the whole circle…from suffering to praising God? He brings a trial so we praise Him, he brings another trial, so we praise Him again!

That’s how God works…so HE receives glory and praise!!

To all my dear infertility friends…we are on this circle, and eventually, in God’s Time, we will all be praising God.

Nehemiah 8:10

The joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

God has blessed my life so graciously and really, I have so much to be thankful for.

As much as I want to be a mother, I know my cup is full to the brim and finding out I am pregnant will only make my cup overflow. God has given me so much already to be joyful about.

I think, if we look into our lives hard and long enough, we can all find tremendous blessings present – even if at this very moment your heart is longing for something that sometimes seems light years away or if something in the past happened to you that was a traumatic event.

Think about it. How has God blessed you? Let’s fill this post with comments sharing how God has blessed you!

PS: If you’ve never left a comment but want to respond to this question through leaving a comment on this blog, it is easy as pie.

Just click comment, write your comment in the box and type in the letters you will see under the box you wrote in. Then you need to choose an identity. If you don’t have a blogger account, you can still leave a comment by just clicking on anonymous. But be sure to leave your name in your comment so we know who left it!

A Conversation between Grace and Evan

Grace and Evan came over tonight to hang out with me while Ashlie went to Bible Study. This conversation was heard between them as I was making chocolate pudding within ear shot.

Evan: (looking into our backyard from the sliding glass window) Why doesn’t Laine have a play set in her backyard?

Grace: Because she doesn’t have kids.

Evan: (with a cute grin in his face) Oh, yeah!

Grace: But she will.

Grace knows Laine wants a baby and it is taking longer than she wants to get one, but she has no idea of the fertility treatments that we are going through being that she is only 10 years old.

Whether I am pregnant or not this cycle, I will never forget hearing her say that and then praying, “Please, God, let it be even now.”