Category Archives: Adoption

Little Bug’s birth

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I didn’t date this, but I wrote it shortly after Little Bug’s arrival so I would not forget anything about the moments surrounding her birth.

On Tuesday, May 26th, 2009, I awoke very anxious for Little Bug to be here! Two weeks prior we had had a false alarm where Tracy called us saying she was contracting and she may go to the hospital that night. That was May 11th. Tracy did end up calling us saying she was going to the hospital. Dave and I went too and were there for about 3 hours with Tracy and her mother.

Back to May 26th… When I awoke that day I was just so ready for Little Bug to be here. During my quiet time that morning I wrote out my prayer to God. I basically said that I acknowledged that He already knew the day and hour Little Bug would be born. I told Him that I was very anxious for Little Bug to be here and just be through with the waiting season. Then I told Him that I desired His will above all and that I knew whatever happened was exactly the way He had planned it from the start. I told Him I knew He was in control of everything.

The night of May 26th Dave and I went over to my parents’ house for dinner. At around 10:45pm we had just pulled into the driveway and the cell phone rang. My heart immediately began beating very fast. Dave and I had driven separate cars. He saw I was on the phone and walked over to my car window.

Tracy was telling me that she thought her water had broken and she was headed to the hospital. She said that she would call us back once she got there and was checked out. About 2 hours later she called to say her water had broken and they were admitting her. She later called and told us to come on up. We entered the room and there she lay in the bed. Her mom and sister were there with her in the room. Labor had not started naturally so they were going to give her Pitocin to induce labor. Tracy started having contractions here and there, but they didn’t seem very regular or very painful. I knew it was going to be a long night for everyone! The minutes seemed to be ticking by incredibly slow.

At some point Dave and I went out to the waiting room. Tracy had asked us to leave and she was going to get some sleep. We decided to try and get some sleep too. Dave slept; I, however, did not. At 7:09am I was on the phone with I think Maria when the cell phone rang. I answered and it was Tracy’s mom saying, “She is giving birth!”. I could hear Tracy moaning in the background.

I immediately told Dave we need to get back there. I had to put my contacts in and then we headed to the room. As we were walking I got the urge to run and felt we needed to get there NOW.

As I walked into the room, Little Bug had just come out and the doctor was holding her. They were asking who was going to cut the cord as I walked up. They said I would, so I cut the cord which was very special. Then they moved Little Bug over to the table where they take Apgar scores and clean her up. I walked over there with her. That nurse was especially nice and let me take pictures and even put my finger in her little hand for her to grasp. Those were some precious moments as I first saw with my own eyes my daughter.

The only thing was she wasn’t yet my daughter. It was an odd feeling really. I was so enamored with the moments of being there yet I had to remain somewhat guarded because I knew Tracy still had every right to her even though her intentions were to follow through with her adoption plan for her baby.

The nurse bundled Little Bug up and asked if I wanted to hold her. I told her Tracy had told me she wanted to hold her first and then she would “give her to her Mama”. To Tracy, that only seemed right and I totally agreed with her. The nurse gave Little Bug to Tracy and she held her for a few moments and admired her. Then she passed her to her mother who held her for a few moments. Then she was passed to me. I held her and then Dave held her. Dave and I kept passing her back and forth. She was just beautiful and precious. Her little face was all bruised because of her quick entry into the world. Those were some unforgettable moments.

5/22/09

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Little Bug turns four years old next Monday. In this week leading up to her birthday, I have decided to go back in the handwritten journal I kept during my wait until her birth and share some of my writings from that time. This one was written on May 22, 2009, five days before Little Bug entered this world.

And we still wait. Even knowing You know the day and hour and have everything already planned, I am still so anxious for Little Bug to be born. I’m just so ready to be done with the adoption process and move on to learning to parent with Dave. I look forward to the days of sleep-deprivation, a crying newborn and trying to figure out what soothes her best. I look forward to all that because it will all be normal – something every couple who’s just brought a newborn home from the hospital goes through!

These past 2 years have been anything but the norm! I’m ready for some normalcy to our lives – even if it is a different kind of chaos!

On the same hand, I certainly wouldn’t trade one single thing of our journey for any piece of “normal”. We’ve traveled the road God set before us 2 years ago and we made it our goal to walk the road of infertility with our trust in the Lord. He has proven His loving faithfulness to us, and to all people who put their trust and hope in Him.

When I go back and read blog posts I posted even as far as a year ago, it is so evident that I knew deep within my heart that we would not stay in the pit of despair forever. I also knew early on that God was up to something big. I stated many times throughout my blog that God’s plan for my life is bigger and better than anything I could plan for myself. I embraced my infertility. I did not accept it as a curse. I knew it was God’s tool that He was using to do something big in my life, something that only HE could do to point people to Himself. When people hear the story of how Little Bug came into our lives, God’s Name is written all over her! It thrills my heart to no end that I worship a God who can take my temporary pain and turn it into something as beautiful as Little Bug.

I know God desires to do something big in any Child of God’s life who is going through infertility or some other trial. I’ve learned over the past years to receive God’s blessings and for God to be able to work in one’s life so that He can receive the glory, we must step back in surrender and let God lead us every step of the way. Where He leads we must follow and what He says do or don’t do, we must obey. Only then can we discover the something more He has planned.

I definitely know what it means to surrender and that was the hardest part of this journey because God asked me to surrender my desire for pregnancy to Him. And then He told me no more treatments, adopt!! You better believe that is not what I wanted!! But I knew I had to surrender and trust God because if I kept going in a direction God was leading me away from I knew I wouldn’t see the something more god had planned. And so I surrendered and the floodgates of heaven’s blessings poured out for God’s glory. He gave us Little Bug.

Thank you Jesus for the pain, tears and agony. May our lives continue for Your Glory as we raise this little girl to love You.

DNA: It just doesn’t matter.

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We were out as a family when I heard Dave tell someone that we adopted both of our girls and then the person responded by saying, “It takes a special person to love a kid that isn’t yours.”

We don’t usually get a lot of comments from people about adoption, but this one stopped me in my tracks and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I was glad that Little Bug was distracted and did not understand what the person was implying to her Daddy because, goodness gracious, that could be very painful for her to hear that!

It angered me that someone would say that when our daughters are right there. Fortunately, they are little and even if Little Bug had not been distracted, I don’t think she would have understood what was being said. Or maybe she would. She is one smart little girl.

But it made me think about the future when someone might say that again with her standing right there, understanding exactly what they are implying.

While a part of me was angered that that comment had the potential to hurt my children, the other part of me was deeply saddened that this person obviously has not experienced a love that defies genetics and allows us to love our children as if they were flesh of our flesh and bone of our bone.

And you know what? Really – them not being flesh of our flesh and bone of our bone is a mute point. It just simply doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. I don’t know how else to say it.

There was a time when I thought it might matter. I think everyone who adopts goes through a time when they think and wonder if they will be able to love a baby that isn’t genetically related to them.

But really genetics is just science. That is all it is. Genetics is what gave my daughters their hair color, eye color, their temperaments – but it stops there. They are who they are today because they are where they are today.

There is some truth to what that person said. My girls are not mine. I don’t know if adoption taught me this or what, but I know my children are not mine. They are God’s. They are a gift straight from heaven.

It is my greatest joy and honor to be able to raise these girls to love the God who orchestrated the events that eventually put them in my arms. It is a gift I do not take for granted and I will forever know these children are not mine – they are the Lord’s. Children are a gift from the Lord and I am so incredibly grateful that despite my barren womb, I am a mother.

From the moment they were each laid in my arms, there was the promise that these babies were the babies God was going to give me to call my own – as if I had just given birth to them myself.

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I will never in a million years forget those first few moments of holding each of my daughters. There is no way I could attempt to put in words what my heart was feeling in those moments although I have attempted to many times on this blog! They were sacred moments when all the pain and tears of infertility dissipated into the past and I was left holding a beautiful miracle of God in my arms. A baby that God and their birth mothers had chosen me to mother.

It did not take me long to realize that DNA has nothing to do with the love a mother feels for her child. It just simply didn’t matter. She was my baby; I was her mother. That was it.

It’s really no different than a man and woman who love each other. Husband and wife have no DNA connection (let’s hope that is the case, anyway!) and yet they love each other deeply! No one ever asks me how I can possibly love Dave because I am not genetically connected to him and the same is true for our children. There is no genetic connection but they are our children and we are their parents.

Little Bug and Sweet Pea are “ours” in every way imaginable, but ultimately, they belong to God.

One Minute

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We have an opportunity to sign a petition that can potentially make a BIG difference in the lives of the millions of orphans around the world.

You might have heard of the documentary STUCK that has been traveling around the USA. The documentary STUCK is an initiative of the Both Ends Burning Campaign. The film was made to help people understand the issues and problems surrounding the international adoption process and hopefully put pressure on world leaders, particularly in the US, to change. Click here to learn more.

It literally takes ONE MINUTE of your time to sign this petition!!!

Signing the petition puts your name on a piece of paper to show our leaders, specifically Obama and Congress that Americans want and need change in the international adoption process. And more than that, these children NEED the families that want to bring them hope.They need to be able to get to them faster as many need medical help and are literally DYING while waiting.

There is a march in DC next Friday and this petition is being presented then. 1,000,000 signatures were wanted, but the Stuck and Both Ends Burning organizations are now just hoping and praying for at least 30,000 signatures.

Monday, May 13, Stuck is also urging people to take time to call their representatives to express concern about international adoption. Click here for more information on the walk and calling representatives.

Will you PLEASE take  one minute of your time, click HERE and sign the petition so STUCK and Both Ends Burning organizations can at least take 30,000 signatures to the walk on May 17th?? At the time I am writing this, there are 14,410 signatures.

If you don’t want to have emails from these organizations you can easily unsubscribe from the emails once you receive the first one.

We MUST be the voice for the orphans around the world who desperately need change, life and family.

Walls

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One of my most favorite adoption blogs is Pink Shoes written by Maggie.

As we are in the process of packing up everything we own and moving across town, I am reminded of one of my all-time favorite posts from Pink Shoes called “This Wall”. You can read it HERE.

As our walls are becoming bare I’ve been thinking about the past 6 years of my life which have been lived in this house.

The events of the past six years have shaped who I will be for the rest of my life.

It is kind of sad to be leaving this place.

I think the room I will miss the most is Little Bug’s room.

When we first moved in, it was the guest room. We had a twin bed, dresser and a little end table in there.

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When we started trying to have a baby, I dreamed of the days when our guest room would be transformed into a nursery.

That room held so many dreams and hopes….

And then there were the infertility days when I would pass by that room daily and wonder what it would ever become. One day my neighbor was having a yard sale before she moved. I noticed a white rocking chair for sale and walked over to check it out. It was in perfect condition and I decided to purchase it to put in the guest room as my “Faith Rocking Chair”. It was my statement that I believed God was going to bless us with a child, someway, somehow.

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And then the day finally came!

Spring of 2009 we had been matched with a birth mom due in June and it was finally time to turn that guest room into a nursery. We painted the walls green and pink to match the bedding I had picked out for our baby girl. I hung some frames on the walls that would eventually hold pictures of our precious baby. Little girl clothes started filling up the closet.

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When we brought Little Bug home from the hospital, I walked straight to her bedroom with her in my arms. I sat in the “Faith Rocking Chair” and wrapped her up in the “Faith Blanket” my mother had sewn together as we waited for God to do His work. That was such a precious day.

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As I am writing this, we have not started to take down and pack anything in Little Bug’s room yet. I know that room is going to be the hardest room to see come un-done.

As I get in there and put all my baby girl’s things into boxes and take down those picture frames that were hung nearly four years ago, I want to think about the words Maggie wrote when she was doing the same: packing up her daughter’s room in preparation to move.

Maggie took a picture of herself and her daughter, Georgia, in front of one particular wall in Georgia’s room. Like us, Georgia’s room had been a guest room before Georgia’s birth and Maggie was actually in that very room when she received the phone call about Georgia. She had quickly grabbed a piece of paper within reach to jot down notes. She still has that crumpled piece of paper to this day.

But on the day she was leaving that house – and that special room – she was thinking about the walls of her life.

And one particular wall in her life: the wall of infertility.

A wall forces you to either find a way around it or turn in a new direction.

For me, the wall of infertility made me turn in a new direction. (Same for Maggie.)

Dave and I tried to have a baby, even going as far as doing multiple infertility treatments, but ultimately, that wall turned us to a new direction: adoption.

When you think of a wall being erected I think it automatically brings negative thoughts.

But some walls are good and not all walls are bad.

I was met with the wall of infertility and it has totally changed the course of my life, for which I am eternally grateful.

As we leave this house this week, I carry the events that occurred within these walls with me for the rest of my life. Never to be forgotten.

They have truly shaped me into the person I am today.

20 Months!

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Sweet Pea is 20 months old!

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Sweet Pea has done a lot of growing up this past month. It’s been a big month for her.

She fully switched to a one nap schedule! March 2nd was the first day of her one nap schedule and she fell right into it with no problems. I love the approach I took with Sweet Pea in this transition. We hung on to the two nap schedule as long as possible and, because Sweet Pea was so “old” when we finally made the transition, she did it with no problems. At first her one nap was about 4 hours long! I figured it would shorten some because that is one marathon of a nap and by the end of the month it had shortened to about 3-3.5 hours long.

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Sweet Pea is saying more and more words. She had her 18 month check up today (we got behind on these appointments) and I shared with her pedi that the therapist was telling me Sweet Pea would probably need speech therapy too, but I felt in my gut that she would just start speaking later than average since she has done everything else (siting up, walking, etc.) later than average. The pedi said that all we really want to see is progress and the fact that at about 17 months all Sweet Pea was really saying was “Mama” and “Dada” and now, at 20 months she has probably 20 words, she IS making progress. Pedi said if she doesn’t make progress from now until her 2 year check up THEN she would need speech therapy.

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Speaking of therapy…food therapy was one BIG fat disaster. We ended up just pulling her out. After three different therapists, about 6 appointments and no progress being made because the therapist we got stuck with refused to try a different method with Sweet Pea, we had had enough and we pulled her out. The pedi gave me permission to take Sweet Pea off the pureed baby food today! Woo hoo!!! She told me to pay attention to food colors, give her an empty plate at meal times with lots of healthy food choices and then let her ask for things to eat. Limit snacking so she will be hungry to eat at meal times. So we are trying this for now and hopefully she will get over her fear of textures in time.

In the picture above, Sweet Pea was eating shrimp at her Gram’s birthday dinner! She was eating those up! She loved them! But then she had this weird rash on her face and I assumed it was from the shrimp so I haven’t let her have them since. But – she ate something new. Progress.

Sweet Pea loves shoes! We were shopping and LB was trying on some shoes and Sweet Pea decided she wanted to try on shoes too so she started taking her shoes off so she could try on some shoes. She loves to walk around the house in other people’s shoes. She also loves hats!

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Sweet Pea loves to dance! She’s got some rhythm too. She also enjoys spinning until she falls over. She will just spin and spin in the middle of the living room floor laughing away at herself as she spins.

Sweet Pea enjoys puzzles and she is good at them! When I took the picture below, she sat down and did that puzzle completely on her own with no help at all from me!

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In the last month Sweet Pea has become a huge Daddy’s Girl. Her daddy is just loving this. Sweet Pea literally squeals with delight when she hears the garage go up when Dave gets home from work. And when Dave leaves in the morning she give him one hug and then runs to the door a million times for more hugs before he finally leaves. Sweet Pea lights up at the mention of “Daddy”. It is so precious.

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I’ve noticed Sweet Pea coming out of her shell more recently! From a tiny infant she has always been pretty shy and reserved, but over the past month she has gained confidence and initiated interactions with adults and children. When I ask her if she want to go play with her friends at church on Sunday mornings she always nods her head “yes” and she hasn’t had to be ripped from my arms screaming in over a month! I am glad to see this social side of Sweet Pea!

We read together in the mornings now that Sweet Pea doesn’t nap. I am teaching the girls to take turns. When it is their turn, they pick a book, bring it to me and they can sit on my lap while I read it. Then when it is sister’s turn they have to get up and let sister sit on my lap. Oh, Sweet Pea does not like this one bit. But she will learn! Hopefully our reading time in the morning will be enjoyable soon!

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Sweet Pea loves her Independent Playtime in her bedroom. When I tell her it is time to play in her room she runs to her room and goes to her closet because she wants to pick her toys. She does very well playing in there. She usually steals her blankie from her crib and has a little blankie time during her room time. She does 60 minutes of play in her bedroom.

Sweet Pea wears 18 month clothes, but I’ve already got the 2T clothes in her closet because it won’t be long and she will be able to start wearing them! She wears size 5 diapers and a size 3 or 4 shoe.

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Four months and she will be two years old – the age her sister was when she was born! Doesn’t seem possible. The second child grows up WAY faster than the first. It is hard to believe I soon won’t have a child who’s age is measured in months instead of years!

Sweet Pea’s schedule (19 months old):

8am wake up

9:30-10:30am IP

11:45am Lunch

12:30-4:00/4:30pm Nap

6pm Dinner

7pm Bath

7:30/7:45pm Bedtime

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HAPPY 20 MONTHS, SWEET PEA!!!

almost FOUR!

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Oh my Little Bug! She is around the corner from turning FOUR!

I remember taking this picture like it was yesterday. Little Bug was exactly one month old and I had finally gotten her to sleep and laid her down on the bouncy chair. I can remember just looking at her and taking her in – she was my baby!! I wasn’t babysitting! I was actually a mother to this adorable baby girl!

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Where do I even begin in describing this girl?!

The days are long but the years are short is a good start, I think.

Little Bug’s strong personality becomes more apparent with every passing year. She is a smart, confident little girl that never meets a stranger. She befriends everyone – and age does not matter. She has “best friends” who are 100 years old (her great-great-grandma who passed away last spring) all the way down to the little girl she “met” while sitting on the toilet in the restroom at Cracker Barrel.

Let me tell this story:

We walked into the restroom, entered a stall and Little Bug became aware there was a “friend” in the stall next to her. So she said (as she sat on the toilet), “Hey!! How old are you?!”.

And the little girl replied, “Six! How old are you?”

Little Bug said, “Free!” {Three}

And then they continued to talk about whatever 6 and 3 year old girls talk about while peeing in a public bathroom!

The little girl was finished before Little Bug and left the restroom before Little Bug was out of her stall and Little Bug was so forlorn that she did not get to see her new friend.

Whereas some kids shy away from adults, Little Bug does not. If the person is Mommy or Daddy’s friend, Grams or Gramps’ friend, they are her friends too! And any kid who comes to the neighborhood park is automatically Little Bug’s friend. Little Bug captivates everyone she meets. Her spunky, talkative, charming personality draws people to her.

She is an extrovert through and through. She is not an introvert at all.

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This larger than life personality leaves this Mama feeling run down many days because with her spunk comes a stubborn streak that can make for some very long days! There is never any question or doubt about what Little Bug thinks about anything. She has an opinion about everything!

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At nearly four years old Little Bug loves: dress up, Disney, princesses, FOOD (more on that in a min), orange juice, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, parks, outside play, being around family, building forts, pretending to put people to sleep in her bed and picking flowers to give to Mommy.

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I cannot keep this girl full!!! She literally eats all day long – from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to bed. She will get up from a meal after eating adult-sized portions and say, “I’m hungry! Can I have a snack?”!! As a general rule, my kids don’t snack much because snacking can make a child not eat their meals well for lack of hunger, but Little Bug is always hungry so I am always feeding her it seems! As long as the snacks don’t interfere with her three daily meals, she can snack all she wants to be able to get the food she needs. It is amazing how much this girl eats! I guess she is in some major growth spurt because shirts that fit her just a couple months ago are now too short on her!

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Little Bug loves books. She always has. She loves to be read to and, recently, she has figured out that getting a large stack of books and reading them on her own is very fun, too!

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At almost four, she is still napping daily. There is the occasional missed nap here and there, but when she does not nap, it shows, so we still have a daily naptime. She naps usually 2-2.5 hours. Bedtime is 8-8:15pm and she gets up around 8am.

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It’s a little hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have an almost four-year-old. I remember the days wondering if I’d ever be a mother and here I’m almost the mom of a four-year-old!! It’s been a wild and crazy four years with this girl and I look forward to many more adventures with the little girl who made me a Mommy.

19 Months!

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Sweet Pea is 19 months old!!

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My baby is growing up. She is the sweetest little thing you ever did meet!

She is starting to say more words. She will surprise me and repeat a word I say every so often. Her food therapist mentioned that she might need speech therapy as well but my gut said just like she met her other milestones a little later than average, she will start talking a little later than average, too. I’m not worried at this point about her speech.

The biggest news this month is that, as of March 2nd, she is now taking only ONE nap!! (I’m actually writing this on day 2 of only one nap, so at this point I can’t really say how it is going!) Just before turning 18 months, she just stopped sleeping for that hour in the morning, but I kept laying her down for a “rest time”. From 18-18.5 months old, she only slept in the morning maybe a couple times. Then, after she cut her finger and lost so much sleep from being at the ER, she started sleeping for about 30 minutes in the morning. But, that morning sleep proved to be messing up her afternoon sleep! There was one afternoon when she did not sleep AT ALL in the afternoon and many afternoons where she lay in there for over an hour before falling asleep. She had never done that before. I adjusted naptimes slightly and it worked for a couple days and then she was back to messed up afternoon naps and I knew the time had come: It was (finally!!!) time to drop the morning nap!

I’ve been looking forward to this because now we can get out in the mornings to run errands, go to playdates, go on fun outings, etc. It will be so nice to have our mornings free again! I don’t mind at all having to sacrifice morning outings so a baby can sleep (I’d rather do that than have a screaming, overtired infant on my hands!), but it will be so nice not to have to be home to get Sweet Pea a morning nap!

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Sweet Pea has started her food therapy and honestly, I am just not pleased with the services we are receiving. Sweet Pea has had three different therapists (because her first went on maternity leave – totally understandable) but the two she has seen since have two very different ways of approaching this issue. One follows Sweet Pea’s lead while encouraging her to touch, taste, kiss, smell foods that Sweet Pea refuses to eat or touch and the other has been trying to get Sweet Pea to learn to follow her commands and then “rewards” her by letting her do a puzzle. I just don’t see how the second approach is effective at all. Unfortunately, we are scheduled to have therapy with the second girl for the remainder of Sweet Pea’s appointments. I am going to call and politely explain the situation and ask if we can see the other girl.

After just one session with the other girl, I was able to get Sweet Pea to eat some peas! But after two sessions with the girl whose approach is proving to not be effective at all with Sweet Pea, Sweet Pea will no longer eat peas. So frustrating.

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Sweet Pea’s morning nap time has been replaced with Independent Playtime in her bedroom (when we are home) and she absolutely loves it. Unlike her sister, this girl does not have a problem with playing alone. She actually loves it. When I tell her it’s time to play in her room, she excitedly runs to her room and wants me to open her closet so she can get her toys out!

Now that we have more time in the mornings, I want to start implementing a Learning Time with Sweet Pea too. It won’t be anything major. Just some intentional time when I sit down with her to work on puzzles, coloring, play-doh, letters and numbers.

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At 19 months old Sweet Pea loves: playing in sister’s room (that is a real treat), eating a whole apple, bath time, playing outside, books, baby dolls, baby strollers and puzzles.

She makes this goofy face where she tucks her upper lip into her bottom:

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Sweet Pea is very interested in sister going potty on the potty. She will peak into the toilet but she isn’t very fond about sitting on the big potty herself. I am going to take the same approach to potty training with Sweet Pea as I did with Little Bug: when it is clear Sweet Pea is ready (not me), I will train her. Little Bug was a breeze to train that way. For now, being interested in sister going potty on the big potty is enough for me!

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Sweet Pea got a big boo-boo on February 19th after she got hold of a snowglobe and it cut her hand. It landed her in the ER and she got 3 stitches. I took her to the pedi on February 28th to get the stitches out but they were not ready to come out. We were told we’d have to go back to the ER in a couple days to have them taken out (no, thank you) so we asked my parents’ life long friend who is a doctor if he would take them out. He was more than happy to do that and the stitches came out on March 2nd. The cut has healed nicely and most likely there will be hardly any scar, if any, left.

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Sweet Pea’s schedule (18 months old):

8am wake up

9:45-10:45am nap (Most of this month, she just rested during this hour.)

10:45-11:45am Independent Playtime

12:00pm Lunch

12:45 or 1:15pm – 4:30pm nap

6pm Dinner

7/7:30pm bedtime

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HAPPY 19 MONTHS, SWEET PEA!!

Another March 8th

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As March rolls around every year, it takes me back to March 8th, 2009. I don’t think there will ever be a March where I don’t reflect on the day that totally changed the course of my life – forever.

I like to go back in the blog and read posts from that time. They certainly aren’t pleasant posts to read, but they tell a story of God’s faithfulness, that is for sure. Here’s something I wrote the day after on March 10th, 2009:

What can you do but pick up the pieces after a day like yesterday?

It’s no joke that the road of infertility is full of ups and downs. While yesterday was probably the lowest of the lows for us in our journey so far, I still found myself watching the clock and waiting for the day to end so a new one could begin.

I know a new day signifies a fresh outlook and while we never assumed the outcome of our first attempt at IVF would be this bad, we can only move forward from here and deal with the new set of circumstances that have been given to us.

I decided long ago that I am going to choose to set my mind on God and not my circumstances that seem to grow dimmer and dimmer with each passing treatment.

However, this blow knocked me down hard. Yesterday put me that much closer to the reality of having to accept that I may actually never be pregnant and give birth to a baby.

But yesterday also made me realize once again that I am not in control here and neither is my doctor. God is in control and yesterday did not take Him by surprise at all.

Now, more than ever, I must trust that God has a perfect plan that somehow involves the bleak circumstances of yesterday. If I don’t believe that simple truth, I literally have nothing.

As for now, we are converting this IVF cycle to an IUI. I will go in tomorrow at 8am for another ultrasound to monitor what this solo follicle hanging out in my left ovary is doing. I’m predicting (based on how the three IUIs before surgery went) that we will be ready for insemination towards the end of this week. Assuming, of course, that this one follicle doesn’t decide to take a leave of absence as well.

Honestly, I’m not allowing myself to think too much about this IUI and the possibilities that lie within. I justcan’t allow my mind to think that this could be it.

As far as our next step beyond an IUI goes … we are once again at a crossroad of decision-making and need your prayers as we make (another) big decision.

When not-so-great odds, a huge sum of money and a deep desire to be a mother are all thrown into making one decision, it makes for a very complex decision to be made.

I know without a shadow of doubt that the prayers of many faithful prayer warriors is what pulled me through yesterday. Thank you, from the bottom of my broken heart, for all the prayers, comments, emails, Facebook messages and phone calls.

I could never convey to you in words how much it means to me to know that I have an army of prayer warriors lifting me up to the Father on a consistent basis – especially on a day like yesterday when I literally just didn’t know what to pray.

We will probably never fully understand this side of heaven the complete impact your prayers have made.

But I am completely confident that one day we will all be able to look back on this entire journey and see a beautiful outcome that is far better and far greater than anything we can even imagine today.

I, for one, am looking forward to that glorious day!

It’s four years later and I am no where near that place I was four years ago on March 8th. These words I wrote then give God glory, today: Now, more than ever, I must trust that God has a perfect plan that somehow involves the bleak circumstances of yesterday. If I don’t believe that simple truth, I literally have nothing.

Oh, how true those words were and still are now! God did have a perfect plan that did involve the bleak circumstances of March 8, 2009. He was setting the stage to do His miracle. First the miracle of Little Bug and then, two years later, the miracle of Sweet Pea – all of which He had to orchestrate outside my womb.

But He also did another miracle.

I never in a million years thought I’d ever be at peace with never experiencing pregnancy and childbirth, but I am. I am totally at peace.

There was a time when even the thought of never experiencing it would send me into torrents of tears. I always held on to hope that one day it would still happen. Even after Little Bug’s birth, I still wished I could experience pregnancy.

I really cannot pinpoint the time when God changed my heart on this matter. It didn’t happen overnight; it happened gradually. When we started thinking about #2, we talked about trying for a pregnancy again, but we soon realized God had turned our hearts fully on adoption and I realized I didn’t need to experience pregnancy for my life to be complete. Carrying a baby in my womb and giving birth does not make me who I am.

God makes me who I am. I find my worth in Him because without Him, I am nothing and apart from Him, I can do nothing.

God wrote a different story for me. Yes, God created woman in the Garden of Eden and told her to “be fruitful and multiply”. My womb will never be fruitful, but my arms are lacking nothing.

I am thankful to be in this place, today, 48 months later.

heavy

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My heart is so heavy for a friend of mine named Becky.

She has been waiting for over one year to bring her second son, Jonah, home through international adoption. Just like Joshua’s adoption, this adoption is proving to be an extreme roller coaster filled with many ups and downs.

Tuesday Becky received some very, very difficult adoption news concerning Jonah’s adoption.

No one should have to carry this burden alone and while I know no one reading this can take this difficult news away from Becky and her family, we can all pray for this family and let them know we are praying.

I know when I’ve been at the lowest of lows, simply knowing someone out there was praying to the Lord on my behalf was encouragement enough to keep prodding along.

Would you take a few minutes to read Becky’s story and just let her know you are praying? Spread the word too that this family needs prayer.

I just cannot imagine what must be going through her mind after all this time, all these obstacles and all these months of waiting.

Just lift her up to the Father with me, please.