I spent some time today going back in my blog and reading posts from February of last year – the month after everything happened with Tracy and the month before things started happening with Sweet Pea.

It was so interesting to me to read what I wrote in February because most of my posts centered around acknowledging that God is in control of our second adoption journey and the realization that I just needed to sit back and wait in great expectation for God to do another miracle.

I had no idea of knowing what God was going to start doing on March 8th when my friend Jennifer text me about an adoption situation, wondering if we would be interested.

During the months of waiting to see if we would be matched with this birth mother, the lessons God desired to teach me were all about the fact that GOD was in control of everything and nothing I did or didn’t do would change the outcome.

God had it all under control, even though at the time, there was a lot of waiting involved and a lot of uncertainty on my end.

It just amazes me how God prepares our hearts for what is to come. He planted these seeds in my heart in February knowing in March and until I had Sweet Pea in my arms in August, I would need to hang on knowing that God was in control.

If you have some time, go back and read my posts from February of last year. The words I wrote astound me because I had no idea what God was about to do.

When we find ourselves in a situation where we can’t see the big picture and we don’t have access to all the details, we must remember that God sees it all. He has planned it all. And not only that, He has something good in store, even if it looks like you’ve been deserted in left field.

He is there. Right beside you. And when the right time comes, He will start to reveal the big picture and you too will one day be able to look back on these days of only having just a fraction of the puzzle pieces and you will be able to see the big picture and know that God was in control of every single detail even when it seemed like everything was so uncertain.

It is strange to me that six months have already passed since Sweet Pea’s birth. On the day she turned 6 months old, around noon on that day, I remembered what happened at that exact moment. I believe it was actually a minute until noon and Emily called to tell me Sweet Pea had been born at 7:55am that morning.

The journey that had begun on March 8th – and, really, I guess you could say our official second adoption journey began on December 13, 2010, with Emily’s phone call that Tracy was pregnant – came to a close on August 4th when we jumped in the car and drove the 1.5 hours to go meet our second daughter after the TPR had been signed.

I guess reaching this point – 6 months after our second adoption in 2 years – makes me want to sit back and reflect upon the faithfulness of God through both of our adoptions.

It also takes me way back to September of 2008, the month I saw my first of countless negative pregnancy tests.

Those were my days of having only a fraction of the puzzle pieces. I couldn’t see the big picture which means there were many very hard days as I saw my dream slip away and I was powerless to do anything to change the circumstances I found myself in.

It sounds so cliché, I know, but God was in control. He had a beautiful journey laid out before me.

I am just standing in awe of all this today – and every day.

And thanking God, once again, that His plans were not mine.

This little man

officially

became

an

Adams

yesterday!

To see Rebecca’s post about this special day, click here!

I was contacted by the co-author of the book, Called to Adoption: The Christian’s Guide to Answering the Call. Heather Featherston asked me if I would be interested in reading a copy of the book she co-authored with Mardie Caldwell.

I replied that I would love to receive a copy and soon I held a copy in my hand.

I had it for a while before I started reading it (because of the holidays), but then one night I decided to start reading it.

Before I say anything further, I am not being compensated monetarily for saying anything about this book on my blog. I am taking the time to post about this book on my blog because I feel it is an EXCELLENT resource to anyone who is thinking about starting the adoption process.

I read this book practically in one sitting! It was a VERY easy read but full of so much useful information about the entire adoption process.

I can remember when we decided that we were going to adopt, it was completely overwhelming. It was hard to know what step was first and what to do next!

This book will walk you through the entire process. There is information to help you choose what type of adoption you want to pursue (domestic or international, private or agency adoption), figure out finances and the degree of openness you feel is appropriate with the birth family…and lots more!!

I especially appreciated two valuable pieces of information in this book.

I remember being very apprehensive about the home study process. This book really does put the home study into perspective and teaches you what it really is about.

Many prospective adoptive parents are under the assumption that they have to have the house looking like a model home and completely spotless, but this book dispelled that myth by saying, “They are not looking for a model home, but one where a child will be safe and clean.” (page 42)

Another piece of information I really appreciated about this book was that, “Communication is one of the main keys to adoption success.” (page 41)

In my opinion, that statement is absolutely true. Communication is key is most every thing in life, so it does make sense that it would be key to a successful adoption process.

The agency we adopted both of our girls through is fabulous in the communication department. Now, this doesn’t mean someone has answered the phone every single time I have ever called and has told me exactly what I wanted to know right then, but when there is something big going on the agency always communicated with us to keep us “in the loop”.

The adoption process is nerve-wracking and is filled with lots of unknowns, but having an agency that kept us in the know really gave us a measure of serenity that was very much appreciated throughout the whole adoption process.

If you are interested in purchasing this book, you can click here to order. The book cost $12.95.

Enter the promo code ADOPT2012 and you will receive a special that includes the book, free shipping, a free DVD and CD, and more!!

If you are feeling a call to adopt, this book is an excellent tool to help you take that first step on your journey towards the child God has for you.

For the first time in almost five years, I have begun a year where baby making, infertility and the adoption process will NOT be on the forefront of my mind.

It is almost mind-boggling to think about because all three of those have been such a HUGE part of my life for the past five years.

2007…Dave and I had been engaged the previous October, our wedding date was set for May and (my plan) we hoped to be pregnant by Christmas. My mind was consumed with wedding and then, baby making.

2008…Quite possibly the worst year of my life to date. Nothing went the way I had always imagined it. Everything was one disappointment and failure after another. My mind was consumed with infertility.

2009…This year started out with the hugest disappointment of all, but ended with a miracle – our Little Bug! My mind was consumed with the adoption process.

2010…That year was beautiful. We had a beautiful daughter, but I knew our family wasn’t complete and we would go through the adoption process again, which brought on so many various emotions.

2011…Last year was an amazing year. It started kinda rough but then it was like God was asking me, Do you really trust me? and I knew I DID trust Him so I just had to let him do His thing for adoption #2. And He did. He did something more…again. A second miracle in as many years – Sweet Pea.

And now here I am at the very beginning of 2012. I don’t know what this year holds for us but I do know one thing: we are not trying to get pregnant, we are not doing any infertility treatments (ever again!) and we are not entering this year hoping to adopt.

In some strange way I feel like I am standing at a point in my life where infertility truly is completely in my past.

It is a chapter in the story of my life that has come to a close, but at the same time I know that what I learned from going through infertility will follow me all the days of my life for rest of my entire life.

And I am so glad about that because what I learned during the past five years and the way God grew my faith and stretched me in ways that really hurt when the stretching was going on – I DO NOT ever want to forget any of that.

I am who I am today because of infertility. It has left it’s mark on me – forever.

Yes, a mark and not a wound.

There was once a wound. It was a very ugly, painful wound. But, through the years God has healed that wound in only a way that He can.

He has restored me.

He never chose to bless my womb with life, but I can tell you today that God has blessed me in ways that I count it a huge privilege that He chose this path for me and not the path that I once desired for myself.

I never in a million years would have signed up for this standing at the altar with Dave on the day we were married.

I look at myself on that day and I am just astounded at where GOD took me after my Grandpa declared us husband and wife.

I was on top of the world. God had blessed me with the most wonderful man in the world to be my husband, my partner in life until death do us part and I could not wait for life to be growing inside of me.

Sometimes I think I was more excited about FINALLY being able to get pregnant than I was excited about finally getting married! (Don’t be alarmed. I love my husband, but that statement is just the best way I know to convey the message I am trying to say right now about how excited I was about pregnancy! My dreams were FINALLY going to come true!!!)

Then…

Oh, we humans are so humorous. We have everything planned out just so. Just perfect.

On my wedding day, I loved the Lord. I’ve always been a “good girl”. I never gave my parents any grief. I grew up in church. I knew my Bible. I knew truths about God. I knew that He had good plans for my life. I knew that as a Christian, I was to trust God. I trusted God.

My plans were not panning out the way I imagined they would. Something terribly was wrong. I could feel it in my bones. Something wasn’t right within. It shouldn’t be taking this long.

Instead of a growing belly I found myself growing more and more weary every month as my dream just wasn’t happening.

I was walking the road of infertility. My biggest fear in life was always that. Isn’t that crazy? While I grew up dreaming of the day I would learn I was pregnant, I also grew up fearing that I would never be able to give birth and have children.

Instead of my wildest dreams coming true, my worst nightmare became a reality.

Infertility became my life.

It came in like a lion seeking to destroy me. To destroy my faith. To destroy everything I had been taught growing up.

I saw infertility as the great enemy. My God saw my infertility as the tool He was using to chisel my character to be more like Him and to perform miracles for the world to see His Glory.

Infertility tested my faith like nothing in this life ever had.

Was I going to turn from God because He was not giving me the desire of MY heart or was I going to cling to Him as I never had before because everything I had ever known had been stripped away and I was left with circumstances that were completely and utterly out of my control?

I couldn’t make a baby get in my belly! I was helpless. The very core of my being was tested and I knew I had to choose SELF or GOD.

So I looked to see what each had to offer.

SELF? I had nothing to offer. My body was failing me, plagued with endometriosis that had all but rendered my reproductive organs useless.

So I looked to my Savior. The One I had grown up learning about in Sunday School. The One I had a relationship with since I was eight years old. The One I knew was a loving God. The One I said I trusted. The One I knew had a good plan for my life.

I knew all that, but standing there on the road of infertility marked with darkness and disappointments at every turn and every fork in the road, I KNEW it was time to believe it all – with my whole entire being.

It was time to believe that God DID have a plan for my life. It wasn’t pregnancy, which was pretty devastating to me, BUT, God’s word told me He had a plan to bring me HOPE, a plan to PROSPER ME, a plan to give me a FUTURE.

Not only that, but the Word of God told me that He desired to do something immeasurably MORE than I could even dream of.

What??! Really??!

Because I always thought getting married and having my four babies three years apart each, was a pretty big amazing dream!

God has more than that in mind?

It was time.

It was time to trust in my God in a way I had never been called to trust in Him before.

It was time to lay my dream to rest and wait in great expectation for the things that GOD wanted to do.

It was time to surrender my plan, for His.

I think back to those days, especially March 8, 2009 – the day I knew without a shadow of a doubt that pregnancy was not in God’s plan for my life, but adoption was.

It wasn’t so much that I was disappointed that we “had to adopt”. It was more of me still hanging onto my dream, if only by the smallest thread possible. In those first days, it was very hard to see why God wasn’t allowing me to achieve my childhood dream. Why He wasn’t answering our prayers in the way we thought He should answer them.

I had spent a lifetime dreaming about something that was never to be and I knew I wasn’t going to “get over it” in a matter of a couple days or even a couple months.

But what I did have to do was walk blindly towards the place God was leading.

And that was adoption.

If you’ve been reading here for long, you know the rest of the story so I will summarize it by simply quoting Scripture: God is able to do immeasurably more than we can imagine.

I have never been pregnant a day in my life, but I am a mother to two precious girls through the miracle of adoption and THAT was the something more that was God’s Plan for my life when I felt stranded and abandoned on the road of infertility.

This year, I feel like I have truly come to the end of that road.

I am a mother.

When I turn around and even take a small glimpse back onto the path that God has taken me on, I am truly astounded that this has been my life for the past five years. I am incredibly grateful to God that His Plan wasn’t my plan.

As I turn around and face the future, I sort of have those same feelings one would have when they are graduating high school and are about to enter the real world! You know life will never be the same. You know you are leaving one phase of life and entering another.

That is how I feel. I feel like I am leaving one phase of my life (infertility) and entering another.

More than anything in this world, I do not want to ever forget a moment of these past five years.

It is time to move forward. To truly move past infertility and head into the next phase of life – being a wife to my husband and mother to my children.

If I peel back the layers of what I have labeled as “my desire”, I can see that all along I just wanted to be a wife and mother. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be in life. Yes, I went to college and got a teaching degree and then taught for 4 years, but ultimately?

A mother. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be.

The journey to this place has been more than I ever could have imagined.

It’s the faithfulness of my God.

As a general rule, I don’t really look forward to the month of January for multiple reasons.

This is Dave’s busiest month of work in the year due to the nature of his job. He works very long hours, especially towards the end of January. It gives me a glimmer into what life might be like for single moms and those whose spouse is serving in the military on deployment.

I also tend to feel some sadness about the Christmas Season being over. I LOVE the holiday season. I tend to love every time of year though for it’s different reasons. January is sometimes hard to love.

This January I have something really AWESOME to look forward to!!!

Rebecca’s family will be coming to town for Levi’s adoption finalization on January 27th!!

Her family will arrive on the 26th (17 days!!!) and spend the weekend with my parents. Since it is the end of January and Dave will most likely be working late during that time, I am packing up my girls and myself and we are going to go stay the weekend at my parents’ house too!

Rebecca has invited me to attend Levi’s adoption finalization which I am just thrilled about.

I cannot wait to see this precious baby boy officially become a part of their family forever!

There are two women in this world that are never far from my mind.

One of which I have not ever met.

These women are the ones God created two little lives in, the ones where my daughter’s spent their first 8-9 months of life, the women who share DNA with my daughters.

My daughters’ birth mothers.

Sometimes it is crazy to me to think about the fact that my two girls have another woman out there who is their biological mother.

It is not something that threatens me at all.

I am confident in my role as their mother and there is no doubt in my mind that both of my girls know who their Mommy is.

But, there are two women in this world who are biologically connected to my daughters.

The love I have for these two women is really very hard to adequately describe with written words.

I guess the easiest way to explain is to say that when people imply that once the TPR is signed that I will never want to have contact with these women again…nothing could be further from the truth.

At the same time, I do not wish to be best friends with these women, either, because given their circumstances, this would not be in the best interest of my daughters.

There is a fine line.

While I do not have an on-going relationship with either woman, I think about them both and pray for them both pretty often.

They will both always hold a very special place in my heart and they both know this.

I do wonder about the future. I wonder if my daughters will have the desire to meet their birth mothers when they are young adults.

I would welcome that and support my girls fully if they ever chose to initiate meeting their birth mothers.

I will never forget how God turned a situation that was very difficult into something that was very beautiful by allowing both of these women to choose adoption for their baby girls.

I connect with these women because, especially when I met Little Bug’s birth mother, I was a woman who was hurting for the complete opposite reason that Tracy was hurting.

I greatly desired to have life growing inside of me while Tracy was panicked when she found out she was pregnant.

Tracy could not parent Little Bug for multiple reasons and she chose adoption, which gave me something my body could not give.

I am forever connected to these women because my daughters are forever connected to them, too.

While they do not play an active role in their lives at this time, they both will forever be remembered for what they gave our family.

And because of that, they will forever be in my heart.

Would you say a prayer for them (Tracy & Melody) with me this Christmas Season?

Dear Little Bug,

For years now, I have written this blog that tells the tale of your Mommy and Daddy’s journey down a long, dark road that eventually lead us to…you! As I write on here, it is always in the back of my mind that one day you are going to be all grown up and will hopefully desire to read all of this from the beginning because this is your story, your journey, too.

I have never actually written to you on my blog so here goes my first letter to you.

As I write this, you are 2.5 years old and everything I imagined a daughter would be and more. I can vividly remember the strong desire in my heart for God to put a baby in my womb. I wanted to experience seeing those two pink lines indicating life was growing inside of me. I wanted to feel your kicks and see you roll around in my belly.

But, Little Bug, if you had grown in my womb, you wouldn’t be the little girl you are today. To be who you are today, you had to grow in Tracy’s womb.

At 2.5 years old, all you understand of this is that you “used to be in Tracy’s tummy”. When I think of that revelation, it sometimes stops me in my tracks as I think that you were not born unto me. You were born unto another woman, but then as only God could do, He put you in our family.

One day, when you are older, I know you are going to want to know everything there is to know about Tracy. And I do mean everything because you are one very curious little girl. You have been curious about your world since you first realized there was more to life than your bottle.

When that time comes I will share everything there is to know with you.

God gave your Mommy six weeks with your birth mother before your birth and while those six weeks were a tad stressful (okay, a lot stressful), I would not trade having that time with your birth mother for anything in the world.

I wanted to have that time with the woman who was placing her precious baby with me. I wanted to know who she was as a person. I wanted to know her likes and dislikes, her preferences. And I wanted her to know how special she was (and is) to me.

I recorded everything in my notebooks, Little Bug, with the intent that maybe one day you would want to go back and read about those days when you were in Tracy’s tummy and Mommy would go to doctor’s appointments with Tracy and get to hear your heartbeat.

Little Bug, I will never forget that sound. Tracy and I were at the doctor’s office. Tracy was laying on the examination table. The tech came in with the doppler and put it to Tracy’s belly and suddenly the most beautiful sound ever filled the entire room….your heartbeat!! I remember I was just all smiles, grinning from ear to ear at the sound of that strong heartbeat in Tracy’s belly.

Then another time, during one of Tracy’s false alarms of labor, I sat with her at the emergency room as she lay on the bed. Through her discomfort, she grinned at me and had that smile on her face when she knew she was about to make my day. She said, “She’s moving around A LOT. You can feel her if you want.”

I know it didn’t take me but half a second to have my hand on her belly and a couple seconds later, I felt your little kick.

Your birth mother may have caused your Mommy a lot of stress during those six weeks for various reasons, but Little Bug, there was a special bond between the two of us that I can’t really put into words. Tracy was so good about including me in the whole “pregnancy and birthing” process. She gave me moments with you (like hearing your heartbeat, feeling you kick and seeing you enter this world) that she could have just kept to herself.

I kinda got off topic about where I was going with the notebooks, so…

I have all these notebooks for you, Little Bug. One day when you start asking questions I will answer anything you ask. When you reach an age where you can handle all the details I know your little brain is going to crave, I will hand over my notebooks to you for your reading pleasure.

Of course, I realize that you may not want to read these notebooks or this blog, and that is perfectly okay, too. The point is, I don’t ever want you wondering who?, when?, where?, why? or how? The answers, should your little heart desire them, are all here for you at your fingertips, if you wish.

Baby girl, I pray one thing you do realize is what a miracle you are. The Bible tells us that our days are written by God before even one of them takes place. God knew His plan for you even before Mommy and Tracy were born! He knew he would make Mommy barren. He knew He would place you in Tracy’s womb and He knew Tracy would place you with Mommy and Daddy. He orchestrated it all.

You are one very special girl. In fact, that is what I tell you now. That yes, you used to be in Tracy’s tummy because…you are a very special little girl.

That is all you need to know now at the tender age of two and a half. That you are special. As you are get older, we can start to delve into everything, if you wish.

I pray, my little baby girl, you see the miracle that you are and the faithfulness of our God upon your life even before you took your first breath.

I love you,

Mommy

Saturday, Tater and his Mommy and Daddy came over to hang out with us!! Tater moved away this summer and we had not seen him since he moved. Little Bug was so excited when I told her “Baby Tater” was coming over! She still calls him “Baby Tater” even though there is nothing “baby” left in him!

Tater and Little Bug would both live outside if we’d let them so it is no surprise that they wanted to to play outside as soon as Tater arrived!

Tater loves to mow and he didn’t mind one bit that Little Bug’s mower is pink!

These two attempted to play in the dirt but we kept redirecting them since neither was dressed in “dirt play” clothes. Gotta be in white clothes for dirt play here!

They decided sliding and playing with balls was fun, too!

Then Little Miss Sweet Pea woke up and she finally got to meet Jennifer – who God used to connect us to Sweet Pea via a text message on March 8th.

Tater meets Sweet Pea

Tater is such an awesome kid. Dave (his Daddy) told them to make a silly face for this picture. So, Tater stuck one finger in his mouth and then was trying to stick the other finger in Little Bug’s mouth!

Before we met, Jennifer had been reading my blog for who knows how long without knowing she lived in the same city as me! Another adoption buddy named Kellie gave me the link to Jennifer’s blog soon after Tater was born. When I started seeing pictures of Tater in the NICU, I recognized those blue chairs right away and just knew she had to be at the same hospital that we had been at with Little Bug! So I sent Jennifer a message and, sure enough, I found out Tater was in the same NICU unit Little Bug had been in! I went up to the hospital where I met Jennifer and baby Tater. And that was the start of our friendship.

Little did we know at that time, but it would be Jennifer who would send me the text on March 8th asking if I was interested in an adoption situation that her lawyer had. That “adoption situation” turned out to be my Sweet Pea AND also connected me to another one of my dearest adoption buddies, Rebecca!

It is just crazy to me how at the same time God was orchestrating all these adoptions, He was also orchestrating friendships that will last a lifetime!

I knew adoption would eventually make me a mother, but I had no clue that adoption was also going to bring into my life so many new friendships! Just as I cherish the friendships I’ve had for many decades, I cherish these new friendships. My “adoption buddies” are very dear to my heart and I am glad that my daughters will grow up knowing other children who are also adoption miracles.

Sweet Pea wore the same outfit her Big Sister wore for her “Adoption Day”! It was almost too small for Sweet Pea, but I really wanted her to wear it!

Bottle before we headed in to the Judge’s Chambers

Waiting to go see the Judge

Walking down to the Judge’s Chambers

Minutes away from making Sweet Pea officially ours!

Promising to tell the truth and nothing but the truth!

The Judge signing the Adoption Decree! After he signed he told us adoptions are his favorite because he loves seeing families come together. The only thing he asked was that we not put his picture on the internet or Facebook.

Sweet Pea has been our little baby girl since we first laid eyes on her, but today, in the court of law, Sweet Pea was recognized as our daughter as if she had been born unto us.

This always reminds me of my adoption into the family of God. I was born a sinner, but, in God’s great love and mercy for me, He has taken me in and adopted me to be His heir.

Sweet Pea is now officially and legally our heir, along with her big sister, Little Bug.

“Adoption Day” is a special day. It is the culmination of God’s miracle that has brought our lives together with Sweet Pea, and her birth mother, Melody, forever. It is a time to remember and reflect on our journey to #2.

Today we remember that God is a God who has plans for our lives that are bigger than we can imagine.

Today we remember that God is in control as He so clearly demonstrated during the events of our journey to #2.

Today we remember God’s faithfulness once again because it is through Him this day was possible.

To God be the Glory, great things He has done … again!

Little Bug’s “Adoption Day” on September 1, 2009

Officially our Sweet Pea!

I’m so thankful God saw fit to add this precious baby girl to our family exactly when He did.

Once again, had God been playing by my plan, this baby girl wouldn’t be ours.

Tomorrow we go before a judge who will proclaim Sweet Pea to be ours forever!!

Tomorrow is Sweet Pea’s Adoption Day!!