Just Be Still

I keep a personal journal that I write in. I started writing in journals when I was 15 years old and I haven’t stopped.

Some of the things I write in my journals make it to the blog, but many things that I write stay right there in my journal.

I’ve decided I want to share some of the things I wrote during the time period of March 8th (when we first learned of this baby) until the time we were matched with this baby in May because God did such a tremendous work in my life during that time and I feel I can’t be quiet about it!

Today I share with you something I wrote in my journal on February 23rd, just two weeks before we learned of this baby:

It’s another time period where I need to be still and just know that God is GOD.

Just be still and know that God has a plan.

Just be still and know God will give me the strength for whatever is to come.

Just be still and know His Plan is beautiful.

Just be still and know I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Just be still…

Instead of setting my mind on worry, I must set my mind on great expectations, because I know God is going to do something big again…for His glory.

I wrote this in reference to the drama we had just been through with Little Bug’s birth mother claiming she was pregnant, but then finding out after six weeks that she had either never been pregnant or miscarried and was not telling us. I wrote that in my journal three weeks after learning the truth.

While I was greatly relieved that we did not have to endure Tracy’s drama for six more months, I was anxious about the prospects of starting the adoption process again in the summer. There were so many unknowns and thinking about it all was just very overwhelming.

But, as always, God had a plan and it was bigger, and better, than anything rolling around in my mind that day.

Just thirteen days later, God started working the miracle He had planned all along…for His glory.

National Infertility Awareness Week: Thoughts from an Infertility Survivor

I consider myself an “Infertility Survivor”. I know some people claim they will “always be an infertile”. I just don’t think that way.

Sure, physically, I will always be infertile. My rotten eggs are not going to suddenly become viable and produce a pregnancy.

Emotionally, I am no longer “infertile”. Infertility does not affect my every day life anymore, even though, technically, we are “trying to conceive #2”. However, there was absolutely no consideration from me to even attempt to go back to infertility treatments this time around.

My heart is completely, wholly, 100% set on adoption.

Infertility is a thing of the past, a season of my life that has come, and now has gone. And while infertility is no longer a part of my everyday life, infertility has certainly left a permanent imprint on my heart and molded me into the woman I am today.

And I am forever grateful.

This morning as I was writing in my journal, I decided that this is something I needed to publish. So here it is: (I pray it brings encouragement to those of you reading this who are affected everyday by infertility – or whatever other trial God may have placed in your life).

My heart is just filled with excitement. Excitement for the miracle God is going to perform…again!

I love being infertile because it has stretched my faith to the point where I can honestly look into a future filled with tons of unknowns and be completely at peace because I know God is working, even at this very moment, and is ready to allow something as horrible and ugly as my infertility to proclaim to the world, once again, that God is faithful through it all.

As I look back on this journey, which began almost four years ago, I can see that every failed cycle, every disappointment and every dream that was shattered was used in a way only God could orchestrate so that HE would receive glory and I would become the woman I am today.

As painful as this journey has been for me, I wouldn’t choose any other path. On the day I was born God knew my body would never procreate. He also knew He had something more planned for me instead.

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As we have officially begun our journey to #2 I just stand in great expectation of what God is going to do next.

I know it will be nothing short of another miracle.

And that is just exciting to think about.

And here we go…on our journey to #2

It’s already a totally different journey than the journey that took us to Little Bug.

We aren’t trying to swim up to the surface and catch our breath from infertility treatments and we haven’t been told there is a baby already waiting for us.

This time, we will have some waiting to do.

I have no idea just how long we will have to wait before we are matched, which is why I want to write down some things swarming in my heart right now before the truth that I am about to write about gets clouded through my human perspective.

Which is bound to happen at some point in this journey because, well, I am human.

I don’t want to allow myself to get hung up on the “wait time”. I don’t want one of those “Waiting Tickers” on the side of my blog that keeps track of every single day we are waiting to be matched.

I want to, as much as humanly possible, keep my perspective in line with God’s perspective and, to God, time is of no essence.

He already knows who our next birth mother will be. He already knows the day and the specific hour that we will receive a phone call saying we have been chosen to parent her child.

He already knows this child. He knows whether this child has already been conceived, or not.

He already knows whether we will welcome a baby boy into our home, or another little girl.

He already knows … everything. Every single detail, big and small, is already written out in His Master Plan. He has told me in His word that His plans for my life are good, will prosper me and will bring me hope and a future.

And quite frankly, I am sick and tired of acting like I have any say so in the matter!

I am sick and tired of worrying and fretting over details I have absolutely no control of whatsoever.

I wish I could say that I will walk this journey to #2 completely free of worry, doubt and fear of the unknown.

But I know it will creep in because Satan hates it when I put my complete trust in God.

However, I am bound and determine, through the strength of God’s PEACE within me, to not allow the worry, doubt and fear to consume me as I walk this road.

The fact of the matter here is that God’s got this … and I just gotta roll with it, knowing when things seem a little (or a lot) out of control, God’s still got this.

I don’t want to worry about time, birth mothers and failed adoptions because I really have no control whatsoever over any of those matters.

So, here we go. We’ve already put our name with one lawyer. We are talking to many different avenues and then will make a decision about what other avenues we want to put our name with very soon.

We’ve kept our home study up to date, knowing we wanted to adoption again after Little Bug’s second birthday.

Once we finish our research and make final decisions on who we want to work with, it will be time to wait.

And time to roll.

And time to rebuke Satan’s attacks.

And time to rest in the peace that God’s got this.