peace

It is interesting how ordinary events can start something that is life-changing.

It is hard to believe we are coming up on the one year anniversary of Jennifer’s text to me on March 8th of last year asking if we were interested in an adoption situation through her lawyer.

That night, March 8th, was as ordinary as it could possibly be.

Dinner at my parent’s house. Drive home. Bathe Little Bug. Tuck her in for the night.

Receive a text from Jennifer.

Nothing out of the ordinary, but that night was the very night our journey to Sweet Pea began.

And at the time, we had no idea what was ahead.

From that very night until nearly five months later when TPR was signed and I held Sweet Pea for the very first time, God used that time to teach me something I knew in my head at the time, but something that He was now calling me to live by: The simple truth that He is in control of all things.

He brought me to circumstances where my hands were tied. I had no control over anything and God used that to teach me utter dependence on Him.

I’ve been going back in my journals, reading things I wrote during those five months. I am going to share something I wrote five days after the text message that started it all:

March 13, 2011

What a wild, crazy three months it has been! It was three months ago today that we got he call about Tracy being pregnant. And now here we are about to turn in our profile to see if this baby in June is our baby.

I like thinking about it that way. It’s totally in the capable Hands of God. If this is our baby God will bring him/her home to us.

If you really think about it, being in this place is such a peaceful place to be! I don’t have to do anything – besides continue to live my life for God’s glory – because God’s plan will prevail. I don’t have worry if she will pick us because if this is our baby, she will pick us. God is in control. He has our best interest in mind. His plan for bringing another baby to us is already written. He will carry out His plans as we walk in obedience with Him.

I think that is what stands out to me the most about this time.

It really was a peaceful place to be.

Of course there were moments of panic and worry, but overall, God was impressing upon my heart the simple truth that He was in control and nothing I did or didn’t do would change the outcome of being chosen, or not.

All I could do was wait and rest in the knowledge that God already had a plan in place for growing our family from three to four.

FAITH

It’s a walk of faith.

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Every step of the way.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. Psalm 20:7

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. Psalm 33: 20-21

A friend wrote this on my facebook wall:

He (satan) may be ‘like’ a prowling lion, but he’s really just a mouse with a microphone. God’s got your back!

GOD IS IN CONTROL!

 

39w1d: Prowling Lion

There is a verse in the Bible about Satan being like a prowling lion, seeking to kill, steal and destroy. I can feel Satan prowling around my heart right now…making me feel anxious and uptight, making me impatient with Little Bug, trying to steal my time so I do not take time to get with the Lord and gain what I need to walk through these days.

Yes, the spiritual warfare is as thick as molasses right now. Satan does not want me to trust God. Satan wants me to worry.

Satan wants me to feel restless, like I did last night, instead of being wrapped in a blanket of peace from God.

I hate these days of adoption!! If I could fast-forward to the end, I would. But I must live every second from here to the day we find out this baby is ours. And sometimes those seconds seem like an hour and time seems to not be moving forward but to be standing still.

It is during these days I am reminded that my babies don’t come into this world the “normal” way. There isn’t excitement in the days leading up to the birth as I anticipate the arrival of my baby because Sweet Pea is not my baby yet. I pray she is but before she can be, TPR must be signed.

The only thing I can manage is living one day at a time and sometimes, one minute at a time. Sometimes the anxiety gets to me and I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up when all this is behind me.

But this is the road God has called me to walk and I want to be found faithful.

Words cannot express how much your prayers mean to me. More than anything right now, the comments on the blog, an email or a text that just says, “I’m praying for you.” mean the world to me! THANK YOU!!

Sweet Pea should be here any day now. When you pray for Melody and Sweet Pea please pray for a safe delivery, healthy baby and peace. When you pray for me, please pray that I will keep my eyes on the LORD though all this and not allow Satan to derail me and destroy my faith.

Spiritual warfare is no fun, especially when you are right smack in the middle of it.

I am glad I already know Who wins.

This week is about God’s glory and the victory is His.

I must keep trusting God, knowing He is in control and He’s got this.

38w6d

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4: 7-8

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippines 4:13

I am ready physically, emotionally and spiritually for the week ahead.

Please pray God’s Will be done as this week unfolds.

I do plan to keep you informed through the blog.

To God be the Glory!!

27 hours left…

… for Sweet Pea to be a July baby!

I really thought Sweet Pea was going to be a July baby!

But every day it is looking more and more like she is going to be an August baby!

This time I do not feel that crazy anxiety I felt waiting for Little Bug’s birth.

I am certainly very excited to see Sweet Pea’s little face but the anxiety is just NOT there! It is really amazing!

I’ve left it in the hands of God, knowing He’s got it all under control.

Sweet Peace … waiting for Sweet Pea!

38w4d

Sweet Pea has flipped and is now breech.

Doctor told Melody she will be delivered via c-section next week, unless, of course, she goes into labor before then.

Doctor told Melody to stay off her feet.

Will Sweet Pea be a July or August baby?

Only three more days to be a July baby.

PLEASE step up the prayers as we enter next week.

I am at a totally different place than I was waiting for Little Bug’s birth.

I am certainly ready for this happen, but this time around, I know (in a way I did not before) that GOD IS IN CONTROL, not me.

There is such rest and peace in this place.

37w6d

Tomorrow is 38 weeks!

Little Bug went grocery shopping yesterday with her daddy and I stayed home to give the house a good cleaning.

There is nothing left on my to-do list.

The clock is ticking loudly.

Please pray for Melody as this birth is drawing near. Pray for a healthy baby.

And pray for me as I wait and continue to walk in faith.

Thank you for the comments, emails and messages saying you are praying. It means the world to know you are praying.

My life is about to change.

My life is about to change.

I will be the mother to two little girls. Just allowing myself to type that is a step of faith because I keep myself so guarded during the adoption process, that I don’t really even allow myself to think about what will be. I live in the present, taking one day at a time.

But on this morning, God woke me up (on my sleep in morning when I should be sleeping until Dave and Little Bug come in here to wake me up!) so I figured He must have something to tell me. So I grabbed my journal and started writing and this is what God laid on my heart:

To think of where I was just three years ago…we were starting infertility treatments, had just done our first IUI and August 4th, 2008 was blood test day.

There was so much HOPE that finally my dream was going to come true.

Finally, I would see those TWO pink lines, and the pain of all the months that had passed with no pregnancy suddenly wouldn’t matter as I looked at that pregnancy test and realized I was finally pregnant.

But August 4th came and we went to the clinic for my blood draw, came back home and began the wait until my cell phone would ring giving us news that our dream had come true.

That day we had planned to work on a project outside. We replaced all the wood mulch with red lava rocks in the front flower bed. I knew I needed a distractor as we waited for the phone to ring.

We had finished the project and we were inside when the phone call finally came.

I answered immediately shaking and holding my breath to hear the words my nurse, Holly, had to tell me.

I’m sorry, you are not pregnant, is NOT what I wanted to hear that day, but those are the words that came out of her mouth.

As soon as I hung up, I started crying. It wasn’t the trickle-of-tears-running-slowly-down-my-face kind of crying. It was uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs. Screams of why? and a feeling as though the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders.

One of the lowest points of my journey through infertility, for sure.

But GOD had a plan! Even as I sobbed uncontrollably and screamed at God asking why He couldn’t have just let it work, God had a plan.

In a way only God would orchestrate, He picked up the pieces of my broken heart that day and became my Strength as I pressed on to what was next.

God used August 4th and all the months that were still ahead and full of more disappointments and heartbreak to grow my faith in Him and teach me about His Plan being absolutely perfect and bigger and better than my wildest dreams.

Almost three years to the day of August 4th, 2008, I stand in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in and through my life.

If my life doesn’t proclaim the truth of Jeremiah 29:11, I don’t know what does.

If my life doesn’t proclaim that GOD IS FAITHFUL THROUGH IT ALL, I don’t know what does.

And so in these final days/weeks of our journey to #2, I press on, walking in faith.