My heart breaks for J and her husband, G. They will not be bringing that baby girl home as their daughter. A has decided to parent her child.

Back in July I wrote a post pleading for people to pray that God would intervene and save the life of a man named Bryan who had been hit by a car and was on life support.

J’s adoption fell through and Bryan died leaving a wife and two young sons.

You can’t help but ask why in situations like these.

J has waited 5 years to become a mother. In a 2-week time span J received the call from the adoption agency that there was a birth mom interested in her profile. J meets the birth mom, they are matched, J prepares for the birth of her daughter and goes to the hospital to meet her daughter on the day of her birth.

And then, A chooses to parent her daughter.

Why did she even have to go through those 2 weeks only to have her heart crushed?

Bryan was living His life for Christ. Seriously, this man was not like anyone you have ever met before. He literally shared Jesus with everyone he came in contact with. He did not wear a watch because he lived on “Jesus Time” and did not want to miss out on an opportunity to share Christ with someone because he was going to be late to somewhere else!

Why would God take someone like that? Doesn’t the world need people like that in it?

I cannot answer those questions however there are several verses in the Bible that can answer those questions for us.

The first one being found in Isaiah 55:8-9:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

As humans, our thinking is limited. Our way of reasoning things out is not the way God thinks. I like the part of this verse that says, “… so are my ways higher than your ways…”

Our God is a BIG God! God’s ways (God Plan) are bigger and better than the way we would have it!

If you’ve been following my blog for long you know that God taught me this truth as I walked the road of infertility.

I prayed and prayed and prayed some more that God would PLEASE allow me to get pregnant. Many of you prayed right along with me.

God said no.

Why?

Because He had something bigger, something better.

When we find ourselves in a situation where God says no, it is imperative to cling to this verse which gives us incredible hope despite bleak circumstances:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

What more could we ask for??

God has a plan for J, but not only does He have plan for J but His plan will prosper her, will not harm her and His plan gives her hope and a future!

What does that mean now for her?

When I left RE’s office with the devastating news that my ovaries are essentially rotten I had to cling to Jeremiah 29:11. I didn’t know God’s Plan at that time. I had to surrender my desires and press on, trusting God to reveal His Plan in His Time. Until then, you just have to keep plugging along with each and every day, knowing God is at work even when there is no evidence that He is doing anything.

God has said no, so that can mean only one thing:

He’s got something bigger and something better planned!

Although I consider my infertility days behind me, I am still an infertile and always will be. While I am not childless and am not going through infertility treatments at the moment (or ever again, for that matter!), infertility is always something that will go with me wherever I go in life.

And perhaps there will always be situations where I will ask God, “Why her and not me?” Like just yesterday when Dave, Little Bug and I were out for a walk in the neighborhood.

We live in a quiet neighborhood. The only noise comes from the house in the far corner. We call that the “Party House”. The garage of “Party House” has been made into a pool hall/TV room complete with a huge big screen TV, beer refrigerator, surround sound (You know, so the whole entire neighborhood can hear the game that is on. Thanks!?) and comfy couches.

The owner of this house lives there with his live-in girlfriend who we refer to as “The Harlot”. Harlot has this little dog whom she allows to roam the neighborhood and dig up people’s freshly planted flowers. (I know, because this dog came into our yard not half an hour after I had planted beautiful lilies in the front flower bed. I had gone inside and was sitting in the office which has a window that looks out into this flower bed and the front yard. And what did I see? Yes, that pesky little dog was in the flower bed digging up ALL the flowers I had just planted.)

A few months ago Harlot and her dog no longer seemed to be at the “Party House”. We figured they had broken up. But then, over the past couple of weeks or so, we noticed they were back.

Well, on our walk yesterday we think we figured out what just might have happened…

As we were walking down the street from our house towards the “Party House” we noticed this woman walking down the street. I noticed her rounding belly right away and turned to Dave and said, “Is that the Harlot?” He said, “I think so.” We smiled and waved as we walked by her and then after we passed her I turned to Dave again and asked, “Is she pregnant???”

She is most definitely about 4 or 5 months pregnant.

We walked a little further and then said, “Hmm. Guess that’s why she disappeared for a while. Guess they worked things out after the shock of a baby on the way.”

Why her?

Here is where I have to make the choice I talked about in one of my Q&A posts.

I can choose to continue asking why and focus on the unfairness of an unmarried couple not desiring to conceive be able to conceive by having sex, like normal people do.

Or I can look at the big picture here.

Sure it would be nice to be able to decide that I want to have a baby and try a couple months and then actually be pregnant minus all the heartache and disappointment that comes along with infertility.

It would be nice to know another huge chunk of money does not stand between us and our second child. It would be nice to know that around the time Little Bug turned two, we could start trying for #2 and he or she would arrive around Little Bug’s 3rd birthday.

That would all be nice. But it is just not the path God has called us too.

Instead, He has called us to live in surrender to our own desires for His. And He has required us to completely put our faith and trust in Him when we even consider thinking about adding to our family one day. I think God draws people to Himself by requiring this kind of surrender and trust in a certain area of life – for us, it is our fertility and the lack of it.

For when we are weak, it is then that we are strong in Him.

Would I choose to be fertile now?

No.

As much as I hate my infertility, I love it because through my weaknesses God has taken it all and created something beautiful.

He showed me what it really means to walk by faith daily. To really put your complete trust in Him because you literally had no other options. That is a very humbling, scary and exciting place to be – all at the same time.

It is something to know God is taking the ugly circumstances of your life and is making a beautiful masterpiece for the world to see.

God did that. He took my infertility and performed The Miracle of Little Bug while the world looked on (via this blog).

As time moves forward I know one day I’ll be back at square one. I’ll be longing for another child and wondering how in the world it will happen, given the circumstances.

But then I’ll put my faith in the Lord and trust Him once again for another miracle.

Infertility goes with me every step of the way from here on out, but so does the awesome power of my God.

I was recently asked a tough question by an anonymous reader of my blog:

How does your heart release that desire to have a biological child you have carried in your womb?

The desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth has been with me since I was a little girl. I played with baby dolls probably well past the appropriate time to pack the baby dolls away in the attic. I can remember constantly stuffing a ball or anything that would make me look “pregnant” up my shirt as I played.

I spent many nights dreaming of the day I would learn that new life was growing in my womb. I imagined what it would be like to give birth with my husband by my side.

I can remember daydreaming in my bedroom as a girl about my future babies. I wanted to give birth to four children two to three years apart. I wanted to have two girls and two boys.

When Dave and I married, having a baby was top on our priority list. When we first started trying to conceive, I could not wait to know that a human being that was half me and half the man I loved was growing in my body. Having always marveled at the miracle of pregnancy, I knew giving birth to a baby would be the most incredible experience of my life.

And then all my hopes and dreams of pregnancy and childbirth met infertility and I learned from a medical viewpoint my body was incapable of achieving pregnancy.

I have often wondered why God would put the desire for pregnancy into every fiber of my being just to not ever allow me to experience the miracle of pregnancy.

March 8, 2009, was the day I realized my dream of pregnancy wasn’t going to happen.

I can only describe that day as a death of a lifelong dream. There was a time of mourning.

I had to mourn never seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test.

I had to mourn not being able to tell family and friends we are pregnant.

I had to mourn never being able to feel life growing in my womb.

I had to mourn my husband never putting his hand on my belly to feel his baby kick.

I had to mourn I’d never parent a child that was half me and half Dave.

And then, I had to move forward.

With a strength that can only come from the Lord, I had to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and determine to put my faith and hope in the Lord.

I had to believe that God had plans for my life that would prosper me and bring me hope and a future. I had to believe in the character of God – that He is good, that He is faithful, that He is loving and that somewhere in the muck of this dream’s death was something more that God had planned that was far bigger and far better than my heart’s desire.

I had to believe that if God’s plan for me was not to experience pregnancy, He had some other miracle awaiting me.

On May 27, 2009, my daughter was born. I never felt her kick inside my body and she is not half me and half Dave. I did not give birth to her.

And I wouldn’t change a thing. Not one single thing.

God’s Plan is perfect, leaving no room for error.

As for my desire for pregnancy?

I’d be lying if I said it was gone. But instead of a raging flaming fire it is just a very tiny flame that resides in the pit of my heart.

Acceptance has dulled the flame over time.

I could drive myself batty if I was still earnestly seeking pregnancy when God was saying no.

I don’t know if there will ever be a day where I won’t look at a pregnant belly and think about what I never got to experience.

But this I know. Until the day I die I will look at my Little Bug and know she is the miracle God had planned for me.

Little Bug was God’s Plan for my life even back in the days I would pretend I was “pregnant” with my baby dolls.

I am forever grateful that God (and Josh and Angele!) allowed me the privilege of being right there for the entire labor and delivery process of Lilianna. Standing on the sidelines witnessing Lilianna’s birth was the closure my heart was seeking.

Peace also comes knowing God is not limited by infertility. If He wills a pregnancy for me in the future nothing will stand in His way. But at the same time, if I die never having experienced pregnancy, all is well with my soul.

I have never experienced the miracle of pregnancy but I have experienced the miracle of Little Bug.

My heart is content and my cup overflows with the goodness and faithfulness of my Savior.

I am lacking nothing.

Today is Mother’s Day. Today my mind is focused on the many women who are walking the road of infertility.

Today their minds are filled with …

Why am I still walking this road?

When will I ever get to experience the joy of motherhood?

Will I ever become a mother?

What is the purpose behind all this pain and heartache?

Why are people who “aren’t trying” pregnant and here I am longing for a child for years and still with empty arms?

Why after everything we went through to achieve pregnancy did we miscarry?

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

If I had a penny for every time I have asked “Why?” we could have paid in full for our IVF cycle up front!

When you are drowning the sea of infertility and forced to live through days like today, the pain and heartache is enough to make you feel as though you are suffocating and you won’t be able to take in your next breath.

It hurts. It cuts us to the very core of who we are. On days like today, we want to curl up in a little ball in a cave and hibernate until the sun goes down and all the “Mother’s Day” festivities are over.

I know nothing I can type onto the screen of my computer at this very moment can take away the pain people feel today.

But I would like to say a little something.

If you are a child of God He has a plan and you must trust Him with it. You must believe God will not leave you where you are today.

Things may not turn out the way you think they should or even the way you are praying they turn out.

I am living proof of that!

God had HIS PLAN all along and Little Bug was it. Adoption was certainly never my plan but I am living the miracle of adoption and I wouldn’t change a thing … not a thing.

I want to challenge you to do something today.

There are times (like today) when we need to curl up in a ball and hibernate as we cry and scream out in our anguish.

But then we must pick ourselves up off the floor and press on.

After giving yourself time to mourn today, meditate on God’s Promises found in Jeremiah 29:11 and Ephesians 3:20.

“For I know the plans I have you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   Jeremiah 29:11

Glory be to God who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we could ever dare to ask or even dream of.        Ephesians 3:20

Allow those promises to seep into your heart as you read. In my journey, I have found that it is these two verses that act as a soothing balm to surround my wounded hurting heart. Take these verses today and bind them to your heart. Claim those promises.

Trusting God isn’t as hard as waiting on God. It’s the waiting that is so incredibly hard.

But realize you are waiting on something that is better than you can imagine today.

You are waiting on something more and if you are a Child of God and your trust is in Him, your something more is coming. 

I placed a white rose on the table to represent Little Bug because to me white symbolizes redemption and only our God could take something as ugly as infertility and make something beautiful come out of it.

Even in the midst of today’s pain, believe that God’s something more for you is coming.

Beth, my blogger friend, went in for her 9-week ultrasound on Tuesday.

The baby had stopped growing 2-3 weeks ago and there was no heartbeat.

My heart breaks for her as she went through 18 months of infertility, finally conceived and now this has happened. And as if this wasn’t enough, she and her family are in the process of moving to Savannah this week.

My mind has been consumed with the news ever since I read her blog this evening. I want so bad to do something to ease her pain. I can only imagine her heart and mind are filled with sadness, pain, loss, devastation and anger. Another dream … gone.

And then I remembered the peace I felt on the day I learned my third IUI had failed. I know it was because a multitude of people bathed me in prayer that day.

So I am asking you to pray again.

Please bathe Beth and her husband, Jon, in prayer. Pray God’s peace – a peace that transcends all understanding – will invade their hearts and push out all the tormenting emotions they must feel.

You can read her blog about the ultrasound here and also leave a comment letting her know you are praying.

I think I’ve been walking around in disbelief that what happened even happened. Sure I’ve been sad but I can’t allow myself to wallow in self-pity. However, I can’t help but continue to ask, “What was the purpose behind all that?”

Maybe, one day, God will clue me in.

Life does go on and I’ve even been able to find some humor in it and laugh about the whole ordeal.

Tomorrow’s a big day.

I meet with Dr. L at 9:00am to discuss this past crazy cycle and to talk about what’s next.

What’s next is scary for various reasons. But it is God who has brought us to this place. He could have chosen to allow the scenario of the past few days to end with finding out I was indeed pregnant after all. But, He did not. And so we move on from there with Him as our guide for whatever is next.

Be strong and courageous for the Lord your God will go with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Please pray:

1. Wisdom for Dr. L has he explains this last cycle and decides the best next step for us.

2. Discernment and peace from God for Dave and me to know where to go next.

First, I must preface this post with this statement:

I am not pregnant.

I know you already know that – but you will understand why I had to say that by the time you finish reading this post.

I’ve compared this journey to a roller coaster ride of many ups and downs. What I am about to say is … (I can’t come up with a word that adequately describes.)

You know what happened Wednesday. (Blood work day. Veins wouldn’t cooperate so they give me a urine pregnancy test, which was negative.)

They gave me orders to go get blood work done at Quest later on in the same day. I said, “I won’t go be poked again. I’ll just go home and wait for the period. If it doesn’t come, then I’ll go.”

So Wednesday comes and goes. No period.

Thursday. Still nothing.

Friday. I’m officially late.

Anyone going through this knows that even when there is a glimmer of hope that you may possibly be pregnant, you still remain guarded until you know for sure.

But by Friday I was allowing myself to think things like:

Is this the beautiful masterpiece that God had planned all along? That I would get negative results and days later test positive and actually have been pregnant all along?

I couldn’t help but imagine being able to surprise people with the news that I was pregnant! One of the biggest disappointments for me in fertility treatments is that there is no way to surprise people with the news of pregnancy. Unless, of course, you choose to keep the procedures quiet and not even tell people you are going through them. To me, that isn’t an option. The prayer support is a necessity when you are going through something like this.

Friday, while I was with the twins, I called T and told her here it was Friday and I had still not started. She told me to come in Saturday morning and she would do a blood test on me.

Around lunchtime I had some brownish, pinkish spotting.

Implantation spotting? But on Day 16 after ovulation? Typically implantation spotting is between days 6-12 after ovulation.

I called T back. She told me she would talk to Dr. L and call me.

When she called back, she told me Dr. L said it could possibly be implantation spotting.

By last night I was beginning to let myself believe this actually might be so.

Late period, implantation spotting and not feeling like I was going to start my period in the least bit.

Put all that together, mixed with a great desire that it be so, and I was more hopeful than ever this morning as we drove to the doctor’s for the blood work. I couldn’t wait to be able to tell everyone!

We walked into the doctor’s office and T was there to draw my blood.

She told us it would take about 20 minutes to run the test.

Tina let us stay with her as she ran the test. She explained the process to us. There were different phases. Finally, it was the last phase.

There was a printer that would print out the numbers and give the results. T was just as anxious as we were. When it was almost ready to spit out my results T went over there to the machine and just stared at the paper as it printed.

Meanwhile, Dave and I stood together a few feet away. My heart was pounding so hard. I remember thinking, “Maybe the nerves I feel would be how I would feel if I had to stand up and give a speech before thousands like the president has to.” Then I said, “T, when you see the number just tell me. Even if it’s not positive.”

It was seconds later when I heard T say, “No.” and she put her head down against the machine. I said, “No?” and burst into tears.

T hugged me like my Mama would have had she been there and I will always be grateful for that.

I think you could very easily say that this is possibly my greatest disappointment in life so far. I cannot explain to you the emotions of shock and confusion I felt upon hearing the word no.

But at the same time, I could not focus on the dream of today’s possibilities being flushed, once again, down the drain. Instead, my mind was flooded with the promises of God’s Word.

His Grace is sufficient. (2 Corn. 12:9-10)

I trust in the Lord. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

God has a plan and purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I must be strong and courageous, for God is with me wherever I go. (Joshua 1:9)

As I sit and reflect back on the sequence of events over the past few days, it would be so easy to allow myself to believe God has played a cruel joke on us!

But I know in my heart that is not the God I serve.

I serve a loving God and I still believe He has something way better than even the potential scenario of today planned for us.

And today, I do hold this one piece of my jigsaw puzzle and wonder how in the world this could possibly fit into my masterpiece.

And then I think, “It’s a good thing it is not up to me to figure this one out!”

That’s God’s job and He is more than capable.

I will meet with Dr. L on Tuesday, October 28 at 9:00am. to discuss our next step. I will also have an ultrasound to see if there can be any medical explanation of the ordeal.

Pray for wisdom and discernment for Dr. L as we are at a crossroad and many decisions must be made.

Pray also that Dave and I will be obedient and listen to God as He shows us what’s next.

It is well with my soul.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

About a week ago I went with Amanda to Wal-Mart at about 10:30 at night. As we were leaving and walking out into the parking lot, I noticed a woman standing just outside the Wal-Mart entrance having a few more puffs of her cigarette before going into the store.

Not an unusual sight to see.

But then I had to do a double-take and couldn’t believe what I saw.

That woman was very obviously pregnant.

Needless to say, I was enraged and could not help but ask God, "Why do you allow her to conceive?" It makes no sense to me, this side of Heaven.

But then I realized, this is just one more example of why God is God and I am not.

The same could have been said about Mary, the woman who gave birth to Jesus in the stable. Why her? She was very young and she wasn’t even married yet. But she was God’s Plan and what an amazing plan that was now that we can look back on it!

My devotion yesterday was about Jesus asking, "Why?" Even Jesus, while on the cross, cried out asking God why.

My God, why have you forsaken me? Matthew 27:46

Jesus could have chosen to summon 12 legions of angels to help Him but He did not call on them. He did not call on them because He understood it was all part of God’s Plan for Him!

His words, "God, where are you?" teach us three truths:

1. You can be in God’s Plan yet at times feel overwhelmed and alone.
2. When God doesn’t answer right away, you must stand on the Word He has given you.
3. The pain of this season will eventually give way to the joy God has awaiting you on the other side of it.

Satan will come against the plan of God because that plan is like a hedge of protection around you.

When you feel like you are at the end of your rope and you can’t go another step, do what Jesus did – pray! Father into your hands I commit my spirit. Luke 23:46

And someday, we’ll all, whether it be infertility struggles or something else, be able to look back and say, "God’s Plan was amazing!"