broken hearts

My heart has been hurting all day for a special friend of mine.

She’s been on the adoption path but then unexpectedly became pregnant.

Elated, they set forth to enjoy the unexpected miracle God had given them.

But then, she recently lost the baby.

My heart just breaks for her and her husband.

Lots of “why?” questions because they were totally content in their adoption journey and then were given the surprise of their life, only for it to be taken away weeks later.

It just doesn’t make any kind of sense right now and their hearts are broken at this loss.

Will you take a moment and lift them up in prayer?

My life is about to change.

My life is about to change.

I will be the mother to two little girls. Just allowing myself to type that is a step of faith because I keep myself so guarded during the adoption process, that I don’t really even allow myself to think about what will be. I live in the present, taking one day at a time.

But on this morning, God woke me up (on my sleep in morning when I should be sleeping until Dave and Little Bug come in here to wake me up!) so I figured He must have something to tell me. So I grabbed my journal and started writing and this is what God laid on my heart:

To think of where I was just three years ago…we were starting infertility treatments, had just done our first IUI and August 4th, 2008 was blood test day.

There was so much HOPE that finally my dream was going to come true.

Finally, I would see those TWO pink lines, and the pain of all the months that had passed with no pregnancy suddenly wouldn’t matter as I looked at that pregnancy test and realized I was finally pregnant.

But August 4th came and we went to the clinic for my blood draw, came back home and began the wait until my cell phone would ring giving us news that our dream had come true.

That day we had planned to work on a project outside. We replaced all the wood mulch with red lava rocks in the front flower bed. I knew I needed a distractor as we waited for the phone to ring.

We had finished the project and we were inside when the phone call finally came.

I answered immediately shaking and holding my breath to hear the words my nurse, Holly, had to tell me.

I’m sorry, you are not pregnant, is NOT what I wanted to hear that day, but those are the words that came out of her mouth.

As soon as I hung up, I started crying. It wasn’t the trickle-of-tears-running-slowly-down-my-face kind of crying. It was uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs. Screams of why? and a feeling as though the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders.

One of the lowest points of my journey through infertility, for sure.

But GOD had a plan! Even as I sobbed uncontrollably and screamed at God asking why He couldn’t have just let it work, God had a plan.

In a way only God would orchestrate, He picked up the pieces of my broken heart that day and became my Strength as I pressed on to what was next.

God used August 4th and all the months that were still ahead and full of more disappointments and heartbreak to grow my faith in Him and teach me about His Plan being absolutely perfect and bigger and better than my wildest dreams.

Almost three years to the day of August 4th, 2008, I stand in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in and through my life.

If my life doesn’t proclaim the truth of Jeremiah 29:11, I don’t know what does.

If my life doesn’t proclaim that GOD IS FAITHFUL THROUGH IT ALL, I don’t know what does.

And so in these final days/weeks of our journey to #2, I press on, walking in faith.

3/8/09

It’s here again.

The anniversary of 3/8/09.

It’s a date that won’t ever go by without me remembering the events of that day.

It was the turning point of my journey through infertility.

It was the day that separated infertility treatments and adoption.

It was a devastating day for me.

It was the platform God used to perform a miracle …

The Miracle of Little Bug.

On that day, March 8, 2009, I didn’t know how I was going to make it past that day, but now, two years later, I look back on that day with thanksgiving in my heart.

If God had allowed that IVF cycle to produce more than just The Lone Ranger, or if God had prompted us to give IVF another try instead of turning in adoption paperwork a month and day later, I wouldn’t be the mother of this precious little girl.

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God knows what He is doing! I will be the first to admit that I questioned God on that day. Nothing made sense on March 8, 2009. Nothing.

There were tons of people praying during that IVF cycle. We had already gone through three failed IUIs. Four months prior, I had undergone surgery to remove endometriosis. My doctor had given me high hopes of finally achieving a pregnancy with this IVF cycle.

And then everything that could possibly have gone wrong, went wrong! I left the doctor’s office a total mess, totally clueless what God was doing and with my head filled with a million and one Why? questions.

And then, just when things couldn’t get any worse God was asking me to lay my desire for pregnancy at His feet and pursue adoption immediately.

What? Are you crazy, God? Don’t you know this has been my desire since I was a little girl? Surely, you are not serious about this?!?!

Oh, He was serious alright. I knew there was not going to be another try at IVF.

I praise God that He didn’t make me wait long to find out just what He was up too.

Twelve weeks later, instead of staring at a tiny, flickering heartbeat on an ultrasound screen, I was staring at this:

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Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Staring at Little Bug’s tiny little face almost two years ago allowed me to see why I had to live 3/8/09.

Oh, God’s love for us is deeper and wider than our human minds will ever be able to fully comprehend!

I praise Him for this journey!

We always want answers as to “Why?”. Here is one.

I have always questioned why God had us do that IVF cycle. The one that failed miserably because my ovaries only produced one egg. The cycle had to be cancelled and was converted to our fourth IUI.

Remember the Lone Ranger? Yep, I named that one little egg The Lone Ranger and we all prayed that God would intervene and still give us a miracle.

That month came and went with no pregnancy, just like the rest of them.

To this very day, I have always wondered why God wanted us to do that IVF cycle.

After all, in December of 2008, God opened our hearts to adoption. I have always wondered why He didn’t just want us to start the adoption process right then instead of “wasting” time doing that IVF cycle.

I was just now rewriting “Our Story” for my blog and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

When Tracy was pregnant with Little Bug, she first contacted the adoption agency in December of 2008.

It is interesting how that is the same exact time that God opened our hearts to adoption.

God very well could have had us contact the agency in December of 2008. We very well could have been matched with Tracy in December or January.

Tracy’s due date was June 14, 2009.

We would have had approximately 6 months to “deal with Tracy” and all the drama that comes with her.

God knew I couldn’t handle dealing with Tracy for 6 whole months!

So, he gave us a little distractor.

And that distractor was our March 2009 IVF cycle.

We went through that IVF cycle, which was by far the darkest days of my infertility journey.

Oh, those were painful days. I learned that I would mostly likely never conceive and have a biological child and at that point and time in my life, that news crushed me to my very core.

When we find ourselves in those places in life, it is so easy to question God.

God, why are you letting me experience this pain?

God, why don’t you take this from me and just allow me to be pregnant?

Please hear me on this one.

Even during your darkest hour, God has your best interest in mind.

On the day we learned that my ovaries had only produced one egg, God was moving in my heart already and I knew the time had come:

God wanted us to stop all infertility treatments and pursue adoption immediately.

There was a sense of urgency in my heart.

My mom and I worked non-stop to get our adoption family profile made.

April 7th, 2009, we were ready to turn our adoption paperwork in.

I walked into the agency, handed the paperwork in to the lawyer and learned the family that was supposed to adopt Little Bug, had backed out just that last week.

Tracy was very anxious to find another adoptive family for her baby.

She was two months away from her due date.

And so began the 48 days I had contact with Tracy before Little Bug’s birth. (Just one day shy of the amount of days I had contact with her recently as we thought we would adopt another baby born from her in July of 2011.)

God knew Little Bug was our daughter. He knew Tracy was going to place her with us. He knew of Tracy’s drama. And in His great mercy, He spared me from having to deal with her drama for six entire months before Little Bug’s birth.

Instead it was “only” 6 weeks and 6 days.

So many times, when we are going through a trial in life, it is so easy to assume God has forgotten us or is allowing us to experience pain because of something we did or said. We think God isn’t moving or at work in our lives and we feel we will be stuck in this trial forever.

Please see the truth here!

God is always protecting us, always loving us and He always has our best interest in mind. 

I never understood why the IVF cycle was a part of God’s plan for my life.

Almost two years later, I clearly see that IVF cycle was God’s way of protecting me from a long, long, long six months of drama.

If you find yourself in a situation that you are not sure why God has allowed you to be in this place, just wait. God is up to something.

And you better believe He has your best interest in mind.

what is really going on

During my trek down the road of infertility, I have certainly learned that the presence of God is a very real aspect of this journey. He has been my strength, my comfort, my joy and my peace through it all.

I have also realized another very real presence in my life during this journey.

And that is the presence of Satan.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

While God’s plan, from the start, was a marvelous plan that involved a barren womb and an open heart to the miracle of adoption, Satan has sought to steal, kill and destroy the glory God has received through my infertility from day one.

If you find yourself today still sorting through the muck of infertility (or any other trial in your life), please hear me on this:

Your battle is more than a deep pitted desire in the depths of your heart to see two pink lines on the pregnancy test.

If you are a child of God, the battle you find yourself in is between a God who loves you and has a marvelous plan for your life (in spite the circumstances you find yourself in today) and the Evil One of this world who wants to see infertility destroy you so that your God will seem like a fool.

I began to look at my own infertility in a completely different light when I realized that what Satan meant to use to destroy me, God had planned to use the same exact circumstances in my life to perform a miracle!

It’s all about perspective. God’s perspective.

Once I realized that my pain was an opportunity to allow God’s glory to shine through me, it totally changed my perspective on infertility.

Instead of my inability to conceive being on the forefront of my mind, my focus was shifted to waiting in great expectation for the way God was going to take these miserable circumstances and bring glory to His wonderful name.

Satan hated this. Absolutely hated it.

Satan wanted my focus to be on thoughts such as, “Why do I have to go through this? Why is it taking so long? Friend after friend, family member after family member have gotten pregnant, but here I am, still waiting!”

Satan knew if he could keep my focus on these things, he would successfully tear down my hope in the Lord and destroy my trust in God’s perfect plan for my life that actually did include infertility.

Don’t think for a minute that I sailed through those horrible days with a genuine smile on my face and a totally happy, joyful heart! Just go back and read the posts I wrote towards the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009. You will find posts where I was extremely angry that I was going through all that. You will find posts where I felt like all hope was lost.

But you will also find posts where God picked me up out of all the muck and spoke straight to my heart so that I would know there was a greater battle going on that went beyond my desire to be pregnant.

Satan wants to destroy you as you walk this road! Don’t let him! He wants your focus to stay on the depths of your despair.

Don’t allow it!

Choose this day to rise above it all in the power and strength that only God can give you.

Determine to put your perspective on this truth:

Your infertility isn’t just a battle between one line or two on the pregnancy tests. It’s a battle between God and Satan. Satan wants your infertility to wreak havoc on your life while God desires to use your infertility to do something in your life that only He can do so that the world can see Him at work in your life.

Let God do His thing and stand back in amazement at how our God can bring good from bad.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

And really, good isn’t a good enough word to describe what God desires to do.

God will do something in and through your life that the English language cannot adequately describe.

The word that best describes what God has done through my infertility is a miracle.

Actually, make that two miracles.

I just want you to do your best.

I keep replaying in my mind the five minute clip of a movie that was played at the end of the sermon today at church.

A coach was on the football field with his high school football team. Apparently, one of his best players was more interested in goofing off instead of getting serious about the game and playing his best.

The players are all sitting on the field and the coach calls out the player. He asks him to stand and then comes face to face with him.

Coach puts the player to a challenge. He tells him he wants him to carry a teammate on his back for as many yards as he thinks he can go. Only he isn’t to carry the teammate in his arms.

Coach wants him to get on his hands and without putting his knees on the ground carry his teammate as many yards as he can go.

“I just want you to do your best”, the coach tells him.

“Do you think your best is 20 yards?”

The boy says he can do 50 yards.

Before they get started, the coach pulls out a blindfold and ties it to the player’s head. The teammate lays on the back of the player and the challenge begins.

Blindfolded, this kid begins his treak down the football field with his teammate on his back and 50 yards as his goal. The yards are never shown on the movie screen.

It’s just the player, the teammate on his back and the coach who follows closely.

Coach crouches down as the player crawls along the field and says, “Just do your best. Just do your best. Keep going!! Just do your best!”

The player’s arms begin to ache, the weight of his teammate bearing down on his back.

But still the coach says, “Just do your best. Keep going!”

The player presses on, but at any moment, you are waiting, expecting him to fall flat on his face.

The coach’s voice now says with a sense of urgency, “Keep going! You are NOT going to give up, are you? Do your best!! Do your best!! What is your best?! Keep going!”

Coach continues along with his player screaming in his face, “DON’T GIVE UP! DO YOUR BEST! DO YOUR BEST!”

All the while as you are watching you are wondering just how far this kid is going to go.

The camera pans back to the teammates, who at the beginning sat in groups on the field chuckling to each other about the whole thing.

The next time the other teammates are shown, some of them are no longer sitting on the field but are standing – with looks of shock and amazement written all over their faces.

The player continues down the field, coach screaming in his face to do his best.

Eventually, the guy colapses. His coach falls to the ground with him and, in a quiet but excited voice he says, “You went to the END ZONE! Your BEST was the END ZONE! You are my most valuable player. If YOU don’t give me your best, they won’t either. Are you going to give me your best, or not?”

At this moment in the movie clip my mind flashed back to six or so months before Little Bug’s birth.

I had on my back the heavy burden of infertility. I was worn out. I wanted to give up. I could not see an end in sight.

But a still small voice kept saying to me, Elaine! DON’T give up now. Are you going to do your best to let this infertility bring glory to my name? Or are you going to wallow away to the depths of despair?

Suddenly, I saw myself on that football field, carrying my burdon and faced with the reality of a choice that had to be made.

Was I going to do my best to allow my infertility to bring glory to God?

As I was crawling down the road of infertility, God was crouched beside me whispering in my ear that if I did my best to give it all to Him, He would use it all for His glory.

He most certainly did – and still is to this very day.

journey to #2

Not sure if you read Mrs. Hammer’s blog. My heart breaks for her today.

Four and a half years of trying to have a baby while battling infertility. Four cycles of IVF. Three beautiful embryos were placed in her womb during her fourth, and final, chance at IVF. They were the best embryos they had ever had and they were so hoping this would be their miracle.

But today her beta came back as negative.

Man, why do people have to go through this?!?!

And then an even weirder, odder question is this:

Why didn’t I have the chance to go through that?

I know that calls for a little explanation.

You remember March 8th, 2009, I was told IVF wouldn’t even help me conceive. Truth be told, I’ve always been a little leery of that “diagnosis” because it wasn’t my RE who told me that – it was the other RE in the practice because my RE wasn’t on call that fateful day. Logic tells me that obviously the other RE knows what he’s talking about because he’s been doing this since before I was born. But my heart wants to cling to the hope that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong and my RE could figure out something that just might work to finagle around the obstacles the other RE says make conceiving through IVF very unlikely because he’s the best RE in the entire Universe.

And so, as the time approaches for us to start thinking (yes, thinking, not necessarily wanting…yet 🙂 ) a second child, I can’t help but let my mind wander.

There are so many stories out there of women who had a poor response many times but, finally, after three, four, five tries, they got their miracle.

T’s blog is private, but her story is amazing. After many tries at IVF her last try was filled with miracle after miracle! It was her last try. She went it to it knowing if this failed, they had done everything possible to try to conceive. They prayed for a miracle as they had done with their previous cycles. She was a poor responder, but this final cycle, they had beautiful embryos transferred. More beautiful than they ever imagined. Beta day came and her beta was negative, however, against all odds, the clinic called her back several days later and told her there had been a mistake in her first beta and they needed to recheck her. Trying not to get her hopes up, she went in for another beta draw. And lo and behold, that beta came back indicating she was pregnant! Her numbers were extremely low, but with every beta draw after her second one, the numbers kept doubling and tripling. Around 5-6 weeks into the pregnancy she saw the most miraculous thing on the ultrasound screen: the tiny, healthy heartbeat of her precious baby!

So how does all this tie into me?

I honestly don’t know at this time.

I’m trying to figure it out myself as I seek the Lord about why He has me wondering about all this.

I guess, if I could have things my way (which I know full well may not be God’s way AND I know full well that I ultimately desire God’s Will because I know full well HIS WILL is best and perfect and better than anything I could ever wonder or dream about) I wish I could have a second try at IVF.

We didn’t give IVF another thought after our first cycle where I responded very poorly and we ended up converting to an IUI mid-cycle. The reason we didn’t give IVF another thought is so obvious now.

At the time, getting up from that examination table and walking away from it all just like that was nerve-wracking and it felt like I was just giving up prematurely.

But I knew I had to say no to another try because of one reason:

God was telling us to move to adoption because he wanted to give us Little Bug!

Obviously, what I am saying here is I do not, for a second, wish we had given IVF another try back in the Spring of 2009 because I would not ever trade my Little Bug for 10 biological children!

What I am saying is this: When I think of adding to our family, excitement pours into my soul because now, more than ever, I know God has another miraculous plan ahead for us in building our family and I am so excited to see where He takes us on our journey to #2. I am not naive to think the journey will be filled with only joy and no heartache and pain. Unfortunately, when you mix infertility and trying to add to your family, there is bound to be some pain and heartache along the way. But now, more than ever, I know God has a plan bigger and better than all the pain and heartache I will ever experience in my lifetime. I know that what is required of me on my journey to #2 is trusting God and patiently waiting for Him to reveal HIS PLAN. The waiting is bound to get hard (waiting is never easy!) but every day I will have a blue-eyed, blonde haired little reminder that His ways are perfect and His timing is impeccable.

So I guess, right now, my heart is just open. Open to whatever way God would choose to add to our family. I wouldn’t say any of this stems from a desire to experience pregnancy but it stems from a curiosity and wondering if what I was told on March 8th, 2009, is really what would have happened had we pursued another IVF cycle.

Which means all this will probably be just what it is today: my wonderings. Because I can’t see giving IVF another try simply because I am curious to see what the outcome would be. That is how I know this is not a “pregnancy desire” speaking. Sure, if I was told I could do an IVF cycle free of charge, I don’t think I’d have to think twice about jumping on that offer! But, we all know IVF isn’t free.

And so, I guess I will always just wonder. But I can live with that because I do believe if God wants to build our family by a biological child, He most certainly does not need IVF to do it.

My God (our God!) is just awesome like that.

when God says no

My heart breaks for J and her husband, G. They will not be bringing that baby girl home as their daughter. A has decided to parent her child.

Back in July I wrote a post pleading for people to pray that God would intervene and save the life of a man named Bryan who had been hit by a car and was on life support.

J’s adoption fell through and Bryan died leaving a wife and two young sons.

You can’t help but ask why in situations like these.

J has waited 5 years to become a mother. In a 2-week time span J received the call from the adoption agency that there was a birth mom interested in her profile. J meets the birth mom, they are matched, J prepares for the birth of her daughter and goes to the hospital to meet her daughter on the day of her birth.

And then, A chooses to parent her daughter.

Why did she even have to go through those 2 weeks only to have her heart crushed?

Bryan was living His life for Christ. Seriously, this man was not like anyone you have ever met before. He literally shared Jesus with everyone he came in contact with. He did not wear a watch because he lived on “Jesus Time” and did not want to miss out on an opportunity to share Christ with someone because he was going to be late to somewhere else!

Why would God take someone like that? Doesn’t the world need people like that in it?

I cannot answer those questions however there are several verses in the Bible that can answer those questions for us.

The first one being found in Isaiah 55:8-9:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

As humans, our thinking is limited. Our way of reasoning things out is not the way God thinks. I like the part of this verse that says, “… so are my ways higher than your ways…”

Our God is a BIG God! God’s ways (God Plan) are bigger and better than the way we would have it!

If you’ve been following my blog for long you know that God taught me this truth as I walked the road of infertility.

I prayed and prayed and prayed some more that God would PLEASE allow me to get pregnant. Many of you prayed right along with me.

God said no.

Why?

Because He had something bigger, something better.

When we find ourselves in a situation where God says no, it is imperative to cling to this verse which gives us incredible hope despite bleak circumstances:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

What more could we ask for??

God has a plan for J, but not only does He have plan for J but His plan will prosper her, will not harm her and His plan gives her hope and a future!

What does that mean now for her?

When I left RE’s office with the devastating news that my ovaries are essentially rotten I had to cling to Jeremiah 29:11. I didn’t know God’s Plan at that time. I had to surrender my desires and press on, trusting God to reveal His Plan in His Time. Until then, you just have to keep plugging along with each and every day, knowing God is at work even when there is no evidence that He is doing anything.

God has said no, so that can mean only one thing:

He’s got something bigger and something better planned!

National Infertility Awareness Week

Although I consider my infertility days behind me, I am still an infertile and always will be. While I am not childless and am not going through infertility treatments at the moment (or ever again, for that matter!), infertility is always something that will go with me wherever I go in life.

And perhaps there will always be situations where I will ask God, “Why her and not me?” Like just yesterday when Dave, Little Bug and I were out for a walk in the neighborhood.

We live in a quiet neighborhood. The only noise comes from the house in the far corner. We call that the “Party House”. The garage of “Party House” has been made into a pool hall/TV room complete with a huge big screen TV, beer refrigerator, surround sound (You know, so the whole entire neighborhood can hear the game that is on. Thanks!?) and comfy couches.

The owner of this house lives there with his live-in girlfriend who we refer to as “The Harlot”. Harlot has this little dog whom she allows to roam the neighborhood and dig up people’s freshly planted flowers. (I know, because this dog came into our yard not half an hour after I had planted beautiful lilies in the front flower bed. I had gone inside and was sitting in the office which has a window that looks out into this flower bed and the front yard. And what did I see? Yes, that pesky little dog was in the flower bed digging up ALL the flowers I had just planted.)

A few months ago Harlot and her dog no longer seemed to be at the “Party House”. We figured they had broken up. But then, over the past couple of weeks or so, we noticed they were back.

Well, on our walk yesterday we think we figured out what just might have happened…

As we were walking down the street from our house towards the “Party House” we noticed this woman walking down the street. I noticed her rounding belly right away and turned to Dave and said, “Is that the Harlot?” He said, “I think so.” We smiled and waved as we walked by her and then after we passed her I turned to Dave again and asked, “Is she pregnant???”

She is most definitely about 4 or 5 months pregnant.

We walked a little further and then said, “Hmm. Guess that’s why she disappeared for a while. Guess they worked things out after the shock of a baby on the way.”

Why her?

Here is where I have to make the choice I talked about in one of my Q&A posts.

I can choose to continue asking why and focus on the unfairness of an unmarried couple not desiring to conceive be able to conceive by having sex, like normal people do.

Or I can look at the big picture here.

Sure it would be nice to be able to decide that I want to have a baby and try a couple months and then actually be pregnant minus all the heartache and disappointment that comes along with infertility.

It would be nice to know another huge chunk of money does not stand between us and our second child. It would be nice to know that around the time Little Bug turned two, we could start trying for #2 and he or she would arrive around Little Bug’s 3rd birthday.

That would all be nice. But it is just not the path God has called us too.

Instead, He has called us to live in surrender to our own desires for His. And He has required us to completely put our faith and trust in Him when we even consider thinking about adding to our family one day. I think God draws people to Himself by requiring this kind of surrender and trust in a certain area of life – for us, it is our fertility and the lack of it.

For when we are weak, it is then that we are strong in Him.

Would I choose to be fertile now?

No.

As much as I hate my infertility, I love it because through my weaknesses God has taken it all and created something beautiful.

He showed me what it really means to walk by faith daily. To really put your complete trust in Him because you literally had no other options. That is a very humbling, scary and exciting place to be – all at the same time.

It is something to know God is taking the ugly circumstances of your life and is making a beautiful masterpiece for the world to see.

God did that. He took my infertility and performed The Miracle of Little Bug while the world looked on (via this blog).

As time moves forward I know one day I’ll be back at square one. I’ll be longing for another child and wondering how in the world it will happen, given the circumstances.

But then I’ll put my faith in the Lord and trust Him once again for another miracle.

Infertility goes with me every step of the way from here on out, but so does the awesome power of my God.

A Tough Question

I was recently asked a tough question by an anonymous reader of my blog:

How does your heart release that desire to have a biological child you have carried in your womb?

The desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth has been with me since I was a little girl. I played with baby dolls probably well past the appropriate time to pack the baby dolls away in the attic. I can remember constantly stuffing a ball or anything that would make me look “pregnant” up my shirt as I played.

I spent many nights dreaming of the day I would learn that new life was growing in my womb. I imagined what it would be like to give birth with my husband by my side.

I can remember daydreaming in my bedroom as a girl about my future babies. I wanted to give birth to four children two to three years apart. I wanted to have two girls and two boys.

When Dave and I married, having a baby was top on our priority list. When we first started trying to conceive, I could not wait to know that a human being that was half me and half the man I loved was growing in my body. Having always marveled at the miracle of pregnancy, I knew giving birth to a baby would be the most incredible experience of my life.

And then all my hopes and dreams of pregnancy and childbirth met infertility and I learned from a medical viewpoint my body was incapable of achieving pregnancy.

I have often wondered why God would put the desire for pregnancy into every fiber of my being just to not ever allow me to experience the miracle of pregnancy.

March 8, 2009, was the day I realized my dream of pregnancy wasn’t going to happen.

I can only describe that day as a death of a lifelong dream. There was a time of mourning.

I had to mourn never seeing two pink lines on a pregnancy test.

I had to mourn not being able to tell family and friends we are pregnant.

I had to mourn never being able to feel life growing in my womb.

I had to mourn my husband never putting his hand on my belly to feel his baby kick.

I had to mourn I’d never parent a child that was half me and half Dave.

And then, I had to move forward.

With a strength that can only come from the Lord, I had to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and determine to put my faith and hope in the Lord.

I had to believe that God had plans for my life that would prosper me and bring me hope and a future. I had to believe in the character of God – that He is good, that He is faithful, that He is loving and that somewhere in the muck of this dream’s death was something more that God had planned that was far bigger and far better than my heart’s desire.

I had to believe that if God’s plan for me was not to experience pregnancy, He had some other miracle awaiting me.

On May 27, 2009, my daughter was born. I never felt her kick inside my body and she is not half me and half Dave. I did not give birth to her.

And I wouldn’t change a thing. Not one single thing.

God’s Plan is perfect, leaving no room for error.

As for my desire for pregnancy?

I’d be lying if I said it was gone. But instead of a raging flaming fire it is just a very tiny flame that resides in the pit of my heart.

Acceptance has dulled the flame over time.

I could drive myself batty if I was still earnestly seeking pregnancy when God was saying no.

I don’t know if there will ever be a day where I won’t look at a pregnant belly and think about what I never got to experience.

But this I know. Until the day I die I will look at my Little Bug and know she is the miracle God had planned for me.

Little Bug was God’s Plan for my life even back in the days I would pretend I was “pregnant” with my baby dolls.

I am forever grateful that God (and Josh and Angele!) allowed me the privilege of being right there for the entire labor and delivery process of Lilianna. Standing on the sidelines witnessing Lilianna’s birth was the closure my heart was seeking.

Peace also comes knowing God is not limited by infertility. If He wills a pregnancy for me in the future nothing will stand in His way. But at the same time, if I die never having experienced pregnancy, all is well with my soul.

I have never experienced the miracle of pregnancy but I have experienced the miracle of Little Bug.

My heart is content and my cup overflows with the goodness and faithfulness of my Savior.

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I am lacking nothing.