Today

Today is Mother’s Day. Today my mind is focused on the many women who are walking the road of infertility.

Today their minds are filled with …

Why am I still walking this road?

When will I ever get to experience the joy of motherhood?

Will I ever become a mother?

What is the purpose behind all this pain and heartache?

Why are people who “aren’t trying” pregnant and here I am longing for a child for years and still with empty arms?

Why after everything we went through to achieve pregnancy did we miscarry?

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

If I had a penny for every time I have asked “Why?” we could have paid in full for our IVF cycle up front!

When you are drowning the sea of infertility and forced to live through days like today, the pain and heartache is enough to make you feel as though you are suffocating and you won’t be able to take in your next breath.

It hurts. It cuts us to the very core of who we are. On days like today, we want to curl up in a little ball in a cave and hibernate until the sun goes down and all the “Mother’s Day” festivities are over.

I know nothing I can type onto the screen of my computer at this very moment can take away the pain people feel today.

But I would like to say a little something.

If you are a child of God He has a plan and you must trust Him with it. You must believe God will not leave you where you are today.

Things may not turn out the way you think they should or even the way you are praying they turn out.

I am living proof of that!

God had HIS PLAN all along and Little Bug was it. Adoption was certainly never my plan but I am living the miracle of adoption and I wouldn’t change a thing … not a thing.

I want to challenge you to do something today.

There are times (like today) when we need to curl up in a ball and hibernate as we cry and scream out in our anguish.

But then we must pick ourselves up off the floor and press on.

After giving yourself time to mourn today, meditate on God’s Promises found in Jeremiah 29:11 and Ephesians 3:20.

“For I know the plans I have you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   Jeremiah 29:11

Glory be to God who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we could ever dare to ask or even dream of.        Ephesians 3:20

Allow those promises to seep into your heart as you read. In my journey, I have found that it is these two verses that act as a soothing balm to surround my wounded hurting heart. Take these verses today and bind them to your heart. Claim those promises.

Trusting God isn’t as hard as waiting on God. It’s the waiting that is so incredibly hard.

But realize you are waiting on something that is better than you can imagine today.

You are waiting on something more and if you are a Child of God and your trust is in Him, your something more is coming. 

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I placed a white rose on the table to represent Little Bug because to me white symbolizes redemption and only our God could take something as ugly as infertility and make something beautiful come out of it.

Even in the midst of today’s pain, believe that God’s something more for you is coming.

Heartbreaking News from Beth

Beth, my blogger friend, went in for her 9-week ultrasound on Tuesday.

The baby had stopped growing 2-3 weeks ago and there was no heartbeat.

My heart breaks for her as she went through 18 months of infertility, finally conceived and now this has happened. And as if this wasn’t enough, she and her family are in the process of moving to Savannah this week.

My mind has been consumed with the news ever since I read her blog this evening. I want so bad to do something to ease her pain. I can only imagine her heart and mind are filled with sadness, pain, loss, devastation and anger. Another dream … gone.

And then I remembered the peace I felt on the day I learned my third IUI had failed. I know it was because a multitude of people bathed me in prayer that day.

So I am asking you to pray again.

Please bathe Beth and her husband, Jon, in prayer. Pray God’s peace – a peace that transcends all understanding – will invade their hearts and push out all the tormenting emotions they must feel.

You can read her blog about the ultrasound here and also leave a comment letting her know you are praying.

Tomorrow

I think I’ve been walking around in disbelief that what happened even happened. Sure I’ve been sad but I can’t allow myself to wallow in self-pity. However, I can’t help but continue to ask, “What was the purpose behind all that?”

Maybe, one day, God will clue me in.

Life does go on and I’ve even been able to find some humor in it and laugh about the whole ordeal.

Tomorrow’s a big day.

I meet with Dr. L at 9:00am to discuss this past crazy cycle and to talk about what’s next.

What’s next is scary for various reasons. But it is God who has brought us to this place. He could have chosen to allow the scenario of the past few days to end with finding out I was indeed pregnant after all. But, He did not. And so we move on from there with Him as our guide for whatever is next.

Be strong and courageous for the Lord your God will go with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Please pray:

1. Wisdom for Dr. L has he explains this last cycle and decides the best next step for us.

2. Discernment and peace from God for Dave and me to know where to go next.

God is [still] [STILL] Faithful

First, I must preface this post with this statement:

I am not pregnant.

I know you already know that – but you will understand why I had to say that by the time you finish reading this post.

I’ve compared this journey to a roller coaster ride of many ups and downs. What I am about to say is … (I can’t come up with a word that adequately describes.)

You know what happened Wednesday. (Blood work day. Veins wouldn’t cooperate so they give me a urine pregnancy test, which was negative.)

They gave me orders to go get blood work done at Quest later on in the same day. I said, “I won’t go be poked again. I’ll just go home and wait for the period. If it doesn’t come, then I’ll go.”

So Wednesday comes and goes. No period.

Thursday. Still nothing.

Friday. I’m officially late.

Anyone going through this knows that even when there is a glimmer of hope that you may possibly be pregnant, you still remain guarded until you know for sure.

But by Friday I was allowing myself to think things like:

Is this the beautiful masterpiece that God had planned all along? That I would get negative results and days later test positive and actually have been pregnant all along?

I couldn’t help but imagine being able to surprise people with the news that I was pregnant! One of the biggest disappointments for me in fertility treatments is that there is no way to surprise people with the news of pregnancy. Unless, of course, you choose to keep the procedures quiet and not even tell people you are going through them. To me, that isn’t an option. The prayer support is a necessity when you are going through something like this.

Friday, while I was with the twins, I called T and told her here it was Friday and I had still not started. She told me to come in Saturday morning and she would do a blood test on me.

Around lunchtime I had some brownish, pinkish spotting.

Implantation spotting? But on Day 16 after ovulation? Typically implantation spotting is between days 6-12 after ovulation.

I called T back. She told me she would talk to Dr. L and call me.

When she called back, she told me Dr. L said it could possibly be implantation spotting.

By last night I was beginning to let myself believe this actually might be so.

Late period, implantation spotting and not feeling like I was going to start my period in the least bit.

Put all that together, mixed with a great desire that it be so, and I was more hopeful than ever this morning as we drove to the doctor’s for the blood work. I couldn’t wait to be able to tell everyone!

We walked into the doctor’s office and T was there to draw my blood.

She told us it would take about 20 minutes to run the test.

Tina let us stay with her as she ran the test. She explained the process to us. There were different phases. Finally, it was the last phase.

There was a printer that would print out the numbers and give the results. T was just as anxious as we were. When it was almost ready to spit out my results T went over there to the machine and just stared at the paper as it printed.

Meanwhile, Dave and I stood together a few feet away. My heart was pounding so hard. I remember thinking, “Maybe the nerves I feel would be how I would feel if I had to stand up and give a speech before thousands like the president has to.” Then I said, “T, when you see the number just tell me. Even if it’s not positive.”

It was seconds later when I heard T say, “No.” and she put her head down against the machine. I said, “No?” and burst into tears.

T hugged me like my Mama would have had she been there and I will always be grateful for that.

I think you could very easily say that this is possibly my greatest disappointment in life so far. I cannot explain to you the emotions of shock and confusion I felt upon hearing the word no.

But at the same time, I could not focus on the dream of today’s possibilities being flushed, once again, down the drain. Instead, my mind was flooded with the promises of God’s Word.

His Grace is sufficient. (2 Corn. 12:9-10)

I trust in the Lord. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

God has a plan and purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I must be strong and courageous, for God is with me wherever I go. (Joshua 1:9)

As I sit and reflect back on the sequence of events over the past few days, it would be so easy to allow myself to believe God has played a cruel joke on us!

But I know in my heart that is not the God I serve.

I serve a loving God and I still believe He has something way better than even the potential scenario of today planned for us.

And today, I do hold this one piece of my jigsaw puzzle and wonder how in the world this could possibly fit into my masterpiece.

And then I think, “It’s a good thing it is not up to me to figure this one out!”

That’s God’s job and He is more than capable.

I will meet with Dr. L on Tuesday, October 28 at 9:00am. to discuss our next step. I will also have an ultrasound to see if there can be any medical explanation of the ordeal.

Pray for wisdom and discernment for Dr. L as we are at a crossroad and many decisions must be made.

Pray also that Dave and I will be obedient and listen to God as He shows us what’s next.

It is well with my soul.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

Even Jesus Asked, "Why?"

About a week ago I went with Amanda to Wal-Mart at about 10:30 at night. As we were leaving and walking out into the parking lot, I noticed a woman standing just outside the Wal-Mart entrance having a few more puffs of her cigarette before going into the store.

Not an unusual sight to see.

But then I had to do a double-take and couldn’t believe what I saw.

That woman was very obviously pregnant.

Needless to say, I was enraged and could not help but ask God, "Why do you allow her to conceive?" It makes no sense to me, this side of Heaven.

But then I realized, this is just one more example of why God is God and I am not.

The same could have been said about Mary, the woman who gave birth to Jesus in the stable. Why her? She was very young and she wasn’t even married yet. But she was God’s Plan and what an amazing plan that was now that we can look back on it!

My devotion yesterday was about Jesus asking, "Why?" Even Jesus, while on the cross, cried out asking God why.

My God, why have you forsaken me? Matthew 27:46

Jesus could have chosen to summon 12 legions of angels to help Him but He did not call on them. He did not call on them because He understood it was all part of God’s Plan for Him!

His words, "God, where are you?" teach us three truths:

  1. You can be in God’s Plan yet at times feel overwhelmed and alone.
  2. When God doesn’t answer right away, you must stand on the Word He has given you.
  3. The pain of this season will eventually give way to the joy God has awaiting you on the other side of it.

Satan will come against the plan of God because that plan is like a hedge of protection around you.

When you feel like you are at the end of your rope and you can’t go another step, do what Jesus did – pray! Father into your hands I commit my spirit. Luke 23:46

And someday, we’ll all, whether it be infertility struggles or something else, be able to look back and say, "God’s Plan was amazing!"