A Leap of Faith

I am pretty much recovered from the surgery. So the next thing is the month of December – the month we are praying it happens naturally.

There are several choices I must make concerning December’s cycle:

  1. Should I do the Clomid Challenge Test?
  2. Should I take my basal body temps and chart like I was doing over a year ago when we had just started trying to conceive?
  3. Should I use an Ovulation Predictor Kit?

I believe God is saying no to all three.

It’s taken me a few days to come to this conclusion because I have really wanted to at least do the Clomid Challenge Test for several really good reasons:

  1. Taking Clomid, there is a good chance for more than one follicle to ovulate. Doing a Clomid Challenge Test there is an 8-10% chance for twins and (thankfully) only a <1% chance for triplets or more.
  2. We could time things better because Clomid regulates your cycle.
  3. I would have one ultrasound and be able to see how ready the follicles are for ovulation which would help with timing.

This morning as I was praying and writing in my journal about all this I realized I hadn’t really stopped to consider those positive aspects of a Clomid Challenge Test.

Timing is crucial when trying to conceive and, for us, timing things just right is very tricky for reasons I won’t get into. So as I was writing in my journal about the positives of doing the Clomid Challenge Test it was very tempting to change my mind about not doing it during December’s cycle.

But here is why I can’t change my mind:

This morning I felt as if I was standing at a crossroad and God is calling me towards one direction and asking me, "Elaine, are you going to trust me?"

Nothing is impossible with God. And I knew this morning, that the real reason God had told me "no" is because if God indeed is going to perform a miracle in December for us, we need to take our hands off, let go and let God do His work. To sum it up, I need to take a leap of faith and trust Him.

This is scary. On one level, it makes no sense. We so want to have our hands in EVERYTHING! We are like the 2-year-old who likes to "help" Mommy with chores around the house. But in the end, there is more of a mess, and I’m sure, that mom thought something along the lines of, "I’m glad my little boy wants to help but I sure do wish he would go find something else to entertain himself with so I could just fold this laundry once and not have to keep refolding it!" I wonder how many times in my life God has thought that about me?

If only Elaine would just back off, let go and TRUST ME to get the job done!

This is hard, really hard. But I’ve said from the beginning that I desire God to receive the glory in everything we must go through on this road. If I get pregnant naturally next cycle, I want ALL the glory going to God and not even a tad bit of it going to me or to a Clomid Challenge Test.

So by packing up the prescription for Clomid, thermometers and the folder I keep all my charted temps in, I am saying to God, "If we conceive next month, this baby will truly be a miracle from You!"

And all the glory will be His.

Our Next Step After Surgery

We headed into our final cycle of IUI in October 2008 knowing that if this cycle didn’t work we wanted to stop treatment until the New Year. We do not want to be going through treatments during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.

We still feel this way after successful laporoscopy surgery to remove Stage 2 endometriosis. I talked to Dr. L briefly after my surgery but was still in a groggy state. So I am very anxious to talk to him at my post-op appointment on November 17th. The message is clear, though, that Dr. L successfully removed all the endometriosis and now my chances of pregnancy are very good. Even in my groggy state, I understood that much.

The past week I’ve spent recovering from surgery, I’ve had a lot of time to sit and contemplate and pray about what God is telling us our next step is.

We both feel at peace about taking a break on IUI treatments for November and December and doing our next treatment in January 2009 – if that is even necessary.

As I reflect back on the past year, there is no doubt in my mind that, if God Wills, He can and will allow conception to happen naturally before the New Year. I can, and already have started praying that this will be the beautiful masterpiece I have long awaited to see. I invite you to pray with me.

But three tiny words say it all. If God Wills

And I can honestly say with more understanding than I have ever had in my entire life, because of the journey of this past year, that I desire more than anything, God’s Will.

Because in the past year, the greatest lesson God has taught me through this battle with infertility, is that God’s Plan is perfect, beautiful and always best.

Faith

It’s late. I should be in bed. Or I should atleast be working on the scrapbook I am making my Grandmother for her 80th birthday, which is Tuesday. But I can’t concentrate on anything until I sort through today.

FAITH.

Just having faith and believing it will happen is what’s on my heart today.

All the other cycles, and especially the last cycle, I guarded my heart by not getting my hopes too high that I would get positive blood test results. Sounds silly, I know. Why go through all I go through each month to get ready for an insemination. All the drugs, doctor visits, ultrasounds, semen collections, shots, emotional roller coasters just to wait 2-weeks expecting nothing.

I do firmly believe, however, that the purpose of Cycles 1, 2 and 3 was not pregnancy but something far greater.

The work of Jesus Christ is clearly evident as you go back and read previous posts. This is one of the main reasons I started this blog. From the very beginning of this journey I knew God would use my circumstances to do something marvelous. He is definitely doing something marvelous, even now. And I wanted a way to record what He did and is doing.

From the start, I’ve known this is a journey, a pilgrimage. Meaning, I won’t be in these circumstances forever. Somehow, someway, I will be a mother because it is one of the greatest desires of my heart. It’s the somehow and someway that is the hard part because I don’t have the ending of this story…yet. But I know Who holds the writing tablet.

God is a faithful God. I look back on other trials in my life (that now pale in comparison to this one) and I clearly see how God faithfully brought me through the trial. He has never brought me to a trial and left me there. No, trials are meant to be the greatest teachers. It is through trials we learn Who God is and that He has a perfect plan unique just to you.

Alesha (who also had her IUI today) wrote a post a couple days ago about tunnels. That precisely describes trials in our life. In the middle of the tunnel it can be very dark and scary. Yet, He is still there by our side. He has promised never to leave us. He has promised to walk with us. But as time passes, you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. The trial, like the tunnel, is temporary, but the lessons learned while going through the tunnel (trial) are invaluable.

With each cycle I’ve gone through I can look back and see something God wanted to teach me.

Today I can’t stop dwelling on FAITH. The Bible clearly tells us what faith is. It is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. It takes faith to accept God’s free gift of salvation. I’ve accepted God’s free gift of salvation no questions asked. No doubts. I KNOW where I will spend eternity and never do I have to worry.

I feel it is time to have FAITH that I AM PREGNANT!

Allow me to be honest and say that is a scary thing to write. It is so tempting just to move the curser up there and tap, tap, tap the delete button until those words disappear. Each cycle, I’ve always been cautiously optimistic. I’ve guarded myself by allowing myself to hope but then always keeping negative results in the back of my head.

I’m going to take a risk. And I am NOT a risk-taker. At all.

I am going to step out on faith, FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST, and believe that Baby was created TODAY! No more doubts, no more worries. I am just going to BELIEVE.

I know, I know, I could potentially be setting myself up for complete heartbreak.

But it’s ok.

If it is not so, I think I’ve learned my lesson well.

God will have something even better than positive blood test results.

GOD IS FAITHFUL.

Enough

When the nurse entered the room yesterday with the sperm she said, “You have 9.6 million for today.” Expecting a number much greater than that I asked, “What did you say?” She repeated, “You have 9.6 million sperm.” Disappointment set in that more than that had not survived the unfreeze. (We were told to expect approximately 20 million.)

But then the prayer I had written in my journal just four hours before the 2:30 procedure replayed in my mind…

God,

In four hours the first sperm will enter in. God, I pray Your Hand would be on every frozen sperm even right now. I pray for each one that You desire to survive the unfreeze. I pray these sperm will be healthy and mobile and will head in the direction of the egg(s). I pray you would keep them there waiting…

9.6 million sperm did not surprise God at all yesterday. I firmly believe He hand-picked those 9.6 million.

Today we had 17 million survive and make it in. So that brings a total of 26.6 million sperm hand-picked by God Himself.

And now I repeat the prayer I prayed yesterday four hours before the first insemination…

And then when the egg(s) burst out, I pray the one You have planned from the beginning of time will get there! I pray You would place that sperm in the egg and create Baby. God, you alone can do this. Please complete the work You have started in me.

I love you,

Elaine

Waiting is a good place to be. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make a sperm find an egg. It’s all God. If it happens, IT IS ALL GOD.

God is the Creator of Life. Not me. Not Dave. Not T. Not Dr. L.

GOD. AND GOD ALONE.

Pray like you’ve never prayed for me before…fervently, continuously that God will create LIFE…TODAY!

And remember…pray for Baby Goodlett too!

A Day of Prayer for Baby

**UPDATE**
Isn’t this awesome??!! Alesha is having her IUI tomorrow at the same time I am. As you pray for Baby, pray for Baby Goodlett too!

This morning while Ella and Ava were taking their morning nap God laid something on my heart.

Prayer has played such a crucial part in this journey. I know there are going to be tons of people praying for us especially today and tomorrow. So I thought on the day Baby may be conceived, if it be God’s Will (Please God, let it be so!) why not have some concrete evidence of all the prayers that will bombard the throne of Heaven!!

So here’s the idea:

*Below you’ll see a list of time slots from 9am on Tuesday morning to midnight.
*By clicking on the “comments”, leave your name and the time period you will pray God will create Baby on October 8th, 2008!
*Then, tomorrow sometime during that hour time slot (and, of course, any other time God lays it on your heart to pray) pray for Baby to be conceived.
*I’ll update the list of times with who is praying when according to what is written in the comments.

9am-10am *Norma
10am-11am *Alesha
11am-12pm *Alicia
12-1pm *Ashlie
1pm-2pm *Angele
2pm-3pm *Roy
3pm-4pm *Maria
4pm-5pm *Amanda
6pm-7pm *Brenda M.
7pm-8pm
9pm-10pm
10pm-11pm *Aunt Elena
11pm-12am

God hears the prayers of His people. Thank you for praying.