I just finished watching a Beth Moore video from the study “Esther”.

Wow!

My mother is going through this study at church and said I should watch this particular session because it is all about (yep, you guessed it!) fear.

Two parts of this session really stuck with me.

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There is no denial in courage.

Let me explain because when I first heard that, it really wasn’t making a whole lot of sense to me. But, as Beth began to explain further, the truth behind that statement astounded me.

What does that statement have to do with my fear about doing IVF?

Well, first I must ask myself, “What is my greatest fear about IVF?”

Answer: That at the end of everything, I will receive negative blood test results again and still not be pregnant.

The reality of this situation is that this very well may happen. I may go through IVF only to still not be pregnant at the end … my greatest fear.

I could go into this with the attitude of, “This is going to work, it has to”. But this would be living in denial of reality because the reality of the situation is it very well may not work.

There is no courage in saying, “IVF not working for us is just not a possibility. It has to work!”

So what is courage??

Courage is looking flat in the face of “it” (IVF not working) and not denying that it could happen. Instead, I deny it’s authority over me. 

That is courage!

Which now brings me to another part of the session that really struck me.

Beth told everyone to write the following on a piece of paper:

And if _______, then _______.

The first blank is for our worst fear. Beth named endless possibilities for things we are afraid of that could be written in that blank …

• And if my husband cheats on me,
• And if my child dies,
• And if there is no money left in the bank,
• And if I am fired from my job,
• And if I am infertile,

The list is endless and we all have something we can fill in that blank. (Go ahead, fill your blank with your worst fear.)

Then Beth went on to fill in the second blank with how we tend to first react …

• then I will just die inside and never feel alive again.
• then I will cry myself into a deep depression.
• then I will never feel joy again.

Beth then said, this is instead how we must fill in those blanks …

• then, God will still be faithful.
• then, God will take care of me.

And if _______, then GOD.

If we allow anything but God to fill that blank, we will be left in the grip of fear.

My trust in God throughout this IVF cycle cannot be conditional trust. I cannot go through this IVF cycle trusting that IVF will work.

Sure I can and will pray that IVF results in a pregnancy. I will daily lay my heart’s desire before the Lord and ask others to pray the same. And I can certainly pray asking God to let the cup of “failed IVF cycle” pass me right on by.

But I won’t live victoriously and in freedom with that kind of conditional trust. Instead I must enter this IVF cycle with an “If this, then God” trust and faith in Jesus Christ.

If the IVF cycle fails, then God will take care of me and He will still be faithful.

Not …

If the IVF cycle fails, then I will loose my will to keep living life.

God hasn’t called me to trust him conditionally, to trust Him only when things are in my favor. No. God has called me to trust Him. Period.

Towards the end of the session Beth asked a question:

From Genesis to Revelations, what is the most frequent command in the Bible?

“Don’t be afraid.”

Then she asked another profound question:

Can you imagine living without fear?

Courage comes from the Latin word “cor” meaning “heart”. Courage comes from a heart that is convinced it is loved. That is why, as 1 John 4:18 tells us, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.”

I do not have to go through IVF in the grip of fear.

God is perfect love. Perfect love drives out fear.

Before I step one foot through the IVF door, I already have victory.

Victory in Jesus.

(Same goes for you!!)

As I continue to find verse after verse about fear in the Bible, I am finding several resounding themes among many of the verses.

Do not fear.

I [God] am with you.

God is our refuge in times of trouble.

God is our strength.

(I see everyone of these truths from God’s Word as an arrow I can shoot against fear when it comes to try to take over as I continue to walk this journey in the next few months.)

Today’s verse I found in Nahum.

The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him. Nahum 1:7

And this is what I wrote in my journal:

God is so good! His mercies never fail. They are new every morning. It is only a good God who could take a bad thing such as infertility and make good come from it. I honestly cannot say the past year and a half have been “bad”. So much good has already come because I serve a God who is always good!

God is my refuge and because I am His I have a hedge of protection around me. I like to think of God being my refuge like a raincoat protects us from the rain. With God, there is protection. Oh, yes there is still going to be rain. God does not promise me all sunny days. But when the rain falls, God is my “raincoat”. The rain falls all around me, but it cannot penetrate my skin because I am protected by the raincoat.

God cares for those who trust in Him. God is my creator and He planned all my days before one of them was lived. I can trust Him to get me through whatever lies ahead.

Today’s Truth plucked from God’s Word to be used later in the battles ahead: My God is my refuge. He is good and I must trust Him.

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Thank you so much to everyone who has left an encouraging comment. I love checking my email and seeing more comments waiting to be published! Your words of encouragement and prayers mean so much to me. Thank you!

In this decision-making process, I have come to realize that my biggest fear in moving towards any direction is fear that at the end we will still hear those five dreaded words: “Sorry, you are not pregnant.”

Realizing this was Step One in not allowing fear to consume me.

Step Two is diving into the Word of God and pulling out verse after verse about fear.

The fear I’m talking about is not the reverent fear we should all have for God.

The fear I’m talking about is a downright all-consuming, dark-cloud-hovering-all-around-you kind of fear.

God has a lot to say about both types of fears and the verses I’m digging out of the Bible have to do with the “dark cloud” kind of fear. 

Every day I am spending time looking up verses about fear and then writing the message behind them in my “infertility journal”. Then I write down the truth from God’s Word I received for that day. I’m on day three and the first verse I found was:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity [fear], but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline. I Timothy 1:7

Here is what I wrote in the journal about this verse:

God is my creator and He did not create me with a spirit of FEAR. God has given me a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline. A spirit of power! We also know from Scripture that when we are weak, we are strong because of God’s power and strength within us. So as I go through whatever lies ahead in the near future, I must cling to this and know God has given me the power and strength to endure whatever happens. And when I look inside myself I should see power and strength from God pushing out all fear.

Truth One: God has given me a spirit of POWER – not fear.