Some More Thoughts

I know where all this sadness is stemming from.

It is coming from a dread of the future, which is pure silliness.

But, let me explain anyway.

While I felt total and utter relief from not having to continue to deal with Tracy drama over the next 5-6 months, after things have settled over the past two weeks I have realized that while those 5-6 months would have continued to be one wild ride, there wouldn’t have really been a lot of unknowns in dealing with Tracy.

And unknowns are scary, no matter how you look at them.

Sure, there would have been much more drama with Tracy. That was a given.

But ultimately, I knew the drama would only last a season and because of Tracy’s circumstances, I knew that she would be classified as very “low risk” as far as her deciding to parent. Basically, that isn’t even an option for her.

As much as I hate Tracy’s lifestyle and pray that she one day is freed from the chains of her sin, parenting not even being an option (or desire) for her really does provide a sense of “security” for an adoptive couple when all comes down to it.

Now, we head into the unknown.

Right before we got the call that Tracy was pregnant, Dave and I briefly discussed a timeline of planning for #2, knowing full well that God’s timing is our utmost desire.

We both felt we would be ready to start the adoption process after Little Bug turns two. We both think a three-year age gap would be ideal, but, like I already said, we know better than to plan and assume that our plans will also be God’s plan!

So, the lawyer’s phone call at the beginning of December certainly didn’t line up with our plans but we took the leap of faith and went with it, trusting God every step of the way.

And, as always, he was faithful … every step of the way.

I know that as we begin the adoption process again (most likely before the calendar says 2012), God’s faithfulness will be the thread that weaves our journey to #2 together.

As overwhelming as it was to think of dealing with Tracy for 5-6 months, it is also overwhelming to think of dealing with a new birth mother, a completely new situation.

So many unknowns. And unknowns are scary.

While Tracy certainly proved herself to be full of surprises, I know her. I know how she operates and I knew she had to place her child when it was all said and done.

And as crazy as it sounds, all that did bring a measure of peace that dealing with the unknowns just doesn’t offer.

So it’s a good thing my peace does not come from my circumstances.

My peace comes from the Lord.

I seriously couldn’t do this without my faith in the Lord. Where would my hope be?

In my next birth mother?

Wow. That is a scary thought.

No, my faith, my hope, my trust, my joy, my strength ALL come from the Lord.

And His supply is endless.

I am fine. Really, I am!

I really can’t say thank you enough to everyone for their outpouring of love and support, prayers, emails, texts, Facebook messages and hugs during this time.

I want to assure everyone that I am fine.

Really, I am! I am not just saying that!

Don’t worry – I am not bottling all the emotions of this up only to explode a week or a month from now!

I dealt with the grief on the couch with my parents after I officially learned what I knew in my heart. There were tears, I was disappointed but my husband didn’t even have time to come home from work to comfort me before I was absolutely at peace with the final outcome and so ready to just move on!

The grief period was just simply that brief.

As I have said all along, there was disappointment, but ultimately at the conclusion of all this, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

Just a few days before all this drama began I counted the weeks that had gone by since first learning of Tracy’s pregnancy. December 10th, she had told the lawyer she was about 10-11 weeks pregnant, so that would mean when I counted that she was approximately 16ish weeks pregnant. And while 16 weeks was a whole lot further along than 10 weeks, 40 weeks still seemed light years away.

I certainly wasn’t looking forward to the next 5-6 months. From the day we first learned of Tracy’s pregnancy I told God that 30 weeks of dealing with Tracy was a lot BUT I knew ultimately He was in charge and I knew there was a purpose behind this pregnancy and I just had to step out in faith knowing God would take care of me every step of the way. And I was extremely excited about the possibility of a biological sibling for my daughter although I never would have chosen to have my children 25ish months apart!

And He most certainly did take care of me every step of the way!

When all the drama started I again prayed the same thing: That God would give me the strength and peace to endure the next 5-6 months if there was indeed a baby in Tracy’s womb.

The reality was, there was no doubt in my mind that I would continue with no hesitation if a precious baby popped up on the ultrasound screen. I knew if this baby in Tracy’s womb were Little Bug, I would have “dealt with Tracy” for nine whole entire months in order to be Little Bug’s mother.

By the Grace of God, I only had to deal with drama for 48 days with Little Bug’s adoption.

And you know how many days this second ordeal lasted? (I find this very interesting.)

49.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my baby girl over the past two days.

I look at her and there is just a renewed awe at the miracle of her adoption.

I do not say this to make myself the “hero”, because her adoption has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father, but my heart breaks when I think of what could have been had Tracy not chosen adoption for Little Bug.

For some reason, a reason we are probably not fully aware of now, God picked Little Bug up out of her biological family and placed her with us and her life is forever changed and totally different than it would have been.

For now, I know the reason must be this: God has a special plan for this precious child, one that He could only accomplish through her by removing her from that situation and placing her with us.

Life is good. Well, life isn’t always good but I have certainly learned that even when life’s circumstances aren’t good, God always is.

God is always at work orchestrating his beautiful plan for our lives, if we allow it.

And God is always faithful and good.

New Day, New Mercies

It is a new day, a new month and that can only mean one thing:

God’s mercies are new. He has brought me through another fire and I am still standing.

But I am not just standing.

I am standing firm because God is my strength, my peace, my joy in times of trouble and heartache and no matter what the devil tries to scheme against me, GOD has won.

Which means I won, because I’m on His side.

The promises of God’s Word are still true. There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan, a perfect and beautiful plan that is far greater and far bigger than a biological sibling for Little Bug.

I learned that full well on my journey to Little Bug.

Yesterday was a day of sorrow for what wasn’t going to be and there were certainly tears, but ultimately do you know the overwhelming emotion I felt yesterday and continue to feel today?

Relief.

I am sure that might not make a whole lot of sense right now, which is why I have chosen to reveal the details of this drama.

The drama began with a text from Tracy to me on Monday, January 24th.

She asked me if we wanted to come over for dinner and help her get some furniture.

I replied that I had been asking around to see if people had any furniture they were trying to get rid of and could donate and we would just have to wait and see what is donated.

Tracy text me back that she was getting a kitchen table and needed us to come help her pick it up and then we could stay for dinner.

Not long after this text, I received a call from our lawyer.

The lawyer told me she had just received a text from Tracy saying she needed a sum of money to be able to buy a kitchen table because Dave and Elaine were coming over for dinner and she needed a place for us to sit.

I am sure at this point my jaw was on the floor, but believe it or not, this was just the prelude to all the drama that was about to unfold.

The lawyer and I made the decision that this was an outlandish request. The lawyer said she was going to call Tracy and tell her no, the request could not be granted.

On Tuesday, January 25th I received a phone call from the lawyer telling me that she had talked to Tracy and Tracy was livid that the lawyer would not give her the money.

Tuesday night Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound in the evening. All we had from the adoption agency for proof of pregnancy was a “pregnancy confirmation” document.

Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound at a crisis pregnancy center on Tuesday evening.

When the lawyer told me that Tracy was angry about the money situation, she warned me that Tracy may not show up for her ultrasound.

Tuesday afternoon I received a text from Tracy asking me why we had not paid the lawyer and did we really want this baby?

I replied that we had done everything the lawyer had asked us to do because, of course, we were very excited about this baby.

I never heard back from her and sure enough, Tracy dropped off the radar. No one could make contact with her at all.

It was at this point that we obviously knew something was up and we began to suspect that she might not even be pregnant.

Wednesday passed. Then came Thursday.

Thursday we learned that the crisis center had actually cancelled all the ultrasounds scheduled for that evening because of a bad storm we got that night.

Thursday I received a very unexpected apology text from Tracy. I felt for sure that Tracy had “left town”, but hearing from her made me think that maybe there really was a baby after all.

I just wanted to get to the bottom of all the drama and know one way or the other!

Tracy also made contact with the lawyer and the lawyer set up a meeting with Tracy for Friday morning.

During their meeting the lawyer made Tracy call and reschedule her ultrasound, because, for obvious reasons, we knew this ultrasound was key in knowing if this adoption was over or if we would proceed. At this point, I didn’t know how I was going to survive 5-6 more months of dealing with Tracy drama if there really was a baby!

Tracy knew it was imperative to be at the Monday morning (January 31st) ultrasound.

I was at the appointment right on time. I sent a text to Tracy and told her I had gotten there. She text me back that she was on the way.

Forty-five minutes later, she had still not arrived. I sent Tracy another text and asked her if she was almost there. She said she was and five minutes later, she walked in the clinic door.

While I was waiting, I had spoken to the woman at the front desk and briefly explained the situation. I told her I needed to know TODAY if Tracy is pregnant or not.

Not long after Tracy arrived, she was called back. I was informed they were going to talk to Tracy first and then they would call me back when they were ready to do the ultrasound.

Ten minutes later Tracy walked back out into the waiting room and told me that they could not do an ultrasound on her because she has had ectopic pregnancies in the past.

I immediately stood up and told Tracy, “We have to get an ultrasound today to proceed with this adoption. That does not make sense. I am going back there to talk to them.”

Tracy sat down on a chair and I walked myself through the door and told the woman at the front desk that I had to speak with the lady who had just talked to Tracy.

She said, “Go down the hall and take a left.”

I found the woman and she was on the phone about Tracy with the manager of the crisis center.

She put the manager on hold and I told the woman, “This is the situation. We are not sure she is even pregnant. Drama has been going on for a week now and I NEED for her to have an ultrasound so we can get to the bottom of this. Please help me!”

The woman was very sweet. She asked me if I would talk to the manager. I immediately took the phone and pleaded my case to the manager.

Surprisingly enough, I got the same story that Tracy had just told me.

I understood. Tracy has had ectopic pregnancies in the past. (I do know this is true from official medical records when Tracy was pregnant with Little Bug.) The clinic is not a medical facility so their standard protocol is to not do an ultrasound on any woman who has had an ectopic pregnancy or who has had any bleeding during the pregnancy.

I also learned from the sweet lady at the crisis center that Tracy had said she had had some bleeding, which was another reason they were not giving Tracy an ultrasound.

The manger told me that the crisis pregnancy center could give me the name and number of another place where Tracy could go to get an ultrasound for a charge.

I told the sweet little lady that I needed that information. She gave me the information and I went back out to the waiting room.

Tracy had bolted.

She was no where to be found.

I went ahead and called the contact the crisis center had given me and found myself talking to another sweet lady.

I told her the situation I was in and that I needed an appointment TODAY, if at all possible.

She booked us for a 6:15pm appointment and I hung up with her and immediately dialed Tracy.

Of course, she did not answer.

I called the lawyer to fill her in on what was going on.

She told me she and her office would try all day to get in touch with Tracy and she would call me as soon as she knew anything.

Monday afternoon I received word from the lawyer that she had talked to Tracy and told her through texts that she HAD to go to this appointment at 6:15pm or her rent would not be paid tomorrow and she would not receive another penny from the agency.

Tracy text the lawyer back saying that she “couldn’t make it tonight”.

The lawyer text her back and told her we were done and to never contact her again for anything.

And finally, I had answers. Either Tracy was never pregnant to begin with or Tracy was pregnant, miscarried and was trying to see how far she could go.

When I learned that this was officially over I was sitting on my old bed at my parents’ house.  I had just laid Little Bug down for her nap and was waiting to hear from the lawyer. I heard the news, continued siting on my bed to take a few minutes to process, and then I walked downstairs to the living room where my parents were siting on the couch.

And the tears came.

They were tears of disappointment.

I knew they would come and I knew they would quickly go because ultimately I felt relief and like the weight of the whole world has been lifted off my shoulders. (I have another post coming soon about this.)

And while I can’t hardly believe the drama that transpired over the past week, it is what it is and ultimately I have hope in Jesus Christ.

Satan thinks he won this battle.

But I’ve got news for him.

Satan definitely has a stronghold on Tracy’s life, but on this brand new day, I proclaim to the world that God is good and God is faithful and Something More is coming!

Please don’t view me as a victim!

I am not the victim here. Tracy is.

Satan has a stronghold on her, not me.

I am as free as a bird soaring in the sky.

This is not the end of God’s story.

He’s got plenty still to write and I know it’s going to blow the socks right off my feet.

To God be the glory, great things He has done, is doing and will do.

what is really going on

During my trek down the road of infertility, I have certainly learned that the presence of God is a very real aspect of this journey. He has been my strength, my comfort, my joy and my peace through it all.

I have also realized another very real presence in my life during this journey.

And that is the presence of Satan.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

While God’s plan, from the start, was a marvelous plan that involved a barren womb and an open heart to the miracle of adoption, Satan has sought to steal, kill and destroy the glory God has received through my infertility from day one.

If you find yourself today still sorting through the muck of infertility (or any other trial in your life), please hear me on this:

Your battle is more than a deep pitted desire in the depths of your heart to see two pink lines on the pregnancy test.

If you are a child of God, the battle you find yourself in is between a God who loves you and has a marvelous plan for your life (in spite the circumstances you find yourself in today) and the Evil One of this world who wants to see infertility destroy you so that your God will seem like a fool.

I began to look at my own infertility in a completely different light when I realized that what Satan meant to use to destroy me, God had planned to use the same exact circumstances in my life to perform a miracle!

It’s all about perspective. God’s perspective.

Once I realized that my pain was an opportunity to allow God’s glory to shine through me, it totally changed my perspective on infertility.

Instead of my inability to conceive being on the forefront of my mind, my focus was shifted to waiting in great expectation for the way God was going to take these miserable circumstances and bring glory to His wonderful name.

Satan hated this. Absolutely hated it.

Satan wanted my focus to be on thoughts such as, “Why do I have to go through this? Why is it taking so long? Friend after friend, family member after family member have gotten pregnant, but here I am, still waiting!”

Satan knew if he could keep my focus on these things, he would successfully tear down my hope in the Lord and destroy my trust in God’s perfect plan for my life that actually did include infertility.

Don’t think for a minute that I sailed through those horrible days with a genuine smile on my face and a totally happy, joyful heart! Just go back and read the posts I wrote towards the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009. You will find posts where I was extremely angry that I was going through all that. You will find posts where I felt like all hope was lost.

But you will also find posts where God picked me up out of all the muck and spoke straight to my heart so that I would know there was a greater battle going on that went beyond my desire to be pregnant.

Satan wants to destroy you as you walk this road! Don’t let him! He wants your focus to stay on the depths of your despair.

Don’t allow it!

Choose this day to rise above it all in the power and strength that only God can give you.

Determine to put your perspective on this truth:

Your infertility isn’t just a battle between one line or two on the pregnancy tests. It’s a battle between God and Satan. Satan wants your infertility to wreak havoc on your life while God desires to use your infertility to do something in your life that only He can do so that the world can see Him at work in your life.

Let God do His thing and stand back in amazement at how our God can bring good from bad.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

And really, good isn’t a good enough word to describe what God desires to do.

God will do something in and through your life that the English language cannot adequately describe.

The word that best describes what God has done through my infertility is a miracle.

Actually, make that two miracles.

Small Cardboard Box

I am doing some major reorganization in this house. Going through closets and getting rid of stuff, making room for office stuff to go in the hall closet and hall closet stuff to go in our master closet.

I found some organizational bins today at Wal Mart for $5, put Little Bug to bed tonight and went on an organizational frenzy.

I love going through closets, drawers, cabinets and getting rid of stuff!

Call me crazy, but I love to see stuff leaving my house by the bag load. I hate clutter and I hate things sitting in my house for decades that never get used.

Funny story: Tonight at dinner my parents received a call from Vietnam Veterans asking if they had anything for pick up on Thursday morning. As my dad was saying no, I hollered, “Let me talk to them! I have a bunch of stuff sitting in the garage waiting to go!”

He handed me the phone and the lady switched gears and set up a pick up at my house instead on Thursday morning!

I also hit up my bathroom cabinets under the sink. As Dave put all the stuff that I had put in the overflowing trash can into a trash bag I said with excitement, “Look at that huge bag of trash that was just sitting in our bathroom cabinets! And now it is outta here!”

He just looked at me like I had lost my mind.

As I was rearranging items in our closet to make room for two storage bins I wanted to place in there, I found a small cardboard box in the very corner of the top shelf.

I knew what was in there as soon as I saw it.

It was the left over meds from our IUI and IVF cycles.

I do keep some stuff.

I remember way back when, gathering all the left over meds, needles and syringes and packing them neatly in that small box just in case one day we wanted to venture back into the world of infertility treatments.

I had seen that little box sitting there multiple times over the past year and a half and I was never really ready to get rid of it.

Until tonight.

I pulled it down from the top shelf, walked into the bathroom, sat on the floor and opened the box. Dave walked into the bathroom about that time and sat down next to me. I asked him to help me take my name off the labels.

We sat there, ripping my name and address to shreds and reminisced about that season of our life.

As Dave pulled out an unused package of needles he asked me, “Do you think you could still give yourself shots?”

I told him, “Yes, I think I could.”

One thing (and there are a million things) infertility taught me is that I can do anything I put my mind to…when I find my strength in the Lord.

We finished going through the box and as Dave left with the huge bag of trash, I realized something else.

Getting rid of the contents of that box tonight really does solidify in my mind that I have completely worked through the emotions of never being pregnant and my heart, mind and soul have completely let go of any inkling of hope that I will one day achieve a pregnancy.

It’s all in the past now.

And that is where it will stay. My heart is completely content and thrilled to be throwing all that stuff away tonight.

Yes, I will always be infertile. It is a title I will take with me to the grave, however, my infertility does not define me today.

Oh no, there is much beauty that has come from the ashes of my infertility.

Satan meant for my infertility to steal my joy, to kill and to destroy my spirit. But I stand firm in the Lord tonight, declaring to the world that I am more alive and free than I have ever been in my entire life.

Infertility did not destroy me!

It beat me down, that is for sure.

But I chose to put my faith in the Lord during my darkest hour and I am here to tell you that God is faithful.

I named my blog, God’s Faithfulness Through Infertility because I knew (in my head) when I started walking the road of infertility that God’s faithfulness would pull me through.

Now, I know that in my heart.

To GOD be the glory! Great things He has done.

And is doing.

New Year, New Baby

December 13, 2010, began as a typical Monday morning for Little Bug and me. We woke up, bid Dada good bye as he went off to work, ate breakfast together, cleaned the kitchen, read books, went on a walk, had Independent Playtime and then sat down together again at the table for lunch.

And then at 1:03pm my cell phone rang.

It was the lawyer from my adoption agency. She had some questions to ask me about Little Bug’s birth mother, Tracy.

My heart was racing because I feared she was calling me to tell me Tracy was pregnant. I breathed a sigh of relief because we have just recently decided that around Little Bug’s 2nd birthday will be the perfect time to start the adoption process for #2. And we want our children closer to three years apart rather than two.

So I began to breath again as I answered the questions about Tracy.

And then, my lawyer sucked every bit of air out of my lungs when she proceeded to say, “Well…Tracy is pregnant.”

I said, “WHAT?!?!? She’s pregnant?” as I spooned another helping of mac and cheese onto Little Bug’s tray to keep her occupied as I tried to dog paddle myself to the surface so I could breath again.

The lawyer said, “Yes, she is. About 10 or 11 weeks.”

My next question was, “Does she want to place with us?”

To which I heard, “Yes.”

I asked the lawyer, “So… August? She’s due in August if she is 10 weeks?”

I don’t remember what she told me but as soon as I hung up with her, I went to the calendar on my cellphone and counted the weeks starting with 10 until I got to 40.

And then I subtracted a couple weeks because Tracy tends to deliver at least 2 weeks early.

And I discovered this baby will most likely be born at the end of June or the beginning of July.

I hung up with the lawyer and had this overwhelming urge to pluck Little Bug from her highchair and leave my kitchen in the mess it was from lunch, and hightail it to my parents’ house to share the news.

And then I realized what day it was. December 13th – Christmas was only twelve days away!

I have always dreamed of making a pregnancy announcement at Christmas.  I was hoping Christmas 2007 would be the year my dream would become a reality, but, a few days before Christmas, I tested and got a negative.

I remember shopping with my mom at the mall and trying to keep the tears at bay. I failed and I knew I must look a sight walking around the mall three days before Christmas with tears rolling down my face.

I stopped dead in my tracks of plucking Little Bug out of the highchair to rush to my parents’ and instead began formulating the Grandest Christmas Surprise of All for my family and Dave’s family on Christmas Day.

And then I realized something else.

I could surprise my husband too, which is hard to do when it comes to growing your family through adoption.

After Little Bug’s nap we headed to the store to find a particular item: a BIG SISTER onesie.

I envisioned her wearing it when her Daddy got home from work with me in the background waiting to see how long it would take for him to notice the shirt and understand it’s message.

After trekking to not one but four stores in about an hour’s time and finding only LITTLE SISTER onesies I gave up when Dave called and said he was on his way home from work.

I told him I was out running some errands. When I told him specifically where we were, he asked if I wanted to meet at our favorite restaurant for dinner.

We walked in as I was trying to figure out how I was going to creatively break the news to Dave using only the English language with no prop.

Turns out Dave set the stage beautifully and I ran with it.

We sat down with our food, got Little Bug situated, said the prayer and began eating.

Then Dave asked, “So, what were you shopping for?”

I said, “Oh, just a BIG SISTER onesie for Little Bug.”

I looked up to see my husband looking at me with this shocked, strange, bewildered look on his face as the wheels in his head were spinning at top-notch speed as he tried to figure out why in the world I would need to buy our daughter a BIG SISTER onesie.

Finally, I gave him a clue.

“I’m not pregnant, but someone else is.”

He’s a smart man. He immediately said, “Tracy?”

And I said, “Yes.”

And then Little Bug threw up.

I am not kidding.

She got choked up on something she was eating which made her lose some of her dinner.

We spent the remainder of the time cleaning up puke and our child while discussing the news at hand.

I called the lawyer back two days later to tell her if Tracy wants to place with us and if we can get all the details in order, we want this baby.

From the time Little Bug was still a teeny weeny baby, I have felt that God wasn’t done with Tracy and us yet. I didn’t necessarily think another baby would be involved, but I’ve had this feeling for over a year now that God would somehow bring her back into our lives for some specific purpose.

Looking back, God started preparing my heart for this back in October – which was the month this baby was conceived.

If you remember, it was during the month of October that I posted Journey to #2. During the time God was creating another life in the womb of Tracy, God was preparing my heart to once again surrender to the will of God and go with His perfect plan.

In October, God also gave me a serene sense of peace. I found myself starting to worry about the logistics and emotions of another adoption in the future.

And then I remembered my journey to Little Bug. God carried me every step of the way. My plan had been pregnancy while His plan was adoption. His plan was greater than my wildest dreams!

And I knew on that October day that God was asking me, “Elaine, do you think I am going to leave you now to figure things out on your own?”

I knew then and I know now that the answer was (and still is!) no. I knew God already had a plan for #2 and I knew it would be better than anything I could plan for myself. Little did I know at that time that #2 was already conceived and on his or her way!

And so on that October day, I put my faith in the Lord again and chose to live in complete surrender to God and to trust His plan for my life.

Such a freeing place to be!

I lived paranoid during the seven weeks we were awaiting the birth of Little Bug. I was constantly fearful of everything imaginable.

I refuse to live that way for the next six to seven months.

When my mind rolls with worries (because I know it will!) I know God is telling me to take one step at a time. I cannot look at the big picture of this whole journey ahead of me. If I do, I will send myself into cardiac arrest.

One step at a time.

The emotions swimming in my head since December 13th are as numerous as the stars.

I am completely humbled that God would pour out this blessing on me. I am scared to go through this again. I am excited that Little Bug is going to be a big sister to a biological sibling. I am apprehensive about having two children, 25 months apart. I am shocked that it happened this fast…again. I know that I am incredibly blessed to adopt twice in 2 years and to have never been on the wait list. I am so excited that I have no idea if this baby is a girl or boy. I am elated that God has brought Tracy back into our lives for another season because I am hopeful that God is going to use us to minister to Tracy and show her God’s Love.

Overall, the next six to seven months are going to be one wild ride but, I am at peace.

It’s time for another journey of faith to #2!

bigsis

Thankfulness 2010

I can’t believe it is already November. This year has possibly gone by faster than any other year of my life. It does seen the older I get, the faster the years fly but this year beats all.

I did start this year out with a baby that lay in one spot on the floor and played with toys. And I am ending this year with a little girl who is daily saying more and more words and who never stays in one spot longer than five minutes.

Much has changed throughout this year. I have learned, as I have gotten older, that change really is the only constant in life.

While change and I usually aren’t the best of friends (because I like stability and predictability and change always has a way of swiping those out of the picture), I am extremely thankful for one change in my life – because it has literally changed my life forever.

I’m thankful for the endometriosis that has made me unable to conceive.

Because of my endometriosis my heart was opened to adoption. Without infertility, I highly doubt I would have given adoption the time of day and I would have missed out on one of the greatest miracles on earth.

Because of my endometriosis my heart has been filled with compassion for anyone going through what I went through. God has given me a platform to minister to people (mainly via my blog) in a way I would not have been able to before going through infertility myself.

Because of my endometriosis God taught me what Jeremiah 29:11 really means. Before infertility, I knew God had a plan for my life, but I didn’t know what that meant when God’s plan did not match mine. Jeremiah 29:11 means that, even when things don’t go according to the way I have planned them in my head, God’s way is always perfect and best. Still not being pregnant after 8 months of trying certainly wasn’t in my plan. Just like doing four IUI cycles and having them all fail and having surgery to remove endometriosis wasn’t in my plan. And being told IVF wouldn’t work for me either was the furthest thing from my mind. But God, in His Sovereignty, took all of that and wove it into the beautiful Miracle of Little Bug.

Because of my endometriosis I know how to get back up after a blow that knocks you to your knees and keep moving forward. With each failure, God taught me that I could not stay down for long because He was working His perfect plan in my life and He required me to keep going and to not throw in the towel of my faith or my trust in Him.

Because of my endometriosis I know I serve a faithful God. True to His word, His plans were better than anything I had imagined for myself. What could be better than Little Bug?

DSCN6446

God used endometriosis to bring me Little Bug.

I am forever thankful for endometriosis.

National Infertility Awareness Week

Although I consider my infertility days behind me, I am still an infertile and always will be. While I am not childless and am not going through infertility treatments at the moment (or ever again, for that matter!), infertility is always something that will go with me wherever I go in life.

And perhaps there will always be situations where I will ask God, “Why her and not me?” Like just yesterday when Dave, Little Bug and I were out for a walk in the neighborhood.

We live in a quiet neighborhood. The only noise comes from the house in the far corner. We call that the “Party House”. The garage of “Party House” has been made into a pool hall/TV room complete with a huge big screen TV, beer refrigerator, surround sound (You know, so the whole entire neighborhood can hear the game that is on. Thanks!?) and comfy couches.

The owner of this house lives there with his live-in girlfriend who we refer to as “The Harlot”. Harlot has this little dog whom she allows to roam the neighborhood and dig up people’s freshly planted flowers. (I know, because this dog came into our yard not half an hour after I had planted beautiful lilies in the front flower bed. I had gone inside and was sitting in the office which has a window that looks out into this flower bed and the front yard. And what did I see? Yes, that pesky little dog was in the flower bed digging up ALL the flowers I had just planted.)

A few months ago Harlot and her dog no longer seemed to be at the “Party House”. We figured they had broken up. But then, over the past couple of weeks or so, we noticed they were back.

Well, on our walk yesterday we think we figured out what just might have happened…

As we were walking down the street from our house towards the “Party House” we noticed this woman walking down the street. I noticed her rounding belly right away and turned to Dave and said, “Is that the Harlot?” He said, “I think so.” We smiled and waved as we walked by her and then after we passed her I turned to Dave again and asked, “Is she pregnant???”

She is most definitely about 4 or 5 months pregnant.

We walked a little further and then said, “Hmm. Guess that’s why she disappeared for a while. Guess they worked things out after the shock of a baby on the way.”

Why her?

Here is where I have to make the choice I talked about in one of my Q&A posts.

I can choose to continue asking why and focus on the unfairness of an unmarried couple not desiring to conceive be able to conceive by having sex, like normal people do.

Or I can look at the big picture here.

Sure it would be nice to be able to decide that I want to have a baby and try a couple months and then actually be pregnant minus all the heartache and disappointment that comes along with infertility.

It would be nice to know another huge chunk of money does not stand between us and our second child. It would be nice to know that around the time Little Bug turned two, we could start trying for #2 and he or she would arrive around Little Bug’s 3rd birthday.

That would all be nice. But it is just not the path God has called us too.

Instead, He has called us to live in surrender to our own desires for His. And He has required us to completely put our faith and trust in Him when we even consider thinking about adding to our family one day. I think God draws people to Himself by requiring this kind of surrender and trust in a certain area of life – for us, it is our fertility and the lack of it.

For when we are weak, it is then that we are strong in Him.

Would I choose to be fertile now?

No.

As much as I hate my infertility, I love it because through my weaknesses God has taken it all and created something beautiful.

He showed me what it really means to walk by faith daily. To really put your complete trust in Him because you literally had no other options. That is a very humbling, scary and exciting place to be – all at the same time.

It is something to know God is taking the ugly circumstances of your life and is making a beautiful masterpiece for the world to see.

God did that. He took my infertility and performed The Miracle of Little Bug while the world looked on (via this blog).

As time moves forward I know one day I’ll be back at square one. I’ll be longing for another child and wondering how in the world it will happen, given the circumstances.

But then I’ll put my faith in the Lord and trust Him once again for another miracle.

Infertility goes with me every step of the way from here on out, but so does the awesome power of my God.

April 9, 2009

When walking the road of infertility you often just want to know when is all this pain, heartache and disappointment just going to end and why do I have to go through all this?

I received the answer to both of those questions one year ago today … April 9th, 2009.

I knew in my heart all along that God did have a magnificent plan in all our struggles with infertility. I was just waiting for the day for God to reveal that plan to us.

One year ago today I went to the adoption agency to turn in our paperwork and heard these incredible words: “We had an adoption fall through last week, if you want a baby in June you can have one!”

After a whirlwind of transitioning from an infertility treatments mindset to a I-am-going-to-FINALLY-be-a-Mommy-in-TWO-months mindset, Little Bug was born 48 days after I walked into the adoption agency.

I knew I was witnessing a miracle that God had orchestrated from the very beginning of my infertility journey. He knew this was the direction we were headed. I had no clue adoption was in our future as we first started trying to conceive in August 2007. I could only trust God to lead and direct my path.

And He most certainly did. God orchestrated the events that brought us Little Bug as only HE could do.

All the pain, tears and monthly disappointments were because God’s Plan wasn’t a biological child for us. He had Something More planned.

He orchestrated The Miracle of Little Bug and one year from that April day I continue to stand in amazement of His faithfulness.

God is forever faithful.

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that Sunday morning

This Sunday a year ago I had an appointment to go see what my ovaries were up to. I’d been giving myself shots for over a week to stimulate my ovaries to produce enough follicles for our IVF cycle.

I was a little nervous getting on to that table to be examined because just a few days ago I had been up there and we had not seen much action at all. My RE increased the dosage of meds I was to receive over the next few days and he told me not to worry.

We were all hoping to see much action going on in those little ovaries that Sunday morning.

But it just wasn’t to be.

There was one lone follicle who I later named The Lone Ranger.

Not only did we learn that this cycle was a bust, but we learned future IVF cycles would most likely yield the same or very similar outcomes as this one had. In other words, my dream for pregnancy and childbirth was dying more and more with every single word the RE was saying.

One of the first thoughts to go through my head was, How can this be? I am only 27 years old. How can my ovaries be shot already?

I was shocked, confused and scared.

I felt like my world was completely out of control and there was nothing I could do to stop the chaos.

For a moment, I was angry at God and could not understand why He would bring us to this horrible place.

But even in that darkest hour, God knew just what He was doing as my mind tried to process that horrifying news.

God knew that in only 80 days from that Sunday morning, I would be doing this:

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And now, 365 days removed from that Sunday morning, I am so thankful that God is in control of everything and I live in constant awe of God’s perfect, amazing plan that gave me one of my greatest blessings of all in life.

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Thank you God for blessing us with this precious little girl!