Faith

It’s late. I should be in bed. Or I should atleast be working on the scrapbook I am making my Grandmother for her 80th birthday, which is Tuesday. But I can’t concentrate on anything until I sort through today.

FAITH.

Just having faith and believing it will happen is what’s on my heart today.

All the other cycles, and especially the last cycle, I guarded my heart by not getting my hopes too high that I would get positive blood test results. Sounds silly, I know. Why go through all I go through each month to get ready for an insemination. All the drugs, doctor visits, ultrasounds, semen collections, shots, emotional roller coasters just to wait 2-weeks expecting nothing.

I do firmly believe, however, that the purpose of Cycles 1, 2 and 3 was not pregnancy but something far greater.

The work of Jesus Christ is clearly evident as you go back and read previous posts. This is one of the main reasons I started this blog. From the very beginning of this journey I knew God would use my circumstances to do something marvelous. He is definitely doing something marvelous, even now. And I wanted a way to record what He did and is doing.

From the start, I’ve known this is a journey, a pilgrimage. Meaning, I won’t be in these circumstances forever. Somehow, someway, I will be a mother because it is one of the greatest desires of my heart. It’s the somehow and someway that is the hard part because I don’t have the ending of this story…yet. But I know Who holds the writing tablet.

God is a faithful God. I look back on other trials in my life (that now pale in comparison to this one) and I clearly see how God faithfully brought me through the trial. He has never brought me to a trial and left me there. No, trials are meant to be the greatest teachers. It is through trials we learn Who God is and that He has a perfect plan unique just to you.

Alesha (who also had her IUI today) wrote a post a couple days ago about tunnels. That precisely describes trials in our life. In the middle of the tunnel it can be very dark and scary. Yet, He is still there by our side. He has promised never to leave us. He has promised to walk with us. But as time passes, you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. The trial, like the tunnel, is temporary, but the lessons learned while going through the tunnel (trial) are invaluable.

With each cycle I’ve gone through I can look back and see something God wanted to teach me.

Today I can’t stop dwelling on FAITH. The Bible clearly tells us what faith is. It is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. It takes faith to accept God’s free gift of salvation. I’ve accepted God’s free gift of salvation no questions asked. No doubts. I KNOW where I will spend eternity and never do I have to worry.

I feel it is time to have FAITH that I AM PREGNANT!

Allow me to be honest and say that is a scary thing to write. It is so tempting just to move the curser up there and tap, tap, tap the delete button until those words disappear. Each cycle, I’ve always been cautiously optimistic. I’ve guarded myself by allowing myself to hope but then always keeping negative results in the back of my head.

I’m going to take a risk. And I am NOT a risk-taker. At all.

I am going to step out on faith, FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST, and believe that Baby was created TODAY! No more doubts, no more worries. I am just going to BELIEVE.

I know, I know, I could potentially be setting myself up for complete heartbreak.

But it’s ok.

If it is not so, I think I’ve learned my lesson well.

God will have something even better than positive blood test results.

GOD IS FAITHFUL.

Tired of all the Drama

Today was one of those days where the burden of going through treatments just wears me down.

This cycle has been so different from the other three. So fast. And, consequently, more stressful than the others because everything that has had to come together for this cycle to happen, has had to come together in under a week!

Even though it has been very stressful on me, I have sensed the Hand of God on every aspect of this cycle…the oral drugs, the injections, the follicles and the sperm.

It’s all coming together and it looks like we will be inseminating again on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning.

At the ultrasound this morning Dr. L said there is a 17mm and 11mm in the left ovary and a 13mm in the right ovary. I will have 2 more vials of menopur tonight to help that 13mm follicle hopefully do some more growing and catch up. Then tomorrow night I will have the hCG shot to induce ovulation.

Technically, this is not the results we were looking for for this cycle. This was supposed to be a megastimulation cycle with the hopes of having 3 or 4 follicles ovulate. Dr. L seems to think that with another day of menopur we’ll have 2 follicles ready to ovulate…even so, not the results I was hoping for.

But, you know, I think of the prayer I prayed on Day One of this cycle…

God, I give this cycle to you. You know everything that needs to come together. You know how many sperm and You know how many eggs. And this time I am going to come before you daily and pray my heart’s desire… that You would choose to let it happen this cycle. Because of everything You have taught me since August 4th, I can rest assured, knowing if You do not choose to let it happen, it is ok. You just have something better planned. Since August of 2007, this journey has been nothing but amazing. I stand waiting with great expectation of what You will do next. To God be the glory. Amen!

Two follicles must be enough!

I started thinking today, How in the world does anyone go through something like this without Christ? Talk about a feeling of hopelessness! Then I was thinking that just because I have Christ through this trial in my life doesn’t mean I won’t have days of frustration and tears…like today.

The difference is HOPE…hope in Jesus Christ. What a gift. What a precious gift.

I leave you with a picture of my “Faith Rocking Chair”. My mom is knitting, stitch by stitch, a “Faith Blanket” that we will wrap our baby in before even leaving the hospital. Yesterday, my neighbor was having a garage sale and this rocking chair was for sale. I bought it and now it sits in the bedroom that will one day be the nursery.

100_3696

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

One day I WILL rock my baby, swaddled in the “Faith Blanket”, in the “Faith Rocking Chair”!!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY