First, I must preface this post with this statement:
I am not pregnant.
I know you already know that – but you will understand why I had to say that by the time you finish reading this post.
I’ve compared this journey to a roller coaster ride of many ups and downs. What I am about to say is … (I can’t come up with a word that adequately describes.)
You know what happened Wednesday. (Blood work day. Veins wouldn’t cooperate so they give me a urine pregnancy test, which was negative.)
They gave me orders to go get blood work done at Quest later on in the same day. I said, “I won’t go be poked again. I’ll just go home and wait for the period. If it doesn’t come, then I’ll go.”
So Wednesday comes and goes. No period.
Thursday. Still nothing.
Friday. I’m officially late.
Anyone going through this knows that even when there is a glimmer of hope that you may possibly be pregnant, you still remain guarded until you know for sure.
But by Friday I was allowing myself to think things like:
Is this the beautiful masterpiece that God had planned all along? That I would get negative results and days later test positive and actually have been pregnant all along?
I couldn’t help but imagine being able to surprise people with the news that I was pregnant! One of the biggest disappointments for me in fertility treatments is that there is no way to surprise people with the news of pregnancy. Unless, of course, you choose to keep the procedures quiet and not even tell people you are going through them. To me, that isn’t an option. The prayer support is a necessity when you are going through something like this.
Friday, while I was with the twins, I called T and told her here it was Friday and I had still not started. She told me to come in Saturday morning and she would do a blood test on me.
Around lunchtime I had some brownish, pinkish spotting.
Implantation spotting? But on Day 16 after ovulation? Typically implantation spotting is between days 6-12 after ovulation.
I called T back. She told me she would talk to Dr. L and call me.
When she called back, she told me Dr. L said it could possibly be implantation spotting.
By last night I was beginning to let myself believe this actually might be so.
Late period, implantation spotting and not feeling like I was going to start my period in the least bit.
Put all that together, mixed with a great desire that it be so, and I was more hopeful than ever this morning as we drove to the doctor’s for the blood work. I couldn’t wait to be able to tell everyone!
We walked into the doctor’s office and T was there to draw my blood.
She told us it would take about 20 minutes to run the test.
Tina let us stay with her as she ran the test. She explained the process to us. There were different phases. Finally, it was the last phase.
There was a printer that would print out the numbers and give the results. T was just as anxious as we were. When it was almost ready to spit out my results T went over there to the machine and just stared at the paper as it printed.
Meanwhile, Dave and I stood together a few feet away. My heart was pounding so hard. I remember thinking, “Maybe the nerves I feel would be how I would feel if I had to stand up and give a speech before thousands like the president has to.” Then I said, “T, when you see the number just tell me. Even if it’s not positive.”
It was seconds later when I heard T say, “No.” and she put her head down against the machine. I said, “No?” and burst into tears.
T hugged me like my Mama would have had she been there and I will always be grateful for that.
I think you could very easily say that this is possibly my greatest disappointment in life so far. I cannot explain to you the emotions of shock and confusion I felt upon hearing the word no.
But at the same time, I could not focus on the dream of today’s possibilities being flushed, once again, down the drain. Instead, my mind was flooded with the promises of God’s Word.
His Grace is sufficient. (2 Corn. 12:9-10)
I trust in the Lord. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
God has a plan and purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11)
I must be strong and courageous, for God is with me wherever I go. (Joshua 1:9)
As I sit and reflect back on the sequence of events over the past few days, it would be so easy to allow myself to believe God has played a cruel joke on us!
But I know in my heart that is not the God I serve.
I serve a loving God and I still believe He has something way better than even the potential scenario of today planned for us.
And today, I do hold this one piece of my jigsaw puzzle and wonder how in the world this could possibly fit into my masterpiece.
And then I think, “It’s a good thing it is not up to me to figure this one out!”
That’s God’s job and He is more than capable.
I will meet with Dr. L on Tuesday, October 28 at 9:00am. to discuss our next step. I will also have an ultrasound to see if there can be any medical explanation of the ordeal.
Pray for wisdom and discernment for Dr. L as we are at a crossroad and many decisions must be made.
Pray also that Dave and I will be obedient and listen to God as He shows us what’s next.
It is well with my soul.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7