five years

I realized the other day that it’s been five years since we were going through all our infertility treatments.

FIVE years. In some ways I can close my eyes and catapulted myself back into that time and feel like I am still in the middle of it all. And in other ways, it feels like that time of my life was a lifetime ago.

For the most part that time seems long ago, but I don’t think there will ever come a time when I won’t be able to easily go back in time and feel like I am in the middle of it all. I will forever remember that season of my life. That time of my life was monumental to who I am today. God used those years and the experience of going through those treatments to mold me into who He wanted me to be today. That time was truly life-changing for me.

Life is so different now than it was back in those days. I try to remember how I spent my time. My house was immaculately clean. I do know that much. There wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere and cleaning the blinds was on the weekly cleaning list.

I still haven’t cleaned the blinds in our house and we’ve been in it almost 6 months now!

It’s funny how priorities, goals and life in general changes as time goes by. Cleaning the blinds is just no longer on my priority list, and I’m so thankful. Not because I disliked cleaning the blinds. With a Swiffer duster, it is actually kinda fun and easy to clean blinds.

But I’m thankful because it means my focus is elsewhere. On my daughters.

The little girls that, five years ago, it seemed they would never be. It is hard to sometimes go back to those desperate times when I wondered if I would ever be a mother. Maybe because in all honesty never becoming a mother just didn’t seem like an option for me. I truthfully believed that I would one day be a mother.

Up until that fateful day on the examination table in the doctor’s office when we learned our IVF cycle wasn’t working quite like we had hoped, I believed one day I would see those two pink lines.

I figured we were just having to go the long route to finally see them. But, eventually, they would be there.

I sometimes wonder if we had continued trudging along on the infertility treatment path, would we have eventually seen those two pink lines?

It is really a mute point because God lead us elsewhere and the what ifs truly don’t matter because we received God’s perfect plan and there is nothing more amazing than that.

Looking back on that time five years ago, I am so thankful God brought us through those treatments and taught us what He did, and then put a stop to them when He did. I am not sure how much more I could have physically and emotionally taken.

The road of adoption certainly wasn’t a cake walk, but strangely enough, it was a breath of fresh air once we knew the treatments were over. Sure I still had to mourn the loss of pregnancy and a biological child, but knowing the treatments were behind us was such a relief.

I am five years removed from that time in my life. It is not even something I think about every day anymore. It is a season of my life that I remember and always will remember. But I am no longer living those days. I have not forgotten that, for some people, maybe someone reading this blog right now, they are living these days every single day.

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. The pain of desiring a child and not becoming pregnant month after month after month when everyone else around you seems to become pregnant so easily is so very hard. I remember the pain of those days. I remember not being able to go to baby showers because it hurt too much and I was fearful I would start crying in the middle of someone else’s celebration. I remember being happy for others who became pregnant but inside it felt like a knife had just stabbed me in my side. I remember falling to a heap on the floor and weeping when we’d get another call that another treatment had not worked. I remember being angry when thinking about all the money we were spending just to attempt pregnancy. I remember feeling angry at my body because it wasn’t working right to be able to conceive.

I remember…

I also remember everything that God taught me during that trial in my life. It’s too much to even begin to type it all out into one little paragraph on this blog post. But, I remember when I started to realize that all this suffering and pain wasn’t about me. It was about God and what He wanted to do in and through my life so that others could see that God did this; not man. I remember when I realized I had a choice to make: was I going to choose to put my trust in God or choose to be angry and bitter about the less than ideal circumstances that I was currently dealing with in my life? I remember when God’s Word (the Bible) spoke to me as I read Jeremiah 29:11 and I knew that I could trust God to keep those promises for me, too. He did have plans for my future, plans that would prosper me and not harm me, plans that would bring me hope and a future. I remember clinging to the words in that verse as if my life depended on it. And, really, my life did depend on it. I was at the bottom of the barrel of hope and those words revived my soul and gave me true hope that can only be found in Jesus Christ. I remember when my outlook on my circumstances changed and I stopped thinking woe-is-me-thoughts and started thinking, Ok, God, how are you going to use all this for your glory!? I am a willing vessel. Use me! Show the world you are God.

I remember…

And then, how could I ever forget what God did next? I can’t and I won’t as long as I ever live.

I will never forget working on our adoption paperwork with renewed hope and expectation that God was going to do something marvelous. I will never forget walking into the adoption agency and then texting my husband moments later, Do you want to be a daddy in June?! I will never forget our first meeting with Little Bug’s birth mother sitting there at the adoption agency. The nerves were high on both ends, but as we talked, there was such tremendous peace. I will never forget walking into that delivery room just in time to see Little Bug enter this world. Poor Tracy had delivered naturally and she was still screaming in pain saying that hurt more than anything she had ever done, but she still had the presence of mind to ask the doctor to let me cut the cord. Such a beautiful gift she gave me to be there at the birth of Little Bug. And I remember what it felt like for Little Bug to be placed in my arms for the very first time. Arms that were once empty were completely full with the expectation that this baby girl was going to be my little girl, always and forever.

And then, not two years later, we found ourselves in the adoption process again! Pregnancy came hard for us (they never came!), but adoptions seemed to just fall in our laps. It was a very clear reminder to me that when God has a plan, He brings it to fruition in His time and in His way. Within two years I became the mother of two little girls.

I remember holding both of my daughters for the first time, one of them still hooked up to all the NICU machines, and just thinking, So this is what my infertility was all about?! God wanted to perform these miracles and He used my broken womb to do so! Wow.

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In those moments all the pain and heartache of infertility made sense. We serve a God that is BIG and desires to do BIG things in our lives, if we are surrendered and allow Him to do His work in our lives. I didn’t go in to the details about how we were matched with our daughters’ birth mothers but each story is a clear picture of the hand of God at work in the lives of everyone involved. He alone is the one who orchestrated the adoptions of my daughters. I had nothing to do with it, except the fact that I surrendered to His plan laying on that examination table. He did the rest and I just happened to have front row seats to the show.

Five years removed from infertility and I can honestly say it is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I still have a broken reproductive system. I don’t need a pregnancy to feel complete. I can sit among a group of women talking about pregnancy and childbirth and not feel like I need to escape now. God has done a work in my life only He could do and I am just so thankful.

If you are reading this and going through infertility or some other trial, there is a purpose that goes beyond you. God desires to do something marvelous in your life! Something beyond anything you can see at this moment. You see hopelessness and despair but God sees a miracle waiting to unfold. God takes bad and makes good as only He can do.

Let the work God has done in and through my battle with infertility serve to bring you hope today.

To God be the glory!

This radically changed my life

Today is April 20th, 2012. I’ve always liked the date April 20th. No real reason, really. I know that is odd, but…I like this date. I always thought it would be cool for my first child to be born on April 20th.

Last year, on April 20th, we had been waiting for six weeks for our profile to be shown to the woman expecting a baby in June. For six weeks we had waited to hear that Susan, the lawyer, was finally going to be showing the woman the collection of 3-4 family profiles she had for her to choose from. During those six weeks I had formed a strange sort of friendship with Rebecca, who was one of the 3-4 families waiting to hear if she had been chosen by this woman to parent her baby, or not.

April 20th was finally the day we had both been anxiously waiting for. Would she pick me? Would she pick Rebecca’s family? Or some other family?

Ended up, she picked no family because she decided she didn’t want to work with Susan anymore.

I remember like yesterday Susan telling me over the phone, “I don’t expect to ever hear from her again.”

And just like that, I assumed that this just wasn’t the baby God had for us.

If you’ve been reading here for more than a year now, you know that baby was our baby – our Sweet Pea – and just 22 days later on May 12th, through circumstances that were beyond our control, we were officially matched with this woman named Melody who three months later gave birth to Sweet Pea.

What’s the point of this post? Well, I have several friends who are in the waiting stage right now. Exactly where I was one year ago today.

Waiting to be matched. Waiting to be chosen.

I clearly remember my thinking through that whole process and how God radically changed my perspectives on waiting and clearly taught me that He is in control.

I had thoughts such as Well, if this woman has dark hair/dark eyes, she will probably pick Rebecca’s family. But if she is light hair/blue eyes, she will probably pick my family. When making our family profile to be presented to this woman, I remember second-guessing what I had included in there wondering if it would give us less of a chance of being chosen.

And then, like light pierces darkness and totally and completely changes things and reveals the unseen, God began a work in my heart.

That work was to teach me a profound truth about Himself. The truth that He is in control.

I began to clearly see and understand that if this baby was the baby God had to join our family nothing would keep Him from placing this baby with us. Absolutely nothing.

There really was nothing to worry about!!!

There was such freedom in that truth. I didn’t have to sit and think and contemplate what our chances were of being chosen. If this was our baby, we would be chosen. Plain and simple.

Except, we were not chosen, but that was our baby!

God spoke that truth into my heart that He is in control, but then He went a step further and played out that truth in my life through the circumstances that brought Sweet Pea into our life.

As long as I live I will never ever forget the moment in time when I realized that I was sitting, once again, in the midst of another of God’s miracles.

It was the afternoon when Dave and I sat in the car on a conference call with Emily and I realized that the woman Emily was speaking to us about was the exact same woman Susan had been working with prior to April 20th.

It was a surreal moment for me. Sitting there in the car God had made it crystal clear to me that He is in control because there was no way on Earth I could have orchestrated the events that lead Melody to leave Susan and call up Emily days later and meanwhile, have me call Emily during that same exact time to tell her we were ready to start the process to adopt our second child.

I seriously felt like I was standing (sitting) on Holy Ground that day.

We hung up with Emily and I was absolutely speechless. All I could do was allow silent tears to flow down my face as I marveled in the Sovereignty of God.

All that thinking and worrying I had done truly was so meaningless and a waste of time!! The whole time God was in control.

If you are waiting today, take heart!

God is in control of your situation, too. He is orchestrating something beautiful for those who believe in His plans and trust that His ways are higher and better.

Stop the wondering and worrying if your profile is up to par. Stop comparing yourself to other families who are also waiting. Just stop because…God is in control and nothing is going to stop Him from carrying out His plan for you.

Wait on the Lord and in His Time He will move. (Ouch. I know that hurt. I hated hearing that while waiting, but, it is SO very true and something we need to remind ourselves when we are in God’s waiting room.)

Find rest today in the fact that God is fighting for you and He is in control.

Always in complete control.

If you allow your mind to truly grasp what that means, it will radically change your life, as it has mine.

reflections

I spent some time today going back in my blog and reading posts from February of last year – the month after everything happened with Tracy and the month before things started happening with Sweet Pea.

It was so interesting to me to read what I wrote in February because most of my posts centered around acknowledging that God is in control of our second adoption journey and the realization that I just needed to sit back and wait in great expectation for God to do another miracle.

I had no idea of knowing what God was going to start doing on March 8th when my friend Jennifer text me about an adoption situation, wondering if we would be interested.

During the months of waiting to see if we would be matched with this birth mother, the lessons God desired to teach me were all about the fact that GOD was in control of everything and nothing I did or didn’t do would change the outcome.

God had it all under control, even though at the time, there was a lot of waiting involved and a lot of uncertainty on my end.

It just amazes me how God prepares our hearts for what is to come. He planted these seeds in my heart in February knowing in March and until I had Sweet Pea in my arms in August, I would need to hang on knowing that God was in control.

If you have some time, go back and read my posts from February of last year. The words I wrote astound me because I had no idea what God was about to do.

When we find ourselves in a situation where we can’t see the big picture and we don’t have access to all the details, we must remember that God sees it all. He has planned it all. And not only that, He has something good in store, even if it looks like you’ve been deserted in left field.

He is there. Right beside you. And when the right time comes, He will start to reveal the big picture and you too will one day be able to look back on these days of only having just a fraction of the puzzle pieces and you will be able to see the big picture and know that God was in control of every single detail even when it seemed like everything was so uncertain.

It is strange to me that six months have already passed since Sweet Pea’s birth. On the day she turned 6 months old, around noon on that day, I remembered what happened at that exact moment. I believe it was actually a minute until noon and Emily called to tell me Sweet Pea had been born at 7:55am that morning.

The journey that had begun on March 8th – and, really, I guess you could say our official second adoption journey began on December 13, 2010, with Emily’s phone call that Tracy was pregnant – came to a close on August 4th when we jumped in the car and drove the 1.5 hours to go meet our second daughter after the TPR had been signed.

I guess reaching this point – 6 months after our second adoption in 2 years – makes me want to sit back and reflect upon the faithfulness of God through both of our adoptions.

It also takes me way back to September of 2008, the month I saw my first of countless negative pregnancy tests.

Those were my days of having only a fraction of the puzzle pieces. I couldn’t see the big picture which means there were many very hard days as I saw my dream slip away and I was powerless to do anything to change the circumstances I found myself in.

It sounds so cliché, I know, but God was in control. He had a beautiful journey laid out before me.

I am just standing in awe of all this today – and every day.

And thanking God, once again, that His plans were not mine.

God is Sovereign

Sometimes during my time with the Lord, I like to go back and read my journals.

Today I found something I wrote on April 28th, 2011 – a week after we learned that the woman working with Susan had decided not to place through her and about a week before I called Emily and figured out this woman had left Susan and called Emily!

Here is what I wrote:

God is sovereign.

That statement alone is the foundation of my complete trust in Him.

He created everything, He controls everything. And His Plans for my life are beautiful.

There was a day that I did not know of the work God was doing to bring me a little miracle.

Any day before April 9th, 2009, I did not know what God was going to do.

By my faith in God I was able to say things like…”God must have Something More” (in reference to all our failed infertility treatments), “I wait in great expectation of what God is going to do.” and “God is faithful still.”

And on April 9th, 2009, God started letting me in on His miracle and it WAS better than anything I had imagined.

As we now have really started our journey to #2, I am at that same place again …

Trusting God and expecting something better than my wildest dreams.

Because that is just how the God I serve works!

His ways are higher, His love is deeper.

And He is Sovereign.

Something else amazing God did with that situation in March.

Besides the fact that God wanted to teach me a good lesson that HE is in control, God used this recent adoption opportunity to do something absolutely amazing in the life of my friend, Brooke.

When Brooke and her husband, Mike, started trying to conceive, it was not happening right away and so they felt like God was leading them to adopt. As they were getting their adoption paperwork filled out, Brooke learned she was pregnant.

That pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Brooke and Mike were devastated but they jumped right back into the adoption process.

Within four months time, Mike and Brooke went through a miscarriage, a failed adoption (birth mother chose to parent after giving birth) and another failed adoption because the birth mother was a con artist.

Soon after the second failed adoption, Brooke learned she was pregnant again. At a doctor’s appointment, Brooke was told she would likely miscarry this baby as well because of a hormone deficiency.

But in the fall of 2004, their beautiful daughter, Selah, entered the world and their dreams of parenthood came true.

When Seleh was two years old, Brooke became pregnant again and gave birth to their handsome son, Tobias.

A little over a year ago, Brooke and Mike decided to add to their family again and started trying to conceive.

Brooke and Mike’s 10th wedding anniversary was in August of 2010 and they went away on a trip together hoping God would open Brooke’s womb that month.

But Brooke did not get pregnant that month and month after month, the pregnancy tests all continued to be negative. Brooke went to the doctor and after some tests, she was advised to not get pregnant again because it was too risky for her health.

God opened their hearts to adoption in December of 2010.

During one of my conversations with the lawyer about the situation we were pursuing, the lawyer informed me that she had a situation and she was really having a hard time finding an adoptive family for her baby. The lawyer asked me if I knew of anyone who might be interested in this opportunity.

Immediately, Brooke popped into my mind! I told the lawyer I would contact Brooke about the situation. The lawyer told me to call her back immediately with Brooke’s contact information if they were interested.

Within a matter of hours, Brooke had told me to give the lawyer her contact information, the lawyer had called and spoken to Brooke about the situation and Brooke had been able to even call and speak to the woman!

And just like that … Mike and Brooke were matched!

And you know what?

Can you guess when this baby was conceived?

Yep … August 2010!

God had not opened Brooke’s womb during that month they had so hoped He would.

But a baby, who would become their daughter through the miracle of adoption, had been conceived in August 2010!

Baby Elise is due on May 20, 2011, but for medical reason her birth mother will be induced on May 12th.

eliseBaby Elise at 32 weeks

Brooke’s story is another beautiful story of heartache and redemption — for both her and this brave woman who is with child.

God’s purpose for me in that opportunity we were presented with in March was twofold.

God had an important lesson to teach me.

And He needed me to get Brooke in touch with this lawyer so the lawyer could match them with this precious baby girl!

Our God is so awesome and I seriously cannot wait to meet this precious baby!

brooke

And here we go…on our journey to #2

It’s already a totally different journey than the journey that took us to Little Bug.

We aren’t trying to swim up to the surface and catch our breath from infertility treatments and we haven’t been told there is a baby already waiting for us.

This time, we will have some waiting to do.

I have no idea just how long we will have to wait before we are matched, which is why I want to write down some things swarming in my heart right now before the truth that I am about to write about gets clouded through my human perspective.

Which is bound to happen at some point in this journey because, well, I am human.

I don’t want to allow myself to get hung up on the “wait time”. I don’t want one of those “Waiting Tickers” on the side of my blog that keeps track of every single day we are waiting to be matched.

I want to, as much as humanly possible, keep my perspective in line with God’s perspective and, to God, time is of no essence.

He already knows who our next birth mother will be. He already knows the day and the specific hour that we will receive a phone call saying we have been chosen to parent her child.

He already knows this child. He knows whether this child has already been conceived, or not.

He already knows whether we will welcome a baby boy into our home, or another little girl.

He already knows … everything. Every single detail, big and small, is already written out in His Master Plan. He has told me in His word that His plans for my life are good, will prosper me and will bring me hope and a future.

And quite frankly, I am sick and tired of acting like I have any say so in the matter!

I am sick and tired of worrying and fretting over details I have absolutely no control of whatsoever.

I wish I could say that I will walk this journey to #2 completely free of worry, doubt and fear of the unknown.

But I know it will creep in because Satan hates it when I put my complete trust in God.

However, I am bound and determine, through the strength of God’s PEACE within me, to not allow the worry, doubt and fear to consume me as I walk this road.

The fact of the matter here is that God’s got this … and I just gotta roll with it, knowing when things seem a little (or a lot) out of control, God’s still got this.

I don’t want to worry about time, birth mothers and failed adoptions because I really have no control whatsoever over any of those matters.

So, here we go. We’ve already put our name with one lawyer. We are talking to many different avenues and then will make a decision about what other avenues we want to put our name with very soon.

We’ve kept our home study up to date, knowing we wanted to adoption again after Little Bug’s second birthday.

Once we finish our research and make final decisions on who we want to work with, it will be time to wait.

And time to roll.

And time to rebuke Satan’s attacks.

And time to rest in the peace that God’s got this.

Some More Thoughts

I know where all this sadness is stemming from.

It is coming from a dread of the future, which is pure silliness.

But, let me explain anyway.

While I felt total and utter relief from not having to continue to deal with Tracy drama over the next 5-6 months, after things have settled over the past two weeks I have realized that while those 5-6 months would have continued to be one wild ride, there wouldn’t have really been a lot of unknowns in dealing with Tracy.

And unknowns are scary, no matter how you look at them.

Sure, there would have been much more drama with Tracy. That was a given.

But ultimately, I knew the drama would only last a season and because of Tracy’s circumstances, I knew that she would be classified as very “low risk” as far as her deciding to parent. Basically, that isn’t even an option for her.

As much as I hate Tracy’s lifestyle and pray that she one day is freed from the chains of her sin, parenting not even being an option (or desire) for her really does provide a sense of “security” for an adoptive couple when all comes down to it.

Now, we head into the unknown.

Right before we got the call that Tracy was pregnant, Dave and I briefly discussed a timeline of planning for #2, knowing full well that God’s timing is our utmost desire.

We both felt we would be ready to start the adoption process after Little Bug turns two. We both think a three-year age gap would be ideal, but, like I already said, we know better than to plan and assume that our plans will also be God’s plan!

So, the lawyer’s phone call at the beginning of December certainly didn’t line up with our plans but we took the leap of faith and went with it, trusting God every step of the way.

And, as always, he was faithful … every step of the way.

I know that as we begin the adoption process again (most likely before the calendar says 2012), God’s faithfulness will be the thread that weaves our journey to #2 together.

As overwhelming as it was to think of dealing with Tracy for 5-6 months, it is also overwhelming to think of dealing with a new birth mother, a completely new situation.

So many unknowns. And unknowns are scary.

While Tracy certainly proved herself to be full of surprises, I know her. I know how she operates and I knew she had to place her child when it was all said and done.

And as crazy as it sounds, all that did bring a measure of peace that dealing with the unknowns just doesn’t offer.

So it’s a good thing my peace does not come from my circumstances.

My peace comes from the Lord.

I seriously couldn’t do this without my faith in the Lord. Where would my hope be?

In my next birth mother?

Wow. That is a scary thought.

No, my faith, my hope, my trust, my joy, my strength ALL come from the Lord.

And His supply is endless.

The Grandest Christmas Surprise of All

As if finding out that Tracy is pregnant and wants to place this baby with us wasn’t surprise enough for me, I can hardly describe the joy my heart felt when I realized I was learning this news just twelve days before Christmas.

During our years of trying to conceive, I spent countless hours daydreaming of how I would announce to my husband, family and friends that I was pregnant.

However, along with my lifelong dream of experiencing pregnancy, my dream of making a pregnancy announcement at Christmas died a long time ago.

I hadn’t done any pregnancy announcing daydreaming in years.

Then, in a matter of a few moments in time, this dream was revived in my heart and I immediately started planning The Grandest Christmas Surprise of All

A couple weeks before Christmas (and before I received the call from our lawyer about this new baby), I told my mom I had a surprise for her on Christmas Day.

And I did.

The surprise was professional pictures taken by Angele Leinbach Photography of my family of three. The pictures turned out gorgeous and I gave one picture to everyone on Christmas Morning.

Here is my mom opening her family picture of us:

(None of these pics are great quality because they were taken from my video camera.)

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Although they LOVED the family picture, it wasn’t the complete surprise!

There was a second mysterious little gift to be opened. Since they had just opened a family portrait of the three of us, I was hoping they would be thinking they were opening a picture of just Little Bug next.

And, they actually were opening a picture of Little Bug. Just not the picture they were expecting to see!

Here are my parent’s reactions as they opened the second gift:

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My aunt, grandmother and uncle’s reaction:

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This is what they were looking at:

DSCN7047Mama’s not pregnant, but someone else is! 

Knowing everyone would need an explanation, I had prepared something for Dave to read to the family.

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It was similar to what I posted here on January 1st.

Everyone was completely caught off guard! I will remember that Christmas Morning for as long as I live.

I am completely humbled that God would choose to do this for me. I know He didn’t have to do it this way. I could have just as easily gotten the call from my lawyer after Christmas. But He choose to give me an opportunity to make a Christmas “pregnancy” announcement.

God is so good and His mercies are new every morning.

journey to #2

Not sure if you read Mrs. Hammer’s blog. My heart breaks for her today.

Four and a half years of trying to have a baby while battling infertility. Four cycles of IVF. Three beautiful embryos were placed in her womb during her fourth, and final, chance at IVF. They were the best embryos they had ever had and they were so hoping this would be their miracle.

But today her beta came back as negative.

Man, why do people have to go through this?!?!

And then an even weirder, odder question is this:

Why didn’t I have the chance to go through that?

I know that calls for a little explanation.

You remember March 8th, 2009, I was told IVF wouldn’t even help me conceive. Truth be told, I’ve always been a little leery of that “diagnosis” because it wasn’t my RE who told me that – it was the other RE in the practice because my RE wasn’t on call that fateful day. Logic tells me that obviously the other RE knows what he’s talking about because he’s been doing this since before I was born. But my heart wants to cling to the hope that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong and my RE could figure out something that just might work to finagle around the obstacles the other RE says make conceiving through IVF very unlikely because he’s the best RE in the entire Universe.

And so, as the time approaches for us to start thinking (yes, thinking, not necessarily wanting…yet 🙂 ) a second child, I can’t help but let my mind wander.

There are so many stories out there of women who had a poor response many times but, finally, after three, four, five tries, they got their miracle.

T’s blog is private, but her story is amazing. After many tries at IVF her last try was filled with miracle after miracle! It was her last try. She went it to it knowing if this failed, they had done everything possible to try to conceive. They prayed for a miracle as they had done with their previous cycles. She was a poor responder, but this final cycle, they had beautiful embryos transferred. More beautiful than they ever imagined. Beta day came and her beta was negative, however, against all odds, the clinic called her back several days later and told her there had been a mistake in her first beta and they needed to recheck her. Trying not to get her hopes up, she went in for another beta draw. And lo and behold, that beta came back indicating she was pregnant! Her numbers were extremely low, but with every beta draw after her second one, the numbers kept doubling and tripling. Around 5-6 weeks into the pregnancy she saw the most miraculous thing on the ultrasound screen: the tiny, healthy heartbeat of her precious baby!

So how does all this tie into me?

I honestly don’t know at this time.

I’m trying to figure it out myself as I seek the Lord about why He has me wondering about all this.

I guess, if I could have things my way (which I know full well may not be God’s way AND I know full well that I ultimately desire God’s Will because I know full well HIS WILL is best and perfect and better than anything I could ever wonder or dream about) I wish I could have a second try at IVF.

We didn’t give IVF another thought after our first cycle where I responded very poorly and we ended up converting to an IUI mid-cycle. The reason we didn’t give IVF another thought is so obvious now.

At the time, getting up from that examination table and walking away from it all just like that was nerve-wracking and it felt like I was just giving up prematurely.

But I knew I had to say no to another try because of one reason:

God was telling us to move to adoption because he wanted to give us Little Bug!

Obviously, what I am saying here is I do not, for a second, wish we had given IVF another try back in the Spring of 2009 because I would not ever trade my Little Bug for 10 biological children!

What I am saying is this: When I think of adding to our family, excitement pours into my soul because now, more than ever, I know God has another miraculous plan ahead for us in building our family and I am so excited to see where He takes us on our journey to #2. I am not naive to think the journey will be filled with only joy and no heartache and pain. Unfortunately, when you mix infertility and trying to add to your family, there is bound to be some pain and heartache along the way. But now, more than ever, I know God has a plan bigger and better than all the pain and heartache I will ever experience in my lifetime. I know that what is required of me on my journey to #2 is trusting God and patiently waiting for Him to reveal HIS PLAN. The waiting is bound to get hard (waiting is never easy!) but every day I will have a blue-eyed, blonde haired little reminder that His ways are perfect and His timing is impeccable.

So I guess, right now, my heart is just open. Open to whatever way God would choose to add to our family. I wouldn’t say any of this stems from a desire to experience pregnancy but it stems from a curiosity and wondering if what I was told on March 8th, 2009, is really what would have happened had we pursued another IVF cycle.

Which means all this will probably be just what it is today: my wonderings. Because I can’t see giving IVF another try simply because I am curious to see what the outcome would be. That is how I know this is not a “pregnancy desire” speaking. Sure, if I was told I could do an IVF cycle free of charge, I don’t think I’d have to think twice about jumping on that offer! But, we all know IVF isn’t free.

And so, I guess I will always just wonder. But I can live with that because I do believe if God wants to build our family by a biological child, He most certainly does not need IVF to do it.

My God (our God!) is just awesome like that.

I like that place

I am waiting for Dave to get home from work. He’s had a late night tonight because of a deadline approaching. Little Bug is in bed.

I’ve been looking through pictures of her from birth to present day.

Two weeks from today my little baby will be one.

It is hard to believe that my baby is going to be one but it is even harder to believe that I’ve been a mother for a year now.

In those long days of waiting and wondering when it would ever happen, being a mother for any amount of time seemed light years away.

It is amazing how quickly this year has gone by.

I was rocking Little Bug, giving her her bedtime bottle and thinking how satisfying life is at this moment. Little Bug leaves nothing to be desired. I always assumed I would have a burning desire to add another child to our family soon after Little Bug, but that desire still isn’t there, even as she approaches her first birthday.

She is everything I ever dreamed of in a child and more.

I can hardly remember life before Little Bug was such an intricate part of every detail of my life. (Well, I do remember very vividly what it was like to stay up late and sleep past 7:30am!)

I know one day though it will hit. That burning desire to add to our family will hit me like a sledgehammer.

I wait for that day with great expectation because I know I will once again be forced back into that place of complete surrender and trust in my God to orchestrate and work according to His Plan.

As odd as this may seem, I like that place.

Yes, it’s scary because I have no control over what happens. I can’t just one day get that burning desire to have another baby and then talk to my husband and make a decision to “start trying for #2”. Yes, another adoption is sometimes too overwhelming to even think about, from both an emotional and financial viewpoint.

However, I like that place because it forces me to trust God. It forces me to believe with my whole heart that God will make a way where there seems to be no way because He works in ways we cannot see and I know He will make a way for me. (I think that is song.)

I was asked today if I’ve ever thought about writing a book to tell my story. I responded by saying, “Yes, I have. However at this point in the journey I do not feel my story is complete. Part One is complete, but Part Two has yet to unfold.”

What will be written on the pages of Part Two?

I don’t know.

But I know Who does.

I know it might again involve heartache and sorrow but ultimately beauty will prevail.