Choosing to SEE

I am just about finished reading the book Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. I started reading this book last night around 10pm (mistake) and could not put it down until the wee hours of this morning.

It is almost midnight now and I am almost finished reading it but I feel compelled to come here and write some thoughts down.

First of all, I am in no way shape or form going to even begin to say that going through infertility and going through losing one of your children through death are comparable.

Given a choice, I would gladly go through the pain of infertility a million times before signing up to lose my child through death.

I cannot imagine a pain greater or deeper than the pain Mary Beth experienced on May 21, 2008, when her 5 year old daughter, Maria, was killed in a tragic accident on the driveway of their home.

In a strange way I found myself connected to Mary Beth in the sense that I, too, have chosen to SEE. I love the beauty found in those three words.

The death of her daughter completely reformed life as Mary Beth knew it prior to May 21, 2008. I tried to briefly imagine what that pain would feel like and I just could not even let my thoughts go there.

There is nothing pretty about a mother’s 5 year old daughter dying. And there is nothing pretty about infertility.

Mary Beth talks about how she had to learn to “do hard”. Life after May 21st was hard. And hard is a word that I don’t think does what she went through justice.

I related to that because in my own life, learning to do life after March 8th was hard.

I knew on that day life was never going to be the same. Until that day, there was hope that one day my infertility would be in the past. On that day in March I knew this was something I was going to have to carry with me all the days of my life.

Mary Beth talks about how her plans never seemed to play out in her life. (Except, of course, her plan to fly to China within 24 hours of making that decision, with her friend who had been in the middle of a painting project, to go and get the Chinese baby girls they were going to be adopting. Within seven days Mary Beth and her friend had actually pulled this off and were flying back, with their babies, in astonishment over the miracles that God had performed to make something like that actually happen!) I soon learned my plans for building my family just were not going to work out the way I had been planning.

After the tragic events that took the life of her youngest daughter, Mary Beth had a decision to make.

She chose to SEE God in her deepest pain and deepest sorrow.

I clearly remember coming to that same conclusion in the midst of my own storm. I knew I could choose to become bitter and resentful because God had taken from me something very dear to my heart OR I could chose to SEE that in spite of it all, God loves me, and has a greater plan in mind that goes beyond just what I can see this side of heaven.

God has used the tragic events of Maria’s death for His Glory and God has used my infertility for His Glory because we chose to SEE Him through it all.

Again, I feel somewhat silly even slightly comparing my “tragedy” to Mary Beth’s, but I do believe there are truths written in this book that, even if we have not (thank the good Lord) experienced the loss of a child, we can take and apply to whatever storm God has allowed into our lives.

Because there are storms of all types in life.

The truth here is when we find ourselves in a storm (whatever that may be…infertility, divorce, unfaithful spouse, loss of job, sickness, depression, cancer, death of spouse…you fill in the blank with your storm), there is a choice to be made.

Are we going to wallow in despair or choose to SEE?

A Delicate Dance

As I think about going through another adoption in the near future, I think back to the day that Little Bug was born.

There she was. The baby I had prayed for.

I had asked God to please put a baby in my womb, but He instead gave me Little Bug.

And she couldn’t have been more perfect or more beautiful than those first few moments of her life when I laid eyes on my daughter for the very first time.

Only thing was…she wasn’t my daughter…yet.

The picture you see below was taken when Little Bug was only 9 minutes old. That is my finger Little Bug has her tiny hand wrapped around. I was there during her first few minutes of life as the nurse worked on her a little bit.

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The nurse did what she needed to do with Little Bug and then she swaddled her up and asked me, “Do you want to hold her?”

Of course I wanted to hold that precious baby that was promised to be my baby girl!

But I couldn’t. Not then.

Tracy and I had talked about this before delivery. Tracy would hold her first and then she would “pass her off to her mama”. (Tracy’s words.)

I am in no way saying that it shouldn’t have been this way. Tracy didn’t have to let me be there for Little Bug’s birth and she certainly didn’t have to even let me see her until TPR was signed days later.

But there I was. Witnessing it all.

I will forever be grateful to Tracy for giving me that gift.

At the same time, all of that was a loud and clear reminder to my heart that I was falling in love with a baby that wasn’t yet mine.

If Tracy decided to go through with her adoption plan, then Little Bug would be mine.

If Tracy chose to parent, I would have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on.

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I remember holding Little Bug for the very first time like it was yesterday. It was actually 21 months and one day ago, to be exact.

After many failed infertility treatments, realizing my dream of pregnancy was dying and then being told by a lawyer that I could have a baby girl in two months, I held that tiny five pound baby, and for a moment in time, I just stared at her and was in awe that my baby girl was actually in my arms.

I realized in that moment the pain of everything I had been through to get to that place was totally worth it.

Then the nurses had to take Little Bug away for monitoring and I remembered…

She isn’t mine until TPR is signed.

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We had no reason to believe that Tracy wouldn’t sign the TPR, but, you just never know. Nothing is ever a guarantee with adoption. (Nothing is ever a guarantee with life..except, of course, God’s faithfulness through it all!)

Things can change from day to day.

And this is what stops my heart when I think about going through another adoption in the future.

Adoption requires me to step out of my comfort zone and take a huge risk, trusting that God will take care of me and His faithfulness will abound, no matter what happens in the end.

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The picture you see above is a picture I took of Little Bug on the evening of her birth day. Before delivery, Tracy had told me she wanted me to stay with her in the hospital. I thought that would be a little too much, but I wasn’t going to miss out on being with Little Bug throughout the night given the opportunity!

So when visiting hours were over, Dave left to go home and I stayed with Tracy and Little Bug in the hospital room. Tracy left at one point and it was just Little Bug and me.

For a split second, I could pretend that it was actually me that had given birth! Except my stomach was flat as a pancake and my husband was gone and country music was playing on the TV. (That wouldn’t have been my choice!)

But there I was, alone with Little Bug, country music piercing the quietness of a sterile hospital room. I wanted to push time forward and just know…Is this precious baby girl actually going to be my daughter when everything is said and done?

Later that night, my cell phone rang. Tracy was again gone from the hospital room and it was my lawyer on the other end of the phone.

Tracy had called her and asked the lawyer to call me and tell me that Tracy wanted me to go home for the night, instead of stay there.

At first I laughed that Tracy had called the lawyer to tell the lawyer to tell me this! (If you knew Tracy’s personality, you would laugh too. She doesn’t hesitate to speak her mind. I do appreciate the fact that Tracy cared about my feelings to the point where she was scared to ask me herself and instead had the lawyer do her “dirty work”. Smile)

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Wasn’t long, though, and I was in tears. All the fears that Tracy wouldn’t sign the TPR came flooding in that moment.

I couldn’t help but question in my mind:

Is she having second thoughts? Does she just want time with the baby? Is she just exhausted and needs some time to herself? Is she going to stay up all night and bond with the baby and then not be able to let go in the morning?

As Little Bug lay in that hospital bassinet, I had to tell her goodbye. I didn’t know if I would ever see her again, because you just never know what is really going on in an adoption process.

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In faith, I leaned down into her little bassinet, gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her Mommy loved her and that I would see her tomorrow.

The floodgate opened wide as I spoke those words to her because I knew she wasn’t my baby girl, even though Tracy had made an adoption plan that included her signing her rights at 48 hours after birth and giving her to us to parent.

I walked out of the hospital room not knowing if I would ever lay eyes on that precious baby again. All I wanted to do was snuggle and hold her all night long and tend to her every need before she could even cry.

I love adoption but I hate the fact that for Little Bug’s first three days of life, I had to live in limbo not knowing if I would be her mother or not.

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When I think about being in this place again in the future, I am scared.

I don’t want to go through all those emotions again!

I want to hold my baby in the first moments of his or her life and know that baby is completely mine. I don’t want to have to live in limbo for days and dance along the delicate line of allowing myself to fall in love with a baby and at the same time guard myself, just in case.

I want to love fully, completely, wholly from the moment I first lay eyes on “my” child.

Adoption does not allow that. Maybe some can do it, but my heart is always somewhat guarded until that baby is fully mine.

Just the way it is (for me, anyway).

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When Dave and I find ourselves in this place again, I am going to have to rely on one thing.

When we are holding and loving another baby that is promised to be ours, but is not yet officially ours, I must remember that if that child is indeed the child God has planned from the beginning of time to be our second child, nothing, and I mean nothing, can disrupt God’s plan.

If that child is the one God intends to be ours, no obstacle along the way is too big for Him to overcome to make it so.

I can rest in that peace, knowing God’s got it all under control and His Plan will prevail…no matter what.

And in a way that only God can do, I can rest in peace knowing that God will take everything involved in another adoption process — the good, the bad, the ugly — and use it for good and for His Glory.

And really, that is what this is all about anyway.

It’s not about me, it’s not about another baby.

It’s not even about doing the delicate dance.

It’s about God and Him receiving glory through it all.

New Day, New Mercies

It is a new day, a new month and that can only mean one thing:

God’s mercies are new. He has brought me through another fire and I am still standing.

But I am not just standing.

I am standing firm because God is my strength, my peace, my joy in times of trouble and heartache and no matter what the devil tries to scheme against me, GOD has won.

Which means I won, because I’m on His side.

The promises of God’s Word are still true. There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan, a perfect and beautiful plan that is far greater and far bigger than a biological sibling for Little Bug.

I learned that full well on my journey to Little Bug.

Yesterday was a day of sorrow for what wasn’t going to be and there were certainly tears, but ultimately do you know the overwhelming emotion I felt yesterday and continue to feel today?

Relief.

I am sure that might not make a whole lot of sense right now, which is why I have chosen to reveal the details of this drama.

The drama began with a text from Tracy to me on Monday, January 24th.

She asked me if we wanted to come over for dinner and help her get some furniture.

I replied that I had been asking around to see if people had any furniture they were trying to get rid of and could donate and we would just have to wait and see what is donated.

Tracy text me back that she was getting a kitchen table and needed us to come help her pick it up and then we could stay for dinner.

Not long after this text, I received a call from our lawyer.

The lawyer told me she had just received a text from Tracy saying she needed a sum of money to be able to buy a kitchen table because Dave and Elaine were coming over for dinner and she needed a place for us to sit.

I am sure at this point my jaw was on the floor, but believe it or not, this was just the prelude to all the drama that was about to unfold.

The lawyer and I made the decision that this was an outlandish request. The lawyer said she was going to call Tracy and tell her no, the request could not be granted.

On Tuesday, January 25th I received a phone call from the lawyer telling me that she had talked to Tracy and Tracy was livid that the lawyer would not give her the money.

Tuesday night Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound in the evening. All we had from the adoption agency for proof of pregnancy was a “pregnancy confirmation” document.

Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound at a crisis pregnancy center on Tuesday evening.

When the lawyer told me that Tracy was angry about the money situation, she warned me that Tracy may not show up for her ultrasound.

Tuesday afternoon I received a text from Tracy asking me why we had not paid the lawyer and did we really want this baby?

I replied that we had done everything the lawyer had asked us to do because, of course, we were very excited about this baby.

I never heard back from her and sure enough, Tracy dropped off the radar. No one could make contact with her at all.

It was at this point that we obviously knew something was up and we began to suspect that she might not even be pregnant.

Wednesday passed. Then came Thursday.

Thursday we learned that the crisis center had actually cancelled all the ultrasounds scheduled for that evening because of a bad storm we got that night.

Thursday I received a very unexpected apology text from Tracy. I felt for sure that Tracy had “left town”, but hearing from her made me think that maybe there really was a baby after all.

I just wanted to get to the bottom of all the drama and know one way or the other!

Tracy also made contact with the lawyer and the lawyer set up a meeting with Tracy for Friday morning.

During their meeting the lawyer made Tracy call and reschedule her ultrasound, because, for obvious reasons, we knew this ultrasound was key in knowing if this adoption was over or if we would proceed. At this point, I didn’t know how I was going to survive 5-6 more months of dealing with Tracy drama if there really was a baby!

Tracy knew it was imperative to be at the Monday morning (January 31st) ultrasound.

I was at the appointment right on time. I sent a text to Tracy and told her I had gotten there. She text me back that she was on the way.

Forty-five minutes later, she had still not arrived. I sent Tracy another text and asked her if she was almost there. She said she was and five minutes later, she walked in the clinic door.

While I was waiting, I had spoken to the woman at the front desk and briefly explained the situation. I told her I needed to know TODAY if Tracy is pregnant or not.

Not long after Tracy arrived, she was called back. I was informed they were going to talk to Tracy first and then they would call me back when they were ready to do the ultrasound.

Ten minutes later Tracy walked back out into the waiting room and told me that they could not do an ultrasound on her because she has had ectopic pregnancies in the past.

I immediately stood up and told Tracy, “We have to get an ultrasound today to proceed with this adoption. That does not make sense. I am going back there to talk to them.”

Tracy sat down on a chair and I walked myself through the door and told the woman at the front desk that I had to speak with the lady who had just talked to Tracy.

She said, “Go down the hall and take a left.”

I found the woman and she was on the phone about Tracy with the manager of the crisis center.

She put the manager on hold and I told the woman, “This is the situation. We are not sure she is even pregnant. Drama has been going on for a week now and I NEED for her to have an ultrasound so we can get to the bottom of this. Please help me!”

The woman was very sweet. She asked me if I would talk to the manager. I immediately took the phone and pleaded my case to the manager.

Surprisingly enough, I got the same story that Tracy had just told me.

I understood. Tracy has had ectopic pregnancies in the past. (I do know this is true from official medical records when Tracy was pregnant with Little Bug.) The clinic is not a medical facility so their standard protocol is to not do an ultrasound on any woman who has had an ectopic pregnancy or who has had any bleeding during the pregnancy.

I also learned from the sweet lady at the crisis center that Tracy had said she had had some bleeding, which was another reason they were not giving Tracy an ultrasound.

The manger told me that the crisis pregnancy center could give me the name and number of another place where Tracy could go to get an ultrasound for a charge.

I told the sweet little lady that I needed that information. She gave me the information and I went back out to the waiting room.

Tracy had bolted.

She was no where to be found.

I went ahead and called the contact the crisis center had given me and found myself talking to another sweet lady.

I told her the situation I was in and that I needed an appointment TODAY, if at all possible.

She booked us for a 6:15pm appointment and I hung up with her and immediately dialed Tracy.

Of course, she did not answer.

I called the lawyer to fill her in on what was going on.

She told me she and her office would try all day to get in touch with Tracy and she would call me as soon as she knew anything.

Monday afternoon I received word from the lawyer that she had talked to Tracy and told her through texts that she HAD to go to this appointment at 6:15pm or her rent would not be paid tomorrow and she would not receive another penny from the agency.

Tracy text the lawyer back saying that she “couldn’t make it tonight”.

The lawyer text her back and told her we were done and to never contact her again for anything.

And finally, I had answers. Either Tracy was never pregnant to begin with or Tracy was pregnant, miscarried and was trying to see how far she could go.

When I learned that this was officially over I was sitting on my old bed at my parents’ house.  I had just laid Little Bug down for her nap and was waiting to hear from the lawyer. I heard the news, continued siting on my bed to take a few minutes to process, and then I walked downstairs to the living room where my parents were siting on the couch.

And the tears came.

They were tears of disappointment.

I knew they would come and I knew they would quickly go because ultimately I felt relief and like the weight of the whole world has been lifted off my shoulders. (I have another post coming soon about this.)

And while I can’t hardly believe the drama that transpired over the past week, it is what it is and ultimately I have hope in Jesus Christ.

Satan thinks he won this battle.

But I’ve got news for him.

Satan definitely has a stronghold on Tracy’s life, but on this brand new day, I proclaim to the world that God is good and God is faithful and Something More is coming!

Please don’t view me as a victim!

I am not the victim here. Tracy is.

Satan has a stronghold on her, not me.

I am as free as a bird soaring in the sky.

This is not the end of God’s story.

He’s got plenty still to write and I know it’s going to blow the socks right off my feet.

To God be the glory, great things He has done, is doing and will do.

I just want you to do your best.

I keep replaying in my mind the five minute clip of a movie that was played at the end of the sermon today at church.

A coach was on the football field with his high school football team. Apparently, one of his best players was more interested in goofing off instead of getting serious about the game and playing his best.

The players are all sitting on the field and the coach calls out the player. He asks him to stand and then comes face to face with him.

Coach puts the player to a challenge. He tells him he wants him to carry a teammate on his back for as many yards as he thinks he can go. Only he isn’t to carry the teammate in his arms.

Coach wants him to get on his hands and without putting his knees on the ground carry his teammate as many yards as he can go.

“I just want you to do your best”, the coach tells him.

“Do you think your best is 20 yards?”

The boy says he can do 50 yards.

Before they get started, the coach pulls out a blindfold and ties it to the player’s head. The teammate lays on the back of the player and the challenge begins.

Blindfolded, this kid begins his treak down the football field with his teammate on his back and 50 yards as his goal. The yards are never shown on the movie screen.

It’s just the player, the teammate on his back and the coach who follows closely.

Coach crouches down as the player crawls along the field and says, “Just do your best. Just do your best. Keep going!! Just do your best!”

The player’s arms begin to ache, the weight of his teammate bearing down on his back.

But still the coach says, “Just do your best. Keep going!”

The player presses on, but at any moment, you are waiting, expecting him to fall flat on his face.

The coach’s voice now says with a sense of urgency, “Keep going! You are NOT going to give up, are you? Do your best!! Do your best!! What is your best?! Keep going!”

Coach continues along with his player screaming in his face, “DON’T GIVE UP! DO YOUR BEST! DO YOUR BEST!”

All the while as you are watching you are wondering just how far this kid is going to go.

The camera pans back to the teammates, who at the beginning sat in groups on the field chuckling to each other about the whole thing.

The next time the other teammates are shown, some of them are no longer sitting on the field but are standing – with looks of shock and amazement written all over their faces.

The player continues down the field, coach screaming in his face to do his best.

Eventually, the guy colapses. His coach falls to the ground with him and, in a quiet but excited voice he says, “You went to the END ZONE! Your BEST was the END ZONE! You are my most valuable player. If YOU don’t give me your best, they won’t either. Are you going to give me your best, or not?”

At this moment in the movie clip my mind flashed back to six or so months before Little Bug’s birth.

I had on my back the heavy burden of infertility. I was worn out. I wanted to give up. I could not see an end in sight.

But a still small voice kept saying to me, Elaine! DON’T give up now. Are you going to do your best to let this infertility bring glory to my name? Or are you going to wallow away to the depths of despair?

Suddenly, I saw myself on that football field, carrying my burdon and faced with the reality of a choice that had to be made.

Was I going to do my best to allow my infertility to bring glory to God?

As I was crawling down the road of infertility, God was crouched beside me whispering in my ear that if I did my best to give it all to Him, He would use it all for His glory.

He most certainly did – and still is to this very day.

Thankfulness 2010

I can’t believe it is already November. This year has possibly gone by faster than any other year of my life. It does seen the older I get, the faster the years fly but this year beats all.

I did start this year out with a baby that lay in one spot on the floor and played with toys. And I am ending this year with a little girl who is daily saying more and more words and who never stays in one spot longer than five minutes.

Much has changed throughout this year. I have learned, as I have gotten older, that change really is the only constant in life.

While change and I usually aren’t the best of friends (because I like stability and predictability and change always has a way of swiping those out of the picture), I am extremely thankful for one change in my life – because it has literally changed my life forever.

I’m thankful for the endometriosis that has made me unable to conceive.

Because of my endometriosis my heart was opened to adoption. Without infertility, I highly doubt I would have given adoption the time of day and I would have missed out on one of the greatest miracles on earth.

Because of my endometriosis my heart has been filled with compassion for anyone going through what I went through. God has given me a platform to minister to people (mainly via my blog) in a way I would not have been able to before going through infertility myself.

Because of my endometriosis God taught me what Jeremiah 29:11 really means. Before infertility, I knew God had a plan for my life, but I didn’t know what that meant when God’s plan did not match mine. Jeremiah 29:11 means that, even when things don’t go according to the way I have planned them in my head, God’s way is always perfect and best. Still not being pregnant after 8 months of trying certainly wasn’t in my plan. Just like doing four IUI cycles and having them all fail and having surgery to remove endometriosis wasn’t in my plan. And being told IVF wouldn’t work for me either was the furthest thing from my mind. But God, in His Sovereignty, took all of that and wove it into the beautiful Miracle of Little Bug.

Because of my endometriosis I know how to get back up after a blow that knocks you to your knees and keep moving forward. With each failure, God taught me that I could not stay down for long because He was working His perfect plan in my life and He required me to keep going and to not throw in the towel of my faith or my trust in Him.

Because of my endometriosis I know I serve a faithful God. True to His word, His plans were better than anything I had imagined for myself. What could be better than Little Bug?

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God used endometriosis to bring me Little Bug.

I am forever thankful for endometriosis.

Dear Readers of this Blog,

I have often contemplated closing this blog down for multiple reasons. I started the blog as a way to keep family and friends informed about our infertility treatments, but infertility treatment days for us are long gone. (Thank goodness.) I’ve wanted to close it down because there are some very not nice people out there and I want to protect the privacy of my family. And I’ve wanted to close it down at times because of the time it takes me to keep it going.

But I haven’t closed it down mainly for one reason and one reason alone.

Romans 28:8 declares that God makes good come from bad. The events that I have shared through this blog certainly are testimony of that truth. There has been much good that has come from my infertility.

One of those good things is that God continuously opens the door for me to minister to and encourage those of you who stumble across my blog while walking the same dark and painful road I walked several years ago.

I have received countless emails from readers whose hearts are breaking because of their infertility. They write telling me that something I wrote in my blog spoke to their heart at just the right time they needed to hear it.

How can I close something down that God is still using for good?

I’ve always just wanted my infertility journey to bring glory and honor to the Name of Jesus. It thrills my heart that God is still using my infertility to bring people to Him.

I also want to say there is no need to apologize for writing me an email and “taking up my time”! I love to hear from you! I love to see how God has used the words I’ve written (which I firmly believe HE puts in my heart to write) to minister to your hurting hearts. I never want to lose touch with those deep rooted feelings of pain, hurt and disappointment that I daily felt as I was waiting for God to reveal His Plan to me. Until the day I die, I pray God continues to take my infertility and use it for good.

So, keep your emails coming. 🙂

I am here for you.

Love,

Elaine

elaine@faithfullyinfertile.com

National Infertility Awareness Week

Although I consider my infertility days behind me, I am still an infertile and always will be. While I am not childless and am not going through infertility treatments at the moment (or ever again, for that matter!), infertility is always something that will go with me wherever I go in life.

And perhaps there will always be situations where I will ask God, “Why her and not me?” Like just yesterday when Dave, Little Bug and I were out for a walk in the neighborhood.

We live in a quiet neighborhood. The only noise comes from the house in the far corner. We call that the “Party House”. The garage of “Party House” has been made into a pool hall/TV room complete with a huge big screen TV, beer refrigerator, surround sound (You know, so the whole entire neighborhood can hear the game that is on. Thanks!?) and comfy couches.

The owner of this house lives there with his live-in girlfriend who we refer to as “The Harlot”. Harlot has this little dog whom she allows to roam the neighborhood and dig up people’s freshly planted flowers. (I know, because this dog came into our yard not half an hour after I had planted beautiful lilies in the front flower bed. I had gone inside and was sitting in the office which has a window that looks out into this flower bed and the front yard. And what did I see? Yes, that pesky little dog was in the flower bed digging up ALL the flowers I had just planted.)

A few months ago Harlot and her dog no longer seemed to be at the “Party House”. We figured they had broken up. But then, over the past couple of weeks or so, we noticed they were back.

Well, on our walk yesterday we think we figured out what just might have happened…

As we were walking down the street from our house towards the “Party House” we noticed this woman walking down the street. I noticed her rounding belly right away and turned to Dave and said, “Is that the Harlot?” He said, “I think so.” We smiled and waved as we walked by her and then after we passed her I turned to Dave again and asked, “Is she pregnant???”

She is most definitely about 4 or 5 months pregnant.

We walked a little further and then said, “Hmm. Guess that’s why she disappeared for a while. Guess they worked things out after the shock of a baby on the way.”

Why her?

Here is where I have to make the choice I talked about in one of my Q&A posts.

I can choose to continue asking why and focus on the unfairness of an unmarried couple not desiring to conceive be able to conceive by having sex, like normal people do.

Or I can look at the big picture here.

Sure it would be nice to be able to decide that I want to have a baby and try a couple months and then actually be pregnant minus all the heartache and disappointment that comes along with infertility.

It would be nice to know another huge chunk of money does not stand between us and our second child. It would be nice to know that around the time Little Bug turned two, we could start trying for #2 and he or she would arrive around Little Bug’s 3rd birthday.

That would all be nice. But it is just not the path God has called us too.

Instead, He has called us to live in surrender to our own desires for His. And He has required us to completely put our faith and trust in Him when we even consider thinking about adding to our family one day. I think God draws people to Himself by requiring this kind of surrender and trust in a certain area of life – for us, it is our fertility and the lack of it.

For when we are weak, it is then that we are strong in Him.

Would I choose to be fertile now?

No.

As much as I hate my infertility, I love it because through my weaknesses God has taken it all and created something beautiful.

He showed me what it really means to walk by faith daily. To really put your complete trust in Him because you literally had no other options. That is a very humbling, scary and exciting place to be – all at the same time.

It is something to know God is taking the ugly circumstances of your life and is making a beautiful masterpiece for the world to see.

God did that. He took my infertility and performed The Miracle of Little Bug while the world looked on (via this blog).

As time moves forward I know one day I’ll be back at square one. I’ll be longing for another child and wondering how in the world it will happen, given the circumstances.

But then I’ll put my faith in the Lord and trust Him once again for another miracle.

Infertility goes with me every step of the way from here on out, but so does the awesome power of my God.

that Sunday morning

This Sunday a year ago I had an appointment to go see what my ovaries were up to. I’d been giving myself shots for over a week to stimulate my ovaries to produce enough follicles for our IVF cycle.

I was a little nervous getting on to that table to be examined because just a few days ago I had been up there and we had not seen much action at all. My RE increased the dosage of meds I was to receive over the next few days and he told me not to worry.

We were all hoping to see much action going on in those little ovaries that Sunday morning.

But it just wasn’t to be.

There was one lone follicle who I later named The Lone Ranger.

Not only did we learn that this cycle was a bust, but we learned future IVF cycles would most likely yield the same or very similar outcomes as this one had. In other words, my dream for pregnancy and childbirth was dying more and more with every single word the RE was saying.

One of the first thoughts to go through my head was, How can this be? I am only 27 years old. How can my ovaries be shot already?

I was shocked, confused and scared.

I felt like my world was completely out of control and there was nothing I could do to stop the chaos.

For a moment, I was angry at God and could not understand why He would bring us to this horrible place.

But even in that darkest hour, God knew just what He was doing as my mind tried to process that horrifying news.

God knew that in only 80 days from that Sunday morning, I would be doing this:

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And now, 365 days removed from that Sunday morning, I am so thankful that God is in control of everything and I live in constant awe of God’s perfect, amazing plan that gave me one of my greatest blessings of all in life.

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Thank you God for blessing us with this precious little girl!