Poem

By Sarah Adams

How can I challenge Your command

When all I have is in Your hand

How can I question Your decree

When all you’ve done is faithfully

Provide a road that few have seen

Where I am blessed to call You King

Still I can’t wrap my mind around

This path where you have laid the ground

Right now I do not understand

This lot that you have for me planned

But then what always comes to mind

Is how You always seem to find

A way to show me Your great love

And that good things come from above

How can I doubt your plan for me

When I remember that old tree

You hung and gave your life for mine

And left the ninety-nine behind

To capture my poor weary soul

Lord, You alone have made me whole

In time I know I’ll understand

This lot that you have for me planned

My mind too small right now to see

The plan that you have made for me

But I am learning every day

That You’re the potter, I’m the clay

Lord help me to remember still

That I am safe inside Your will

More Infertility Poems

By Sarah Adams

It’s story time again tonight

So listen closely dear

This story is about a man

Who shatters all our fear

This man is the greatest author

The world has ever known

He made the sun and moon and stars

Then man from dust and bone

He weaves together good and bad

In perfect harmony

And although we are scared at times

His pen is worry free

The ink He uses sometimes hurts

And makes us wonder why

But then His penmanship is clear

And opens up our eyes

And as we see each chapter end

We understand its start

This author has a perfect plan

To soften up our heart

To show us that without His love

We would be on our own

This authors plan right from the start

To make our heart His home

He writes the novel of our lives

Although at times unclear

This author is the best you see

He shatters all our fear

Infertility Poems

A reader of this blog recently emailed and shared with me three poems she has written about her infertility journey. With her permission I am sharing them on my blog. Here is the first one. I pray these words will minister to anyone walking this road.

By: Sarah Adams

I think about you every day

And for you I will always pray

But then at times I stop and think

Will you be dressed in blue or pink?

You feel so far away some days

But then at times I see your face

You have your daddy’s perfect nose

Regretfully, your momma’s toes

But I have some good news for you

There is a God that’s always true

He plans beginning to the end

And knows the very moment when

Your heart will beat for the first time

And when you’ll cry your hearts last cry

And even when your heart is scared

There is a God that’s always there

He’s comforting in times of need

And grants a peace that’s like a stream

Of mercy that will never end

This God, my love, He is your friend

I cannot wait to share one day

And teach your little heart to pray

That even when all hope is lost

There stands a bloody wooden cross

Where this same God who is your friend

He bled until the very end

This God, you see, He has a plan

And although we are only man

He wants to hear our deepest cry

Our tears He always longs to dry

So I lay down at night to pray

And dream about the precious day

Of when I’ll finally get to see

You turn our family into three

And although we have yet to meet

Sometimes I hear your little feet

They run so quickly down the hall

I’ve loved you even long before

The trials of today are not our trials of tomorrow.

It is a rare day for me to think about my infertility. Those years seem a lifetime ago – and really, they are a lifetime ago. My life now is consumed with the little family God has blessed me with even though six years ago I wondered if I would ever get the privilege to be a mother.

In present time, every month as I start my period, I am reminded about the up and down roller coaster that I used to live monthly. The hope that was always felt every month. The analyzing of the cycles. And then the despair that would set in at the onset of another period only for hope to be reborn at the start of a new cycle; a cycle that would hopefully, finally, be the one that would result in a pregnancy.

I know God could choose to open my womb at any time; however it is not something I pray for or even hope for.

As my period comes right on time every month, I think about those out there who are living the nightmare of infertility today, hoping that this month will be different than all the others. And then it isn’t.

I know nothing I write here today can erase the pain you are feeling. It sounds so cliché but trust in God and hang in there.

I’ve walked through the trial of infertility and I have since walked through another different trial.

The trials of today are not our trials of tomorrow.

Trials are temporary and, as hard as it is to believe this today, God has a plan for your infertility and He will reveal that plan to you if you seek Him with your whole heart.

I have learned that trials we go through in this life are not about us and instead they are all about God. God doesn’t make people go through trials out of spite or because of something we did in our past. We live in a fallen world where life on earth hasn’t been perfect since Adam and Eve disobeyed God in the Garden of Eden. That’s when sin, sickness and disease entered the world and our trials stem from that.

We serve a God of Redemption!

As only God can do, He takes something bad and turns it into something good. He brings beauty from ashes with the thread of redemption weaved in all of our stories.

In every trial I have experienced in my life I have seen this thread of redemption weaved within the intricate details of my trials. God was there. Totally present in the midst of my trials.

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Doing a work only He could do for His glory.

I am thankful for my broken reproductive system.

Well, here I am again during what is suppose to be my blogging break! I wanted to post this on Thanksgiving Day so here it is!

 

Today is Thanksgiving and this past week I’ve been doing a lot of thinking back on my infertility years. The people in the Bible did a lot of reflecting on the work the Lord had done for them in the past and that is exactly where I find myself today.

Who knew having a reproductive system that doesn’t work properly could be so beautiful?

In 2007, I certainly wouldn’t have thought this was so but standing here at the end of 2013, I am thankful.

I am thankful for my broken reproductive system.

Why?

Well, for starters, I wouldn’t have the relationship I have today with my Heavenly Father if it wasn’t for going through infertility.

Infertility stripped me of my identity. I grew up thinking I would get married and have babies and that didn’t happen. I went to college to be a teacher, but always in the back of my mind and always on the forefront of my heart was my desire to be a mother. And then I couldn’t get pregnant.

And I learned that my ability to have children does not make me who I am.

I am a Child of the King. And He had different plans for me. I found my identity in Christ.

There is something to be said about reaching a point in your life where nothing is going according to how you thought it would go and you are powerless to change anything about it.

You could say I was at the mercy of fate. But I know better.

I was standing in the fire (infertility being my fire) and I had to chose my faith in Jesus Christ or chose faith in my plan that I had been counting on for years.

Being in that spot where you are stripped of everything familiar and then you are powerless to change anything, makes you either turn to your faith in Jesus Christ or turn away from Him.

By God’s grace and mercy, I turned to Him. Everything I had learned as a child and teenager about God was put to the test.

Is God really good?

Does He really have good plans for my life?

Can He really take something as horrible as infertility and make good come from it?

Walking that road, and learning to trust God in a way I had never before trusted in Him, I learned the answer to every single one of those questions.

And the answer was, and still is, a resounding YES YES YES.

God IS good, He did and He does have good plans for my life and only He can take something as horrible as infertility and make good come from it.

My faith in Him was stretched to the limit, but His faithfulness was ever-present every single step of my journey.

When God gave me a poem four months before we even knew anything about Little Bug and the poem said we’d have a baby girl in May, and we did………..God’s faithfulness was there.

When we knew our time with infertility treatments had come to a close and God was telling us to adopt and then almost exactly a month later we were matched with Tracy…….God’s faithfulness was there.

When we turned in our paperwork to the adoption agency and then stood in the delivery room holding our firstborn child just 48 days later……..God’s faithfulness was there.

When God gave me the joy of announcing on Christmas Day 2010 that Baby #2 was on the way even though that baby was miscarried by Tracy, but little did we know, another woman – Melody – was pregnant with the baby that would become our second daughter……..God’s faithfulness was there.

When God prompted a friend of mine to tell me about an adoption situation her lawyer had and we decided to pursue it even though it turned out not to work out (or so we thought!!)…….God’s faithfulness was there.

When we contacted our adoption agency on May 2nd, 2011, to say we were ready to start the process for #2, and then were matched ten days later with the very same woman from the situation we had thought had not worked out……God’s faithfulness was there.

When Melody was taken away to a city 1.5 hours to deliver Sweet Pea and we worried about the logistics of a NICU stay in another city and being away from Little Bug but then God worked out every single detail right down to free accommodations the entire week Sweet Pea was in the NICU…….God’s faithfulness was there.

I reflect back on all that and I am thankful for my infertility. Without it, I wouldn’t have experienced God in the ways I have over the past six years.

And that would be tragic. Being barren is not tragic when you look at it outside your own point of view and instead see the work God desires to do through your barrenness.

Before 2007, I knew God was faithful, but right here right now in 2013 I know God is faithful in a way I didn’t know before I walked the road of infertility.

I’ve seen His hand perform miracle after miracle. I’ve seen him part the Red Seas of my life and make a way for me to be a mother and for two women to know their daughters would be well taken care of when all three of these situations seemed hopeless and motherhood for me was becoming a pipe dream.

The faithfulness of God is a thread that we can see woven throughout the entire Bible, from Genesis to Revelation. It starts when God made a promise to Abraham that He would make him into a great nation.(Genesis 12:2)

The interesting thing is this: Abraham’s wife, Sarah, was barren!!

How was Abraham suppose to be father of many great nations if his wife could not get pregnant???

Oh God had a plan. A plan that would show His hand at work as only He could do. A plan that would proclaim the mighty works of a God who is good, a God who has plans to prosper us and a God that can make something beautiful even out of something so painful and ugly as infertility.

The same God who made Abraham the father of many nations made me a mother in 2009 and 2011.

His faithfulness continues through all generations. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. (Hebrews 13:8)

This is something we can all be thankful for no matter where we find ourselves this Thanksgiving Day 2013. Because even if you find yourself right in the middle of your “fire” – whatever that may be – God’s faithfulness is there.

Look for it and I promise you, you will find it.

five years

I realized the other day that it’s been five years since we were going through all our infertility treatments.

FIVE years. In some ways I can close my eyes and catapulted myself back into that time and feel like I am still in the middle of it all. And in other ways, it feels like that time of my life was a lifetime ago.

For the most part that time seems long ago, but I don’t think there will ever come a time when I won’t be able to easily go back in time and feel like I am in the middle of it all. I will forever remember that season of my life. That time of my life was monumental to who I am today. God used those years and the experience of going through those treatments to mold me into who He wanted me to be today. That time was truly life-changing for me.

Life is so different now than it was back in those days. I try to remember how I spent my time. My house was immaculately clean. I do know that much. There wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere and cleaning the blinds was on the weekly cleaning list.

I still haven’t cleaned the blinds in our house and we’ve been in it almost 6 months now!

It’s funny how priorities, goals and life in general changes as time goes by. Cleaning the blinds is just no longer on my priority list, and I’m so thankful. Not because I disliked cleaning the blinds. With a Swiffer duster, it is actually kinda fun and easy to clean blinds.

But I’m thankful because it means my focus is elsewhere. On my daughters.

The little girls that, five years ago, it seemed they would never be. It is hard to sometimes go back to those desperate times when I wondered if I would ever be a mother. Maybe because in all honesty never becoming a mother just didn’t seem like an option for me. I truthfully believed that I would one day be a mother.

Up until that fateful day on the examination table in the doctor’s office when we learned our IVF cycle wasn’t working quite like we had hoped, I believed one day I would see those two pink lines.

I figured we were just having to go the long route to finally see them. But, eventually, they would be there.

I sometimes wonder if we had continued trudging along on the infertility treatment path, would we have eventually seen those two pink lines?

It is really a mute point because God lead us elsewhere and the what ifs truly don’t matter because we received God’s perfect plan and there is nothing more amazing than that.

Looking back on that time five years ago, I am so thankful God brought us through those treatments and taught us what He did, and then put a stop to them when He did. I am not sure how much more I could have physically and emotionally taken.

The road of adoption certainly wasn’t a cake walk, but strangely enough, it was a breath of fresh air once we knew the treatments were over. Sure I still had to mourn the loss of pregnancy and a biological child, but knowing the treatments were behind us was such a relief.

I am five years removed from that time in my life. It is not even something I think about every day anymore. It is a season of my life that I remember and always will remember. But I am no longer living those days. I have not forgotten that, for some people, maybe someone reading this blog right now, they are living these days every single day.

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. The pain of desiring a child and not becoming pregnant month after month after month when everyone else around you seems to become pregnant so easily is so very hard. I remember the pain of those days. I remember not being able to go to baby showers because it hurt too much and I was fearful I would start crying in the middle of someone else’s celebration. I remember being happy for others who became pregnant but inside it felt like a knife had just stabbed me in my side. I remember falling to a heap on the floor and weeping when we’d get another call that another treatment had not worked. I remember being angry when thinking about all the money we were spending just to attempt pregnancy. I remember feeling angry at my body because it wasn’t working right to be able to conceive.

I remember…

I also remember everything that God taught me during that trial in my life. It’s too much to even begin to type it all out into one little paragraph on this blog post. But, I remember when I started to realize that all this suffering and pain wasn’t about me. It was about God and what He wanted to do in and through my life so that others could see that God did this; not man. I remember when I realized I had a choice to make: was I going to choose to put my trust in God or choose to be angry and bitter about the less than ideal circumstances that I was currently dealing with in my life? I remember when God’s Word (the Bible) spoke to me as I read Jeremiah 29:11 and I knew that I could trust God to keep those promises for me, too. He did have plans for my future, plans that would prosper me and not harm me, plans that would bring me hope and a future. I remember clinging to the words in that verse as if my life depended on it. And, really, my life did depend on it. I was at the bottom of the barrel of hope and those words revived my soul and gave me true hope that can only be found in Jesus Christ. I remember when my outlook on my circumstances changed and I stopped thinking woe-is-me-thoughts and started thinking, Ok, God, how are you going to use all this for your glory!? I am a willing vessel. Use me! Show the world you are God.

I remember…

And then, how could I ever forget what God did next? I can’t and I won’t as long as I ever live.

I will never forget working on our adoption paperwork with renewed hope and expectation that God was going to do something marvelous. I will never forget walking into the adoption agency and then texting my husband moments later, Do you want to be a daddy in June?! I will never forget our first meeting with Little Bug’s birth mother sitting there at the adoption agency. The nerves were high on both ends, but as we talked, there was such tremendous peace. I will never forget walking into that delivery room just in time to see Little Bug enter this world. Poor Tracy had delivered naturally and she was still screaming in pain saying that hurt more than anything she had ever done, but she still had the presence of mind to ask the doctor to let me cut the cord. Such a beautiful gift she gave me to be there at the birth of Little Bug. And I remember what it felt like for Little Bug to be placed in my arms for the very first time. Arms that were once empty were completely full with the expectation that this baby girl was going to be my little girl, always and forever.

And then, not two years later, we found ourselves in the adoption process again! Pregnancy came hard for us (they never came!), but adoptions seemed to just fall in our laps. It was a very clear reminder to me that when God has a plan, He brings it to fruition in His time and in His way. Within two years I became the mother of two little girls.

I remember holding both of my daughters for the first time, one of them still hooked up to all the NICU machines, and just thinking, So this is what my infertility was all about?! God wanted to perform these miracles and He used my broken womb to do so! Wow.

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In those moments all the pain and heartache of infertility made sense. We serve a God that is BIG and desires to do BIG things in our lives, if we are surrendered and allow Him to do His work in our lives. I didn’t go in to the details about how we were matched with our daughters’ birth mothers but each story is a clear picture of the hand of God at work in the lives of everyone involved. He alone is the one who orchestrated the adoptions of my daughters. I had nothing to do with it, except the fact that I surrendered to His plan laying on that examination table. He did the rest and I just happened to have front row seats to the show.

Five years removed from infertility and I can honestly say it is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I still have a broken reproductive system. I don’t need a pregnancy to feel complete. I can sit among a group of women talking about pregnancy and childbirth and not feel like I need to escape now. God has done a work in my life only He could do and I am just so thankful.

If you are reading this and going through infertility or some other trial, there is a purpose that goes beyond you. God desires to do something marvelous in your life! Something beyond anything you can see at this moment. You see hopelessness and despair but God sees a miracle waiting to unfold. God takes bad and makes good as only He can do.

Let the work God has done in and through my battle with infertility serve to bring you hope today.

To God be the glory!

abundantly more

December 13th will forever be a special date in my memory.

It was the beginning of something that would end all too soon, but yet, the timing of it all gave me something I will treasure until the day I die.

Two years ago today I received the unexpected phone call from our lawyer telling me that Tracy, Little Bug’s birth mother, was pregnant.

And while it all ended soon after it began God used those moments to bring Tracy back into our lives for a brief season.

Tracy has absolutely no idea the gift she gave me that Christmas.

Being able to surprise my family with the news that a baby was on the way and Little Bug was going to be a big sister come summer, was a dream I thought had died right along with my dream of pregnancy.

But I spent December 13th through Christmas Morning of 2010 carrying around a sacred secret that only my husband and I knew. That tiny baby wasn’t in my womb; that baby wasn’t even in Tracy’s womb.

She was in Melody’s womb, but we didn’t know Melody at the time and wouldn’t for another five months! And yet God still allowed a Christmas pregnancy announcement.

I will never as long as I live forget my Mama’s scream when she put two and two together and realized what was going on.

The faithfulness of our God continues to astound me. The work God did in and through my infertility leaves me humbled before Him as my heart simply says tonight as I reflect on this day two years ago, Thank you, Lord. Thank you for choosing me to walk this road. Thank you for showing me how you truly bring beauty from ashes and make all things new in your perfect time.

This Christmas if you are where I was pre-April 9th, 2009, hang in there. If you are just hanging on by a hair of faith, keep hanging. Infertility is not the end of the world, even though, now, today, it seems like all hope is lost. I know. I was there. I’ve felt hopeless despair. But, keep hanging! Our God is faithful and if you step back and allow God to do His work, He will. He absolutely will. His work may not line up with your plans (okay, it probably won’t line up with your plans) but that is perfectly okay. Do you believe in your heart that it’s perfectly okay? Because that is the first step in walking towards God’s perfect for you.

My daughters, these two precious girls that you see right here? They were so not my plan.

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But they are perfect in every way imaginable and I cannot imagine what life would be like today had I not had a run-in with infertility.

Infertility took a lot from me, yes, but it has given abundantly more.

Abundantly more.

When it all began…

We are coming up on the 4 year anniversary of the Sunday in church when God first opened up my heart to adoption and I saw that as a real possibility to grow our family.

I’ll never forget how it felt like something completely washed over me from head to toe as I sat there in Sunday School and heard a friend say that her adopted son’s birth mother was pregnant again. My immediate reaction was, “I’d like to adopt that baby!”.

That shocked me, really, because I still believed God had a biological child for us.

As time went on though those adoption thoughts lingered and I decided to ask Dave what he thought about the option of adoption.

He wasn’t terribly open to the idea at first, but we both agreed that I should contact our friends from Sunday School who had adopted and ask to speak to them about the adoption process so that we could learn more about it.

January 10th we went over to their house and spent a couple of hours talking about adoption.

It is strange to me that there was a time in my life when adoption was a foreign concept to me!

We learned a whole lot that evening. Minutes after getting in our car to go home we both felt like if God opened the door to do an IVF cycle (we were waiting to find out if we would be approved for a grant to do an IVF cycle in early 2009), we would do IVF first and hopefully have one biological child and then we would adopt the rest of our children.

I chuckle at that now. It’s good to make plans, but we must leave room for God to reveal HIS PLANS to us.

After getting home that night, adoption was heavily on my mind. I remember I was sitting at the computer desk when a catchy little poem popped in my head. I jotted it down and then ended up typing it up on the computer, printing it out and placing it in a picture frame that had one word written along the bottom: Miracle.

Little did I know that God was about to do this exact miracle in my life and that poem was prophetic of what was to come!

It said: Our miracle has come, not in my womb but in our hearts! We are going to adopt. Baby (our last name) is on the way! She will be here in the month of May.

That was January 10th, 2009, and Little Bug was born in May of that year!

We had not even spoken with the adoption agency yet, but guess when Tracy first contacted the adoption agency?

December of 2008 – the exact month my heart was opened to adoption.

As life has moved on from my infertility days and even from the days when it seemed like we were always in the middle of some kind of adoption drama, I never want to forget the faithfulness of God during that season of my life.

Life is smooth sailing as far as infertility and adoption processes go. I am not bitter about my broken body and we do not plan to adopt again anytime soon or possibly ever. I can truly look back on that time in my life and see it as my past now.

But I never want to forget. I never want to forget the pain of infertility and what God did through my broken body.

He has restored everything. Yes, my reproductive organs are as useless as they were four years ago, but I am whole because through it all I have experienced first-hand two miracles and the faithfulness of God through it all.

Bleck

That is how I have felt the last two days. Why?

Because “Aunt Flo” is here.

I am getting sick and tired of feeling this way for at least a day or two every single month.

I have zero energy (not good with two children to care for – that certainly requires more energy than it takes to lay in bed all day), cramps (that fortunately can be controlled with Motrin – pre-surgery there were many times I couldn’t control the pain by simply popping three pills every 4ish hours) and I am just “on edge” which could be translated to “mean”.

I don’t talk much about my own infertility any more on this blog because, quite simply, it is in my past and it doesn’t affect me in the least bit anymore – except on days like today and yesterday.

But I’m telling you, if I could, I would have it all taken out tomorrow. It serves NO purpose in my life except to make me a Mean Person a couple days of every month.

I am way less patient with my children when I feel like this and I am currently sitting at home alone while my family goes off. I just didn’t have the energy to get up and go and be social.

I think if my “cycles” had ever served a purpose in my life, I would have more patience with them right now! But I can remember thinking as a teen and when I was writhing in bed from painful cramps, missing school, that one day, this would all be for something.

Because one day these cycles were going to allow me to become a mother and have a baby!

Well, these cycles have done nothing but bring misery to my life since they began for me at the age of 13!

And I’m sick of it!!!

I.hate.having.a.period.every.single.month.

I’ve thought about trying to get on birth control to level my hormones out, but birth control and I do not get along. Last time I was on it, it left me feeling dizzy and nauseous 24/7. That is no way to live life, either.

Guess I just have to stick this out until menopause. Oh, menopause, come quickly. I know. Menopause isn’t fun. But it will be a season of “not fun” and then I will be free from menstruation for the rest of my life. AMEN.

End of rant.

My life is about to change.

My life is about to change.

I will be the mother to two little girls. Just allowing myself to type that is a step of faith because I keep myself so guarded during the adoption process, that I don’t really even allow myself to think about what will be. I live in the present, taking one day at a time.

But on this morning, God woke me up (on my sleep in morning when I should be sleeping until Dave and Little Bug come in here to wake me up!) so I figured He must have something to tell me. So I grabbed my journal and started writing and this is what God laid on my heart:

To think of where I was just three years ago…we were starting infertility treatments, had just done our first IUI and August 4th, 2008 was blood test day.

There was so much HOPE that finally my dream was going to come true.

Finally, I would see those TWO pink lines, and the pain of all the months that had passed with no pregnancy suddenly wouldn’t matter as I looked at that pregnancy test and realized I was finally pregnant.

But August 4th came and we went to the clinic for my blood draw, came back home and began the wait until my cell phone would ring giving us news that our dream had come true.

That day we had planned to work on a project outside. We replaced all the wood mulch with red lava rocks in the front flower bed. I knew I needed a distractor as we waited for the phone to ring.

We had finished the project and we were inside when the phone call finally came.

I answered immediately shaking and holding my breath to hear the words my nurse, Holly, had to tell me.

I’m sorry, you are not pregnant, is NOT what I wanted to hear that day, but those are the words that came out of her mouth.

As soon as I hung up, I started crying. It wasn’t the trickle-of-tears-running-slowly-down-my-face kind of crying. It was uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs. Screams of why? and a feeling as though the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders.

One of the lowest points of my journey through infertility, for sure.

But GOD had a plan! Even as I sobbed uncontrollably and screamed at God asking why He couldn’t have just let it work, God had a plan.

In a way only God would orchestrate, He picked up the pieces of my broken heart that day and became my Strength as I pressed on to what was next.

God used August 4th and all the months that were still ahead and full of more disappointments and heartbreak to grow my faith in Him and teach me about His Plan being absolutely perfect and bigger and better than my wildest dreams.

Almost three years to the day of August 4th, 2008, I stand in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in and through my life.

If my life doesn’t proclaim the truth of Jeremiah 29:11, I don’t know what does.

If my life doesn’t proclaim that GOD IS FAITHFUL THROUGH IT ALL, I don’t know what does.

And so in these final days/weeks of our journey to #2, I press on, walking in faith.