It’s over

We set forth for Cycle Two now.

Dr. F said it is not uncommon for the stress of undergoing fertility treatments to produce poor sperm samples. This is what has happened to us. Dr. F said sperm samples can be produced and then freezed and then thawed for insemination. We will probably go that route next time.

Dr. F and the nurse were very understanding for which we are grateful.

Pray for us today as we pick up the pieces and try to make some sense out of yesterday and today.

Please, God

Please God are the only words that I can say.

Same story as yesterday. We are waiting to discuss our options with the doctor.

All I can do is cry out to God and beg for a miracle. The kind of miracle where blind men can see, the lame can walk and 5,000 can eat from a boy’s lunch. Hopeless situations where God steps in and moves as only He can. That is what we need today. A miracle.

I want to scream and hit and be angry at God. I have never felt this way before nor been in such a bleak situation like this. I am hanging on by a thread to the words I wrote last night about trusting that if this is the month, we will conceive, no matter how bleak the situation.

My heart does not want to accept another month gone by with no pregnancy. I am sick and tired of saying, “There is always next month.”

God has a plan and purpose but keeping my focus on that in the midst of the largest storm of my life is the hardest thing God has ever asked me to do.

Please pray I can remain strong, holding onto a thread of hope. Pray my eyes will focus on the horizon. If I take my eyes off God today and focus on my desire to be pregnant, all the months of tears and frustration, lack of sperm necessary to do the procedure and the anger that is building up in me, I will be in a worse situation than I am now.

Please, God. Show us your plan.

Up and Down, Up and Down

Up and down, up and down. There are no other words to describe this journey.

Today was a down. A big down. However today was a different down than usual, especially for me. So in a way, today’s down was a huge victory for me. Instead of losing it emotionally and crying uncontrollably, screaming, hitting, and feeling completely hopeless, I cried and had my time of mourning, but then moved on to the next step instead of staying in hopelessness. And because of that, God received glory today.

We went to the doctor’s office early this morning for insemination but ended up not being able to inseminate. The sperm sample was not adequate for insemination. The nurse handed us a kit to collect a sample at home.

Dr. F told us this is not terribly uncommon. He told us to not stress about this morning at all, but to go home and relax and enjoy the day together to be ready for tomorrow. Also, he said the second insemination is the most important anyway as far as timing goes. He said ovulation occurs most commonly between 30-50 hours after the shot. 30 hours will be 3:00 A.M.

Tonight I am resting in the truth that if this is the month, it WILL happen, no matter the circumstances. And that is the difference in today’s down from all the others. To God be the glory.

Please, please pray for us tomorrow.

Inseminating on Saturday & Sunday

Today I had W. W saw the left follicle and it was still about 15mm which is ok. She said they have induced ovulation when follicles were only 14mm and women have gotten pregnant. The right follicle seems to be stalled in growth and W told me sometimes the dominant follicle will cause any other follicle to stop growing.

I was just hoping to have one egg on the left and one on the right so when the sperm are in there, no matter which way they decide to swim, there will be an egg for possible fertilization!

W wasn’t 100% sure what is going on with the right follicle. She told me with different people doing each ultrasound with different ways of doing things, there is room for some discrepancy here. And we are talking millimeters. Tiny millimeters.

I am thankful for that still perfectly shaped left follicle. W, as well as S, said that is a perfect follicle. And I know if this is the appointed time for us to conceive, we will, no matter how many or how big the follicles are.

Tonight at 9:00 P.M. I will receive the hCG shot to induce ovulation. Insemination will be Saturday, May 31 and Sunday, June 1. We have to be at the doctor’s office at 7:30 A.M. for the insemination process. The schedule is the same for Sunday. After washing the sperm, the sperm will go through a “swim test” and the hope is to have at least 20 million healthy, mobile sperm for insemination. W said today that women have gotten pregnant from just putting in 5 million. After all, it only takes one sperm!

Keep praying!

One follicle on right and One follicle on LEFT

This morning I went in and wasn’t on that table more than a minute and S finds the LEFT ovary and declares, “You have an absolutely perfect follicle here. They don’t come better than this.” She printed off a picture and handed it to me to keep. This follicle on the left is 15mm. It looks like the other follicle on the left did stop growing which is perfectly normal and fine because our goal here is one healthy baby, not triplets!

Then she went to the right ovary and found it right away and announced that there is a 13mm follicle there.

Cycle One is still on go. I will go back tomorrow for another ultrasound to check growth once again. But in the words of S as we were leaving the ultrasound room, “Things are going perfect.”

When I asked S what would be done if the follicles are ready for ovulation/insemination on the weekend she said, “Then we do it on the weekend.” S says we will probably be ready for insemination on Saturday/Sunday or Sunday/Monday.

As the plaque in my living room states, “PRAYER CHANGES THINGS”. It does. And as I am learning, it can change not only our circumstances but our perspective on our circumstances too. Thank you for praying. Prayer requests to follow.

I have not ovulated

Around noon today H called me with the news that the blood test results show I have not ovulated. Apparently, Dr. F did not see my left ovary yesterday and just wrote on my chart, “Not visualized. Free fluid.” My ovaries are hard to find (especially the left) and when he was done with the ultrasound I was thinking, “But we never saw the left.” When I asked about it, I was told there was free fluid so I probably ovulated already. I am going to choose now to leave yesterday’s appointment in the past even though it frustrates and confuses me to no end.

So here is where we stand as of today (and I’m learning things can drastically change over a very small span of time):

I go back tomorrow for another ultrasound at 8:30A.M. S, the nurse who was there at the HSG exam back in April, will be the one doing the ultrasound. Angele and I were very impressed with her at that exam. I am thinking she will be more determined to find the left ovary. And if she is not, I plan to help her be determined because I am going to refuse to get off that table until the left ovary/follicles are seen, even if I have to find them myself!! 🙂

Cycle One is still alive! If the follicles continue to grow (H said today they are growing at a slow pace) insemination will just be delayed. If the follicles seem to be stalled in growth, Cycle One is over.

Today I have had so many people either call, email or write on the blog that they are praying. The Bible Study I have been going to stopped in the middle of prayer requests to pray for me today when Angele was telling them what was going on. (I wasn’t there.) My mom told me today of someone who called her from church saying she was praying things would go well. I thank each and every one of you for your prayer support. That is exactly what we need at this time – fellow believers calling on the Lord for us. Prayer is crucial in this process and is just another way for God to receive glory when we see the Hand of God interceding.

New prayer requests to follow.

Low Temps

When we first started trying to get pregnant back in August, I read the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It was all about natural family planning. The first few chapters or so explain, in detail, everything that must happen for conception to take place. After reading that I realized even more that any birth is a miracle of God because of all the things that have to happen, in a specific order and time, for conception to happen. I used to think sperm meets egg and bam, there’s a baby. And while that does happen, I wasn’t aware of all the preparations both the female and male body go through to prepare for conception. It is just fascinating and shows once again what a mighty God we serve. And it makes it easy to understand why 1 out of 6 couples suffers with infertility.

The baseline of preventing or achieving a pregnancy is to chart temperatures (among other things). Temperatures are low before ovulation and high after ovulation and there is a distinct difference between the highs and lows. When the temps spike, ovulation was probably the day before the temperature spiked. Now, to give Dr. Fox some credit, it can be hard at times to distinguish between the highs and lows and pinpoint the day of ovulation. However, after charting for about 18 months now, I know my body and cycles pretty well. And my temperatures are very low, indicating ovulation has not occurred. I wish doctors in general would give more credit to this.

I have yet to hear from the doctor about the blood test results. I’ll call at 9:30 A.M. if they haven’t already called me.

No call

I have not heard from the doctor about the blood test results. I have called and left a message and also emailed my nurse.

If you can’t tell, I am a little frustrated at the whole ordeal. I’m just tired. Tired of dream after dream dying. Tired of waiting and waiting. Tired of spending money for nothing. I guess you could say I’m having a hard time accepting God’s will right now and was hoping beyond hoping that maybe, just maybe, God’s will would be for this to work the first time.

Please pray that I can surrender my will for God’s and focus on the positives. (ie. It could be worse, I suppose. Like getting the phone call everyone dreads on the infertility road telling them that after all the ups and downs, procedures, pokes and prods and money spent, “The Blood Test” has come back and no, sorry, you’re not pregnant. Currently, my worse nightmare.)

Thanks for letting me vent even though I have no idea exactly how many people really read this blog. But writing has always been very therapeutic for me.

I’m counting on rejoicing coming in the morning…

Pray…

  1. Pray the 3 dominant follicles will continue to grow and reach 18mm on Tuesday so I can receive the hCG shot.
  2. Start praying for many, healthy, mobile sperm to be available for insemination on Wednesday & Thursday.
  3. Pray the lining of my uterus will get to 8mm (it is at 6mm now). **Uterus lining at 7mm on May 27.
  4. Pray we will conceive on May 28 or 29.
  5. Pray Dave and I will continue to ultimately surrender our will for God’s Will and trust in His Timing.

Three Follicles!

There are three follicles that have the potential of ovulating! God is answering our prayers!

My right ovary has one follicle that is 9mm. My left ovary has two follicles that are both 8mm. On Tuesday I am scheduled for another ultrasound and the follicles need to be at around 18mm in order for me to receive the hCG shot. The nurse told me the follicles usually grow 1-2mm per day (which would put those 3 follicles at around 18mm on Tuesday) so the nurse told me these follicles are right where they should be right now in this growth process.

I am confident this is all a result of the many prayers you have prayed on our behalf.

The hCG shot will induce ovulation making the 18mm follicles grow to 20-24mm which is where they need to be for ovulation to occur. Approximately 24-72 hours after given the hCG shot, I should ovulate the matured follicles. I learned today that I have to administer the hCG shot myself because it will need to be given at 9:00 P.M. for timing purposes. I am going to try to avoid having to do this by asking a nurse that I know to do it for me. 🙂
**Thank you, Julia, for saying you’ll give me the shot!

So as of today, God still has us on the road to insemination on Wednesday, May 28th!

Keep praying!