My life is about to change.

My life is about to change.

I will be the mother to two little girls. Just allowing myself to type that is a step of faith because I keep myself so guarded during the adoption process, that I don’t really even allow myself to think about what will be. I live in the present, taking one day at a time.

But on this morning, God woke me up (on my sleep in morning when I should be sleeping until Dave and Little Bug come in here to wake me up!) so I figured He must have something to tell me. So I grabbed my journal and started writing and this is what God laid on my heart:

To think of where I was just three years ago…we were starting infertility treatments, had just done our first IUI and August 4th, 2008 was blood test day.

There was so much HOPE that finally my dream was going to come true.

Finally, I would see those TWO pink lines, and the pain of all the months that had passed with no pregnancy suddenly wouldn’t matter as I looked at that pregnancy test and realized I was finally pregnant.

But August 4th came and we went to the clinic for my blood draw, came back home and began the wait until my cell phone would ring giving us news that our dream had come true.

That day we had planned to work on a project outside. We replaced all the wood mulch with red lava rocks in the front flower bed. I knew I needed a distractor as we waited for the phone to ring.

We had finished the project and we were inside when the phone call finally came.

I answered immediately shaking and holding my breath to hear the words my nurse, Holly, had to tell me.

I’m sorry, you are not pregnant, is NOT what I wanted to hear that day, but those are the words that came out of her mouth.

As soon as I hung up, I started crying. It wasn’t the trickle-of-tears-running-slowly-down-my-face kind of crying. It was uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs. Screams of why? and a feeling as though the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders.

One of the lowest points of my journey through infertility, for sure.

But GOD had a plan! Even as I sobbed uncontrollably and screamed at God asking why He couldn’t have just let it work, God had a plan.

In a way only God would orchestrate, He picked up the pieces of my broken heart that day and became my Strength as I pressed on to what was next.

God used August 4th and all the months that were still ahead and full of more disappointments and heartbreak to grow my faith in Him and teach me about His Plan being absolutely perfect and bigger and better than my wildest dreams.

Almost three years to the day of August 4th, 2008, I stand in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in and through my life.

If my life doesn’t proclaim the truth of Jeremiah 29:11, I don’t know what does.

If my life doesn’t proclaim that GOD IS FAITHFUL THROUGH IT ALL, I don’t know what does.

And so in these final days/weeks of our journey to #2, I press on, walking in faith.

THE DAY

THE DAY was today.

Negative. I’m not pregnant.

I have about a million and one things rolling through my mind and when I have had time to get it organized in my mind I will try to write and share with you on this blog.

Just please keep praying. This is hard. So hard. Especially on the night I had envisioned FINALLY being able to share good news with family and friends. Instead it looks like we will be taking a trip to Wal-Mart for tampons.

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalm 126:5

Believe me, I am sowing the tears as I type.

And I do still believe, amazingly enough, that one day, ONE FINE DAY, there will be songs of joy.

A Recap of the Past Year

I thought it only appropriate to think back on the events of the past year since it was a year ago, this month, we first started trying to conceive. If you wish to go down “Memory Lane” with me…read on!

August 2007 … Life was good! Married three months ago, Dave and I decided this month would be a good time to start trying to conceive. I had read the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and hoped, Lord willing, by at least December of that year, we would have wonderful news to share with our family and friends!

September 20, 2007 … In the wee hours of that morning, I got up knowing it was the first day I could take a pregnancy test. The past two-weeks or so had been spent daydreaming about how I would share the news with my family and friends. I did the test, took it into the closet so the light wouldn’t wake Dave up and waited the three minutes to hopefully see the two pink lines. There was only one. Not pregnant this month. There is always next month.

This process repeated itself four more times. Each month, I was so hopeful this would be the month. But each month my dreams died. But I’d always tell myself, “There is always next month.”

December came and went and there was still always only one pink line instead of two. I was hoping to be able to tell my family on Christmas Day we were pregnant. But instead, a few days before Christmas Day I tested and there was one pink line. Then on Christmas Day the test was confirmed negative when my period arrived.

By January we had been trying for six months and I knew something wasn’t quite right. The book I mentioned above said if you don’t conceive within six months of using the methods taught in the book, go see a doctor.

February of 2008 I went to see a holistic OB-GYN. Blood work was done on me and a semen analysis for Dave. When the results of those came back we were told it wouldn’t hurt to see a fertility specialist.

March 12, 2008 … We had our first meeting with Dr. L.

The rest of March and April were spent undergoing these tests and then waiting for results.

March is also when I started this blog. When life doesn’t go as you plan, I’ve learned it’s because God is up to something far greater than the issue at hand. I knew God was going to use these circumstances in my life to bring glory to His name and I wanted someplace to document the Hand of God at work in my life. I also wanted a tool to allow family and friends to pray and walk through with us on this journey.

April 23, 2008 … All tests results had arrived back in the hands of Dr. L and we were to meet him again in his office to go over the results and then discuss a treatment plan.

Bracing myself for the worst of news, we left the office that day with news that was far from devestating. In reading other infertility blogs, I have read about people who have a doctor say there is nothing they can do with their own eggs and sperm – they will have to use donor eggs and sperm.

Our diagnosis was simple compared to a diagnosis like that. Because of my very mild case of polysistic ovaries and Dave’s mild low count/low motility, Dr. L suggested we do IUI (intrauterine insemination).

August 2008 … Life is still good. Would I choose this for myself? Absoultely not! I would not choose countless nights of crying and wondering, “When will it ever be MY turn?” I would not choose having to go through fertility treatments because they drain you physically and emotionally. I would not choose to feel this pain.

But I know my weaknesses are made perfect through God’s strength. I know the promise of Jeremiah 29:11. I know my life’s purpose is to bring glory to His Name. I know God has placed within me a great desire to mother many children. I know God is at work. And I know His People are praying.

And that brings me peace.

Waiting game continues

I’m just so ready to know one way or the other! The days are getting fewer and fewer.

I really need prayers for God’s grace to sustain me when I hear the news, especially if it is news I am not wanting to hear. His grace is sufficient in all things.

Even so I know that on THAT DAY I will be on pins and needles. I have absolutely NO CLUE what I am going to do with myself between the time of going to have the blood work done and then receiving the phone call with the results. Nothing will be able to preoccupy my mind!

Oh well, I guess it’s just going to have to be the most nerve racking time in my life thus far. And then when that phone does ring…oh my! Will my hands even be sturdy enough to answer? Let’s face it…I’m going to be a basketcase THAT DAY! There’s just no way around it.

Please just pray. I know you are/will. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

On Eagles Wings

On Sunday night Dave and I went to the Sunday night service at Dave’s parents’ church in Bryceville (which is also the church Dave grew up in).

The pastor read Deuteronomy 32:10-11, "In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; he guarded him as the apple of his eye, like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions."

When an eaglet is learning to fly, the eagle nudges the eaglet from the nest and then flys with the eaglet to catch him if he falls.

This particular passage from the Bible is talking about Israel and how God guarded them. But I also knew at that moment, as the preacher continued to preach, that this passage was also referring to me and anyone else out there needing protection from God.

I had a vivid picture in my mind of me leaving my house on the day I go have the blood work done to see if I am pregnant. I saw myself setting forth to find out if I am pregnant, knowing full well if I am not pregnant, I will fall. It will be a huge let down, an enormous disappointment.

But the picture didn’t stop there in my mind.

Like the eagle catches its eaglet when he falls, I saw God catching me.

To Buy Tampons or to Not Buy Tampons…

…That is the question.

I went to Wal-Mart today. Before going, I always make a list. This morning as I was checking to see what I needed to buy, I noticed I’m out of tampons.

Then came the question, "Do I buy them or do I not buy them?"

I chose not to buy them.

Not that by not buying them will change anything.

I will just hope beyond all hope that I will not need them for a long, long time.

[Sorry if the content of this post made anyone squirm in their seat as they read. But this is the reality of the situation I find myself in and I wanted to share.]

Staying very busy

Keeping myself busy really does help me not to sit and think and contemplate about what I HOPE is happening in my body.

I spent most of today with Angele and Kelly. Tomorrow I will keep busy with Amanda. I am going to see Grace and Evan at some point. Next week, I plan to help Maria get her classroom set up for this new school year. She had to move classrooms again this year and has lots to get organized. Also, next Tuesday is Grace’s 10th birthday! I look forward to celebrating with her.

So thank you to all the local family and friends here that are helping me stay busy!

And I cannot say enough to EVERYONE: Thank you so much for praying! Everywhere I go it seems I hear people say, “I am praying for you.” Many of you have left comments on this blog saying you are praying. I have received several emails from people saying they are praying. Thank you! It really is sustaining me through this waiting time.

Keep praying!!

Waiting = Torture

Waiting to hear if you are pregnant or not pregnant is torture. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Last night I was a mixture of emotions. I was at peace and then an hour later, I was worrying. All kinds of things were flying through my mind.

My greatest fear in all this is the IUI not working the first time, the second time and the third time. Dr. L suggested we try three IUIs before moving to IVF. For some reason, my mind keeps drifting to the third negative result and then having to face the reality of IVF.

I know I cannot allow myself to think that way.

God reminded me of a verse in the Bible we are all probably very familiar with. In these current circumstances I see this verse now in a whole new light. The verse is, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34".

Just going through three cycles of IUI is enough trouble for now! Thinking about anything beyond this is worrying about tomorrow. For now, I am not there. I cannot allow myself to think about the tomorrows.

However, I must come to grips that God may end my walk on this road to pregnancy in two weeks and He may not. I must rest in the simple fact that if God does indeed not allow conception in these three cycles, He will go with me in what lies ahead. He will give me strength to face the tomorrows that are possibly coming my way.

And then I thought about my ultimate goal in all this…for God to receive glory through this. So I asked myself, "How can I best give God the glory during this two-week wait?"

Certainly not by worrying about something that may never happen. I believe I can best give God the glory as I wait by surrendering my fears to Him and trusting Him.

I wish trusting God was human nature – but, unfortunately, it is the complete opposite. But something I’ve learned is that God likes to put us in situations where we are completely out of control and the only thing left to do is surrender to Him.

That’s exactly where I am tonight as I write this post. I was here not to long ago when I was waiting and waiting and waiting what seemed like forever for Dave to come into my life. I remember God bringing me to a place where it hit me that I was completely out of control and God was asking me to surrender my will and trust Him.

God blessed me with the gift of Dave. I do not know the hows or whens of pregnancy but I do know my God is faithful through the ages (Psalm 119:90). It is there I find hope and peace.

Please don’t stop praying. Please pray through the power of Jesus Christ in me, I can keep my mind focused on the things of God and not on the fears that so easily come creeping into my mind.

Only God Can

It really is amazing what doctor’s can do to help couples conceive. They can manipulate a woman’s body to produce hormones her body does not make itself. They can give a woman injections that will allow her body to have more than one follicle mature for ovulation, therefore increasing the chance of pregnancy. Doctor’s can even take one sperm and inject it into one egg in a procedure called ICSI. But there is one thing no doctor anywhere can do.

Make conception happen. No fertility doctor anywhere in the world has a 100% conception guarantee for the fertility treatments performed in their clinic.

Yes, doctors can time everything right and get a woman ready to ovulate and then place millions of sperm in her uterus to hopefully meet the egg (IUI). Doctors can even bring sperm and egg together outside the woman’s reproductive tract and then transfer 3 to 5 day old embryos into the woman’s uterus (IVF).

If you stop and think about it long enough, it really is amazing what doctors can do.

But when it comes to the actual formation of life, the fusing of egg and sperm, only God can do that because He is the creator of life. Doctors cannot force conception.

It brings much peace to know that is in the very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. Please pray with me today that God will bring egg and sperm together today and create Baby.

Second Insemination

Today another 7.7 million mixture of fresh and frozen sperm were put in me.

One of the nurses did the procedure today. When she came in she pointed to the "fertility god" hanging from the monitor and said hopefully that would bring us luck today. I told her, "I don’t need that fertility god because we have the real God."

Thank you for praying for another successful insemination day.

And now we head into the two-week wait.