**Written Saturday morning, Sept 27**
I do not think I am pregnant. And it is not because I haven’t felt any of the early pregnancy signs. It is also not because I am being pessimistic.
It is because God has taught me so much during last month’s resting cycle and during this IUI cycle.
God has taught me about Who He is – not just what He can do.
From the very start of this journey, I have never doubted that God could allow conception to happen – if He wanted. This comes from a firm belief that it is God and God alone that allows conception to happen. Couples may spend months trying to conceive but ultimately it is God that makes it happen.
So when month after month went by with no conception for me it became very easy to ask God why. Especially, when I knew and believed with all my heart that He alone had the power to make it happen. So why aren’t you, God? Why? It’s not fair. Look at all the people around me that so easily get pregnant. All I want is to be a mother!
That was my heart’s cry for many months.
And then God told me to STOP and BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.
And it was then that God began teaching me about who He is.
God is a God that loves me with an everlasting love, an eternal love. He is my creator and He has created me just the way he wants me. He knows the number of hairs on my head. And He knows my days before one of them was ever lived.
God is a God who deserves all glory and praise.
Mix these two ingredients together and you get a God who, out of His love for us, desires that our lives paint a beautiful picture of His majesty and glory.
Scripture warns us that in this world we will have troubles. But we are to take heart, knowing God has overcome the world.
Hence, infertility troubles.
And God has indeed overcome these troubles for me – and I haven’t even seen 2 pink lines yet!
God has taught me who He is. And what He can do is really only because of who He is.
God is a God who has a plan for my life that only He can orchestrate.
**Written Sunday morning, Sept. 28**
He is orchestrating this plan even today.
I woke up this morning and took my temperature like I do every morning. My temperature had significantly dropped signifying that sometime soon, probably before the day’s end, my period will start.
Just like cycle 1 and 2, cycle 3 did not result in a pregnancy. However, there is a purpose in everything. And I believe the purpose of cycle 3 was not pregnancy but perspective.
The miracle of today is not a baby growing inside of me. It is something far greater. Today, I lack nothing. Because today I have everything God intended for me to have. He never intended for cycle 3 to be successful.
He intended to teach me who He is. And He has done just that.
So on this 15th cycle of desiring greatly to be pregnant but finding out once again I am not, it is time to put my faith to action and live believing what God has taught me.
If God could mail me a letter I think it would say:
I know today’s news greatly disappoints you. But please trust me. I am at work orchestrating a beautiful plan for you that is far greater than finding out today you are pregnant.
I love you,
Today there are tears but there will not be fits of rage because God is a God of marvelous planning. Today I choose to trust in the Lord and know that faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)
God’s Grace is sufficient for me.
PS: I can’t make myself pick up the phone to call people to break the news. So I’m just going to let this post do it for me. Hope you can understand that.