God’s Grace Is Sufficient – Yesterday, Today and Forever

**Written Saturday morning, Sept 27**

I do not think I am pregnant. And it is not because I haven’t felt any of the early pregnancy signs. It is also not because I am being pessimistic.

It is because God has taught me so much during last month’s resting cycle and during this IUI cycle.

God has taught me about Who He is – not just what He can do.

From the very start of this journey, I have never doubted that God could allow conception to happen – if He wanted. This comes from a firm belief that it is God and God alone that allows conception to happen. Couples may spend months trying to conceive but ultimately it is God that makes it happen.

So when month after month went by with no conception for me it became very easy to ask God why. Especially, when I knew and believed with all my heart that He alone had the power to make it happen. So why aren’t you, God? Why? It’s not fair. Look at all the people around me that so easily get pregnant. All I want is to be a mother!

That was my heart’s cry for many months.

And then God told me to STOP and BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.

And it was then that God began teaching me about who He is.

God is a God that loves me with an everlasting love, an eternal love. He is my creator and He has created me just the way he wants me. He knows the number of hairs on my head. And He knows my days before one of them was ever lived.

God is a God who deserves all glory and praise.

Mix these two ingredients together and you get a God who, out of His love for us, desires that our lives paint a beautiful picture of His majesty and glory.

Scripture warns us that in this world we will have troubles. But we are to take heart, knowing God has overcome the world.

Hence, infertility troubles.

And God has indeed overcome these troubles for me – and I haven’t even seen 2 pink lines yet!

God has taught me who He is. And what He can do is really only because of who He is.

God is a God who has a plan for my life that only He can orchestrate.

**Written Sunday morning, Sept. 28**

He is orchestrating this plan even today.

I woke up this morning and took my temperature like I do every morning. My temperature had significantly dropped signifying that sometime soon, probably before the day’s end, my period will start.

Just like cycle 1 and 2, cycle 3 did not result in a pregnancy. However, there is a purpose in everything. And I believe the purpose of cycle 3 was not pregnancy but perspective.

The miracle of today is not a baby growing inside of me. It is something far greater. Today, I lack nothing. Because today I have everything God intended for me to have. He never intended for cycle 3 to be successful.

He intended to teach me who He is. And He has done just that.

So on this 15th cycle of desiring greatly to be pregnant but finding out once again I am not, it is time to put my faith to action and live believing what God has taught me.

If God could mail me a letter I think it would say:

Dear Elaine,

I know today’s news greatly disappoints you. But please trust me. I am at work orchestrating a beautiful plan for you that is far greater than finding out today you are pregnant.

I love you,

Jesus

Today there are tears but there will not be fits of rage because God is a God of marvelous planning. Today I choose to trust in the Lord and know that faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

God’s Grace is sufficient for me.

PS: I can’t make myself pick up the phone to call people to break the news. So I’m just going to let this post do it for me. Hope you can understand that.

God’s Grace will be Sufficient

I’ve had these thoughts rolling through my mind for several days now but haven’t been able to put them into words or answer a very tough question I have. I am going to attempt now.

On September 29th one of two scenarios will happen. Each scenario starts out the same.

I will get up and go to the doctor, have my blood drawn and drive back home. Then, Dave and I will start pressure washing our house to keep us busy while we await the news. That will work for awhile but soon I will begin to get extremely antsy from the suspense. I will just want to know – one way or the other. I will threaten to go to Wal-Mart and get my own test so I can know in 3 minutes if the nurse doesn’t call me within the hour!

And then my cell phone will ring.

It is at this point in the story that there will be a fork in the road and two very different outcomes.

If I hear, "You are pregnant!" on the other end of the phone there are no words to describe how I will feel. But I know I will be praising the Lord for this tremendous blessing! And then I will think about the shear joy it will be to tell my mom and dad. The excitement and joy I will see on their face will forever be imprinted in my mind.

And if I hear, "Sorry. You are not pregnant." on the other end of the phone, there will be another day of incessant crying and rages of anger.

Here is the tough question.

Does it have to be this way?

Instead of crying uncontrollably and being angry, why not celebrate the fact that God is still at work?

God has taught me so much in the past month or two.

  • God’s plan is not only good – but the ultimate best for me!
  • The purpose of my life is to bring glory and honor to Jesus Christ.
  • God brings trials in my life so He can draw me close to Him and bring glory to His Name.
  • If I surrender my will for God’s, I will receive His will for my life.
  • God has plans that far surpass anything I can even imagine.
  • God’s grace is sufficient.
  • Each day is a gift from God and He know every intricate detail of my days.
  • It is God Himself who has put this desire in my heart to be a mother – so He can use this desire to draw me close to Him as I trust Him to bless me with a baby.

I really feel like God is asking me, if I am not pregnant once again, to TRUST HIM IMEDDIATELY instead of going into a fit of rage and then deciding to trust Him.

When I say fit of rage I mean fit of rage. It is not a pretty sight. Finding out we are not pregnant is a very dark day at our house. Very dark.

But does it have to be???

I say I want to bring God glory in this. So does crying incessantly or shedding some tears (I am not naive to say that my goal here is no tears! I am human and I do want to be pregnant.) and then putting my mind, heart and soul into thinking about the truths God has taught me, bring God the most glory? 

I think the second brings God more glory. And I know that there is no way I, in my own strength, can possible do that. NO WAY. If it’s up to me we are going down the fits of rage path. But if indeed I hear the sentence with the not again, I can only trust that GOD’S GRACE WILL BE SUFFICENT.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.        2 Corinthians 12:9-10

And now…we wait…again

Day two went just as well as day one. We had 24 million sperm for today’s insemination so that is a total of 47 million! I know I had originally written that we would probably have 75 million sperm.

That figure was wrong…partly because I am mathematically challenged and partly because T forgot to factor something in when she was figuring up our numbers. I’m telling you, the whole sperm aspect is so confusing. There are these formulas that T uses to get the counts and for a girl who had hives in highschool every time it was time to sit down and do algebra homework, it is just confusing.

And yes, I really did get hives every time it was algebra homework time. Fortunately, I grew up in a home with a math wiz father who tutored me through every single math class I had to take during highschool and college. Notice the word had. I didn’t ever sign up for a math class I didn’t have to have to graduate…unlike my father who took some math classes just for the “fun” of it! Anyways, I survived all my math classes with A’s thanks to my dad. And I have lots of good memories from the many hours I spent studying math with my dad by my side.

I know this post is all over the map and covers many topics. I try to keep my posts well organized so it is easy to read. This one is an exception. 🙂

My perspective has somewhat changed from last cycle’s 2-week wait. Last cycle it just about drove me crazy to have to wait 14 days to know if I was pregnant. This cycle, I guess you could say I’ve just accepted the fact that the 2-week wait is a necessary, unavoidable part of this process and the only thing I can do is just, well…wait.

I also see September 29th (blood test day) in a different light than how I looked at August 4th. The fact of the matter is I have prayed all day and even before then, believing that God CAN allow conception to happen today. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make it happen. Nothing! It’s totally in the very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. I certainly desire that He create Baby today. But September 29th isn’t a day of finding out if this procedure worked. It is a day of learning more about God’s Plan for my life at this time.

That is not an easy thing to say. And I know if the results are the same as August 4th there will be tears. But there will also be a better understanding of the meaning behind the day. That day won’t be so much about another dream gone, another failed procedure and thoughts of going through it all over again. More than anything, on that day, I want the focus to be on the truths God has taught me through this experience, especially in the last month.

I leave you with a picture of something only the hand of God can do…

week2-sperm-and-egg

Please continue to pray God would perform this miracle in me today!

Prayer Requests #12

23 million sperm made it today. That is lower than first expected (not as many survived the unfreeze) BUT 23 million is still an excellent number. And there is still tomorrow!

My Aunt Naomi left a comment saying I am being bathed in prayer and I can feel it. Thank you so much for all the prayers prayed for us today. Keep praying – if Baby is to be conceived this month, tomorrow is the day!

Here are some specific prayer requests for, especially, tomorrow:

1. Ovulation should be occurring soon. Pray the hCG shot will do it’s job and mature the follicles to ovulation. Pray the follicles will be healthy and that one, or both, will be fertilized.

2. Pray for lots more healthy mobile sperm tomorrow and that more will survive the unfreeze. **We had good sperm counts for both inseminations!

3. Pray conception will occur – once, or twice! 🙂

2 Good Follicles!

All’s well that ends well…and everything that ends with God MUST end well.

There is a 20mm and 15mm follicle in the right ovary. I will receive the hCG shot tonight at 9pm to induce ovulation within 30-50 hours.

Our first insemination will be tomorrow at 9am. The second insemination will be Monday morning.

We have 246 million motile sperm frozen. Only 75 million of those are expected to survive the unfreeze. (There is a 30% return.) Considering in a normal conception only a few hundred sperm actually make it into the fallopian tubes, 75 million sperm is a HUGE blessing. (Last cycle we had only 23.7 million sperm swimming around in there.) Yes, prayer changes things.

September 29th will be the end of the 2-week wait.

2 Follicles, possibly 3, still in the ball game

The right ovary has a 14mm and 12mm follicle. The left ovary has a 9mm.

My uterus lining is a “fluffy” 9mm, which is wonderful.

I will have one extra double-dose of menopur on Friday and go back for another monitoring ultrasound on Saturday morning. At this time, it looks like our insemination days will be Sunday, September 14th and Monday, September 15th.

Please continue to pray for follicle growth and that we will have 2-3 follicles ovulate.

And stay tuned for a post I’m going to write about prayer. God is teaching me some amazing things through this process.

2nd Ultrasound – 4 Follicles

S did the ultrasound today…well, sort of.

I went into the room as usual. Not long after I was situated and sitting on the table, in walked S and another woman. The other woman turned out to be a student nurse. S introduced us. Then the woman pulled up the stool and told me to go ahead and lay down. I was thinking, “Oh boy, this is going to be interesting with an inexperienced person trying to find my ovaries! But surely, S will be the one doing the ultrasound. I hope S is the one doing the ultrasound!”

But it was the other woman who sat on the stool and began the ultrasound. So I said to the woman, “My ovaries are very hard to find.” And S said with a chuckle, “I’ve already warned her!”

And so began a somewhat painful and the most uncomfortable ultrasound to date. As I was about to jump off the table, S put her hand on the ultrasound wand and helped guide it to my right ovary. Whew! I could breath again! In the right ovary we saw a 12mm follicle and 8mm follicle!

And so the wand was painfully moved to try to find the left ovary by this poor woman who I’m sure felt bad about all the pain she was causing me. As I was once again about to jump off the table or volunteer to find the ovary myself, the woman was getting up off the stool and S sat down to take over. You can probably imagine my relief (and the relief of that woman)!

In the left ovary we found two 7mm follicles!

The lining of my uterus is 8mm, which is perfect.

So everything looks good. I will go back for another ultrasound a day earlier than scheduled since that one follicle is already at 12mm. I will have the first injection of menopur tonight.

Thank you for praying!!

Prayer Requests #10

Another thing God is teaching me about during this time is going about my day in an attitude of prayer. God calls us to “Pray continuously.” (I Thessalonians 5:17) Dave and I are in the habit of praying together every night. We always pray that God will “bless us with a baby soon”. I think God is asking us to pray continuously and specifically.

These are the things God has laid on my heart this morning to pray. Please join me in praying continuously and specifically.

1. Pray I will put my hope in the Lord and not put my hope in a positive pregnancy test. **God has certainly done this.

2. Pray my focus will be on allowing God to work out His Plan through me and the current circumstances I find myself in. Pray I can realize when things don’t seem to be “going right”, it isn’t a catastrophe. It is just a part of God’s perfect plan. **And God has done this.

3. Pray with me my heart’s desire: That God would bless us with a baby soon.

4. Pray for this cycle: 2-3 follicles to ovulate, continued follicle growth to be seen during ultrasounds, ample supple of sperm to be available for insemination, all the fertility drugs will produce the desired effect, conception to occur **More than one follicle is growing and we have a good supply of sperm ready for insemination days!

Schedule for Cycle 3 of IUI

Thursday, September 4 – 1st ultrasound (checking for cysts) **No cysts! Cycle 3 on go!

Thursday, September 4 – Monday, September 8 – Take 50mg of Clomid daily (to stimulate follicle growth)

Tuesday, September 9 – 2nd Ultrasound (to monitor follicle growth) **Right ovary: 12mm and 8mm; Left ovary: two 7mm follicles; Uterus lining: 8mm

Tuesday, September 9 – Friday, September 12 – Two vials of menopur each day (to stimulate multiple follicles to grow; the hope is 2-3 follicles will mature enough for ovulation)

Thursday, September 11 – 3rd Ultrasound (to monitor follicle growth) **Right ovary: 14mm, 12mm; Left ovary: 9mm; Uterus lining: 9mm

Saturday, September 13 – 4th Ultrasound (to monitor follicle growth); hCG shot (to induce ovulation) **Right ovary: 20mm, 15mm; Uterus lining: 12mm

Saturday, September 13 – 1st insemination **Postponed

Sunday, September 14 – 2nd insemination **Postponed

Sunday, September 14 – 1st insemination **Inseminated with 23 million sperm.

Monday, September 15 – 2nd insemination **Inseminated with 24 million sperm.

Monday, September 29 – Blood test **Negative. Not pregnant. 🙁