Peace that transcends all understanding

I went today for the blood draw and my veins wouldn’t cooperate. So they did a urine test and it was negative.

If ever there was a day that I have experienced a peace that transcends all understanding, it is today. And that is the miracle and blessing of Cycle 4.

No words can adequately describe how much I have feared this day. I can only say I was terrified of once again having negative results. Which is why for the past three nights I have cried myself to sleep just in the anticipation that it could happen.

What scares me the most is the road beyond three failed inseminations.

With all the other cycles, as soon as I learned it hadn’t work, we moved to the next cycle. But this is our third insemination. At our September 29th appointment, he briefly told me what would be next if this cycle didn’t work.

He said it has been consistently seen in their office that if three IUIs do not work, there is usually some underlying issue that was not detected in the initial testing. Typically, the patient undergoes laproscopic surgery to detect an underlying problem, such as endometriosis.

As I cried myself to sleep those nights, I envisioned myself depressed with no hope and no reason to go on with life. I really did not know how I was going to handle that news.

But today I received the news of my third failed insemination. I cried and cried and cried some more. But even in the first few minutes after hearing the news, I had this unexpected peace wash over my entire body.

We drove to my mom’s office and she came out and climbed into the car with me in the front seat and just held me as we all cried. I cried but my mind could not go into the depths of despair as I had expected.

I could not even become anxious about what lies ahead. Looking at me, a heap of tears and tissue sitting there in the car, you would have thought someone had died. But there was, and is, a blanket of peace surrounding me.

It really is a peace that passes all understanding. I can not fully explain it in words.

I just know on a day I expected to feel dead and hopeless if I once again received negative news, I feel the absolute opposite.

I’ve often thought through this process, “Why pray if God already has a plan and will see that it is carried through. Does prayer really make a difference at all when you are dealing with a Sovereign God?”

Well, today I have experienced prayers, YOUR PRAYERS, making all the difference in the world to me.

All these prayers have lifted me up to my Heavenly Father so that I can only feel peace – His peace.

I cannot thank you enough for praying. Please, please keep praying.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Be strong and courageous, for the Lord your God will go with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Early Pregnancy Symptoms

Even though I’m home all day today so I can get things done around this house, my mind is obviously consumed with tomorrow. So don’t be surprised if you read 12 posts on here by the end of the day! 🙂

I’m curious about something. Early pregnancy symptoms.

  • nausea
  • fatigue
  • implantation cramping
  • implantation spotting
  • tender breasts and nipples
  • excessive urination

Apparently some people experience this while others do not.

If I am indeed pregnant, I’ll be one of those people who doesn’t feel a thing. Every cycle I sit around waiting for cramping, spotting, nausea, fatigue. And every cycle? Nothing!

A friend of mine left a comment saying she has never felt the early symptoms of pregnancy – and she’s been pregnant 6 times!

My mom, who has been pregnant 7 times, told me she never “felt pregnant”. She always just had to wait to test to find out.

So now that my curiosity is up concerning this matter I would love to hear from you if you’ve ever been pregnant.

Did you have any early symptoms?

If you did experience these symptoms, don’t be afraid to tell me you did. And if you didn’t experience any early symptoms, let me know!

If anything, your comments will help to occupy the time until tomorrow!

That, and laundry and cleaning …

Spiritual Warfare

Do you believe in spiritual warfare?

I have experienced it in the past day and a half.

I feel like I am in the middle of running a marathon in the desert. I am weary beyond belief and just want to cross the finish line. I feel I can’t run a mile longer. I just want it to be over.

It’s a good thing God can move mountains with faith as small as a mustard seed because I’m pushing it right now to even have faith as small as a mustard seed.

All I can do is cry in anticipation of tomorrow.

Back to the issue of spiritual warfare …

I’ve said from the beginning of this marathon I want God to receive the glory through my circumstances. And I do.

Scroll down a few posts and look over all the names representing PRAYER tomorrow. Wherever God is at work, Satan is there working double-time. Satan knows no matter what happens tomorrow, God will receive glory. So he is working time and a half to destroy the mustard seed of faith I have.

Fear is one of his greatest weapons and he has used that against me.

As I’ve been a ball of tears the past two nights Dave has asked me, "Are you just afraid of what will happen Wednesday." I then mutter, "Yes."

FEAR.

Fear paralyzes. Fear cripples. Fear weakens. Fear destroys faith.

Satan plants fear in our hearts to destroy faith. He also tries everything in his power to change our focus and our perspective.

Instead of going to the Word of God for strength, so I can keep running to the finish line, I allowed myself to lose focus.

I went to the internet to read other infertility blogs, looking for hope. Big mistake.

I found a blog I had never read before. Sure enough, when the person found out she was pregnant she had experienced implantation spotting. Reading this only served to send me further into the depths of despair because I’ve experienced none of the early pregnancy symptoms most everyone I read about does experience once pregnant.

The point is that when you’re running a marathon in the desert the only thing your body screams for is water. The Word of God is like water to the person running a marathon in the desert.

Where should I have gone? The Word of God.

It is only there that I will find true hope and strength to keep running.

Fix these words of mind in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Deuteronomy 11:18

I woke up this morning thinking about all this. It dawned on me that Satan is attacking me. I simply cannot allow it.

Today my focus will be my faith, even though it is as small as a mustard seed. But God’s Word clearly says that is all it needs to be.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there and it will move." Nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20

[Do you realize just how small a mustard seed really is? A mustard seed is one-sixteenth of an inch in diameter!]

Satan may be able to rock my boat – but He cannot, in the name of Jesus Christ, capsize it.

AMEN!

Let me add one more prayer request for tomorrow …

3. Pray against the attacks of Satan. Satan must flee when just the name of JESUS is said.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

A Lost Post

I had almost written an entire post just now and the computer died.

Have you ever stopped to consider that God is in control of ALL things – even a computer crashing?

I wrote a post but obviously God didn’t want it published.

Because the post was partly about where this journey may take us if I am not pregnant.

I believe God speaks through anything. Not so much an audible voice like he spoke with to Moses or Abraham. But He still speaks. We just have to have to have our "Listening Ears" on. (A term that was frequently used during the four years I taught 4th grade.)

When I wrote that post, the computer died and I rebooted and it was gone, and God said, "Elaine, would you please just trust me and stop all your worry about what may or may not happen?"

So instead of worrying I’m going to put my worry energy into another Day of Prayer for Baby.

The day will be October 22nd – the day of the blood test.

Too Busy it seems…

It is so easy to allow yourself to contantly live life in the fast-lane. I do not like living life in the fast-lane as my way of life. Does that make any kind of sence?? But I do notice there are days or weeks every once in while that seem to be busy to the point of stressing me out. And I don’t even have kids…yet!

This is one of those weeks were I leave the house in the early morning and don’t arrive home until late in the evening for various reasons. I know there are some people who choose to live their life this way but I don’t like too.

So I’ve declared today a “Be still and know that God is God” day. When you don’t have even 5 minutes to spend with the Lord, you know you’re too busy. (I’m speaking to myself.)

I’ve also learned it is very therapeutic for me to write in this blog. I love to write. Before this blog, I would write in journals and I think, to this day, I’ve filled 30+ notebooks will journal entrees beginning when I was 15 years old. So it is nice to be typing away now.

Well, I’m not really sure the purpose of this blog entree other than for those of you that don’t know me personally, you probably learned a few things about me by reading this. And maybe those of you that do know me didn’t know these things about me.

Oh one more thing…since we are learning trivial things about me…

We are leaving Thursday for Ridgecrest. Wednesday after getting home from work around 6:30 I’ll do the laundry and then I’ll pack Thursday for us to leave around 4pm. I never wait to pack on the day we leave to travel. But there just isn’t time to do laundry and pack before then.

I’m ok, really. I know things will once again slow down. And all the things that are making me so busy are all things I want to do. But thank goodness, my life doesn’t go at this pace all the time.

We are on Day 6 of 14 … eight days to go.

Faith

It’s late. I should be in bed. Or I should atleast be working on the scrapbook I am making my Grandmother for her 80th birthday, which is Tuesday. But I can’t concentrate on anything until I sort through today.

FAITH.

Just having faith and believing it will happen is what’s on my heart today.

All the other cycles, and especially the last cycle, I guarded my heart by not getting my hopes too high that I would get positive blood test results. Sounds silly, I know. Why go through all I go through each month to get ready for an insemination. All the drugs, doctor visits, ultrasounds, semen collections, shots, emotional roller coasters just to wait 2-weeks expecting nothing.

I do firmly believe, however, that the purpose of Cycles 1, 2 and 3 was not pregnancy but something far greater.

The work of Jesus Christ is clearly evident as you go back and read previous posts. This is one of the main reasons I started this blog. From the very beginning of this journey I knew God would use my circumstances to do something marvelous. He is definitely doing something marvelous, even now. And I wanted a way to record what He did and is doing.

From the start, I’ve known this is a journey, a pilgrimage. Meaning, I won’t be in these circumstances forever. Somehow, someway, I will be a mother because it is one of the greatest desires of my heart. It’s the somehow and someway that is the hard part because I don’t have the ending of this story…yet. But I know Who holds the writing tablet.

God is a faithful God. I look back on other trials in my life (that now pale in comparison to this one) and I clearly see how God faithfully brought me through the trial. He has never brought me to a trial and left me there. No, trials are meant to be the greatest teachers. It is through trials we learn Who God is and that He has a perfect plan unique just to you.

Alesha (who also had her IUI today) wrote a post a couple days ago about tunnels. That precisely describes trials in our life. In the middle of the tunnel it can be very dark and scary. Yet, He is still there by our side. He has promised never to leave us. He has promised to walk with us. But as time passes, you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. The trial, like the tunnel, is temporary, but the lessons learned while going through the tunnel (trial) are invaluable.

With each cycle I’ve gone through I can look back and see something God wanted to teach me.

Today I can’t stop dwelling on FAITH. The Bible clearly tells us what faith is. It is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. It takes faith to accept God’s free gift of salvation. I’ve accepted God’s free gift of salvation no questions asked. No doubts. I KNOW where I will spend eternity and never do I have to worry.

I feel it is time to have FAITH that I AM PREGNANT!

Allow me to be honest and say that is a scary thing to write. It is so tempting just to move the curser up there and tap, tap, tap the delete button until those words disappear. Each cycle, I’ve always been cautiously optimistic. I’ve guarded myself by allowing myself to hope but then always keeping negative results in the back of my head.

I’m going to take a risk. And I am NOT a risk-taker. At all.

I am going to step out on faith, FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST, and believe that Baby was created TODAY! No more doubts, no more worries. I am just going to BELIEVE.

I know, I know, I could potentially be setting myself up for complete heartbreak.

But it’s ok.

If it is not so, I think I’ve learned my lesson well.

God will have something even better than positive blood test results.

GOD IS FAITHFUL.

Enough

When the nurse entered the room yesterday with the sperm she said, “You have 9.6 million for today.” Expecting a number much greater than that I asked, “What did you say?” She repeated, “You have 9.6 million sperm.” Disappointment set in that more than that had not survived the unfreeze. (We were told to expect approximately 20 million.)

But then the prayer I had written in my journal just four hours before the 2:30 procedure replayed in my mind…

God,

In four hours the first sperm will enter in. God, I pray Your Hand would be on every frozen sperm even right now. I pray for each one that You desire to survive the unfreeze. I pray these sperm will be healthy and mobile and will head in the direction of the egg(s). I pray you would keep them there waiting…

9.6 million sperm did not surprise God at all yesterday. I firmly believe He hand-picked those 9.6 million.

Today we had 17 million survive and make it in. So that brings a total of 26.6 million sperm hand-picked by God Himself.

And now I repeat the prayer I prayed yesterday four hours before the first insemination…

And then when the egg(s) burst out, I pray the one You have planned from the beginning of time will get there! I pray You would place that sperm in the egg and create Baby. God, you alone can do this. Please complete the work You have started in me.

I love you,

Elaine

Waiting is a good place to be. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make a sperm find an egg. It’s all God. If it happens, IT IS ALL GOD.

God is the Creator of Life. Not me. Not Dave. Not T. Not Dr. L.

GOD. AND GOD ALONE.

Pray like you’ve never prayed for me before…fervently, continuously that God will create LIFE…TODAY!

And remember…pray for Baby Goodlett too!

A Day of Prayer for Baby

**UPDATE**
Isn’t this awesome??!! Alesha is having her IUI tomorrow at the same time I am. As you pray for Baby, pray for Baby Goodlett too!

This morning while Ella and Ava were taking their morning nap God laid something on my heart.

Prayer has played such a crucial part in this journey. I know there are going to be tons of people praying for us especially today and tomorrow. So I thought on the day Baby may be conceived, if it be God’s Will (Please God, let it be so!) why not have some concrete evidence of all the prayers that will bombard the throne of Heaven!!

So here’s the idea:

*Below you’ll see a list of time slots from 9am on Tuesday morning to midnight.
*By clicking on the “comments”, leave your name and the time period you will pray God will create Baby on October 8th, 2008!
*Then, tomorrow sometime during that hour time slot (and, of course, any other time God lays it on your heart to pray) pray for Baby to be conceived.
*I’ll update the list of times with who is praying when according to what is written in the comments.

9am-10am *Norma
10am-11am *Alesha
11am-12pm *Alicia
12-1pm *Ashlie
1pm-2pm *Angele
2pm-3pm *Roy
3pm-4pm *Maria
4pm-5pm *Amanda
6pm-7pm *Brenda M.
7pm-8pm
9pm-10pm
10pm-11pm *Aunt Elena
11pm-12am

God hears the prayers of His people. Thank you for praying.

Ready, Set, GO!

Eggs? Check. One, possibly two.

Sperm? Check. 137 million frozen. Hopefully 40-50 million survive the unfreeze.

Injectibles? Check. 7 vials of it.

hCG injection? Check. Tonight at 9pm.

IUIs? Check. One scheduled for 2:30pm Tuesday. The other scheduled for 9am Wednesday.

As I mentioned before, this has been a whirlwind of a cycle. It is only by the grace of God that ALL this has come together to be ready for 10/7 and 10/8.

God, this cycle has been Yours since Day One. Do as you please but can you please, please, please let it happen? Amen!

No matter what happens this time around I can rest assured God will do something amazing…like He did through Cycle 1 (Tina), Cycle 2 (taught me Who He is) and Cycle 3 (sent me immediately into whirlwind cycle 4).

Aren’t you excited to see what happens next?

I am!

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Poor puppy…she’s getting nervous with all this “Faith Blanket” and “Faith Rocking Chair” talk. She thought she was going to just always be an only [furry] child!