Tired of all the Drama

Today was one of those days where the burden of going through treatments just wears me down.

This cycle has been so different from the other three. So fast. And, consequently, more stressful than the others because everything that has had to come together for this cycle to happen, has had to come together in under a week!

Even though it has been very stressful on me, I have sensed the Hand of God on every aspect of this cycle…the oral drugs, the injections, the follicles and the sperm.

It’s all coming together and it looks like we will be inseminating again on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning.

At the ultrasound this morning Dr. L said there is a 17mm and 11mm in the left ovary and a 13mm in the right ovary. I will have 2 more vials of menopur tonight to help that 13mm follicle hopefully do some more growing and catch up. Then tomorrow night I will have the hCG shot to induce ovulation.

Technically, this is not the results we were looking for for this cycle. This was supposed to be a megastimulation cycle with the hopes of having 3 or 4 follicles ovulate. Dr. L seems to think that with another day of menopur we’ll have 2 follicles ready to ovulate…even so, not the results I was hoping for.

But, you know, I think of the prayer I prayed on Day One of this cycle…

God, I give this cycle to you. You know everything that needs to come together. You know how many sperm and You know how many eggs. And this time I am going to come before you daily and pray my heart’s desire… that You would choose to let it happen this cycle. Because of everything You have taught me since August 4th, I can rest assured, knowing if You do not choose to let it happen, it is ok. You just have something better planned. Since August of 2007, this journey has been nothing but amazing. I stand waiting with great expectation of what You will do next. To God be the glory. Amen!

Two follicles must be enough!

I started thinking today, How in the world does anyone go through something like this without Christ? Talk about a feeling of hopelessness! Then I was thinking that just because I have Christ through this trial in my life doesn’t mean I won’t have days of frustration and tears…like today.

The difference is HOPE…hope in Jesus Christ. What a gift. What a precious gift.

I leave you with a picture of my “Faith Rocking Chair”. My mom is knitting, stitch by stitch, a “Faith Blanket” that we will wrap our baby in before even leaving the hospital. Yesterday, my neighbor was having a garage sale and this rocking chair was for sale. I bought it and now it sits in the bedroom that will one day be the nursery.

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Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

One day I WILL rock my baby, swaddled in the “Faith Blanket”, in the “Faith Rocking Chair”!!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

On the Super Fastrack

So Monday I find out I’m not pregnant, two days later I take ten tablets of Letrozole and two days after that (today), I have the second ultrasound.

And what do you know, there are two 15mm follicles in there – one in each ovary. Whoa!! This is only DAY FIVE of this cycle.

They gave me 1 vial of menopur this morning there at the doctor’s office, then I had 2 vials tonight and tomorrow night I will have another 2 vials. Sunday morning at 8am I will have another ultrasound. By early next week, we will be ready for insemination again! Crazy fast!

I think it is very obvious that God has orchestrated the timing of everything. From the very beginning of this journey to today. The “schedule” certainly didn’t have me ready to ovulate only a week into the cycle. But God’s schedule does.

I don’t know what God is up to – I can only go along for the ride. I know He gave me that sense of urgency to go ahead with the next IUI cycle this cycle. And like I prayed on Day 1 of this cycle, I know He knows how many follicles we need and how many sperm. I know now, more than ever, that He is in control here. Not the doctor and certainly not me.

I sense His Presence in all of this. So now I pray:

God, YOU have started this work in me and now I pray You will see it to completion. Amen!

A New Beginning & Prayer Requests # 13

On the very day I found out for sure I wasn’t pregnant, I met with Dr. L to discuss the next cycle. I do not feel God is asking me to wait a month before starting the next cycle this time. Instead, I hear Him saying, “Move forward now!”

So here we are 3 days into Cycle 4.

This was my prayer this morning:

God, I give this cycle to you. You know everything that needs to come together. You know how many sperm and You know how many eggs. And this time I am going to come before you daily and pray my heart’s desire… that You would choose to let it happen this cycle. Because of everything You have taught me since August 4th, I can rest assured, knowing if You do not choose to let it happen, it is ok. You just have something better planned. Since August of 2007, this journey has been nothing but amazing. I stand waiting with great expectation of what You will do next. To God be the glory. Amen!

Prayer Requests #13

  1. Pray that I will continue to surrender my Will for God’s Will because His is a whole lot better than mine!
  2. Pray for Cycle 4, especially in the next week or so as follicles are growing and developing.
  3. Pray the Femara and Menopur will do their job and get four healthy follicles ready to ovulate. **God says one or two is enough.
  4. Pray for it to happen this cycle!

Schedule for Cycle 4 of IUI

Tuesday, September 30 – 1st ultrasound (checking for cysts) **No cysts.

Wednesday, October 1 – Take 10 tabs of Letrozole (to stimulate follicle growth) **Boy did it ever stimulate some follicles!

Friday, October 3 – 2nd ultrasound (to monitor follicle growth) **Already a 15mm follicle in each ovary! Need to come back on Sunday for an ultrasound. Recieved 1 vial of menopur at the doctor’s office.

Friday, October 3Tuesday, October 7 – 2 vials of Menopur daily (to further stimulate follicle growth; our goal this month is 3 or 4 follicles mature enough to ovulate) **Only needed 2 vials of menopur on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.

Sunday, October 5 – 3rd Ultrasound (to monitor follicle growth) **Right ovary: 13mm; Left ovary: 17mm and 11mm

Monday, October 6 – 3rd ultrasound (to monitor follicle growth) **Cancelled. Ultrasound on Sunday instead.

Monday, October 6 – Recieve the hCG shot (to induce ovulation)

Tuesday, October 7 – 1st insemination **Inseminated with 9.6 million sperm.

Wednesday, October 8 – 2nd insemination **Inseminated with 17 million sperm.

Wednesday, October 22 – Blood test **Negative urine test.

Saturday, October 25 – Period still not here. **Negative blood test.

God’s Grace Is Sufficient – Yesterday, Today and Forever

**Written Saturday morning, Sept 27**

I do not think I am pregnant. And it is not because I haven’t felt any of the early pregnancy signs. It is also not because I am being pessimistic.

It is because God has taught me so much during last month’s resting cycle and during this IUI cycle.

God has taught me about Who He is – not just what He can do.

From the very start of this journey, I have never doubted that God could allow conception to happen – if He wanted. This comes from a firm belief that it is God and God alone that allows conception to happen. Couples may spend months trying to conceive but ultimately it is God that makes it happen.

So when month after month went by with no conception for me it became very easy to ask God why. Especially, when I knew and believed with all my heart that He alone had the power to make it happen. So why aren’t you, God? Why? It’s not fair. Look at all the people around me that so easily get pregnant. All I want is to be a mother!

That was my heart’s cry for many months.

And then God told me to STOP and BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.

And it was then that God began teaching me about who He is.

God is a God that loves me with an everlasting love, an eternal love. He is my creator and He has created me just the way he wants me. He knows the number of hairs on my head. And He knows my days before one of them was ever lived.

God is a God who deserves all glory and praise.

Mix these two ingredients together and you get a God who, out of His love for us, desires that our lives paint a beautiful picture of His majesty and glory.

Scripture warns us that in this world we will have troubles. But we are to take heart, knowing God has overcome the world.

Hence, infertility troubles.

And God has indeed overcome these troubles for me – and I haven’t even seen 2 pink lines yet!

God has taught me who He is. And what He can do is really only because of who He is.

God is a God who has a plan for my life that only He can orchestrate.

**Written Sunday morning, Sept. 28**

He is orchestrating this plan even today.

I woke up this morning and took my temperature like I do every morning. My temperature had significantly dropped signifying that sometime soon, probably before the day’s end, my period will start.

Just like cycle 1 and 2, cycle 3 did not result in a pregnancy. However, there is a purpose in everything. And I believe the purpose of cycle 3 was not pregnancy but perspective.

The miracle of today is not a baby growing inside of me. It is something far greater. Today, I lack nothing. Because today I have everything God intended for me to have. He never intended for cycle 3 to be successful.

He intended to teach me who He is. And He has done just that.

So on this 15th cycle of desiring greatly to be pregnant but finding out once again I am not, it is time to put my faith to action and live believing what God has taught me.

If God could mail me a letter I think it would say:

Dear Elaine,

I know today’s news greatly disappoints you. But please trust me. I am at work orchestrating a beautiful plan for you that is far greater than finding out today you are pregnant.

I love you,

Jesus

Today there are tears but there will not be fits of rage because God is a God of marvelous planning. Today I choose to trust in the Lord and know that faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. (Hebrews 11:1)

God’s Grace is sufficient for me.

PS: I can’t make myself pick up the phone to call people to break the news. So I’m just going to let this post do it for me. Hope you can understand that.

God’s Grace will be Sufficient

I’ve had these thoughts rolling through my mind for several days now but haven’t been able to put them into words or answer a very tough question I have. I am going to attempt now.

On September 29th one of two scenarios will happen. Each scenario starts out the same.

I will get up and go to the doctor, have my blood drawn and drive back home. Then, Dave and I will start pressure washing our house to keep us busy while we await the news. That will work for awhile but soon I will begin to get extremely antsy from the suspense. I will just want to know – one way or the other. I will threaten to go to Wal-Mart and get my own test so I can know in 3 minutes if the nurse doesn’t call me within the hour!

And then my cell phone will ring.

It is at this point in the story that there will be a fork in the road and two very different outcomes.

If I hear, "You are pregnant!" on the other end of the phone there are no words to describe how I will feel. But I know I will be praising the Lord for this tremendous blessing! And then I will think about the shear joy it will be to tell my mom and dad. The excitement and joy I will see on their face will forever be imprinted in my mind.

And if I hear, "Sorry. You are not pregnant." on the other end of the phone, there will be another day of incessant crying and rages of anger.

Here is the tough question.

Does it have to be this way?

Instead of crying uncontrollably and being angry, why not celebrate the fact that God is still at work?

God has taught me so much in the past month or two.

  • God’s plan is not only good – but the ultimate best for me!
  • The purpose of my life is to bring glory and honor to Jesus Christ.
  • God brings trials in my life so He can draw me close to Him and bring glory to His Name.
  • If I surrender my will for God’s, I will receive His will for my life.
  • God has plans that far surpass anything I can even imagine.
  • God’s grace is sufficient.
  • Each day is a gift from God and He know every intricate detail of my days.
  • It is God Himself who has put this desire in my heart to be a mother – so He can use this desire to draw me close to Him as I trust Him to bless me with a baby.

I really feel like God is asking me, if I am not pregnant once again, to TRUST HIM IMEDDIATELY instead of going into a fit of rage and then deciding to trust Him.

When I say fit of rage I mean fit of rage. It is not a pretty sight. Finding out we are not pregnant is a very dark day at our house. Very dark.

But does it have to be???

I say I want to bring God glory in this. So does crying incessantly or shedding some tears (I am not naive to say that my goal here is no tears! I am human and I do want to be pregnant.) and then putting my mind, heart and soul into thinking about the truths God has taught me, bring God the most glory? 

I think the second brings God more glory. And I know that there is no way I, in my own strength, can possible do that. NO WAY. If it’s up to me we are going down the fits of rage path. But if indeed I hear the sentence with the not again, I can only trust that GOD’S GRACE WILL BE SUFFICENT.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.        2 Corinthians 12:9-10

And now…we wait…again

Day two went just as well as day one. We had 24 million sperm for today’s insemination so that is a total of 47 million! I know I had originally written that we would probably have 75 million sperm.

That figure was wrong…partly because I am mathematically challenged and partly because T forgot to factor something in when she was figuring up our numbers. I’m telling you, the whole sperm aspect is so confusing. There are these formulas that T uses to get the counts and for a girl who had hives in highschool every time it was time to sit down and do algebra homework, it is just confusing.

And yes, I really did get hives every time it was algebra homework time. Fortunately, I grew up in a home with a math wiz father who tutored me through every single math class I had to take during highschool and college. Notice the word had. I didn’t ever sign up for a math class I didn’t have to have to graduate…unlike my father who took some math classes just for the “fun” of it! Anyways, I survived all my math classes with A’s thanks to my dad. And I have lots of good memories from the many hours I spent studying math with my dad by my side.

I know this post is all over the map and covers many topics. I try to keep my posts well organized so it is easy to read. This one is an exception. 🙂

My perspective has somewhat changed from last cycle’s 2-week wait. Last cycle it just about drove me crazy to have to wait 14 days to know if I was pregnant. This cycle, I guess you could say I’ve just accepted the fact that the 2-week wait is a necessary, unavoidable part of this process and the only thing I can do is just, well…wait.

I also see September 29th (blood test day) in a different light than how I looked at August 4th. The fact of the matter is I have prayed all day and even before then, believing that God CAN allow conception to happen today. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make it happen. Nothing! It’s totally in the very capable hands of my Heavenly Father. I certainly desire that He create Baby today. But September 29th isn’t a day of finding out if this procedure worked. It is a day of learning more about God’s Plan for my life at this time.

That is not an easy thing to say. And I know if the results are the same as August 4th there will be tears. But there will also be a better understanding of the meaning behind the day. That day won’t be so much about another dream gone, another failed procedure and thoughts of going through it all over again. More than anything, on that day, I want the focus to be on the truths God has taught me through this experience, especially in the last month.

I leave you with a picture of something only the hand of God can do…

week2-sperm-and-egg

Please continue to pray God would perform this miracle in me today!

Prayer Requests #12

23 million sperm made it today. That is lower than first expected (not as many survived the unfreeze) BUT 23 million is still an excellent number. And there is still tomorrow!

My Aunt Naomi left a comment saying I am being bathed in prayer and I can feel it. Thank you so much for all the prayers prayed for us today. Keep praying – if Baby is to be conceived this month, tomorrow is the day!

Here are some specific prayer requests for, especially, tomorrow:

1. Ovulation should be occurring soon. Pray the hCG shot will do it’s job and mature the follicles to ovulation. Pray the follicles will be healthy and that one, or both, will be fertilized.

2. Pray for lots more healthy mobile sperm tomorrow and that more will survive the unfreeze. **We had good sperm counts for both inseminations!

3. Pray conception will occur – once, or twice! 🙂