Some More Thoughts

I know where all this sadness is stemming from.

It is coming from a dread of the future, which is pure silliness.

But, let me explain anyway.

While I felt total and utter relief from not having to continue to deal with Tracy drama over the next 5-6 months, after things have settled over the past two weeks I have realized that while those 5-6 months would have continued to be one wild ride, there wouldn’t have really been a lot of unknowns in dealing with Tracy.

And unknowns are scary, no matter how you look at them.

Sure, there would have been much more drama with Tracy. That was a given.

But ultimately, I knew the drama would only last a season and because of Tracy’s circumstances, I knew that she would be classified as very “low risk” as far as her deciding to parent. Basically, that isn’t even an option for her.

As much as I hate Tracy’s lifestyle and pray that she one day is freed from the chains of her sin, parenting not even being an option (or desire) for her really does provide a sense of “security” for an adoptive couple when all comes down to it.

Now, we head into the unknown.

Right before we got the call that Tracy was pregnant, Dave and I briefly discussed a timeline of planning for #2, knowing full well that God’s timing is our utmost desire.

We both felt we would be ready to start the adoption process after Little Bug turns two. We both think a three-year age gap would be ideal, but, like I already said, we know better than to plan and assume that our plans will also be God’s plan!

So, the lawyer’s phone call at the beginning of December certainly didn’t line up with our plans but we took the leap of faith and went with it, trusting God every step of the way.

And, as always, he was faithful … every step of the way.

I know that as we begin the adoption process again (most likely before the calendar says 2012), God’s faithfulness will be the thread that weaves our journey to #2 together.

As overwhelming as it was to think of dealing with Tracy for 5-6 months, it is also overwhelming to think of dealing with a new birth mother, a completely new situation.

So many unknowns. And unknowns are scary.

While Tracy certainly proved herself to be full of surprises, I know her. I know how she operates and I knew she had to place her child when it was all said and done.

And as crazy as it sounds, all that did bring a measure of peace that dealing with the unknowns just doesn’t offer.

So it’s a good thing my peace does not come from my circumstances.

My peace comes from the Lord.

I seriously couldn’t do this without my faith in the Lord. Where would my hope be?

In my next birth mother?

Wow. That is a scary thought.

No, my faith, my hope, my trust, my joy, my strength ALL come from the Lord.

And His supply is endless.

New Day, New Mercies

It is a new day, a new month and that can only mean one thing:

God’s mercies are new. He has brought me through another fire and I am still standing.

But I am not just standing.

I am standing firm because God is my strength, my peace, my joy in times of trouble and heartache and no matter what the devil tries to scheme against me, GOD has won.

Which means I won, because I’m on His side.

The promises of God’s Word are still true. There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan, a perfect and beautiful plan that is far greater and far bigger than a biological sibling for Little Bug.

I learned that full well on my journey to Little Bug.

Yesterday was a day of sorrow for what wasn’t going to be and there were certainly tears, but ultimately do you know the overwhelming emotion I felt yesterday and continue to feel today?

Relief.

I am sure that might not make a whole lot of sense right now, which is why I have chosen to reveal the details of this drama.

The drama began with a text from Tracy to me on Monday, January 24th.

She asked me if we wanted to come over for dinner and help her get some furniture.

I replied that I had been asking around to see if people had any furniture they were trying to get rid of and could donate and we would just have to wait and see what is donated.

Tracy text me back that she was getting a kitchen table and needed us to come help her pick it up and then we could stay for dinner.

Not long after this text, I received a call from our lawyer.

The lawyer told me she had just received a text from Tracy saying she needed a sum of money to be able to buy a kitchen table because Dave and Elaine were coming over for dinner and she needed a place for us to sit.

I am sure at this point my jaw was on the floor, but believe it or not, this was just the prelude to all the drama that was about to unfold.

The lawyer and I made the decision that this was an outlandish request. The lawyer said she was going to call Tracy and tell her no, the request could not be granted.

On Tuesday, January 25th I received a phone call from the lawyer telling me that she had talked to Tracy and Tracy was livid that the lawyer would not give her the money.

Tuesday night Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound in the evening. All we had from the adoption agency for proof of pregnancy was a “pregnancy confirmation” document.

Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound at a crisis pregnancy center on Tuesday evening.

When the lawyer told me that Tracy was angry about the money situation, she warned me that Tracy may not show up for her ultrasound.

Tuesday afternoon I received a text from Tracy asking me why we had not paid the lawyer and did we really want this baby?

I replied that we had done everything the lawyer had asked us to do because, of course, we were very excited about this baby.

I never heard back from her and sure enough, Tracy dropped off the radar. No one could make contact with her at all.

It was at this point that we obviously knew something was up and we began to suspect that she might not even be pregnant.

Wednesday passed. Then came Thursday.

Thursday we learned that the crisis center had actually cancelled all the ultrasounds scheduled for that evening because of a bad storm we got that night.

Thursday I received a very unexpected apology text from Tracy. I felt for sure that Tracy had “left town”, but hearing from her made me think that maybe there really was a baby after all.

I just wanted to get to the bottom of all the drama and know one way or the other!

Tracy also made contact with the lawyer and the lawyer set up a meeting with Tracy for Friday morning.

During their meeting the lawyer made Tracy call and reschedule her ultrasound, because, for obvious reasons, we knew this ultrasound was key in knowing if this adoption was over or if we would proceed. At this point, I didn’t know how I was going to survive 5-6 more months of dealing with Tracy drama if there really was a baby!

Tracy knew it was imperative to be at the Monday morning (January 31st) ultrasound.

I was at the appointment right on time. I sent a text to Tracy and told her I had gotten there. She text me back that she was on the way.

Forty-five minutes later, she had still not arrived. I sent Tracy another text and asked her if she was almost there. She said she was and five minutes later, she walked in the clinic door.

While I was waiting, I had spoken to the woman at the front desk and briefly explained the situation. I told her I needed to know TODAY if Tracy is pregnant or not.

Not long after Tracy arrived, she was called back. I was informed they were going to talk to Tracy first and then they would call me back when they were ready to do the ultrasound.

Ten minutes later Tracy walked back out into the waiting room and told me that they could not do an ultrasound on her because she has had ectopic pregnancies in the past.

I immediately stood up and told Tracy, “We have to get an ultrasound today to proceed with this adoption. That does not make sense. I am going back there to talk to them.”

Tracy sat down on a chair and I walked myself through the door and told the woman at the front desk that I had to speak with the lady who had just talked to Tracy.

She said, “Go down the hall and take a left.”

I found the woman and she was on the phone about Tracy with the manager of the crisis center.

She put the manager on hold and I told the woman, “This is the situation. We are not sure she is even pregnant. Drama has been going on for a week now and I NEED for her to have an ultrasound so we can get to the bottom of this. Please help me!”

The woman was very sweet. She asked me if I would talk to the manager. I immediately took the phone and pleaded my case to the manager.

Surprisingly enough, I got the same story that Tracy had just told me.

I understood. Tracy has had ectopic pregnancies in the past. (I do know this is true from official medical records when Tracy was pregnant with Little Bug.) The clinic is not a medical facility so their standard protocol is to not do an ultrasound on any woman who has had an ectopic pregnancy or who has had any bleeding during the pregnancy.

I also learned from the sweet lady at the crisis center that Tracy had said she had had some bleeding, which was another reason they were not giving Tracy an ultrasound.

The manger told me that the crisis pregnancy center could give me the name and number of another place where Tracy could go to get an ultrasound for a charge.

I told the sweet little lady that I needed that information. She gave me the information and I went back out to the waiting room.

Tracy had bolted.

She was no where to be found.

I went ahead and called the contact the crisis center had given me and found myself talking to another sweet lady.

I told her the situation I was in and that I needed an appointment TODAY, if at all possible.

She booked us for a 6:15pm appointment and I hung up with her and immediately dialed Tracy.

Of course, she did not answer.

I called the lawyer to fill her in on what was going on.

She told me she and her office would try all day to get in touch with Tracy and she would call me as soon as she knew anything.

Monday afternoon I received word from the lawyer that she had talked to Tracy and told her through texts that she HAD to go to this appointment at 6:15pm or her rent would not be paid tomorrow and she would not receive another penny from the agency.

Tracy text the lawyer back saying that she “couldn’t make it tonight”.

The lawyer text her back and told her we were done and to never contact her again for anything.

And finally, I had answers. Either Tracy was never pregnant to begin with or Tracy was pregnant, miscarried and was trying to see how far she could go.

When I learned that this was officially over I was sitting on my old bed at my parents’ house.  I had just laid Little Bug down for her nap and was waiting to hear from the lawyer. I heard the news, continued siting on my bed to take a few minutes to process, and then I walked downstairs to the living room where my parents were siting on the couch.

And the tears came.

They were tears of disappointment.

I knew they would come and I knew they would quickly go because ultimately I felt relief and like the weight of the whole world has been lifted off my shoulders. (I have another post coming soon about this.)

And while I can’t hardly believe the drama that transpired over the past week, it is what it is and ultimately I have hope in Jesus Christ.

Satan thinks he won this battle.

But I’ve got news for him.

Satan definitely has a stronghold on Tracy’s life, but on this brand new day, I proclaim to the world that God is good and God is faithful and Something More is coming!

Please don’t view me as a victim!

I am not the victim here. Tracy is.

Satan has a stronghold on her, not me.

I am as free as a bird soaring in the sky.

This is not the end of God’s story.

He’s got plenty still to write and I know it’s going to blow the socks right off my feet.

To God be the glory, great things He has done, is doing and will do.

It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!

This year decorating for Christmas was a whole new adventure. I wanted Little Bug to help decorate the Christmas Tree, but at the same time, I knew with an 18 month old, it may not be the pleasant experience I was hoping for.

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But it was.

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Little Bug knew exactly what to do! It was amazing. I pictured chaos but Little Bug opened a box of decorations, chose one, and we would walk to the tree together to find a spot. Little Bug would tell me where she wanted the decoration and I’d help her get it on the tree. It was so much fun and she helped decorate the entire tree!

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Dada and Little Bug hung the spinning candy cane ornament that Dave had on his Christmas Tree growing up. It’s one of Little Bug’s favorites along with all the balls!

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Our Christmas Tree

Little Bug wakes up every morning and after she has milk (you know, milk is always the number one priority for Little Bug upon waking!) she says, “Yites!” (“Lights!”) She wants the Christmas Tree lights turned on.

We also have lights on garland. One morning we were basically going to eat breakfast and leave the house so I wasn’t going to bother with turning on the Christmas lights.

Little Bug was sitting at the table eating her breakfast when I heard, “Yites! Yites!” I turned to Little Bug and saw her pointing at the Christmas Tree. So I turned the lights on for her but didn’t turn the garland lights on.

That wasn’t okay with Little Bug. She started saying, “Yites!” and pointed to the garland! So I turned all the Christmas lights on and we enjoyed them for the 15 minutes we were home that morning.

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Later, I tried to get some pictures of Little Bug by the tree in her Christmas dress.

That, as you can see from the picture above, didn’t go so well.

Hopefully, next week when we get her professional Christmas/18 month photos taken, we will get something better than a little booty running away!

A Day at the Zoo

We took Little Bug to the Zoo for the first time on her 10 month birthday!

She LOVES the zoo!

DSCN2340 When we would get to each animal exhibit Little Bug would protest being in the stroller if she could not see the animals! I would pick her up and she would look and look at the animals. DSCN2333 

As we walked to the next animal I’d put Little Bug back in the stroller. She was so happy and excited! She would bounce up and down in the stroller as we walked around the zoo.DSCN2345

 

Our Day at the Zoo with Little BugDSCN2338

 

Aren’t giraffes beautiful creatures? They are my favorite! Little Bug seemed to like them too (but then, she liked every animal she saw that day)!

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We are going to get annual passes to the zoo now that we know how much Little Bug enjoyed it! We enjoyed it too. The weather was gorgeous that day and it was so nice to be outside.

Christmas Day!

Before we even married, Dave and I decided that we did not want to spend holidays racing from one side of the family to the other. So we thought it would be a fabulous idea to have one Christmas Dinner combining both families! Everyone else agreed it was a grand idea!

Last year everyone (my parents, Dave’s parents, grandparents and siblings) all went over to my parents’ house for Christmas. This year, we all headed to Dave’s parents’ house for Christmas!

I love traditions, but since being married, I’ve had to do some rearranging of past traditions. For years, I have been going to Grace and Evan’s house on Christmas Morning to give them their gifts. And for years, waking up Christmas Morning I was always at my parents’ house where I lived for 24 years before marrying!

Time has a way of changing things even though I still teasingly pleaded with Dave to let us get up and go to my parents’ house on Christmas Morning, then stop by Grace and Evan’s and then go to Dave’s parents’! He, of course, reminded me of what we had already decided years ago.

And I knew it was time. It was time to let go of past traditions and build new ones.

So Christmas began for us on Tuesday! We went to spend some time with Grace and Evan and had so much fun with them!

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Evan and Dave enjoyed doing boy stuff and Grace and I enjoyed working on the scrapbook we had given her for Christmas. We also watched the classic Christmas movie “Home Alone”.

Then on Christmas Morning Dave and I read the Christmas Story and exchanged gifts with each other. Since it was on my parents’ way to stop at our house on the way to Dave’s parents’ house they, along with my brother and Grandmother, came over to our house to read the Christmas Story and exchange gifts on Christmas Morning. That was a last minute change of plans that I am glad we did!

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From there, we all headed to Dave’s parents’ house where we enjoyed a wonderful Christmas Dinner!

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Christmas Eve Dave & I finished the “Grandma Rolls” my mom had made earlier that day! I have very fond memories of making these rolls every year at Christmas with my Grandma before she died. Another tradition that I’ve had to let go … but now I get to make them with my husband!

 

So we all headed to Dave’s parents where Amanda got some coins from her great-grandmother and decided they would make cool sunglasses …

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When I married Dave, little did I know I would later consider his sister, Amanda, one of my best friends! Such a blessing!

 

 

 

Wasn’t long and it was time to eat a yummy Christmas Dinner!!

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From far left: Dave’s Grandma, my parents (Roy and Norma) and Dave’s parents (David and Debbie)

 

 

 

The “kid table”! Does every Christmas Dinner have one??? Grandmother asked if she could sit with us because her feet don’t hit the ground at the dinning room table. 🙂

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From left: Grandmother, Amanda, Wesley (my brother), me and Dave

 

 

 

 

Between the two of us, Dave and I received four games for Christmas: Yahtzee Free for All, Clue, In a Pickle and Phase 10 Dice! By the end of the day we had played all four games, some multiple times! We love spending time with people playing games. It’s fun!

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Here we are playing Yahtzee Free for All.

 

 

 

It was a wonderful Christmas Day celebrating the birth of Jesus by spending good quality time with family!

 

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And last but not least, here is Puppy and her FEARLESS little sister, Ellie on Christmas Eve.

Seriously. Ellie is fearless. This little dog (who barely weighs 10lbs) was out in the backyard yesterday at Dave’s parents’ when she heard dogs barking in the next yard. (They live out in the country so the yards are huge.)

These weren’t just little furry, friendly dogs like her, either. They were PIT BULLS.

And what does fearless Ellie do? Oh, she takes off charging towards them, running down the side of the house to the street where she makes a sharp right hand turn and goes up to the fence barking like nobody’s business at these PIT BULLS who would have torn her to shreds had there been a hole in the fence.

Meanwhile, my dad, with his artheretic knees, takes off running in the dust Ellie left behind to go rescue her.

Needless to say, Ellie lost her privilege of roaming free and had to be on her leash whenever it was time to go outside for the rest of the day.

FEARLESS. That dog is crazy! But we love her!

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Christmas Miracles!!

A couple in our small group at church are in the process of adopting three little boys. A few Sundays ago, they shared that it didn’t look like they were going to get the boys in time for Christmas. But it seems God got to work on a Christmas Miracle, because at the Christmas Eve service there they were with their three precious sons, just in time for Christmas!

Another couple was expecting the birth of their son on the 30th of December (scheduled induction). But instead, her water broke on Christmas Day and their little miracle was born around 9:30pm on Christmas Day!

***There is another new post right below this one.***

A Wonderful Christmas

Today was just an all around good day.

Last night the negative emotions of the past year’s disappointments came flooding in all around me as we were at the Christmas Eve service. It is so easy to allow yourself to look at a room full of families with children and become angry and bitter that lying in your arms is not a baby. Especially at Christmastime.

But I’ve learned I cannot allow myself to think that way. But still those thoughts, those attitudes, creep in. And really, they are all lies and distractions that try to get my focus on the wrong things.

And I say now that it is only by the grace and joy given to me through Christ that I was able to pull myself quickly out of the "funk" and enjoy, truly enjoy, everything about this Christmas.

As I wrote yesterday, the angels proclaimed good news of great joy.

I can think of many times this year when I received news that was anything but good. However, the news that was proclaimed to the shepherds long ago in Bethlehem is my good news of great joy! It is your good news of great joy!

A Savior was born and he is Christ the Lord!

Because that baby boy was born in a stable in Bethlehem, I have joy. You have joy. We have joy. In spite of our circumstances.

Joy to the World, the Lord has come!

Later today (after getting some sleep since it’s really late) I will write a post about Christmas at Dave’s parents!

Also, two couples in our small group at church received Christmas Miracles and I’d like to share their stories!

But for now … Goodnight!