On Mother’s Day I can’t help but think about the two women who played a huge role in me becoming a mother – my daughters’ birth mothers, Tracy & Melody.
The day before Mother’s Day is Birth Mother’s Day (May 11th this year). May 11th, 2009, Little Bug’s birth mother gave me a very special gift that I will always treasure. She allowed me to accompany her to a doctor’s visit where I got to hear Little Bug’s heart beating within her womb. It was a steady, loud beat that I can still hear today. I will never forget that sound. Just as a pregnancy becomes more real to a woman carrying her baby in her womb, the fact we were going to adopt and there really was a baby on the way to be our daughter, became very real to me standing in that examination room.
Tracy didn’t have to allow me to come with her that day, but she did. She was so gracious that day, recognizing that going with her was something that would be very special to me. She knew she had the power to give me that gift and she wanted to give it to me.
We had a very special conversation that day as we waited for her doctor to come in the room. We were sitting side by side in chairs talking. Tracy said something like, “I just wasn’t meant to be a mom. I don’t know how to be a mom.”, while pointing to her protruding belly full of baby. I said, “And I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but I can’t get pregnant, so we are a perfect match!”.
Our eyes connected in that moment and we just smiled, both content in the roles we were playing.
I know many reading this may not understand me saying this, but, I miss her. I miss Tracy so much. I wish I could have contact with her. I wish her life was stable enough that we could see her every so often. She is so special to me and forever will be.
She chose adoption for a baby she was pressured to abort and, as a result, I became a mother to a precious, beautiful baby girl that my heart had longed for and waited for for years.
Today, I just wish I could wrap my arms around her and tell her for the millionth time, thank you.
It’s been nearly two years since we’ve had any contact whatsoever. I have no clue when I will hear from her again, or if I will ever hear from her.
I carry her – and Melody, a woman I have never even met! – in my heart every day. I love them and I am so incredibly grateful that they chose adoption when they found themselves in a hard situation.
Mother’s Day is such an emotional day! Society sees it as a happy day when we celebrate mothers and – it is! However, that is not all it is. It is a day that brings up a torment of emotions for many, many women.
To all the women out there who just feel pain on this day or a mixture of pain and joy, I pray you feel loved today. You don’t need anyone telling you today that “the pain will decrease in time” or “God has a plan”. You just need a hug today. If I was with you, I’d just give you a hug. On my painful Mother’s Days when I longed for a child yet my arms were empty, a simple hug would suffice. I didn’t need a flowery speech or prayer…just a hug. I pray you receive some form of encouragement today, even if it comes in simply stepping outside and finding beauty in God’s nature.
My dear friend, Melissa, wrote a beautiful post about Mother’s Day today. Today is her very first Mother’s Day as Gideon’s mother, yet this day still holds some pain as she remembers Mother’s Days past and her baby that is not here with her on Earth. I think her post brings encouragement no matter what emotions Mother’s Day brings to you.
I told you I would still post a few pictures of my girls.
These girls… It is hard to imagine that just four years ago I had never looked in their eyes or held them in my arms. Four years later and they are my life.
This post wouldn’t be complete without acknowledging my Mama. I get overwhelmed when I try to explain how much my mom or my girls, for that matter, mean to me. There simply are no words. It’s all action. My mom could never tell me she loves me and I would know she loves me by her actions. When I think about how I should mother my children, I think of her. She was the perfect example although I know she’d say she messed up many times. I don’t remember those times though. All I remember is a mother who loved me for me and supported me through every single phase of my life, and still is.