URGENT PRAYER NEEDED: 4:30 pm Eastern Time (please see another prayer request I just wrote about)

The birth mom and lawyers are scheduled to sign the paperwork TODAY at 4:30 pm Eastern Time.

Please be praying for a smooth process.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support through these extremely difficult days.

At this point and time, I do not know why all this turmoil was a part of God’s Plan but I know God is in control of everything and it is to Him we give ALL glory.

*****

I have met a woman named Jean at the hospital. Her story is incredible and the way God brought us together is just another miracle in and of itself. I am not able to go into details now but I will at a later time to share with you just another way God has been faithful to us through this journey.

Her baby is in the Step Down NICU unit. There was meconium present at birth and that is why he is now in NICU.

The baby’s name is ETHAN. He is having troubles eating so I am requesting that as you pray for our situation you would lift little Ethan up to the Lord as well and pray he will start eating better very soon.

Thank you!

Update from 2:30pm Meeting

If nothing else, God is using this time to teach me that when I am weak – and I am weak, VERY WEAK – it is then that I am strong in Christ.

I cannot adequately describe to you in words the strength I felt as I walked into the lawyer’s office this afternoon. It was something I have never felt in my life before. It was a strength that was not my own because at that point I wanted to crawl in a hole and say, “Forget it.” But yet I walked in there with strength to deal with whatever came my way.

I cannot go into detail (which I hate) but I can say that we are mainly dealing with control issues from the birth mom.

The counselor gave us incredible insight as to who we are dealing with in the birth mother.

The plan, as of now, is to meet with the birth mom tomorrow at some point and sign the consent around noon (Eastern Time).

I also cannot adequately describe to you the power I have felt in all the many prayers that have been prayed for us in these days.

Just keep praying. We have another night ahead of waiting and wondering what tomorrow holds but our hearts are at complete peace with whatever God wills for tomorrow.

Your prayers are still very much needed tonight as we press on to tomorrow. 

PRAY @ 2:30 PM Eastern Time

We have a meeting at 2:30 pm with the counselor who talked to the birth mom this morning.

Then we will meet with the birth mom to discuss several things.

I feel weak and like I can’t do this and that is good because when I am weak it is then that I am strong in the Lord.

Please pray for strength that can only come from Him.

May the Lord’s Will be done – whatever that may be.

URGENT PRAYER STILL NEEDED

We are just waiting.

It is incredibly hard.

All anyone can do is pray. That is all I have done since I woke up today at 5:30am.

There is just nothing else to do.

I cannot explain the peace I feel. It is not necessarily a peace that the birth mom will sign. It is a peace that I know God has given me to know that HE IS IN CONTROL and no matter what happens I will be just fine (in time).

The largest storm of my almost 28 years hovers around me today but I stand strong in the Lord. He is my rod and shield and He is protecting me today no matter what happens.

I know in part this peace comes from knowing everyone is praying. That is what is so beautiful about God’s Family on earth. We are brothers and sisters in Christ. We hold each other up. We support each other. We pray for each other.

I feel your prayers. Keep them coming.

I will continue to update as I can.

URGENT PRAYER NEEDED

As I stated before, this is a very emotional thing for everyone involved – including the birth mother.

Currently, the birth mom is having some "letting go" issues and is saying she does not want to sign the consent tomorrow and instead wants to wait until Little Bug is released from the hospital. She is not thinking rationally at this point. The lawyers are not certain if she is just wanting to delay things or if she is having second thoughts about her adoption plan for this baby.

As you can well imagine tonight has been extremely hard and very emotional and the most important thing to do at this point is to PRAY:

1. Pray that God will give the birth mom the peace, strength and courage to put her pen to that paper TOMORROW MORNING and sign. Pray whatever reservations she is feeling at this time will be taken away and she will remember that she wants this baby with us.

2. Pray with the counselors, physiologists and lawyers who will be meeting with the birth mom tomorrow. Pray for wisdom and discernment and that they will know the things birth mom needs to hear to be able to process the emotions she is feeling tonight and then sign the papers.

3. Pray for our hearts tonight and that we will be able to rest. This is so incredibly hard. As soon as we learned of all this we started the prayer chains immediately. We called several people to come to our house and we, along with those people, spent close to 2 hours praying. Scriptures were prayed and read and everyone just poured their hearts out to our mighty God asking Him to do another miracle.

My specific prayer was that the birth mom would even tonight call the lawyers and say lets do it asap tomorrow morning. 

And now I call on all the prayer warriors who read this blog to pray! And if you would, spread the word, please.

Thank you for praying. I will update as often as I can tomorrow.

My heart is at peace but my nerves are on edge not knowing what tomorrow brings.

The sun will shine again

I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much rain in my life! It has been a rainy week. It started raining on Sunday and here it is Thursday and it is still a dreary rainy day outside.

100_4516

I was thinking yesterday of how this rainy week is a good picture of my battle through infertility treatments.

Going through infertility is anything but sunshine and roses and is definitely like a rainy dreary day with a glimmer of sunshine in the mix.

Going through treatments, there is always a glimmer of hope that maybe this month will finally be IT!

There have been periods of time where the rain does stop. But then the infamous day arrives. The day where I would learn if I was pregnant or not. And always, the rain poured – hard.

Last night Dave and I were watching a movie and when we started the movie we were in one of those periods when it wasn’t raining. Then, the bottom fell out again and the rain was pouring and the wind was howling.

It reminded me so much of those three days when we learned our IUI cycles had failed. A storm of the emotional sense would rage through our home on those days.

The rain didn’t fall forever last night and the storm didn’t last forever when we heard of another failed attempt at pregnancy.

That’s how storms are. They are temporary, lasting only for a time.

In the midst of the storm our focus must be that the sun will shine again.

Picking Up the Pieces

What can you do but pick up the pieces after a day like yesterday?

It’s no joke that the road of infertility is full of ups and downs. While yesterday was probably the lowest of the lows for us in our journey so far, I still found myself watching the clock and waiting for the day to end so a new one could begin.

I know a new day signifies a fresh outlook and while we never assumed the outcome of our first attempt at IVF would be this bad, we can only move forward from here and deal with the new set of circumstances that have been given to us.

I decided long ago that I am going to choose to set my mind on God and not my circumstances that seem to grow dimmer and dimmer with each passing treatment.

However, this blow knocked me down hard. Yesterday put me that much closer to the reality of having to accept that I may actually never be pregnant and give birth to a baby.

But yesterday also made me realize once again that I am not in control here and neither is my doctor. God is in control and yesterday did not take Him by surprise at all.

Now, more than ever, I must trust that God has a perfect plan that somehow involves the bleak circumstances of yesterday. If I don’t believe that simple truth, I literally have nothing.

As for now, we are converting this IVF cycle to an IUI. I will go in tomorrow at 8am for another ultrasound to monitor what this solo follicle hanging out in my left ovary is doing. I’m predicting (based on how the three IUIs before surgery went) that we will be ready for insemination towards the end of this week. Assuming, of course, that this one follicle doesn’t decide to take a leave of absence as well.

Honestly, I’m not allowing myself to think too much about this IUI and the possibilities that lie within. I just can’t allow my mind to think that this could be it.

As far as our next step beyond an IUI goes … we are once again at a crossroad of decision-making and need your prayers as we make (another) big decision.

When not-so-great odds, a huge sum of money and a deep desire to be a mother are all thrown into making one decision, it makes for a very complex decision to be made.

I know without a shadow of doubt that the prayers of many faithful prayer warriors is what pulled me through yesterday. Thank you, from the bottom of my broken heart, for all the prayers, comments, emails, Facebook messages and phone calls.

I could never convey to you in words how much it means to me to know that I have an army of prayer warriors lifting me up to the Father on a consistent basis – especially on a day like yesterday when I literally just didn’t know what to pray.

We will probably never fully understand this side of heaven the complete impact your prayers have made.

But I am completely confident that one day we will all be able to look back on this entire journey and see a beautiful outcome that is far better and far greater than anything we can even imagine today.

I, for one, am looking forward to that glorious day!

One

I am still trying to process the sequence of events that have occurred over the past 4 hours.

There is still just ONE follicle in the left ovary … only. When Dr. F was doing the ultrasound and found the one follicle only, I told myself I needed to remain calm so I could clearly think and ask questions.

I was thinking, This is not the results we were expecting but we can try again and hope for a better response next time.

And then Dr. F began to explain something called a hypothalamic component and the world began to unravel all around me.

When someone (like me) is underweight the part of the brain responsible for FSH and LH production shuts down. FSH and LH are the hormones that are responsible for stimulating follicles to grow and mature. This is something that has been around since the prehistoric ages to prevent a “starving” species from being able to procreate.

Dr. F said that with my particular circumstances the normal range of number of eggs retrieved during an IVF cycle is anywhere from 0 to 6. I definitely fall into that range with only one follicle maturing.

I immediately told Dr. F that I wanted to cancel this IVF cycle. There is no way I am paying these big bucks for one egg. Dr. F told me they have gone through with an IVF cycle before with low egg numbers and have still been able to achieve a pregnancy.

Let me just say that I was prepared to go in there and have only 1 or 2 or 3 eggs. My gut feeling was that my ovaries were not producing what they should for an IVF cycle and we would just adjust my protocol and try again later.

However, I was not prepared to hear that because of this hypothalamic component, the best we can hope for at this point is 2 eggs, possibly 3 even with all the IVF ovarian stimulation meds.

The tears won’t stop because for the first time it is looking like I just may have to give up on this dream I’ve had since childhood to conceive, be pregnant and give birth to a baby who is half me and half my husband, yet uniquely an individual person.

I can’t explain how I feel other than to say that it feels like a death has occurred in the family.

I know it’s not all over yet. However, things are growing more and more grim by the day that I will ever actually have life growing inside of me.

The plan for now is to convert this IVF cycle into an IUI cycle. I would like to discuss my options with Dr. L on Monday as he was not on call today. I am grateful for Dr. F’s input and am anxious to know what Dr. L’s opinion is. It never hurts to hear the opinions of two excellent doctors.

This is one of those very dark days. However, I can still see a glimmer of hope found in God’s Promise in Jeremiah 29:11.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I still firmly believe that with all my heart and know one day I will look back on this day and see once again the faithfulness of God iron out all the wrinkles of a very ugly day.

I think it can go without saying that I need prayers, but I’ll say it anyway. I need your prayers.

Please pray for wisdom to know if we should shoot for another IVF cycle in June and hope for at least a few more eggs or if we should throw in the towel and seek other options that are equally overwhelming to think about.

God is [still] [STILL] Faithful

First, I must preface this post with this statement:

I am not pregnant.

I know you already know that – but you will understand why I had to say that by the time you finish reading this post.

I’ve compared this journey to a roller coaster ride of many ups and downs. What I am about to say is … (I can’t come up with a word that adequately describes.)

You know what happened Wednesday. (Blood work day. Veins wouldn’t cooperate so they give me a urine pregnancy test, which was negative.)

They gave me orders to go get blood work done at Quest later on in the same day. I said, “I won’t go be poked again. I’ll just go home and wait for the period. If it doesn’t come, then I’ll go.”

So Wednesday comes and goes. No period.

Thursday. Still nothing.

Friday. I’m officially late.

Anyone going through this knows that even when there is a glimmer of hope that you may possibly be pregnant, you still remain guarded until you know for sure.

But by Friday I was allowing myself to think things like:

Is this the beautiful masterpiece that God had planned all along? That I would get negative results and days later test positive and actually have been pregnant all along?

I couldn’t help but imagine being able to surprise people with the news that I was pregnant! One of the biggest disappointments for me in fertility treatments is that there is no way to surprise people with the news of pregnancy. Unless, of course, you choose to keep the procedures quiet and not even tell people you are going through them. To me, that isn’t an option. The prayer support is a necessity when you are going through something like this.

Friday, while I was with the twins, I called T and told her here it was Friday and I had still not started. She told me to come in Saturday morning and she would do a blood test on me.

Around lunchtime I had some brownish, pinkish spotting.

Implantation spotting? But on Day 16 after ovulation? Typically implantation spotting is between days 6-12 after ovulation.

I called T back. She told me she would talk to Dr. L and call me.

When she called back, she told me Dr. L said it could possibly be implantation spotting.

By last night I was beginning to let myself believe this actually might be so.

Late period, implantation spotting and not feeling like I was going to start my period in the least bit.

Put all that together, mixed with a great desire that it be so, and I was more hopeful than ever this morning as we drove to the doctor’s for the blood work. I couldn’t wait to be able to tell everyone!

We walked into the doctor’s office and T was there to draw my blood.

She told us it would take about 20 minutes to run the test.

Tina let us stay with her as she ran the test. She explained the process to us. There were different phases. Finally, it was the last phase.

There was a printer that would print out the numbers and give the results. T was just as anxious as we were. When it was almost ready to spit out my results T went over there to the machine and just stared at the paper as it printed.

Meanwhile, Dave and I stood together a few feet away. My heart was pounding so hard. I remember thinking, “Maybe the nerves I feel would be how I would feel if I had to stand up and give a speech before thousands like the president has to.” Then I said, “T, when you see the number just tell me. Even if it’s not positive.”

It was seconds later when I heard T say, “No.” and she put her head down against the machine. I said, “No?” and burst into tears.

T hugged me like my Mama would have had she been there and I will always be grateful for that.

I think you could very easily say that this is possibly my greatest disappointment in life so far. I cannot explain to you the emotions of shock and confusion I felt upon hearing the word no.

But at the same time, I could not focus on the dream of today’s possibilities being flushed, once again, down the drain. Instead, my mind was flooded with the promises of God’s Word.

His Grace is sufficient. (2 Corn. 12:9-10)

I trust in the Lord. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

God has a plan and purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I must be strong and courageous, for God is with me wherever I go. (Joshua 1:9)

As I sit and reflect back on the sequence of events over the past few days, it would be so easy to allow myself to believe God has played a cruel joke on us!

But I know in my heart that is not the God I serve.

I serve a loving God and I still believe He has something way better than even the potential scenario of today planned for us.

And today, I do hold this one piece of my jigsaw puzzle and wonder how in the world this could possibly fit into my masterpiece.

And then I think, “It’s a good thing it is not up to me to figure this one out!”

That’s God’s job and He is more than capable.

I will meet with Dr. L on Tuesday, October 28 at 9:00am. to discuss our next step. I will also have an ultrasound to see if there can be any medical explanation of the ordeal.

Pray for wisdom and discernment for Dr. L as we are at a crossroad and many decisions must be made.

Pray also that Dave and I will be obedient and listen to God as He shows us what’s next.

It is well with my soul.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7