Stand Strong in the Lord!!

I slept good last night because I know this is not my battle to fight.

God is fighting for us.

The battle I must fight is the one within myself.

The one against my flesh.

I must stand strong in the LORD, knowing He will work everything out for my good, even if it doesn’t work out the way I would desire.

Satan is a prowling lion around my heart this morning. He is waiting for an opportunity to attack me, but I will stand strong in the LORD.

Satan cannot get me because my heart already belongs to God.

He is trying. I know the specific ways he tries to “get to me” when there is a battle raging.

One specific way that Satan attacks me during times like this is by reminding me that if I was pregnant with Sweet Pea, none of this would be an issue! Satan is sneaky like this. He takes something that he knows I have dealt with (desire for pregnancy), grieved and moved on from and throws it right back in my face!

That’s okay though because my response to the devil on this is: That’s fine. You can bring this up as many times as you want, but I know God had plans for me that went beyond pregnancy. God has chosen to build my family through adoption and He is walking every step of this journey with me, working everything out for His glory. I may not like every decision He makes, but I have learned that God’s Way is best – always. So back off of me in the name of Jesus Christ!!!!

My role here is not to work out these complications that have come up. My role is to stand strong in the LORD and let HIM do the fighting.

Please pray for our lawyer, Emily, today. Emily’s role is to work out these complications and I am incredibly grateful that God has put her in this role to be an advocate for both us and Melody.

Please pray that God will open the doors for her to be able to figure things out and iron out some of the mess that occurred yesterday. (Which, I will add, Melody is not responsible for.)

Please pray binding Satan from any attacks he would wish to throw at me today.

Please pray for Melody and Sweet Pea.

poured out

Here are the contents of my heart, poured out in my journal on March 17th, 2011:

It’s Thursday and I am at my parents’ house. Little Bug is napping and I am in my old bedroom to spend time with the Lord uninterrupted. How many times I’ve poured my heart out to Jesus in this room…I don’t know! But this I do know…I am incredibly blessed. If God chose to not grow my family any further – I am blessed beyond measure. I spent countless hours pleading with Jesus to bring me my husband  – and He did – and then I spent countless hours asking God to please put a baby in my womb – and He did so much more than that.

I have learned throughout the past almost 15 years (I was fifteen when God really started His work in molding me and making me who He planned for me to be) so much about my Savior and yet, in comparison to who God is, I know only about as much that will fit into the period at the end of this sentence.

That is just how big God is.

My life is the Lord’s for His using. My infertility has taught me that I am not on this earth to simply enjoy life’s pleasures and then to live eternally with God when I die and go to Heaven. This life matters, even though it is fleeting and I can be here today and gone tomorrow. This life matters but it is not what the world says matters that really matters.

What matters is that I am living for Jesus. What matters is that I have laid my life before my God and I have said, “I surrender, do as you please with my life for your glory.”

That is what matters.

I am so thankful that God has shown me the whys behind my suffering with infertility. It is my platform for others to see Jesus through me as God works miracles through my life and as others watch and see how I am completely trusting God and the promises of His word.

People who do not know God have a hard time sometimes believing He is real but when they come across my story, they see tangible evidence of an invisible God at work in the life of me. Put aside all my other roles in life (wife, mother, daughter, friend) and that is my purpose in this life.

To allow others to see Jesus through me.

Writing and my blog are the tools God has given me to proclaim the good news of Christ and the hope He has to offer to the world.

I want to be found faithful.

As we find ourselves with the opportunity to adopt again this summer, if this birth mother chooses us after looking at all the profiles she will be presented with, I know this is another opportunity for God to perform another miracle in my life so that I can give the glory to Him.

Unfortunately, my heart knows and believes all these things with every fiber of my being, but I have a great enemy that HATES this – all of it.

He hates adoption because it is a picture of God and His love for us. He hates that I am happy, content and filled with joy in spite of the fact I am infertile. He wants me to be bitter, angry, jealous all the time. He hates that I have chosen to live my life for the Lord and he hates that God is making good from bad for His glory.

When the worry creeps in and when I feel myself getting impatient as I wait to hear if we were chosen to parent this baby due this summer, I must remember Satan is trying to pull me down by attacking my flesh since he can’t have my heart.

I must fix my eyes on Jesus.

New Day, New Mercies

It is a new day, a new month and that can only mean one thing:

God’s mercies are new. He has brought me through another fire and I am still standing.

But I am not just standing.

I am standing firm because God is my strength, my peace, my joy in times of trouble and heartache and no matter what the devil tries to scheme against me, GOD has won.

Which means I won, because I’m on His side.

The promises of God’s Word are still true. There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan, a perfect and beautiful plan that is far greater and far bigger than a biological sibling for Little Bug.

I learned that full well on my journey to Little Bug.

Yesterday was a day of sorrow for what wasn’t going to be and there were certainly tears, but ultimately do you know the overwhelming emotion I felt yesterday and continue to feel today?

Relief.

I am sure that might not make a whole lot of sense right now, which is why I have chosen to reveal the details of this drama.

The drama began with a text from Tracy to me on Monday, January 24th.

She asked me if we wanted to come over for dinner and help her get some furniture.

I replied that I had been asking around to see if people had any furniture they were trying to get rid of and could donate and we would just have to wait and see what is donated.

Tracy text me back that she was getting a kitchen table and needed us to come help her pick it up and then we could stay for dinner.

Not long after this text, I received a call from our lawyer.

The lawyer told me she had just received a text from Tracy saying she needed a sum of money to be able to buy a kitchen table because Dave and Elaine were coming over for dinner and she needed a place for us to sit.

I am sure at this point my jaw was on the floor, but believe it or not, this was just the prelude to all the drama that was about to unfold.

The lawyer and I made the decision that this was an outlandish request. The lawyer said she was going to call Tracy and tell her no, the request could not be granted.

On Tuesday, January 25th I received a phone call from the lawyer telling me that she had talked to Tracy and Tracy was livid that the lawyer would not give her the money.

Tuesday night Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound in the evening. All we had from the adoption agency for proof of pregnancy was a “pregnancy confirmation” document.

Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound at a crisis pregnancy center on Tuesday evening.

When the lawyer told me that Tracy was angry about the money situation, she warned me that Tracy may not show up for her ultrasound.

Tuesday afternoon I received a text from Tracy asking me why we had not paid the lawyer and did we really want this baby?

I replied that we had done everything the lawyer had asked us to do because, of course, we were very excited about this baby.

I never heard back from her and sure enough, Tracy dropped off the radar. No one could make contact with her at all.

It was at this point that we obviously knew something was up and we began to suspect that she might not even be pregnant.

Wednesday passed. Then came Thursday.

Thursday we learned that the crisis center had actually cancelled all the ultrasounds scheduled for that evening because of a bad storm we got that night.

Thursday I received a very unexpected apology text from Tracy. I felt for sure that Tracy had “left town”, but hearing from her made me think that maybe there really was a baby after all.

I just wanted to get to the bottom of all the drama and know one way or the other!

Tracy also made contact with the lawyer and the lawyer set up a meeting with Tracy for Friday morning.

During their meeting the lawyer made Tracy call and reschedule her ultrasound, because, for obvious reasons, we knew this ultrasound was key in knowing if this adoption was over or if we would proceed. At this point, I didn’t know how I was going to survive 5-6 more months of dealing with Tracy drama if there really was a baby!

Tracy knew it was imperative to be at the Monday morning (January 31st) ultrasound.

I was at the appointment right on time. I sent a text to Tracy and told her I had gotten there. She text me back that she was on the way.

Forty-five minutes later, she had still not arrived. I sent Tracy another text and asked her if she was almost there. She said she was and five minutes later, she walked in the clinic door.

While I was waiting, I had spoken to the woman at the front desk and briefly explained the situation. I told her I needed to know TODAY if Tracy is pregnant or not.

Not long after Tracy arrived, she was called back. I was informed they were going to talk to Tracy first and then they would call me back when they were ready to do the ultrasound.

Ten minutes later Tracy walked back out into the waiting room and told me that they could not do an ultrasound on her because she has had ectopic pregnancies in the past.

I immediately stood up and told Tracy, “We have to get an ultrasound today to proceed with this adoption. That does not make sense. I am going back there to talk to them.”

Tracy sat down on a chair and I walked myself through the door and told the woman at the front desk that I had to speak with the lady who had just talked to Tracy.

She said, “Go down the hall and take a left.”

I found the woman and she was on the phone about Tracy with the manager of the crisis center.

She put the manager on hold and I told the woman, “This is the situation. We are not sure she is even pregnant. Drama has been going on for a week now and I NEED for her to have an ultrasound so we can get to the bottom of this. Please help me!”

The woman was very sweet. She asked me if I would talk to the manager. I immediately took the phone and pleaded my case to the manager.

Surprisingly enough, I got the same story that Tracy had just told me.

I understood. Tracy has had ectopic pregnancies in the past. (I do know this is true from official medical records when Tracy was pregnant with Little Bug.) The clinic is not a medical facility so their standard protocol is to not do an ultrasound on any woman who has had an ectopic pregnancy or who has had any bleeding during the pregnancy.

I also learned from the sweet lady at the crisis center that Tracy had said she had had some bleeding, which was another reason they were not giving Tracy an ultrasound.

The manger told me that the crisis pregnancy center could give me the name and number of another place where Tracy could go to get an ultrasound for a charge.

I told the sweet little lady that I needed that information. She gave me the information and I went back out to the waiting room.

Tracy had bolted.

She was no where to be found.

I went ahead and called the contact the crisis center had given me and found myself talking to another sweet lady.

I told her the situation I was in and that I needed an appointment TODAY, if at all possible.

She booked us for a 6:15pm appointment and I hung up with her and immediately dialed Tracy.

Of course, she did not answer.

I called the lawyer to fill her in on what was going on.

She told me she and her office would try all day to get in touch with Tracy and she would call me as soon as she knew anything.

Monday afternoon I received word from the lawyer that she had talked to Tracy and told her through texts that she HAD to go to this appointment at 6:15pm or her rent would not be paid tomorrow and she would not receive another penny from the agency.

Tracy text the lawyer back saying that she “couldn’t make it tonight”.

The lawyer text her back and told her we were done and to never contact her again for anything.

And finally, I had answers. Either Tracy was never pregnant to begin with or Tracy was pregnant, miscarried and was trying to see how far she could go.

When I learned that this was officially over I was sitting on my old bed at my parents’ house.  I had just laid Little Bug down for her nap and was waiting to hear from the lawyer. I heard the news, continued siting on my bed to take a few minutes to process, and then I walked downstairs to the living room where my parents were siting on the couch.

And the tears came.

They were tears of disappointment.

I knew they would come and I knew they would quickly go because ultimately I felt relief and like the weight of the whole world has been lifted off my shoulders. (I have another post coming soon about this.)

And while I can’t hardly believe the drama that transpired over the past week, it is what it is and ultimately I have hope in Jesus Christ.

Satan thinks he won this battle.

But I’ve got news for him.

Satan definitely has a stronghold on Tracy’s life, but on this brand new day, I proclaim to the world that God is good and God is faithful and Something More is coming!

Please don’t view me as a victim!

I am not the victim here. Tracy is.

Satan has a stronghold on her, not me.

I am as free as a bird soaring in the sky.

This is not the end of God’s story.

He’s got plenty still to write and I know it’s going to blow the socks right off my feet.

To God be the glory, great things He has done, is doing and will do.

Armor like no other

Never underestimate the role Satan plays when going through trials and tribulations on this earth.

Satan’s attempts to destroy and kill are very real.

(I am speaking to myself here, but I think this is something we all need to hear.)

The real war that was waged in the past 48 hours was not a war over having a baby or not. It was a war against good and evil and I was stuck in the middle.

But I am God’s and God has given me armor to fight against the attacks of Satan in my life.

Want to know real strength?? Read on …

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Ephesians 6: 10 – 18

Mess with me again, Satan. I dare you. Next time, I WILL be more prepared. Try as you might to destroy me and my faith in Jesus Christ, I have God’s strength and power within me and YOU can’t even stand to be where His Name is being proclaimed. You don’t stand a chance – so back off – IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST!!!!

*****

Prayer warriors from near and far… I hope you see once again what a vital role you play here. You held me up yesterday when I could not stand. You lifted me to the Father and today, I stand. I stand in the mighty power and strength of God.

Keep praying, for this war is still raging and Satan WILL strike again.