Trust Me!

We had our IVF consult meeting in February 2009 and by the first of March I had started the stimulation process of IVF.

After a few days of stimulation I went in for the first ultrasound to monitor the follicles.

There was only one maturing follicle.

The doctor and nurses told me not to panic and that I just needed more stimulation and hopefully more follicles would grow.

My stimulation meds were increased and tons of people were praying for more follicles.

Sunday morning, March 8th, 2009, I walked into the doctor’s office and laid on the examination table like I had done hundreds of times before.

The ultrasound wand began to search for follicles, but there was nothing but a blank screen.

I lay there in silence; I knew what the screen should have looked like.

And finally, the doctor (not the one I always saw) gave me devastating news.

There was still only one follicle, who would later be known as The Lone Ranger.

Dr. F explained to me that a combination of several factors would most likely only yield 2 or 3 follicles for me, even when being stimulated as much as possible with IVF meds.

He told us we could try again, if we wanted, but to not expect more than three mature follicles.

Laying there I knew this was the end and I was terrified. It was on that table I learned the meaning of devastating.

Part of me wanted to try again. Part of me thought maybe Dr. L would have something different to tell me.

And then, like I did with every single decision we had to make concerning our next step of treatment while walking the road of infertility, I asked God what was next for us.

He replied with an answer I did not like.

He told me our time with treatments was up and He wanted us to pursue adoption.

I argued with Him for a time.

I asked Him, “But what about my dream that I’ve always had to experience pregnancy and childbirth? I want a child that is half me and half the man I love. I want to experience the miracle of life growing within my body.”

The only thing He replied back to me was, “TRUST ME.”

And so I surrendered those desires to Him and put my complete trust in Him. I believed with all my heart that His Plans were to prosper me and not to harm me, plans that would bring me hope and a future.

As soon as I surrendered my plans for His, I immediately felt a strong urgency to turn in our adoption paperwork as soon as possible.

We were praying God would perform a miracle with The Lone Ranger since we had converted our IVF cycle to our fifth attempt at IUI.

During that 2-week wait, I spent hour upon hour getting that paperwork ready to turn it into the adoption agency.

My mom helped me tremendously in getting our Family Profile, complete with pictures, ready to turn in.

My goal was to take the packet to the lawyer on April 7th, 8th, or 9th.

Around the end of March, we learned God had not performed a miracle with The Lone Ranger.

On April 3rd, the friend we had talked to about adoption back in January called me. She told me the adoption agency had four babies that were due between June and July but they had all been placed.

Then she told me that there was one adoptive family who may not be able to go through with the adoption and that baby may become available.

I didn’t really give that much thought and I certainly didn’t allow my heart to be even a little hopeful.

I knew that adoption was a lengthy process and I was prepared to do my fair share of waiting.

Mama and I finished the final touches on the Family Profile on April 8th. I was so excited to walk into the agency office and turn in our adoption paperwork the next day!

Even more excited was my Heavenly Father, I am sure!

He knew all the tears, all the disappointments, the pain and the sorrow were all for the very moment when I would walk into the adoption agency office and learn of the Something More God had planned for us all along.

I was about to learn that God’s Plan for my life is way bigger and way better than anything I could ever plan for myself!

to be continued…

Setting the Stage for a Miracle

One year and one day ago, I had laparoscopic surgery that revealed I had endometriosis.

All the endo was excised and we then had to decide if we wanted to continue on with another IUI or move on to IVF.

With it being very close to the holidays, we decided to take a break and continue with whatever treatment we decided to do after the New Year.

November was spent recovering from the surgery while December was spent praying for a Christmas Miracle.

We had decided to go ahead and do the Clomid Challenge Test in December. My RE had told me doing the test would better help him know if we should do some more IUIs or go on to IVF.

Being on Clomid, I had two follicles that month and we prayed that God would just do a miracle and allow us to conceive!

He did a miracle alright – just not in the way we prayed! His Plans are so much BIGGER than ours!

On Sunday, December 8th, 2008, we were sitting in Sunday School listening to prayer requests. A couple in the class mentioned the birth mother of their son was pregnant again and they needed prayer as they decided if they were going to adopt this new baby as well.

As I sat listening, immediately something washed over my entire body. I had to literally hold back the tears as my heart silently cried out, “I WANT THAT BABY!”

It was totally unexpected and even as I sat there I questioned my own self! Adoption had never been in my plans.

Over the course of the next few weeks, God continued to work on both of our hearts and we became extremely open to the idea of adoption.

On January 10th, 2009, we went to the home of the couple who had shared the prayer request to talk to them about adoption and, more specifically, the adoption agency they had used.

We left their house that night knowing we would most likely adopt. When we got home that evening a poem popped into my head and I wrote it down:

Our miracle has come,

Not in my womb, but in our hearts

We are going to adopt!

Baby is on the way,

She will be here in the month of May!

That poem could have only come from God, because at that time, I had no clue that we would indeed become parents to a little girl, in May, through the miracle of adoption!

At the time I wrote that poem, we both still felt like our time with infertility treatments wasn’t over yet.

However, on January 12th, I decided on my own to go to the adoption agency and ask for a packet to fill out. I looked up the directions to get to the adoption agency on my own and set out to find it.

I am typically not very good at finding places I’ve never been to before. But God had His hand on me and literally walked me to the doorstep of the adoption agency!

I found the place I had googled fairly easily. Except when I went inside, the lady at the front desk told me the adoption agency had just moved out of that building that very day! She gave me verbal directions to their new location. I had no clue how I was going to find this place.

But God lead me there because His purpose always prevails.

About to give up after driving up and down the same road numerous times, I finally saw what the lady at the old place had told me to look for. I turned in and discovered a new problem.

There were two rows of office buildings. I had no clue where the agency was as there was no sign out yet since they had just moved that day!

I decided to park my car, get out and start walking.

And wouldn’t you know, I walked right to the adoption agency’s door!

The secretary gave me the adoption packet and I went on my way.

That night (January 12th) we started filling the packet out but as we started our first IVF cycle, the packet got placed on the back burner because it was too much to focus on at one time.

About the time we went to talk to the couple about adoption, we learned that I had failed the Clomid Challenge Test with an FSH level of 13.

We felt our focus now needed to be on our “window of opportunity” to have at least one biological child.

God opened the door to IVF and we walked through.

Little did we know through that IVF cycle, God was setting the stage to perform a miracle …

The Miracle of Little Bug!

to be continued…

Walking the Dark Road


February 2008 was the month I realized my worst dream was coming true.

I was going to have to walk the dark road of infertility.

We had been trying unsuccessfully to conceive for 6 months and I instinctively knew something was wrong.

I certainly didn’t want to believe it, but I knew it was true.

We were timing everything perfectly month after month and yet every single pregnancy test was stark white.

I made an appointment for March 12th with the most fabulous RE on the face of this earth.

In April we were told what was wrong. It really wasn’t anything major for either of us. Our RE was pretty confident that within 3 cycles of doing an IUI, I would be pregnant.

At this point in the journey, I just wanted to be pregnant. Little did I know, God was going to take the circumstances of my life and teach me incredible things about Himself.

Our first IUI was in May of 2008 and had to be canceled. At the time, I thought that was the absolute worst thing that could have ever happened to us! Now, I just laugh when I think about that “devastating” day. I didn’t know the definition of devastating on that day.

I also didn’t have the will power or the courage to stand up in the face of defeat and keep going. I had not experienced the strength of the Lord in the darkest hour.

So God thought teaching me all those things through three failed IUIs would be a wonderful idea.

It was a wonderful idea and I wouldn’t trade what God taught me from May 2008 to October 2008 for the world.

One by one, every single one of our IUI cycles ended in a negative.

I felt totally out of control.

I felt defeated.

I felt discouraged.

I was afraid.

I was completely frustrated.

I had no idea what was going on.

Now, looking back, I see God lead me to the road of infertility for a specific purpose.

I learned more about the character of God and how to really trust God in those five months than I had in my entire life.

I learned what it means to be in the depths of despair and still pick up the broken pieces of your heart and press on through a strength that can only come through the Lord.

When we are weak, it really is then that we have strength. It is not a strength that comes from yourself – it is a strength that only comes from the Lord.

I learned what it means to put your trust in the Lord. All my life I had said I trusted the Lord, but my walk down the road of infertility was my time to act upon my words.

The road of infertility is a dark pathway full of uncertainties, sorrow and pain. There were days I wanted to curl up on the side of the road and just give up. I didn’t think I could take one more negative pregnancy test. There were days when I questioned why I was on this road. It didn’t seem fair that a girl who had always dreamed of motherhood would be walking this road.

There were days when all I had was my faith in Jesus Christ to get me through the day. I clung to the Scriptures – the promises of God. I chose to believe these promises with every fiber of my being:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Glory be to God who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we could ever dare to ask or even dream of. Ephesians 3:20

After the three failed IUI cycles my RE told us that there had to be some underlying issue that would only be discovered through surgery.

to be continued…