I am thankful for my broken reproductive system.

Well, here I am again during what is suppose to be my blogging break! I wanted to post this on Thanksgiving Day so here it is!

 

Today is Thanksgiving and this past week I’ve been doing a lot of thinking back on my infertility years. The people in the Bible did a lot of reflecting on the work the Lord had done for them in the past and that is exactly where I find myself today.

Who knew having a reproductive system that doesn’t work properly could be so beautiful?

In 2007, I certainly wouldn’t have thought this was so but standing here at the end of 2013, I am thankful.

I am thankful for my broken reproductive system.

Why?

Well, for starters, I wouldn’t have the relationship I have today with my Heavenly Father if it wasn’t for going through infertility.

Infertility stripped me of my identity. I grew up thinking I would get married and have babies and that didn’t happen. I went to college to be a teacher, but always in the back of my mind and always on the forefront of my heart was my desire to be a mother. And then I couldn’t get pregnant.

And I learned that my ability to have children does not make me who I am.

I am a Child of the King. And He had different plans for me. I found my identity in Christ.

There is something to be said about reaching a point in your life where nothing is going according to how you thought it would go and you are powerless to change anything about it.

You could say I was at the mercy of fate. But I know better.

I was standing in the fire (infertility being my fire) and I had to chose my faith in Jesus Christ or chose faith in my plan that I had been counting on for years.

Being in that spot where you are stripped of everything familiar and then you are powerless to change anything, makes you either turn to your faith in Jesus Christ or turn away from Him.

By God’s grace and mercy, I turned to Him. Everything I had learned as a child and teenager about God was put to the test.

Is God really good?

Does He really have good plans for my life?

Can He really take something as horrible as infertility and make good come from it?

Walking that road, and learning to trust God in a way I had never before trusted in Him, I learned the answer to every single one of those questions.

And the answer was, and still is, a resounding YES YES YES.

God IS good, He did and He does have good plans for my life and only He can take something as horrible as infertility and make good come from it.

My faith in Him was stretched to the limit, but His faithfulness was ever-present every single step of my journey.

When God gave me a poem four months before we even knew anything about Little Bug and the poem said we’d have a baby girl in May, and we did………..God’s faithfulness was there.

When we knew our time with infertility treatments had come to a close and God was telling us to adopt and then almost exactly a month later we were matched with Tracy…….God’s faithfulness was there.

When we turned in our paperwork to the adoption agency and then stood in the delivery room holding our firstborn child just 48 days later……..God’s faithfulness was there.

When God gave me the joy of announcing on Christmas Day 2010 that Baby #2 was on the way even though that baby was miscarried by Tracy, but little did we know, another woman – Melody – was pregnant with the baby that would become our second daughter……..God’s faithfulness was there.

When God prompted a friend of mine to tell me about an adoption situation her lawyer had and we decided to pursue it even though it turned out not to work out (or so we thought!!)…….God’s faithfulness was there.

When we contacted our adoption agency on May 2nd, 2011, to say we were ready to start the process for #2, and then were matched ten days later with the very same woman from the situation we had thought had not worked out……God’s faithfulness was there.

When Melody was taken away to a city 1.5 hours to deliver Sweet Pea and we worried about the logistics of a NICU stay in another city and being away from Little Bug but then God worked out every single detail right down to free accommodations the entire week Sweet Pea was in the NICU…….God’s faithfulness was there.

I reflect back on all that and I am thankful for my infertility. Without it, I wouldn’t have experienced God in the ways I have over the past six years.

And that would be tragic. Being barren is not tragic when you look at it outside your own point of view and instead see the work God desires to do through your barrenness.

Before 2007, I knew God was faithful, but right here right now in 2013 I know God is faithful in a way I didn’t know before I walked the road of infertility.

I’ve seen His hand perform miracle after miracle. I’ve seen him part the Red Seas of my life and make a way for me to be a mother and for two women to know their daughters would be well taken care of when all three of these situations seemed hopeless and motherhood for me was becoming a pipe dream.

The faithfulness of God is a thread that we can see woven throughout the entire Bible, from Genesis to Revelation. It starts when God made a promise to Abraham that He would make him into a great nation.(Genesis 12:2)

The interesting thing is this: Abraham’s wife, Sarah, was barren!!

How was Abraham suppose to be father of many great nations if his wife could not get pregnant???

Oh God had a plan. A plan that would show His hand at work as only He could do. A plan that would proclaim the mighty works of a God who is good, a God who has plans to prosper us and a God that can make something beautiful even out of something so painful and ugly as infertility.

The same God who made Abraham the father of many nations made me a mother in 2009 and 2011.

His faithfulness continues through all generations. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. (Hebrews 13:8)

This is something we can all be thankful for no matter where we find ourselves this Thanksgiving Day 2013. Because even if you find yourself right in the middle of your “fire” – whatever that may be – God’s faithfulness is there.

Look for it and I promise you, you will find it.

5/22/09

Little Bug turns four years old next Monday. In this week leading up to her birthday, I have decided to go back in the handwritten journal I kept during my wait until her birth and share some of my writings from that time. This one was written on May 22, 2009, five days before Little Bug entered this world.

And we still wait. Even knowing You know the day and hour and have everything already planned, I am still so anxious for Little Bug to be born. I’m just so ready to be done with the adoption process and move on to learning to parent with Dave. I look forward to the days of sleep-deprivation, a crying newborn and trying to figure out what soothes her best. I look forward to all that because it will all be normal – something every couple who’s just brought a newborn home from the hospital goes through!

These past 2 years have been anything but the norm! I’m ready for some normalcy to our lives – even if it is a different kind of chaos!

On the same hand, I certainly wouldn’t trade one single thing of our journey for any piece of “normal”. We’ve traveled the road God set before us 2 years ago and we made it our goal to walk the road of infertility with our trust in the Lord. He has proven His loving faithfulness to us, and to all people who put their trust and hope in Him.

When I go back and read blog posts I posted even as far as a year ago, it is so evident that I knew deep within my heart that we would not stay in the pit of despair forever. I also knew early on that God was up to something big. I stated many times throughout my blog that God’s plan for my life is bigger and better than anything I could plan for myself. I embraced my infertility. I did not accept it as a curse. I knew it was God’s tool that He was using to do something big in my life, something that only HE could do to point people to Himself. When people hear the story of how Little Bug came into our lives, God’s Name is written all over her! It thrills my heart to no end that I worship a God who can take my temporary pain and turn it into something as beautiful as Little Bug.

I know God desires to do something big in any Child of God’s life who is going through infertility or some other trial. I’ve learned over the past years to receive God’s blessings and for God to be able to work in one’s life so that He can receive the glory, we must step back in surrender and let God lead us every step of the way. Where He leads we must follow and what He says do or don’t do, we must obey. Only then can we discover the something more He has planned.

I definitely know what it means to surrender and that was the hardest part of this journey because God asked me to surrender my desire for pregnancy to Him. And then He told me no more treatments, adopt!! You better believe that is not what I wanted!! But I knew I had to surrender and trust God because if I kept going in a direction God was leading me away from I knew I wouldn’t see the something more god had planned. And so I surrendered and the floodgates of heaven’s blessings poured out for God’s glory. He gave us Little Bug.

Thank you Jesus for the pain, tears and agony. May our lives continue for Your Glory as we raise this little girl to love You.

Another March 8th

As March rolls around every year, it takes me back to March 8th, 2009. I don’t think there will ever be a March where I don’t reflect on the day that totally changed the course of my life – forever.

I like to go back in the blog and read posts from that time. They certainly aren’t pleasant posts to read, but they tell a story of God’s faithfulness, that is for sure. Here’s something I wrote the day after on March 10th, 2009:

What can you do but pick up the pieces after a day like yesterday?

It’s no joke that the road of infertility is full of ups and downs. While yesterday was probably the lowest of the lows for us in our journey so far, I still found myself watching the clock and waiting for the day to end so a new one could begin.

I know a new day signifies a fresh outlook and while we never assumed the outcome of our first attempt at IVF would be this bad, we can only move forward from here and deal with the new set of circumstances that have been given to us.

I decided long ago that I am going to choose to set my mind on God and not my circumstances that seem to grow dimmer and dimmer with each passing treatment.

However, this blow knocked me down hard. Yesterday put me that much closer to the reality of having to accept that I may actually never be pregnant and give birth to a baby.

But yesterday also made me realize once again that I am not in control here and neither is my doctor. God is in control and yesterday did not take Him by surprise at all.

Now, more than ever, I must trust that God has a perfect plan that somehow involves the bleak circumstances of yesterday. If I don’t believe that simple truth, I literally have nothing.

As for now, we are converting this IVF cycle to an IUI. I will go in tomorrow at 8am for another ultrasound to monitor what this solo follicle hanging out in my left ovary is doing. I’m predicting (based on how the three IUIs before surgery went) that we will be ready for insemination towards the end of this week. Assuming, of course, that this one follicle doesn’t decide to take a leave of absence as well.

Honestly, I’m not allowing myself to think too much about this IUI and the possibilities that lie within. I justcan’t allow my mind to think that this could be it.

As far as our next step beyond an IUI goes … we are once again at a crossroad of decision-making and need your prayers as we make (another) big decision.

When not-so-great odds, a huge sum of money and a deep desire to be a mother are all thrown into making one decision, it makes for a very complex decision to be made.

I know without a shadow of doubt that the prayers of many faithful prayer warriors is what pulled me through yesterday. Thank you, from the bottom of my broken heart, for all the prayers, comments, emails, Facebook messages and phone calls.

I could never convey to you in words how much it means to me to know that I have an army of prayer warriors lifting me up to the Father on a consistent basis – especially on a day like yesterday when I literally just didn’t know what to pray.

We will probably never fully understand this side of heaven the complete impact your prayers have made.

But I am completely confident that one day we will all be able to look back on this entire journey and see a beautiful outcome that is far better and far greater than anything we can even imagine today.

I, for one, am looking forward to that glorious day!

It’s four years later and I am no where near that place I was four years ago on March 8th. These words I wrote then give God glory, today: Now, more than ever, I must trust that God has a perfect plan that somehow involves the bleak circumstances of yesterday. If I don’t believe that simple truth, I literally have nothing.

Oh, how true those words were and still are now! God did have a perfect plan that did involve the bleak circumstances of March 8, 2009. He was setting the stage to do His miracle. First the miracle of Little Bug and then, two years later, the miracle of Sweet Pea – all of which He had to orchestrate outside my womb.

But He also did another miracle.

I never in a million years thought I’d ever be at peace with never experiencing pregnancy and childbirth, but I am. I am totally at peace.

There was a time when even the thought of never experiencing it would send me into torrents of tears. I always held on to hope that one day it would still happen. Even after Little Bug’s birth, I still wished I could experience pregnancy.

I really cannot pinpoint the time when God changed my heart on this matter. It didn’t happen overnight; it happened gradually. When we started thinking about #2, we talked about trying for a pregnancy again, but we soon realized God had turned our hearts fully on adoption and I realized I didn’t need to experience pregnancy for my life to be complete. Carrying a baby in my womb and giving birth does not make me who I am.

God makes me who I am. I find my worth in Him because without Him, I am nothing and apart from Him, I can do nothing.

God wrote a different story for me. Yes, God created woman in the Garden of Eden and told her to “be fruitful and multiply”. My womb will never be fruitful, but my arms are lacking nothing.

I am thankful to be in this place, today, 48 months later.

A Gift to Us All

God gave me an incredible gift yesterday.

I had an hour long conversation with someone who knows Tracy well.

Through a connection between someone I know who knows someone who knows Tracy (got that?!), I was able to talk to this person for a long while and learn an incredibly large amount of information about Little Bug’s biological family.

It was a tremendous blessing to me because, given the circumstances of Tracy’s life, our adoption is not open. Even though Tracy does have a way to contact me, I go months and years from hearing from her.

I often wonder how she is, where she is and what she is up to.

I got answers yesterday and while the information I received breaks my heart for Tracy, it is just simply nice to know and it is such a blessing to have this connection to Tracy without having to have direct contact with Tracy – even though every time Tracy does choose to contact me directly, I warmly receive her.

As an adoptive parent, I see the beauty of open adoption. Adoption has come a long way from the way it used to be back in the day when the baby was born, swiped from the birth mother and placed with the adoptive family only for the two to never even share one conversation.

I see the beauty of open adoption and how it enables both sides to find healing and comfort in the fact that communication can happen from both sides so the adoptive child is not left wondering where they came from and the biological family is not left wondering how their child is doing in their new family.

Open adoption doesn’t work for all cases and both of my adoptions fall into the category where open adoption is not only not possible but not best for the child.

However, as an adoptive parent I always want the lines of communication to be there so that when my daughters start learning their stories and have questions about their biological families, I can provide them with ways to find answers.

God gave me that line of communication yesterday for Little Bug through this person I talked to.

I hung up from that conversation, completely overwhelmed from the information I had received.

I quickly wrote everything down and just this morning I have transferred all my notes to the notebook I keep for Little Bug with every single piece of information I have about her adoption, the interactions I have had with Tracy after Little Bug’s placement with us and any information I have about Little Bug’s biological family.

It absolutely breaks my heart to know more about the life Tracy has lead and the effects it has had on her biological children.

And then I think of Little Bug. Little Bug is living a life completely different from anything any of her biological siblings have lived.

In the midst of my sorrow yesterday in learning more about Tracy, the one beacon of light shining in the midst of Tracy’s very dark existence in this world, is her adoption plan for her youngest daughter.

Adoption has forever and completely changed the life of a very precious almost three-year-old girl.

That is the miracle of adoption.

And it, once again, reminds me of my own adoption into the family of God and how that adoption has forever and completely changed my life.

I will share some of my ending thoughts as I wrote everything I learned in the notebook:

That is a lot to take in, I know. For the rest of that day and on into the night and still today, it is all I can think about.

The one thing that keeps coming to mind is this: That is what Little Bug was born into. She could easily be growing up just like Tracy’s other biological children. But by the Grace of God, He saw fit to remove Little Bug from that lifestyle. And it has totally and completely changed the course of life for Little Bug. She has a new family – one that gives her stability every single day.

Little Bug doesn’t ever have to experience a day of life like her biological siblings have. Why God chose Little Bug out of the [x number] of children to never live a day as a [Tracy’s family name] – I don’t know – I am just forever grateful for His intervention.

I’ve always known Little Bug is a miracle – and after that conversation with [the person I talked to], it is even more clear to me – Little Bug is one very, very special little girl.

This leaves my heart further burdened for the woman who chose life for my daughter and then chose me to be her mother. Tracy will forever hold a special place in my heart. My prayers will continue for her as long as I live. I pray one day she experiences another adoption – an adoption into the family of God.

I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea if one day Little Bug will want to track Tracy down and meet her face to face. I have no idea how learning about her biological family will or won’t effect Little Bug in the future.

I just pray that Little Bug one day realizes that it was not by chance or coincidence or even a moment of sanity on Tracy’s part that an adoption plan was made for her at birth.

It was a divine intervention from God and a gift to us all.

Because through that adoption plan, I became a mother, Tracy enabled one of her children to escape the lifestyle cycles that have affected her and her children and Little Bug is someone today that she simply could not be if she was in her biological family.

Adoption is made beautiful by Christ alone and it has enabled me to witness miracles right before my very eyes.

reflections

I spent some time today going back in my blog and reading posts from February of last year – the month after everything happened with Tracy and the month before things started happening with Sweet Pea.

It was so interesting to me to read what I wrote in February because most of my posts centered around acknowledging that God is in control of our second adoption journey and the realization that I just needed to sit back and wait in great expectation for God to do another miracle.

I had no idea of knowing what God was going to start doing on March 8th when my friend Jennifer text me about an adoption situation, wondering if we would be interested.

During the months of waiting to see if we would be matched with this birth mother, the lessons God desired to teach me were all about the fact that GOD was in control of everything and nothing I did or didn’t do would change the outcome.

God had it all under control, even though at the time, there was a lot of waiting involved and a lot of uncertainty on my end.

It just amazes me how God prepares our hearts for what is to come. He planted these seeds in my heart in February knowing in March and until I had Sweet Pea in my arms in August, I would need to hang on knowing that God was in control.

If you have some time, go back and read my posts from February of last year. The words I wrote astound me because I had no idea what God was about to do.

When we find ourselves in a situation where we can’t see the big picture and we don’t have access to all the details, we must remember that God sees it all. He has planned it all. And not only that, He has something good in store, even if it looks like you’ve been deserted in left field.

He is there. Right beside you. And when the right time comes, He will start to reveal the big picture and you too will one day be able to look back on these days of only having just a fraction of the puzzle pieces and you will be able to see the big picture and know that God was in control of every single detail even when it seemed like everything was so uncertain.

It is strange to me that six months have already passed since Sweet Pea’s birth. On the day she turned 6 months old, around noon on that day, I remembered what happened at that exact moment. I believe it was actually a minute until noon and Emily called to tell me Sweet Pea had been born at 7:55am that morning.

The journey that had begun on March 8th – and, really, I guess you could say our official second adoption journey began on December 13, 2010, with Emily’s phone call that Tracy was pregnant – came to a close on August 4th when we jumped in the car and drove the 1.5 hours to go meet our second daughter after the TPR had been signed.

I guess reaching this point – 6 months after our second adoption in 2 years – makes me want to sit back and reflect upon the faithfulness of God through both of our adoptions.

It also takes me way back to September of 2008, the month I saw my first of countless negative pregnancy tests.

Those were my days of having only a fraction of the puzzle pieces. I couldn’t see the big picture which means there were many very hard days as I saw my dream slip away and I was powerless to do anything to change the circumstances I found myself in.

It sounds so cliché, I know, but God was in control. He had a beautiful journey laid out before me.

I am just standing in awe of all this today – and every day.

And thanking God, once again, that His plans were not mine.

Overwhelming Goodness

Another thing that really helps me keep things into perspective during this challenging time of two 2 and under is remembering the miracles God has performed in my life in just the span of two years!

I went from infertility treatments to mother-to-two in just two years! And all through the miracle of adoption.

Some people are on a waiting list to adopt for two years.

When I think about that I am overwhelmed in God’s goodness to bless me with Little Bug and Sweet Pea.

This is something I wrote the morning after meeting Sweet Pea, but I am just now getting around to publishing it.

Sleep must be overrated these days because you would think I would still be asleep right now considering how little of it I have had over the past 24 hours.

But, I am sitting here, with tears clouding my vision, marveling again at the goodness and faithfulness of our God.

I feel so unworthy of my blessings but then I remember none of this has ever been about just ME. It is ALL about GOD and Him receiving glory through me.

And God has received glory through the events that have been my life for the past four years.

It’s overwhelming to think of where I was on this journey as a newlywed just desiring to have a baby and to think about where God has brought me today.

God has certainly walked me through the fire and strengthened and grown my faith in Him in ways I never imagined possible. There is no limit to the kinds of miracles God can perform.

All He needed from me was my heart – my surrendered heart that truly said not my Will, Father, but Yours.

And then, He unleashed His richest blessings on me.

My precious daughters.

when I first laid eyes on you

Another day in the NICU.

Sweet Pea is sleeping, Dave has gone to Panera to use their internet to work and it’s just Sweet Pea and me in the NICU.

As I look at her sweet face I think, This is the baby that my friend Jennifer text me about on March 8th!! This is the baby that I started praying for not knowing if she was my child, or not. This is the baby that Emily told me about on May 2nd, three months to the day before Sweet Pea was born.

And this is the baby that I first laid eyes on not even a week ago now and she was already completely mine.

I can hardly begin to describe what that was like.

I have mentioned before that Little Bug and Sweet Pea’s adoptions have been totally different. I can’t go into great detail about all that at this time but I will say that being there for Little Bug’s birth was a moment in my lifetime that I will never forget.

Seeing her enter this world, especially after all I had just been through with infertility was like I was reborn myself. Her birth signaled a new beginning for me.

The beginning of motherhood.

As euphoric as those moments were surrounding Little Bug’s birth, I can hardly begin to describe what it felt like to hold a baby not knowing if she was really going to be mine or not.

09815 - 100_4641Holding Little Bug on the night of her birth before TPR had been signed.

I was not there for Sweet Pea’s birth. In fact, I have never met her birth mother. I would not change anything about being there for Little Bug’s birth and God carried me through those 81 hours I had to wait to know Little Bug was in fact my daughter.

Just like I will never forget how I felt seeing my firstborn enter this world, I will never forget when I realized what was going to happen with Sweet Pea.

I was going to lay eyes on her for the very first time and she was already going to be mine!

That thought alone kept me from being able to go to sleep last Tuesday and Wednesday night right after Sweet Pea’s birth. I would lay in bed imagining what that was going to be like and my heart literally felt like it was going to bust out of my chest from excitement!

My eyes would tear up and I would have to stop myself from even thinking about it because I knew I was jumping the gun in even entertaining these thoughts because Melody had not yet signed and I knew if I didn’t stop thinking about it I would never go to sleep.

But about 5 seconds after Emily’s text on Thursday at 12:31pm, my mind was consumed with the thought that I was about to meet my baby girl for the first time and she was already mine.

We arrived at the hospital and were lead to Sweet Pea’s bedside where Emily and two others from the agency were there waiting for us.

I rounded the corner and there she was.

DSCN0271My first glimpse at my baby girl.

She was already on the triple light therapy with her “sunglasses” on to protect her eyes. She was very jittery and I remember turning to Dave and saying, “She is already going through withdrawals.” I wanted to scoop her up right there and hold her but I just leaned in as far as I could and took in the sight of my glowing second born “sunbathing” on her lights.

While I know that isn’t how “normal” moms meet their babies after giving birth, that was one of the sweetest moments ever of my entire life.

I was looking at my baby and she was mine and, in that moment, that was all that mattered.

And then Dr. Marvelous made her first appearance and whispered to me, “Have you held her yet?”. When I told her I had not, she told the nurses, “She needs to hold her baby.”

Two minutes later, I was holding Sweet Pea for the first time.

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Even though I can’t go into specifics right now about certain things, it is amazing to me that everything I worried about concerning going through the adoption process again, God took care of.

One example is that I dreaded having to go through the 48 hour wait for TPR to be signed after holding and falling in love with a baby that wasn’t mine yet.

God spared me from having to go through that again.

He has blessed abundantly by giving me unique, special moments with both of my daughters in the hours and days after their births.

God is so good and so faithful.

perspective

I’m tired.

Tonight my thoughts keep going to people who have babies in the NICU for weeks at a time. I’ve just been living the NICU life for less than a week now and I’m drained (because I need a good nights sleep which I hope to get tonight).

Sometimes the easiest way to take your mind off your own sorrows is to focus on someone else’s.

Next to Sweet Pea is a 2lb baby girl that was born on May 27th (Little Bug’s birthday!) at 24 weeks gestation. She entered this world weighing only 1lb. 5oz. Her parents have been living NICU life for over two months now, and today they said they have about another month to go.

Two beds down from Sweet Pea is a baby boy who has been in the NICU for about two months and has about another three weeks to go. But when he is released he will soon be back for his first open heart surgery.

Yes, I hate seeing my baby going through what she is going through, but if I take my eyes off my own little area of the NICU, there are WAY worse situations going on all around me.

My child has not be diagnosed with anything that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. She’s had a rough entry into this world but ultimately, she is going to be absolutely fine given some time.

That really helps me keep my perspective…and it makes my heart go out to the parents that are sitting in the NICU one or two beds away and their child is dealing with issues that may be there for the duration of their child’s life.

And while it is hard to believe it has only been five days since that text from Emily that told us Melody had signed and Sweet Pea was ours, it has only been five days and most likely, within five more days we will all be home where we belong.

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Safe in Daddy’s hands

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Holding my TWO miracles for the first time!

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I am still in complete amazement that the girl who three years ago wondered if she would EVER become a mother, is now the mother of not one but TWO sweet girls through the miracle of adoption.

To God be the Glory!!

My life is about to change.

My life is about to change.

I will be the mother to two little girls. Just allowing myself to type that is a step of faith because I keep myself so guarded during the adoption process, that I don’t really even allow myself to think about what will be. I live in the present, taking one day at a time.

But on this morning, God woke me up (on my sleep in morning when I should be sleeping until Dave and Little Bug come in here to wake me up!) so I figured He must have something to tell me. So I grabbed my journal and started writing and this is what God laid on my heart:

To think of where I was just three years ago…we were starting infertility treatments, had just done our first IUI and August 4th, 2008 was blood test day.

There was so much HOPE that finally my dream was going to come true.

Finally, I would see those TWO pink lines, and the pain of all the months that had passed with no pregnancy suddenly wouldn’t matter as I looked at that pregnancy test and realized I was finally pregnant.

But August 4th came and we went to the clinic for my blood draw, came back home and began the wait until my cell phone would ring giving us news that our dream had come true.

That day we had planned to work on a project outside. We replaced all the wood mulch with red lava rocks in the front flower bed. I knew I needed a distractor as we waited for the phone to ring.

We had finished the project and we were inside when the phone call finally came.

I answered immediately shaking and holding my breath to hear the words my nurse, Holly, had to tell me.

I’m sorry, you are not pregnant, is NOT what I wanted to hear that day, but those are the words that came out of her mouth.

As soon as I hung up, I started crying. It wasn’t the trickle-of-tears-running-slowly-down-my-face kind of crying. It was uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs. Screams of why? and a feeling as though the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders.

One of the lowest points of my journey through infertility, for sure.

But GOD had a plan! Even as I sobbed uncontrollably and screamed at God asking why He couldn’t have just let it work, God had a plan.

In a way only God would orchestrate, He picked up the pieces of my broken heart that day and became my Strength as I pressed on to what was next.

God used August 4th and all the months that were still ahead and full of more disappointments and heartbreak to grow my faith in Him and teach me about His Plan being absolutely perfect and bigger and better than my wildest dreams.

Almost three years to the day of August 4th, 2008, I stand in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in and through my life.

If my life doesn’t proclaim the truth of Jeremiah 29:11, I don’t know what does.

If my life doesn’t proclaim that GOD IS FAITHFUL THROUGH IT ALL, I don’t know what does.

And so in these final days/weeks of our journey to #2, I press on, walking in faith.

God is Sovereign

Sometimes during my time with the Lord, I like to go back and read my journals.

Today I found something I wrote on April 28th, 2011 – a week after we learned that the woman working with Susan had decided not to place through her and about a week before I called Emily and figured out this woman had left Susan and called Emily!

Here is what I wrote:

God is sovereign.

That statement alone is the foundation of my complete trust in Him.

He created everything, He controls everything. And His Plans for my life are beautiful.

There was a day that I did not know of the work God was doing to bring me a little miracle.

Any day before April 9th, 2009, I did not know what God was going to do.

By my faith in God I was able to say things like…”God must have Something More” (in reference to all our failed infertility treatments), “I wait in great expectation of what God is going to do.” and “God is faithful still.”

And on April 9th, 2009, God started letting me in on His miracle and it WAS better than anything I had imagined.

As we now have really started our journey to #2, I am at that same place again …

Trusting God and expecting something better than my wildest dreams.

Because that is just how the God I serve works!

His ways are higher, His love is deeper.

And He is Sovereign.