It’s here again.

The anniversary of 3/8/09.

It’s a date that won’t ever go by without me remembering the events of that day.

It was the turning point of my journey through infertility.

It was the day that separated infertility treatments and adoption.

It was a devastating day for me.

It was the platform God used to perform a miracle …

The Miracle of Little Bug.

On that day, March 8, 2009, I didn’t know how I was going to make it past that day, but now, two years later, I look back on that day with thanksgiving in my heart.

If God had allowed that IVF cycle to produce more than just The Lone Ranger, or if God had prompted us to give IVF another try instead of turning in adoption paperwork a month and day later, I wouldn’t be the mother of this precious little girl.

God knows what He is doing! I will be the first to admit that I questioned God on that day. Nothing made sense on March 8, 2009. Nothing.

There were tons of people praying during that IVF cycle. We had already gone through three failed IUIs. Four months prior, I had undergone surgery to remove endometriosis. My doctor had given me high hopes of finally achieving a pregnancy with this IVF cycle.

And then everything that could possibly have gone wrong, went wrong! I left the doctor’s office a total mess, totally clueless what God was doing and with my head filled with a million and one Why? questions.

And then, just when things couldn’t get any worse God was asking me to lay my desire for pregnancy at His feet and pursue adoption immediately.

What? Are you crazy, God? Don’t you know this has been my desire since I was a little girl? Surely, you are not serious about this?!?!

Oh, He was serious alright. I knew there was not going to be another try at IVF.

I praise God that He didn’t make me wait long to find out just what He was up too.

Twelve weeks later, instead of staring at a tiny, flickering heartbeat on an ultrasound screen, I was staring at this:

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Staring at Little Bug’s tiny little face almost two years ago allowed me to see why I had to live 3/8/09.

Oh, God’s love for us is deeper and wider than our human minds will ever be able to fully comprehend!

I praise Him for this journey!

As I think about going through another adoption in the near future, I think back to the day that Little Bug was born.

There she was. The baby I had prayed for.

I had asked God to please put a baby in my womb, but He instead gave me Little Bug.

And she couldn’t have been more perfect or more beautiful than those first few moments of her life when I laid eyes on my daughter for the very first time.

Only thing was…she wasn’t my daughter…yet.

The picture you see below was taken when Little Bug was only 9 minutes old. That is my finger Little Bug has her tiny hand wrapped around. I was there during her first few minutes of life as the nurse worked on her a little bit.

The nurse did what she needed to do with Little Bug and then she swaddled her up and asked me, “Do you want to hold her?”

Of course I wanted to hold that precious baby that was promised to be my baby girl!

But I couldn’t. Not then.

Tracy and I had talked about this before delivery. Tracy would hold her first and then she would “pass her off to her mama”. (Tracy’s words.)

I am in no way saying that it shouldn’t have been this way. Tracy didn’t have to let me be there for Little Bug’s birth and she certainly didn’t have to even let me see her until TPR was signed days later.

But there I was. Witnessing it all.

I will forever be grateful to Tracy for giving me that gift.

At the same time, all of that was a loud and clear reminder to my heart that I was falling in love with a baby that wasn’t yet mine.

If Tracy decided to go through with her adoption plan, then Little Bug would be mine.

If Tracy chose to parent, I would have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on.

I remember holding Little Bug for the very first time like it was yesterday. It was actually 21 months and one day ago, to be exact.

After many failed infertility treatments, realizing my dream of pregnancy was dying and then being told by a lawyer that I could have a baby girl in two months, I held that tiny five pound baby, and for a moment in time, I just stared at her and was in awe that my baby girl was actually in my arms.

I realized in that moment the pain of everything I had been through to get to that place was totally worth it.

Then the nurses had to take Little Bug away for monitoring and I remembered…

She isn’t mine until TPR is signed.

We had no reason to believe that Tracy wouldn’t sign the TPR, but, you just never know. Nothing is ever a guarantee with adoption. (Nothing is ever a guarantee with life..except, of course, God’s faithfulness through it all!)

Things can change from day to day.

And this is what stops my heart when I think about going through another adoption in the future.

Adoption requires me to step out of my comfort zone and take a huge risk, trusting that God will take care of me and His faithfulness will abound, no matter what happens in the end.

The picture you see above is a picture I took of Little Bug on the evening of her birth day. Before delivery, Tracy had told me she wanted me to stay with her in the hospital. I thought that would be a little too much, but I wasn’t going to miss out on being with Little Bug throughout the night given the opportunity!

So when visiting hours were over, Dave left to go home and I stayed with Tracy and Little Bug in the hospital room. Tracy left at one point and it was just Little Bug and me.

For a split second, I could pretend that it was actually me that had given birth! Except my stomach was flat as a pancake and my husband was gone and country music was playing on the TV. (That wouldn’t have been my choice!)

But there I was, alone with Little Bug, country music piercing the quietness of a sterile hospital room. I wanted to push time forward and just know…Is this precious baby girl actually going to be my daughter when everything is said and done?

Later that night, my cell phone rang. Tracy was again gone from the hospital room and it was my lawyer on the other end of the phone.

Tracy had called her and asked the lawyer to call me and tell me that Tracy wanted me to go home for the night, instead of stay there.

At first I laughed that Tracy had called the lawyer to tell the lawyer to tell me this! (If you knew Tracy’s personality, you would laugh too. She doesn’t hesitate to speak her mind. I do appreciate the fact that Tracy cared about my feelings to the point where she was scared to ask me herself and instead had the lawyer do her “dirty work”. )

Wasn’t long, though, and I was in tears. All the fears that Tracy wouldn’t sign the TPR came flooding in that moment.

I couldn’t help but question in my mind:

Is she having second thoughts? Does she just want time with the baby? Is she just exhausted and needs some time to herself? Is she going to stay up all night and bond with the baby and then not be able to let go in the morning?

As Little Bug lay in that hospital bassinet, I had to tell her goodbye. I didn’t know if I would ever see her again, because you just never know what is really going on in an adoption process.

In faith, I leaned down into her little bassinet, gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her Mommy loved her and that I would see her tomorrow.

The floodgate opened wide as I spoke those words to her because I knew she wasn’t my baby girl, even though Tracy had made an adoption plan that included her signing her rights at 48 hours after birth and giving her to us to parent.

I walked out of the hospital room not knowing if I would ever lay eyes on that precious baby again. All I wanted to do was snuggle and hold her all night long and tend to her every need before she could even cry.

I love adoption but I hate the fact that for Little Bug’s first three days of life, I had to live in limbo not knowing if I would be her mother or not.

When I think about being in this place again in the future, I am scared.

I don’t want to go through all those emotions again!

I want to hold my baby in the first moments of his or her life and know that baby is completely mine. I don’t want to have to live in limbo for days and dance along the delicate line of allowing myself to fall in love with a baby and at the same time guard myself, just in case.

I want to love fully, completely, wholly from the moment I first lay eyes on “my” child.

Adoption does not allow that. Maybe some can do it, but my heart is always somewhat guarded until that baby is fully mine.

Just the way it is (for me, anyway).

When Dave and I find ourselves in this place again, I am going to have to rely on one thing.

When we are holding and loving another baby that is promised to be ours, but is not yet officially ours, I must remember that if that child is indeed the child God has planned from the beginning of time to be our second child, nothing, and I mean nothing, can disrupt God’s plan.

If that child is the one God intends to be ours, no obstacle along the way is too big for Him to overcome to make it so.

I can rest in that peace, knowing God’s got it all under control and His Plan will prevail…no matter what.

And in a way that only God can do, I can rest in peace knowing that God will take everything involved in another adoption process — the good, the bad, the ugly — and use it for good and for His Glory.

And really, that is what this is all about anyway.

It’s not about me, it’s not about another baby.

It’s not even about doing the delicate dance.

It’s about God and Him receiving glory through it all.

I have always questioned why God had us do that IVF cycle. The one that failed miserably because my ovaries only produced one egg. The cycle had to be cancelled and was converted to our fourth IUI.

Remember the Lone Ranger? Yep, I named that one little egg The Lone Ranger and we all prayed that God would intervene and still give us a miracle.

That month came and went with no pregnancy, just like the rest of them.

To this very day, I have always wondered why God wanted us to do that IVF cycle.

After all, in December of 2008, God opened our hearts to adoption. I have always wondered why He didn’t just want us to start the adoption process right then instead of “wasting” time doing that IVF cycle.

I was just now rewriting “Our Story” for my blog and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

When Tracy was pregnant with Little Bug, she first contacted the adoption agency in December of 2008.

It is interesting how that is the same exact time that God opened our hearts to adoption.

God very well could have had us contact the agency in December of 2008. We very well could have been matched with Tracy in December or January.

Tracy’s due date was June 14, 2009.

We would have had approximately 6 months to “deal with Tracy” and all the drama that comes with her.

God knew I couldn’t handle dealing with Tracy for 6 whole months!

So, he gave us a little distractor.

And that distractor was our March 2009 IVF cycle.

We went through that IVF cycle, which was by far the darkest days of my infertility journey.

Oh, those were painful days. I learned that I would mostly likely never conceive and have a biological child and at that point and time in my life, that news crushed me to my very core.

When we find ourselves in those places in life, it is so easy to question God.

God, why are you letting me experience this pain?

God, why don’t you take this from me and just allow me to be pregnant?

Please hear me on this one.

Even during your darkest hour, God has your best interest in mind.

On the day we learned that my ovaries had only produced one egg, God was moving in my heart already and I knew the time had come:

God wanted us to stop all infertility treatments and pursue adoption immediately.

There was a sense of urgency in my heart.

My mom and I worked non-stop to get our adoption family profile made.

April 7th, 2009, we were ready to turn our adoption paperwork in.

I walked into the agency, handed the paperwork in to the lawyer and learned the family that was supposed to adopt Little Bug, had backed out just that last week.

Tracy was very anxious to find another adoptive family for her baby.

She was two months away from her due date.

And so began the 48 days I had contact with Tracy before Little Bug’s birth. (Just one day shy of the amount of days I had contact with her recently as we thought we would adopt another baby born from her in July of 2011.)

God knew Little Bug was our daughter. He knew Tracy was going to place her with us. He knew of Tracy’s drama. And in His great mercy, He spared me from having to deal with her drama for six entire months before Little Bug’s birth.

Instead it was “only” 6 weeks and 6 days.

So many times, when we are going through a trial in life, it is so easy to assume God has forgotten us or is allowing us to experience pain because of something we did or said. We think God isn’t moving or at work in our lives and we feel we will be stuck in this trial forever.

Please see the truth here!

God is always protecting us, always loving us and He always has our best interest in mind. 

I never understood why the IVF cycle was a part of God’s plan for my life.

Almost two years later, I clearly see that IVF cycle was God’s way of protecting me from a long, long, long six months of drama.

If you find yourself in a situation that you are not sure why God has allowed you to be in this place, just wait. God is up to something.

And you better believe He has your best interest in mind.

During my trek down the road of infertility, I have certainly learned that the presence of God is a very real aspect of this journey. He has been my strength, my comfort, my joy and my peace through it all.

I have also realized another very real presence in my life during this journey.

And that is the presence of Satan.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

While God’s plan, from the start, was a marvelous plan that involved a barren womb and an open heart to the miracle of adoption, Satan has sought to steal, kill and destroy the glory God has received through my infertility from day one.

If you find yourself today still sorting through the muck of infertility (or any other trial in your life), please hear me on this:

Your battle is more than a deep pitted desire in the depths of your heart to see two pink lines on the pregnancy test.

If you are a child of God, the battle you find yourself in is between a God who loves you and has a marvelous plan for your life (in spite the circumstances you find yourself in today) and the Evil One of this world who wants to see infertility destroy you so that your God will seem like a fool.

I began to look at my own infertility in a completely different light when I realized that what Satan meant to use to destroy me, God had planned to use the same exact circumstances in my life to perform a miracle!

It’s all about perspective. God’s perspective.

Once I realized that my pain was an opportunity to allow God’s glory to shine through me, it totally changed my perspective on infertility.

Instead of my inability to conceive being on the forefront of my mind, my focus was shifted to waiting in great expectation for the way God was going to take these miserable circumstances and bring glory to His wonderful name.

Satan hated this. Absolutely hated it.

Satan wanted my focus to be on thoughts such as, “Why do I have to go through this? Why is it taking so long? Friend after friend, family member after family member have gotten pregnant, but here I am, still waiting!”

Satan knew if he could keep my focus on these things, he would successfully tear down my hope in the Lord and destroy my trust in God’s perfect plan for my life that actually did include infertility.

Don’t think for a minute that I sailed through those horrible days with a genuine smile on my face and a totally happy, joyful heart! Just go back and read the posts I wrote towards the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009. You will find posts where I was extremely angry that I was going through all that. You will find posts where I felt like all hope was lost.

But you will also find posts where God picked me up out of all the muck and spoke straight to my heart so that I would know there was a greater battle going on that went beyond my desire to be pregnant.

Satan wants to destroy you as you walk this road! Don’t let him! He wants your focus to stay on the depths of your despair.

Don’t allow it!

Choose this day to rise above it all in the power and strength that only God can give you.

Determine to put your perspective on this truth:

Your infertility isn’t just a battle between one line or two on the pregnancy tests. It’s a battle between God and Satan. Satan wants your infertility to wreak havoc on your life while God desires to use your infertility to do something in your life that only He can do so that the world can see Him at work in your life.

Let God do His thing and stand back in amazement at how our God can bring good from bad.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

And really, good isn’t a good enough word to describe what God desires to do.

God will do something in and through your life that the English language cannot adequately describe.

The word that best describes what God has done through my infertility is a miracle.

Actually, make that two miracles.

I am doing some major reorganization in this house. Going through closets and getting rid of stuff, making room for office stuff to go in the hall closet and hall closet stuff to go in our master closet.

I found some organizational bins today at Wal Mart for $5, put Little Bug to bed tonight and went on an organizational frenzy.

I love going through closets, drawers, cabinets and getting rid of stuff!

Call me crazy, but I love to see stuff leaving my house by the bag load. I hate clutter and I hate things sitting in my house for decades that never get used.

Funny story: Tonight at dinner my parents received a call from Vietnam Veterans asking if they had anything for pick up on Thursday morning. As my dad was saying no, I hollered, “Let me talk to them! I have a bunch of stuff sitting in the garage waiting to go!”

He handed me the phone and the lady switched gears and set up a pick up at my house instead on Thursday morning!

I also hit up my bathroom cabinets under the sink. As Dave put all the stuff that I had put in the overflowing trash can into a trash bag I said with excitement, “Look at that huge bag of trash that was just sitting in our bathroom cabinets! And now it is outta here!”

He just looked at me like I had lost my mind.

As I was rearranging items in our closet to make room for two storage bins I wanted to place in there, I found a small cardboard box in the very corner of the top shelf.

I knew what was in there as soon as I saw it.

It was the left over meds from our IUI and IVF cycles.

I do keep some stuff.

I remember way back when, gathering all the left over meds, needles and syringes and packing them neatly in that small box just in case one day we wanted to venture back into the world of infertility treatments.

I had seen that little box sitting there multiple times over the past year and a half and I was never really ready to get rid of it.

Until tonight.

I pulled it down from the top shelf, walked into the bathroom, sat on the floor and opened the box. Dave walked into the bathroom about that time and sat down next to me. I asked him to help me take my name off the labels.

We sat there, ripping my name and address to shreds and reminisced about that season of our life.

As Dave pulled out an unused package of needles he asked me, “Do you think you could still give yourself shots?”

I told him, “Yes, I think I could.”

One thing (and there are a million things) infertility taught me is that I can do anything I put my mind to…when I find my strength in the Lord.

We finished going through the box and as Dave left with the huge bag of trash, I realized something else.

Getting rid of the contents of that box tonight really does solidify in my mind that I have completely worked through the emotions of never being pregnant and my heart, mind and soul have completely let go of any inkling of hope that I will one day achieve a pregnancy.

It’s all in the past now.

And that is where it will stay. My heart is completely content and thrilled to be throwing all that stuff away tonight.

Yes, I will always be infertile. It is a title I will take with me to the grave, however, my infertility does not define me today.

Oh no, there is much beauty that has come from the ashes of my infertility.

Satan meant for my infertility to steal my joy, to kill and to destroy my spirit. But I stand firm in the Lord tonight, declaring to the world that I am more alive and free than I have ever been in my entire life.

Infertility did not destroy me!

It beat me down, that is for sure.

But I chose to put my faith in the Lord during my darkest hour and I am here to tell you that God is faithful.

I named my blog, God’s Faithfulness Through Infertility because I knew (in my head) when I started walking the road of infertility that God’s faithfulness would pull me through.

Now, I know that in my heart.

To GOD be the glory! Great things He has done.

And is doing.

Tomorrow is a special day for me.

Because of certain circumstances, the last time I saw Little Bug’s birth mother, I did not know it was the last time I would see her, so I really didn’t have the opportunity to tell her goodbye.

Tomorrow I will get to see the woman who carried my daughter for eight and a half months and gave birth to her. A woman I have not had any contact with since the day after Little Bug’s birth.

Forget the fact that we are meeting again to talk business about the growing baby in her womb–I am thrilled to have the opportunity to again see the woman who chose life for my daughter.

I know some reading this may not be able to understand my excitement in this.

Often times, birth mothers are viewed as someone who gives up their baby and then that is that. You never hear from them again. A new life with a new baby is begun. There is no contact between the birth families and the adoptive families.

In this day and age, open adoptions are becoming more the norm. I believe this can only be a good thing.

Every adoption situation is different. For some situations a semi-closed adoption (like ours) is the best. For other situations an open adoption is best. I know people in both kinds of adoptions and all are beautiful.

I’ve shared before I never want Little Bug’s adoption to be a secret. My goal is for her to never remember a time when she didn’t know she was adopted. In an age-appropriate manner, I hope to share with Little Bug as much, or as little, as she desires about the story that brought her to our family as our little girl.

It is my greatest desire that she will one day realize to the fullest extent the miraculous events that brought her to our family. I pray she will one day put all the pieces together to realize that her adoption story is one of grace and redemption. A story about a childless couple and a woman in crisis that God brought together to perform the beautiful miracle of Little Bug.

And so tomorrow I am thrilled for the opportunity to lay my eyes on this woman again. I have absolutely no idea what to expect tomorrow. I have no idea if she will want to know all about Little Bug or will want to just talk about the new baby or a mixture of both.

All I know is that God’s hand is at work again.

Tomorrow I begin a new relationship with Tracy. One that will only last again for a season.

I cannot go into details on this public blog, but I can ask you to please pray for Tracy over the next 6 months. I can ask you to pray that as we have contact with her once again for a season of time, that God would use us to minister to the heart of Tracy and to show her a God who loves her, despite it all.

The truth of it all is that all our lives are messy. Not one of us is without sin in our life. We all need Jesus.

It is my prayer that over the next 6 months, Tracy finds Him. Really finds Him and allows Him to change her course in life.

Because it is only at the feet of Jesus that she will find true peace, joy and hope in this life.

Pray with me, okay?

I can’t believe it is already November. This year has possibly gone by faster than any other year of my life. It does seen the older I get, the faster the years fly but this year beats all.

I did start this year out with a baby that lay in one spot on the floor and played with toys. And I am ending this year with a little girl who is daily saying more and more words and who never stays in one spot longer than five minutes.

Much has changed throughout this year. I have learned, as I have gotten older, that change really is the only constant in life.

While change and I usually aren’t the best of friends (because I like stability and predictability and change always has a way of swiping those out of the picture), I am extremely thankful for one change in my life – because it has literally changed my life forever.

I’m thankful for the endometriosis that has made me unable to conceive.

Because of my endometriosis my heart was opened to adoption. Without infertility, I highly doubt I would have given adoption the time of day and I would have missed out on one of the greatest miracles on earth.

Because of my endometriosis my heart has been filled with compassion for anyone going through what I went through. God has given me a platform to minister to people (mainly via my blog) in a way I would not have been able to before going through infertility myself.

Because of my endometriosis God taught me what Jeremiah 29:11 really means. Before infertility, I knew God had a plan for my life, but I didn’t know what that meant when God’s plan did not match mine. Jeremiah 29:11 means that, even when things don’t go according to the way I have planned them in my head, God’s way is always perfect and best. Still not being pregnant after 8 months of trying certainly wasn’t in my plan. Just like doing four IUI cycles and having them all fail and having surgery to remove endometriosis wasn’t in my plan. And being told IVF wouldn’t work for me either was the furthest thing from my mind. But God, in His Sovereignty, took all of that and wove it into the beautiful Miracle of Little Bug.

Because of my endometriosis I know how to get back up after a blow that knocks you to your knees and keep moving forward. With each failure, God taught me that I could not stay down for long because He was working His perfect plan in my life and He required me to keep going and to not throw in the towel of my faith or my trust in Him.

Because of my endometriosis I know I serve a faithful God. True to His word, His plans were better than anything I had imagined for myself. What could be better than Little Bug?

God used endometriosis to bring me Little Bug.

I am forever thankful for endometriosis.

Not sure if you read Mrs. Hammer’s blog. My heart breaks for her today.

Four and a half years of trying to have a baby while battling infertility. Four cycles of IVF. Three beautiful embryos were placed in her womb during her fourth, and final, chance at IVF. They were the best embryos they had ever had and they were so hoping this would be their miracle.

But today her beta came back as negative.

Man, why do people have to go through this?!?!

And then an even weirder, odder question is this:

Why didn’t I have the chance to go through that?

I know that calls for a little explanation.

You remember March 8th, 2009, I was told IVF wouldn’t even help me conceive. Truth be told, I’ve always been a little leery of that “diagnosis” because it wasn’t my RE who told me that – it was the other RE in the practice because my RE wasn’t on call that fateful day. Logic tells me that obviously the other RE knows what he’s talking about because he’s been doing this since before I was born. But my heart wants to cling to the hope that maybe, just maybe, he was wrong and my RE could figure out something that just might work to finagle around the obstacles the other RE says make conceiving through IVF very unlikely because he’s the best RE in the entire Universe.

And so, as the time approaches for us to start thinking (yes, thinking, not necessarily wanting…yet ) a second child, I can’t help but let my mind wander.

There are so many stories out there of women who had a poor response many times but, finally, after three, four, five tries, they got their miracle.

T’s blog is private, but her story is amazing. After many tries at IVF her last try was filled with miracle after miracle! It was her last try. She went it to it knowing if this failed, they had done everything possible to try to conceive. They prayed for a miracle as they had done with their previous cycles. She was a poor responder, but this final cycle, they had beautiful embryos transferred. More beautiful than they ever imagined. Beta day came and her beta was negative, however, against all odds, the clinic called her back several days later and told her there had been a mistake in her first beta and they needed to recheck her. Trying not to get her hopes up, she went in for another beta draw. And lo and behold, that beta came back indicating she was pregnant! Her numbers were extremely low, but with every beta draw after her second one, the numbers kept doubling and tripling. Around 5-6 weeks into the pregnancy she saw the most miraculous thing on the ultrasound screen: the tiny, healthy heartbeat of her precious baby!

So how does all this tie into me?

I honestly don’t know at this time.

I’m trying to figure it out myself as I seek the Lord about why He has me wondering about all this.

I guess, if I could have things my way (which I know full well may not be God’s way AND I know full well that I ultimately desire God’s Will because I know full well HIS WILL is best and perfect and better than anything I could ever wonder or dream about) I wish I could have a second try at IVF.

We didn’t give IVF another thought after our first cycle where I responded very poorly and we ended up converting to an IUI mid-cycle. The reason we didn’t give IVF another thought is so obvious now.

At the time, getting up from that examination table and walking away from it all just like that was nerve-wracking and it felt like I was just giving up prematurely.

But I knew I had to say no to another try because of one reason:

God was telling us to move to adoption because he wanted to give us Little Bug!

Obviously, what I am saying here is I do not, for a second, wish we had given IVF another try back in the Spring of 2009 because I would not ever trade my Little Bug for 10 biological children!

What I am saying is this: When I think of adding to our family, excitement pours into my soul because now, more than ever, I know God has another miraculous plan ahead for us in building our family and I am so excited to see where He takes us on our journey to #2. I am not naive to think the journey will be filled with only joy and no heartache and pain. Unfortunately, when you mix infertility and trying to add to your family, there is bound to be some pain and heartache along the way. But now, more than ever, I know God has a plan bigger and better than all the pain and heartache I will ever experience in my lifetime. I know that what is required of me on my journey to #2 is trusting God and patiently waiting for Him to reveal HIS PLAN. The waiting is bound to get hard (waiting is never easy!) but every day I will have a blue-eyed, blonde haired little reminder that His ways are perfect and His timing is impeccable.

So I guess, right now, my heart is just open. Open to whatever way God would choose to add to our family. I wouldn’t say any of this stems from a desire to experience pregnancy but it stems from a curiosity and wondering if what I was told on March 8th, 2009, is really what would have happened had we pursued another IVF cycle.

Which means all this will probably be just what it is today: my wonderings. Because I can’t see giving IVF another try simply because I am curious to see what the outcome would be. That is how I know this is not a “pregnancy desire” speaking. Sure, if I was told I could do an IVF cycle free of charge, I don’t think I’d have to think twice about jumping on that offer! But, we all know IVF isn’t free.

And so, I guess I will always just wonder. But I can live with that because I do believe if God wants to build our family by a biological child, He most certainly does not need IVF to do it.

My God (our God!) is just awesome like that.

I just read the story The Crippled Lamb by Max Lucado.

It’s the story of a little crippled lamb named Joshua who always felt left out among the other sheep. One day, when the shepherds decide to take the sheep to the next valley over where there is more grass to eat, Joshua is told that he cannot go because he is crippled and would slow down the rest of the sheep.

Instead, he is told to go to the stable.

While Joshua is in the stable sleeping he is woken up and finds a woman there with her baby lying in the manger. The baby is cold and crying. Joshua gets up and goes over to the mother and baby. He lies down close to the baby to keep him warm.

Soon, much to Joshua’s delight, he discovers he has been keeping a new King warm. The baby is Baby Jesus!

He also finally understands something.

Had he been like the other sheep, he would have been away in the other valley. But since he was different he had been in the stable and been one of the first to welcome Jesus into the world.

This story reminded me so much of myself.

Infertility makes you feel different and left out because friends and family all around you are getting pregnant and having babies with ease and you are not.

Infertility made me go somewhere different than all my friends and family.

Infertility lead me to adoption!

Had I been “out in the valley” I would not have experienced the miracle of adoption and become the mother of this beautiful child:

His Way is perfect.

Being a “cripple” and having infertility certainly isn’t a bad thing at all.

I have often contemplated closing this blog down for multiple reasons. I started the blog as a way to keep family and friends informed about our infertility treatments, but infertility treatment days for us are long gone. (Thank goodness.) I’ve wanted to close it down because there are some very not nice people out there and I want to protect the privacy of my family. And I’ve wanted to close it down at times because of the time it takes me to keep it going.

But I haven’t closed it down mainly for one reason and one reason alone.

Romans 28:8 declares that God makes good come from bad. The events that I have shared through this blog certainly are testimony of that truth. There has been much good that has come from my infertility.

One of those good things is that God continuously opens the door for me to minister to and encourage those of you who stumble across my blog while walking the same dark and painful road I walked several years ago.

I have received countless emails from readers whose hearts are breaking because of their infertility. They write telling me that something I wrote in my blog spoke to their heart at just the right time they needed to hear it.

How can I close something down that God is still using for good?

I’ve always just wanted my infertility journey to bring glory and honor to the Name of Jesus. It thrills my heart that God is still using my infertility to bring people to Him.

I also want to say there is no need to apologize for writing me an email and “taking up my time”! I love to hear from you! I love to see how God has used the words I’ve written (which I firmly believe HE puts in my heart to write) to minister to your hurting hearts. I never want to lose touch with those deep rooted feelings of pain, hurt and disappointment that I daily felt as I was waiting for God to reveal His Plan to me. Until the day I die, I pray God continues to take my infertility and use it for good.

So, keep your emails coming.

I am here for you.

Love,

Elaine

elaine@faithfullyinfertile.com