I am thankful for my broken reproductive system.

Well, here I am again during what is suppose to be my blogging break! I wanted to post this on Thanksgiving Day so here it is!

 

Today is Thanksgiving and this past week I’ve been doing a lot of thinking back on my infertility years. The people in the Bible did a lot of reflecting on the work the Lord had done for them in the past and that is exactly where I find myself today.

Who knew having a reproductive system that doesn’t work properly could be so beautiful?

In 2007, I certainly wouldn’t have thought this was so but standing here at the end of 2013, I am thankful.

I am thankful for my broken reproductive system.

Why?

Well, for starters, I wouldn’t have the relationship I have today with my Heavenly Father if it wasn’t for going through infertility.

Infertility stripped me of my identity. I grew up thinking I would get married and have babies and that didn’t happen. I went to college to be a teacher, but always in the back of my mind and always on the forefront of my heart was my desire to be a mother. And then I couldn’t get pregnant.

And I learned that my ability to have children does not make me who I am.

I am a Child of the King. And He had different plans for me. I found my identity in Christ.

There is something to be said about reaching a point in your life where nothing is going according to how you thought it would go and you are powerless to change anything about it.

You could say I was at the mercy of fate. But I know better.

I was standing in the fire (infertility being my fire) and I had to chose my faith in Jesus Christ or chose faith in my plan that I had been counting on for years.

Being in that spot where you are stripped of everything familiar and then you are powerless to change anything, makes you either turn to your faith in Jesus Christ or turn away from Him.

By God’s grace and mercy, I turned to Him. Everything I had learned as a child and teenager about God was put to the test.

Is God really good?

Does He really have good plans for my life?

Can He really take something as horrible as infertility and make good come from it?

Walking that road, and learning to trust God in a way I had never before trusted in Him, I learned the answer to every single one of those questions.

And the answer was, and still is, a resounding YES YES YES.

God IS good, He did and He does have good plans for my life and only He can take something as horrible as infertility and make good come from it.

My faith in Him was stretched to the limit, but His faithfulness was ever-present every single step of my journey.

When God gave me a poem four months before we even knew anything about Little Bug and the poem said we’d have a baby girl in May, and we did………..God’s faithfulness was there.

When we knew our time with infertility treatments had come to a close and God was telling us to adopt and then almost exactly a month later we were matched with Tracy…….God’s faithfulness was there.

When we turned in our paperwork to the adoption agency and then stood in the delivery room holding our firstborn child just 48 days later……..God’s faithfulness was there.

When God gave me the joy of announcing on Christmas Day 2010 that Baby #2 was on the way even though that baby was miscarried by Tracy, but little did we know, another woman – Melody – was pregnant with the baby that would become our second daughter……..God’s faithfulness was there.

When God prompted a friend of mine to tell me about an adoption situation her lawyer had and we decided to pursue it even though it turned out not to work out (or so we thought!!)…….God’s faithfulness was there.

When we contacted our adoption agency on May 2nd, 2011, to say we were ready to start the process for #2, and then were matched ten days later with the very same woman from the situation we had thought had not worked out……God’s faithfulness was there.

When Melody was taken away to a city 1.5 hours to deliver Sweet Pea and we worried about the logistics of a NICU stay in another city and being away from Little Bug but then God worked out every single detail right down to free accommodations the entire week Sweet Pea was in the NICU…….God’s faithfulness was there.

I reflect back on all that and I am thankful for my infertility. Without it, I wouldn’t have experienced God in the ways I have over the past six years.

And that would be tragic. Being barren is not tragic when you look at it outside your own point of view and instead see the work God desires to do through your barrenness.

Before 2007, I knew God was faithful, but right here right now in 2013 I know God is faithful in a way I didn’t know before I walked the road of infertility.

I’ve seen His hand perform miracle after miracle. I’ve seen him part the Red Seas of my life and make a way for me to be a mother and for two women to know their daughters would be well taken care of when all three of these situations seemed hopeless and motherhood for me was becoming a pipe dream.

The faithfulness of God is a thread that we can see woven throughout the entire Bible, from Genesis to Revelation. It starts when God made a promise to Abraham that He would make him into a great nation.(Genesis 12:2)

The interesting thing is this: Abraham’s wife, Sarah, was barren!!

How was Abraham suppose to be father of many great nations if his wife could not get pregnant???

Oh God had a plan. A plan that would show His hand at work as only He could do. A plan that would proclaim the mighty works of a God who is good, a God who has plans to prosper us and a God that can make something beautiful even out of something so painful and ugly as infertility.

The same God who made Abraham the father of many nations made me a mother in 2009 and 2011.

His faithfulness continues through all generations. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. (Hebrews 13:8)

This is something we can all be thankful for no matter where we find ourselves this Thanksgiving Day 2013. Because even if you find yourself right in the middle of your “fire” – whatever that may be – God’s faithfulness is there.

Look for it and I promise you, you will find it.

Another March 8th

As March rolls around every year, it takes me back to March 8th, 2009. I don’t think there will ever be a March where I don’t reflect on the day that totally changed the course of my life – forever.

I like to go back in the blog and read posts from that time. They certainly aren’t pleasant posts to read, but they tell a story of God’s faithfulness, that is for sure. Here’s something I wrote the day after on March 10th, 2009:

What can you do but pick up the pieces after a day like yesterday?

It’s no joke that the road of infertility is full of ups and downs. While yesterday was probably the lowest of the lows for us in our journey so far, I still found myself watching the clock and waiting for the day to end so a new one could begin.

I know a new day signifies a fresh outlook and while we never assumed the outcome of our first attempt at IVF would be this bad, we can only move forward from here and deal with the new set of circumstances that have been given to us.

I decided long ago that I am going to choose to set my mind on God and not my circumstances that seem to grow dimmer and dimmer with each passing treatment.

However, this blow knocked me down hard. Yesterday put me that much closer to the reality of having to accept that I may actually never be pregnant and give birth to a baby.

But yesterday also made me realize once again that I am not in control here and neither is my doctor. God is in control and yesterday did not take Him by surprise at all.

Now, more than ever, I must trust that God has a perfect plan that somehow involves the bleak circumstances of yesterday. If I don’t believe that simple truth, I literally have nothing.

As for now, we are converting this IVF cycle to an IUI. I will go in tomorrow at 8am for another ultrasound to monitor what this solo follicle hanging out in my left ovary is doing. I’m predicting (based on how the three IUIs before surgery went) that we will be ready for insemination towards the end of this week. Assuming, of course, that this one follicle doesn’t decide to take a leave of absence as well.

Honestly, I’m not allowing myself to think too much about this IUI and the possibilities that lie within. I justcan’t allow my mind to think that this could be it.

As far as our next step beyond an IUI goes … we are once again at a crossroad of decision-making and need your prayers as we make (another) big decision.

When not-so-great odds, a huge sum of money and a deep desire to be a mother are all thrown into making one decision, it makes for a very complex decision to be made.

I know without a shadow of doubt that the prayers of many faithful prayer warriors is what pulled me through yesterday. Thank you, from the bottom of my broken heart, for all the prayers, comments, emails, Facebook messages and phone calls.

I could never convey to you in words how much it means to me to know that I have an army of prayer warriors lifting me up to the Father on a consistent basis – especially on a day like yesterday when I literally just didn’t know what to pray.

We will probably never fully understand this side of heaven the complete impact your prayers have made.

But I am completely confident that one day we will all be able to look back on this entire journey and see a beautiful outcome that is far better and far greater than anything we can even imagine today.

I, for one, am looking forward to that glorious day!

It’s four years later and I am no where near that place I was four years ago on March 8th. These words I wrote then give God glory, today: Now, more than ever, I must trust that God has a perfect plan that somehow involves the bleak circumstances of yesterday. If I don’t believe that simple truth, I literally have nothing.

Oh, how true those words were and still are now! God did have a perfect plan that did involve the bleak circumstances of March 8, 2009. He was setting the stage to do His miracle. First the miracle of Little Bug and then, two years later, the miracle of Sweet Pea – all of which He had to orchestrate outside my womb.

But He also did another miracle.

I never in a million years thought I’d ever be at peace with never experiencing pregnancy and childbirth, but I am. I am totally at peace.

There was a time when even the thought of never experiencing it would send me into torrents of tears. I always held on to hope that one day it would still happen. Even after Little Bug’s birth, I still wished I could experience pregnancy.

I really cannot pinpoint the time when God changed my heart on this matter. It didn’t happen overnight; it happened gradually. When we started thinking about #2, we talked about trying for a pregnancy again, but we soon realized God had turned our hearts fully on adoption and I realized I didn’t need to experience pregnancy for my life to be complete. Carrying a baby in my womb and giving birth does not make me who I am.

God makes me who I am. I find my worth in Him because without Him, I am nothing and apart from Him, I can do nothing.

God wrote a different story for me. Yes, God created woman in the Garden of Eden and told her to “be fruitful and multiply”. My womb will never be fruitful, but my arms are lacking nothing.

I am thankful to be in this place, today, 48 months later.

reflections

I spent some time today going back in my blog and reading posts from February of last year – the month after everything happened with Tracy and the month before things started happening with Sweet Pea.

It was so interesting to me to read what I wrote in February because most of my posts centered around acknowledging that God is in control of our second adoption journey and the realization that I just needed to sit back and wait in great expectation for God to do another miracle.

I had no idea of knowing what God was going to start doing on March 8th when my friend Jennifer text me about an adoption situation, wondering if we would be interested.

During the months of waiting to see if we would be matched with this birth mother, the lessons God desired to teach me were all about the fact that GOD was in control of everything and nothing I did or didn’t do would change the outcome.

God had it all under control, even though at the time, there was a lot of waiting involved and a lot of uncertainty on my end.

It just amazes me how God prepares our hearts for what is to come. He planted these seeds in my heart in February knowing in March and until I had Sweet Pea in my arms in August, I would need to hang on knowing that God was in control.

If you have some time, go back and read my posts from February of last year. The words I wrote astound me because I had no idea what God was about to do.

When we find ourselves in a situation where we can’t see the big picture and we don’t have access to all the details, we must remember that God sees it all. He has planned it all. And not only that, He has something good in store, even if it looks like you’ve been deserted in left field.

He is there. Right beside you. And when the right time comes, He will start to reveal the big picture and you too will one day be able to look back on these days of only having just a fraction of the puzzle pieces and you will be able to see the big picture and know that God was in control of every single detail even when it seemed like everything was so uncertain.

It is strange to me that six months have already passed since Sweet Pea’s birth. On the day she turned 6 months old, around noon on that day, I remembered what happened at that exact moment. I believe it was actually a minute until noon and Emily called to tell me Sweet Pea had been born at 7:55am that morning.

The journey that had begun on March 8th – and, really, I guess you could say our official second adoption journey began on December 13, 2010, with Emily’s phone call that Tracy was pregnant – came to a close on August 4th when we jumped in the car and drove the 1.5 hours to go meet our second daughter after the TPR had been signed.

I guess reaching this point – 6 months after our second adoption in 2 years – makes me want to sit back and reflect upon the faithfulness of God through both of our adoptions.

It also takes me way back to September of 2008, the month I saw my first of countless negative pregnancy tests.

Those were my days of having only a fraction of the puzzle pieces. I couldn’t see the big picture which means there were many very hard days as I saw my dream slip away and I was powerless to do anything to change the circumstances I found myself in.

It sounds so cliché, I know, but God was in control. He had a beautiful journey laid out before me.

I am just standing in awe of all this today – and every day.

And thanking God, once again, that His plans were not mine.

Overwhelming Goodness

Another thing that really helps me keep things into perspective during this challenging time of two 2 and under is remembering the miracles God has performed in my life in just the span of two years!

I went from infertility treatments to mother-to-two in just two years! And all through the miracle of adoption.

Some people are on a waiting list to adopt for two years.

When I think about that I am overwhelmed in God’s goodness to bless me with Little Bug and Sweet Pea.

This is something I wrote the morning after meeting Sweet Pea, but I am just now getting around to publishing it.

Sleep must be overrated these days because you would think I would still be asleep right now considering how little of it I have had over the past 24 hours.

But, I am sitting here, with tears clouding my vision, marveling again at the goodness and faithfulness of our God.

I feel so unworthy of my blessings but then I remember none of this has ever been about just ME. It is ALL about GOD and Him receiving glory through me.

And God has received glory through the events that have been my life for the past four years.

It’s overwhelming to think of where I was on this journey as a newlywed just desiring to have a baby and to think about where God has brought me today.

God has certainly walked me through the fire and strengthened and grown my faith in Him in ways I never imagined possible. There is no limit to the kinds of miracles God can perform.

All He needed from me was my heart – my surrendered heart that truly said not my Will, Father, but Yours.

And then, He unleashed His richest blessings on me.

My precious daughters.

God’s Secret

Eight months ago today, it was Christmas Morning and I was about to burst from the secret I had been holding for twelve days.

On that morning I was going to make a “Pregnancy Announcement” that Tracy, Little Bug’s birth mother, was pregnant and she wanted us to adopt the baby.

The morning went off without a hitch and my parents, aunt, uncle and brother were completely surprised and elated that we would have a new family member come July 2011.

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Six weeks later, we learned there was no baby and we actually breathed a sigh of relief that we did not have to deal with Tracy’s drama for another six months!

How merciful of God to allow me to have those moments on Christmas Morning making a “Pregnancy Announcement” – a dream I have always had – knowing all along our 2nd baby would not be a baby from Tracy but instead would be our little Sweet Pea, who, at the time of this announcement, was only known by God Himself.

It wasn’t until three weeks after Christmas that Melody would find out she was expecting.

On Christmas Morning, I was holding a secret from my family and God was holding a secret from us all!

As I look back on our journey to #2, mercy abounds.

All of my fears going into a second adoption never became a reality.

My greatest fear? Dealing with another birth mother full of drama. I really didn’t know how I was going to be able to deal with birth mother drama on top of being the mother I want to be for Little Bug.

The drama during Little Bug’s adoption literally was all consuming. There was something happening nearly every single day of the 48 days between the time we were matched with Tracy and TPR was signed three days after Little Bug’s birth. The drama literally consumed my life.

This time there was very minimal drama and when there was drama it was NOT ever caused by Melody! Not once!

I’ve never even spoken to Melody. I am NOT saying this is a good thing at all. I would much prefer to have met the woman who courageously chose an adoption plan for her baby and chose ME to be her baby’s mother! (I hope one day when the circumstances are right all four of us can meet Melody.)

I am just saying that while I had constant contact with Tracy (and it was very stressful on me), I had no contact at all with Melody and she never once caused any unnecessary drama.

Another fear was being matched with a birth mother who was not very far along in her pregnancy. The closer the due date is from the day being matched, the less chance of having to deal with drama!

When we first learned of Melody (without knowing it was her) through the first lawyer we were working with (Susan), Melody was only 18 weeks pregnant!

In my opinion, that is pretty early to be matched with a birth mom! Then, when I called Emily to tell her we were ready to start our journey to #2 and she told me of Melody right away, Melody was only 26 weeks pregnant.

At that time though, we were under the impression that the baby was due on June 8th or July 8th – not far off when it is the beginning of May!

We didn’t find out that the baby actually wasn’t due till August 8th until the middle of June. And while, at the time, it was not fun to have to add four weeks to my countdown calendar, the months of June and July literally flew by and before I knew it, we were at the end of July.

Sweet Pea wasn’t actually born until August 2nd, but because of everything that happened with Melody first working with Susan and then leaving Susan and going to Emily, the wait for Sweet Pea to enter this world and officially become our daughter didn’t seem very long at all.

I guess I am just still astounded by how God orchestrated every single detail of this adoption, big and small. He truly was in control of everything. He carried me through a second adoption process and in His mercy, it was not very stressful as I had feared.

I look at my two little girls and I can just hardly believe that I am their mother.

August 2007, exactly four years ago, marks the start of this journey. It simply amazes me that, even then, God knew this was where He was taking me!

It wasn’t without lots of tears, lots of emotional turmoil and lots of disappointments, but God had a plan all along as He promised me in His Word. (Jeremiah 29:11)

It was certainly perfect, it has prospered me, it has brought me hope and it’s definitely brought me a future!

This was HIS PLAN:

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Today, if you find yourself in the place I found myself in four years ago, choose to trust in and believe the promise of God found in Jeremiah 29:11,

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

when I first laid eyes on you

Another day in the NICU.

Sweet Pea is sleeping, Dave has gone to Panera to use their internet to work and it’s just Sweet Pea and me in the NICU.

As I look at her sweet face I think, This is the baby that my friend Jennifer text me about on March 8th!! This is the baby that I started praying for not knowing if she was my child, or not. This is the baby that Emily told me about on May 2nd, three months to the day before Sweet Pea was born.

And this is the baby that I first laid eyes on not even a week ago now and she was already completely mine.

I can hardly begin to describe what that was like.

I have mentioned before that Little Bug and Sweet Pea’s adoptions have been totally different. I can’t go into great detail about all that at this time but I will say that being there for Little Bug’s birth was a moment in my lifetime that I will never forget.

Seeing her enter this world, especially after all I had just been through with infertility was like I was reborn myself. Her birth signaled a new beginning for me.

The beginning of motherhood.

As euphoric as those moments were surrounding Little Bug’s birth, I can hardly begin to describe what it felt like to hold a baby not knowing if she was really going to be mine or not.

09815 - 100_4641Holding Little Bug on the night of her birth before TPR had been signed.

I was not there for Sweet Pea’s birth. In fact, I have never met her birth mother. I would not change anything about being there for Little Bug’s birth and God carried me through those 81 hours I had to wait to know Little Bug was in fact my daughter.

Just like I will never forget how I felt seeing my firstborn enter this world, I will never forget when I realized what was going to happen with Sweet Pea.

I was going to lay eyes on her for the very first time and she was already going to be mine!

That thought alone kept me from being able to go to sleep last Tuesday and Wednesday night right after Sweet Pea’s birth. I would lay in bed imagining what that was going to be like and my heart literally felt like it was going to bust out of my chest from excitement!

My eyes would tear up and I would have to stop myself from even thinking about it because I knew I was jumping the gun in even entertaining these thoughts because Melody had not yet signed and I knew if I didn’t stop thinking about it I would never go to sleep.

But about 5 seconds after Emily’s text on Thursday at 12:31pm, my mind was consumed with the thought that I was about to meet my baby girl for the first time and she was already mine.

We arrived at the hospital and were lead to Sweet Pea’s bedside where Emily and two others from the agency were there waiting for us.

I rounded the corner and there she was.

DSCN0271My first glimpse at my baby girl.

She was already on the triple light therapy with her “sunglasses” on to protect her eyes. She was very jittery and I remember turning to Dave and saying, “She is already going through withdrawals.” I wanted to scoop her up right there and hold her but I just leaned in as far as I could and took in the sight of my glowing second born “sunbathing” on her lights.

While I know that isn’t how “normal” moms meet their babies after giving birth, that was one of the sweetest moments ever of my entire life.

I was looking at my baby and she was mine and, in that moment, that was all that mattered.

And then Dr. Marvelous made her first appearance and whispered to me, “Have you held her yet?”. When I told her I had not, she told the nurses, “She needs to hold her baby.”

Two minutes later, I was holding Sweet Pea for the first time.

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Even though I can’t go into specifics right now about certain things, it is amazing to me that everything I worried about concerning going through the adoption process again, God took care of.

One example is that I dreaded having to go through the 48 hour wait for TPR to be signed after holding and falling in love with a baby that wasn’t mine yet.

God spared me from having to go through that again.

He has blessed abundantly by giving me unique, special moments with both of my daughters in the hours and days after their births.

God is so good and so faithful.

perspective

I’m tired.

Tonight my thoughts keep going to people who have babies in the NICU for weeks at a time. I’ve just been living the NICU life for less than a week now and I’m drained (because I need a good nights sleep which I hope to get tonight).

Sometimes the easiest way to take your mind off your own sorrows is to focus on someone else’s.

Next to Sweet Pea is a 2lb baby girl that was born on May 27th (Little Bug’s birthday!) at 24 weeks gestation. She entered this world weighing only 1lb. 5oz. Her parents have been living NICU life for over two months now, and today they said they have about another month to go.

Two beds down from Sweet Pea is a baby boy who has been in the NICU for about two months and has about another three weeks to go. But when he is released he will soon be back for his first open heart surgery.

Yes, I hate seeing my baby going through what she is going through, but if I take my eyes off my own little area of the NICU, there are WAY worse situations going on all around me.

My child has not be diagnosed with anything that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. She’s had a rough entry into this world but ultimately, she is going to be absolutely fine given some time.

That really helps me keep my perspective…and it makes my heart go out to the parents that are sitting in the NICU one or two beds away and their child is dealing with issues that may be there for the duration of their child’s life.

And while it is hard to believe it has only been five days since that text from Emily that told us Melody had signed and Sweet Pea was ours, it has only been five days and most likely, within five more days we will all be home where we belong.

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Safe in Daddy’s hands

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Holding my TWO miracles for the first time!

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I am still in complete amazement that the girl who three years ago wondered if she would EVER become a mother, is now the mother of not one but TWO sweet girls through the miracle of adoption.

To God be the Glory!!

VICTORY!

SHE IS OURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am about to lay eyes on my daughter for the very first time.

And she is already mine.

Do you know where I was three years ago today?

Crying torrents of tears after getting word that my first IUI had failed and I was not pregnant.

God has certainly taken my tears and turned them to tears of JOY.

Two miracles in two years.

Give it to God and this is what He does.

God is faithful!

God is in control!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

My life is about to change.

My life is about to change.

I will be the mother to two little girls. Just allowing myself to type that is a step of faith because I keep myself so guarded during the adoption process, that I don’t really even allow myself to think about what will be. I live in the present, taking one day at a time.

But on this morning, God woke me up (on my sleep in morning when I should be sleeping until Dave and Little Bug come in here to wake me up!) so I figured He must have something to tell me. So I grabbed my journal and started writing and this is what God laid on my heart:

To think of where I was just three years ago…we were starting infertility treatments, had just done our first IUI and August 4th, 2008 was blood test day.

There was so much HOPE that finally my dream was going to come true.

Finally, I would see those TWO pink lines, and the pain of all the months that had passed with no pregnancy suddenly wouldn’t matter as I looked at that pregnancy test and realized I was finally pregnant.

But August 4th came and we went to the clinic for my blood draw, came back home and began the wait until my cell phone would ring giving us news that our dream had come true.

That day we had planned to work on a project outside. We replaced all the wood mulch with red lava rocks in the front flower bed. I knew I needed a distractor as we waited for the phone to ring.

We had finished the project and we were inside when the phone call finally came.

I answered immediately shaking and holding my breath to hear the words my nurse, Holly, had to tell me.

I’m sorry, you are not pregnant, is NOT what I wanted to hear that day, but those are the words that came out of her mouth.

As soon as I hung up, I started crying. It wasn’t the trickle-of-tears-running-slowly-down-my-face kind of crying. It was uncontrollable, gut-wrenching sobs. Screams of why? and a feeling as though the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders.

One of the lowest points of my journey through infertility, for sure.

But GOD had a plan! Even as I sobbed uncontrollably and screamed at God asking why He couldn’t have just let it work, God had a plan.

In a way only God would orchestrate, He picked up the pieces of my broken heart that day and became my Strength as I pressed on to what was next.

God used August 4th and all the months that were still ahead and full of more disappointments and heartbreak to grow my faith in Him and teach me about His Plan being absolutely perfect and bigger and better than my wildest dreams.

Almost three years to the day of August 4th, 2008, I stand in complete awe and amazement at what God has done in and through my life.

If my life doesn’t proclaim the truth of Jeremiah 29:11, I don’t know what does.

If my life doesn’t proclaim that GOD IS FAITHFUL THROUGH IT ALL, I don’t know what does.

And so in these final days/weeks of our journey to #2, I press on, walking in faith.

more on the drama

I hate not being able to tell specifics. I really do.

The adoption plan is still in place at this time, however, there are some things that have happened that have complicated things for everyone involved.

And our lawyer told us to pray that God would bind “X” from happening, which could complicate things even further.

All of this, of course, leaves me feeling on edge.

I see the ticker up there and I see it says only 25 days and I just pray God allows this baby to come as soon as possible, although I know she will come on the appointed day God has chosen for her birth.

However, Melody is ready, we are ready and with these complications, it would just be a merciful act of God to allow Sweet Pea to go ahead and be born.

But the fact of the matter is God is still in control. And I am not.

And tonight, that is what is on the forefront of my mind.

It is almost as if God is reminding me of all that He has already done to place this baby with us and He is now asking me if I am going to continue to trust in Him to complete His work or if I am going to stupidly try to regain control and sit and worry for the next 25ish days.

I am going to trust God.

And let me tell you, even after all that God has already done in my life, it is a struggle to relinquish control and just rest in the knowledge that GOD IS IN CONTROL, not me.

But I know it is a choice that I have to make.

Am I going to worry or am I going to trust?

And I really feel like God has brought me to this place so that I can bypass the frazzled worry stage I usually put myself through before I finally surrender and just let God do His work in my life.

Tonight I am going to trust first.

Because I know God’s got this.

I know God is faithful.

I know He has a plan that will prosper me and bring me hope and a future.

And you know what?

I’m glad these complications are in the Hands of the One who created the universe, hung the stars in the sky and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

He can handle this.

Because nothing is too great for Him.

I feel your prayers and I know the prayers of many are a huge part of the peace I feel tonight.

Thank you.