be merciful to people

Things have been rough for Sarge over the past few days. There have been weaning from the morphine issues as well as feeding issues. I think the feeding issues have been sorted out and please just pray for his little body as he is weaned from the morphine. We think he was weaned too quickly over a short period of time and we are seeing the affects of that now.

It is heartbreaking to see an innocent baby go through this.

God has taught me so much after going through what I’ve gone through this year. I will be writing posts about what He has taught me for a long time to come.

Probably one of the biggest lessons I have learned is to be merciful to people because you just don’t know what they are going through.

This life is hard. So many people are living in crisis mode and we don’t even realize it. Be kind to people because you just don’t know what they are going through.

There is so much sadness here at the hospital. I witnessed a family walk in with tear stained faces. A couple, a set of parents and a toddler. I have no idea what was going on but they all hugged each other and then the grandparents took off with the toddler in one direction and the young couple headed off in another direction.

And then another day as we were pulling out of the parking garage, I noticed a woman sitting on a bench outside the parking garage, tears just streaming down her face.

It was such a reminder to me that there is so much sadness, heartache and pain in this world!

I don’t know exactly what was going on with those people but I am aware of many friends going through some very tough circumstances right now:

-a friend’s baby battling cancer and going this week for scans.

-a friend’s health. She is dealing with something very scary.

-a friend whose heart is broken over a girl who is her daughter, but not officially.

-another friend’s heath. She is dealing with debilitating migraines.

-a friend’s mother diagnosed with cancer.

-a friend who has been going through mold battles with her home for over a year now.

-a friend whose son has had a fever daily for 12 weeks and doctor’s have not been able to figure out why yet.

I am sure there are more I could list.

No, life isn’t all tragedy but the fact of the matter is, if we live long enough, tragedy will touch our lives at some point. I cannot imagine going through what we are going through right now without the knowledge that GOD, the creator of the universe and the One who created little Sarge in the depths of his birth mother’s womb, is fighting for us.

If He is Lord of your life, when these tragedies strike, you can find peace in the midst of the storms. Because He has promised His love will endure forever, He has promised He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us and He has promised that His plans will prevail over all.

Things may not go as we planned or even wished for them to go, but we can rest in peace in the Sovereignty of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Another March 8th

As March rolls around every year, it takes me back to March 8th, 2009. I don’t think there will ever be a March where I don’t reflect on the day that totally changed the course of my life – forever.

I like to go back in the blog and read posts from that time. They certainly aren’t pleasant posts to read, but they tell a story of God’s faithfulness, that is for sure. Here’s something I wrote the day after on March 10th, 2009:

What can you do but pick up the pieces after a day like yesterday?

It’s no joke that the road of infertility is full of ups and downs. While yesterday was probably the lowest of the lows for us in our journey so far, I still found myself watching the clock and waiting for the day to end so a new one could begin.

I know a new day signifies a fresh outlook and while we never assumed the outcome of our first attempt at IVF would be this bad, we can only move forward from here and deal with the new set of circumstances that have been given to us.

I decided long ago that I am going to choose to set my mind on God and not my circumstances that seem to grow dimmer and dimmer with each passing treatment.

However, this blow knocked me down hard. Yesterday put me that much closer to the reality of having to accept that I may actually never be pregnant and give birth to a baby.

But yesterday also made me realize once again that I am not in control here and neither is my doctor. God is in control and yesterday did not take Him by surprise at all.

Now, more than ever, I must trust that God has a perfect plan that somehow involves the bleak circumstances of yesterday. If I don’t believe that simple truth, I literally have nothing.

As for now, we are converting this IVF cycle to an IUI. I will go in tomorrow at 8am for another ultrasound to monitor what this solo follicle hanging out in my left ovary is doing. I’m predicting (based on how the three IUIs before surgery went) that we will be ready for insemination towards the end of this week. Assuming, of course, that this one follicle doesn’t decide to take a leave of absence as well.

Honestly, I’m not allowing myself to think too much about this IUI and the possibilities that lie within. I justcan’t allow my mind to think that this could be it.

As far as our next step beyond an IUI goes … we are once again at a crossroad of decision-making and need your prayers as we make (another) big decision.

When not-so-great odds, a huge sum of money and a deep desire to be a mother are all thrown into making one decision, it makes for a very complex decision to be made.

I know without a shadow of doubt that the prayers of many faithful prayer warriors is what pulled me through yesterday. Thank you, from the bottom of my broken heart, for all the prayers, comments, emails, Facebook messages and phone calls.

I could never convey to you in words how much it means to me to know that I have an army of prayer warriors lifting me up to the Father on a consistent basis – especially on a day like yesterday when I literally just didn’t know what to pray.

We will probably never fully understand this side of heaven the complete impact your prayers have made.

But I am completely confident that one day we will all be able to look back on this entire journey and see a beautiful outcome that is far better and far greater than anything we can even imagine today.

I, for one, am looking forward to that glorious day!

It’s four years later and I am no where near that place I was four years ago on March 8th. These words I wrote then give God glory, today: Now, more than ever, I must trust that God has a perfect plan that somehow involves the bleak circumstances of yesterday. If I don’t believe that simple truth, I literally have nothing.

Oh, how true those words were and still are now! God did have a perfect plan that did involve the bleak circumstances of March 8, 2009. He was setting the stage to do His miracle. First the miracle of Little Bug and then, two years later, the miracle of Sweet Pea – all of which He had to orchestrate outside my womb.

But He also did another miracle.

I never in a million years thought I’d ever be at peace with never experiencing pregnancy and childbirth, but I am. I am totally at peace.

There was a time when even the thought of never experiencing it would send me into torrents of tears. I always held on to hope that one day it would still happen. Even after Little Bug’s birth, I still wished I could experience pregnancy.

I really cannot pinpoint the time when God changed my heart on this matter. It didn’t happen overnight; it happened gradually. When we started thinking about #2, we talked about trying for a pregnancy again, but we soon realized God had turned our hearts fully on adoption and I realized I didn’t need to experience pregnancy for my life to be complete. Carrying a baby in my womb and giving birth does not make me who I am.

God makes me who I am. I find my worth in Him because without Him, I am nothing and apart from Him, I can do nothing.

God wrote a different story for me. Yes, God created woman in the Garden of Eden and told her to “be fruitful and multiply”. My womb will never be fruitful, but my arms are lacking nothing.

I am thankful to be in this place, today, 48 months later.

And that is perfectly okay.

Yesterday I went somewhere I hadn’t gone in over 3 years.

To see Dr. L (my RE). I’ve been experiencing pain that I thought was from endometriosis but seeing as how blood was found in my urine sample, it looks like I might have a UTI. I’m on an antibiotic now and I’m to call back if the pain continues. I wasn’t expecting to find the UTI and it was such a relief to know that could be the cause of my pain.

Something else I wasn’t expecting was the avalanche of emotions that came over me just by being there.

I walked in and surveyed the waiting room and wondered what each woman’s story was. It immediately took me back in time about four years when I sat in that waiting room while undergoing our four IUI cycles and our IVF cycle.

I started to get very nervous sitting there waiting. I am not really sure why. I buried myself in my Google Reader and pushed the emotions that were creeping in away.

But then, when I was taken back to the examination room and found myself siting on the examination table with the paper covering over my lower half and the ultrasound screen staring back at me, tears started streaming down my face as I sat there in the complete silence. The radio wasn’t even playing. I hadn’t really thought about all I went through there in a long time because all that is in my past now, but I really had no idea why I was so overcome with emotion.

I was just trying to compose myself before my doctor walked in.

After I left and had time to process those emotions I figured out that the tears were certainly not because I desire to be pregnant. It wasn’t because I feel I’m missing anything in this life because I never achieved a pregnancy.

I think it was more of a wondering – a wondering that has been there since March 8th, 2009.

There is no doubt in my mind that on that day God set our hearts on the road to adoption. It was abundantly clear that God was telling us to STOP treatments and fill out adoption paperwork.

But always in the back of my mind I’ve wondered… What if we tried IVF again? I guess it seems crazy to me that that wouldn’t have eventually worked. I was told I’d have at most 1-3 follicles and my odds weren’t the greatest. I knew God was leading us to adoption so I didn’t really question anything that day.

I just walked away – and never really looked back.

Until yesterday.

I had no reason to look back until then. There is no doubt in my mind that God took us away from there to bless us with Little Bug and Sweet Pea.

But yesterday I couldn’t help but wonder…

What if I were to make an appointment with Dr. L as if it was the very first time I was seeing him. Would anything be different? Has medicine changed so much in three years that there would be some protocol that WOULD give me a chance at achieving pregnancy? Has Dr. L’s knowledge increased enough in three years that he would know just the thing I need? Am I crazy for even wondering this? [Probably.]

I also know that while medicine may have advanced over the past three years, my ovaries and eggs are still the same. And I am three years older, but I am not “old”.

I will probably go to my grave “wondering”.

And that is perfectly okay.

monkey wrench in my best laid out plans

An upcoming birthday (Sweet Pea will be 1 two weeks from today!) always takes me back in time to the days and weeks spent waiting for our adoption journey to come to an end with the birth of the baby.

As Sweet Pea’s due date got closer and closer, I began making plans for how I was going to juggle a 2 year old at home and a newborn in the NICU.

I was fully prepared for a longer NICU stay with Sweet Pea because she had been exposed to methadone for six of her nine months in the womb whereas her sister was exposed to methadone for only about 6 weeks.

I had devised a plan with my mom so that she would be at the NICU most mornings with Sweet Pea while I would be spending the morning with Little Bug. Then I would lay Little Bug down for a nap and my mom would come stay with her while I went to the NICU to be with Sweet Pea. Then I would be back at some point after naptime and go back to the NICU in the evenings once Little Bug was in bed. Although that last part of my plan didn’t fly over well with my family because the hospital is located in a very bad area of town and it would not be safe for me to go up there alone at night. But that is besides the point, now.

I knew it would be a crazy life, but I also knew it wouldn’t last forever.

And then the monkey of all monkey wrenches was thrown into my best laid out plans.

Just a few weeks before her due date, Melody was moved 1.5 hours away from our city!

Now, I was faced with the fact that I was going to have two babies 1.5 hours apart from each other and, before Sweet Pea was even born, I already felt torn between my two babies. Also, my mind was overloaded with where we would stay, how much money it was going to cost us and how would we “do this” for weeks and possibly a month or more??

But, you know what?

God worked out every single detail, big and small, regarding the fact Sweet Pea was going to be born and stay in a NICU 1.5 hours away from our home.

I will never forget a Sunday morning sitting in our small group at church. We were sharing the predicament we were in with our friends in our class. My friend, Katie, looked me square in the eyes and said, “Do not worry, Elaine. I have friends in [the city Sweet Pea was born in]. God is going to provide a place for you to stay.”

Those first three words were exactly what I needed to hear.

Oh, how quick I am to just immediately worry!!!

It wasn’t but probably a day or two later and Katie called me saying her friend would be more than happy for us to stay in her extra bedroom in her house!

We spent the first four nights of our stay at her house. It was such a tremendous blessing to not have to pay a hotel bill on top of all the expenses that come along with adoption.

My parents took over Little Bug’s care as soon as TPR was signed and we hit the road. I knew this was going to be the longest I had ever been away from my firstborn, but I also knew she was in very capable hands and would be very well taken care of. Little Bug didn’t miss a beat with my parents and for basically a week straight, they were Little Bug’s primary caregiver.

We arrived at the NICU on August 4th, which was a Thursday. We planned to stay through the weekend and then go back home because Dave would need to get back to work and then I would have to figure out what I was going to do.

The day after we got there my mom called me and couldn’t stand it any longer – she said they were just dying to meet Sweet Pea. She asked if they (my dad, my mom and Little Bug) could make a day trip and come meet Sweet Pea the next day. I said yes and was thrilled they were coming. I wanted my Mama and baby girl and was elated I would get to see Little Bug after just barely 24 hours.

As my parents were about to arrive, I received a text from my brother saying he was on his way to the hospital. He was doing a summer internship in a city about 2 hours from where we were and he had decided to drive over to meet his new niece! I kept it a secret that he was on his way too and we ended up surprising my mom. It was so special for my family to meet Sweet Pea together in the NICU. The nurses allowed us to break the rules so that I could bring my parents, my brother and Little Bug back to meet Sweet Pea at the same time!

During that time, we were also looking into possibly getting Sweet Pea transferred to the NICU in our city, but then we got the very surprising and unexpected news that there was a very real possibility that Sweet Pea would be discharged on Monday, at less than a week old!

Dave and I stayed through the weekend and woke up Monday morning hoping for good news when we arrived at the hospital. Instead, we got a phone call from Sweet Pea’s incredibly awesome doctor who we just absolutely adored who told us some discouraging news. Sweet Pea had had a rough night and she felt to discharge her that morning would be too soon and she really wanted to keep her a few more days.

Meanwhile, back at home, through a connection at church yet again, my mom had been told that our entire family could stay at the home of this family who lived near the hospital and was going out of town and had opened up their home for us to use for the week!

My mom and dad packed up and came back bringing Little Bug. We all stayed together in this house that was generously given to us by a family we didn’t even know! Dave and I had the master bedroom, my parents had the son’s room and we set Little Bug’s pack n play up in the office. For the next few days we camped out at the NICU. I had such sweet memories of sitting by Little Bug’s side in the NICU with my mom and I wanted those memories with Sweet Pea too. God gave us that those two days my family was there.

Dave’s work was incredibly understand and supportive of our adoption. Dave was allowed to log in at a Panera for 3 hours each day to take care of some things and call that a day’s work! Such a blessing in many ways. He was able to stay with me the entire time Sweet Pea was in the NICU and he actually needed an “excuse” to leave the hospital for some time each day so going to “work” was it. I would have slept by Sweet Pea’s bedside given the opportunity but Dave got antsy just sitting there all day and needed to get out and see the light of day. So he would go to “work” and I kept my vigil at Sweet Pea’s bedside. Such a tremendous blessing to have my husband there the entire time but for him to not have to take more days off from work.

My parents left to go back home on Tuesday (or maybe it was Wednesday). I remember feeling so sad when they pulled away and tears streaming down my face. I didn’t want my Mama and my girl to be leaving me. But I put my focus on where I needed to be – and that was by my youngest baby’s bedside so that she could improve and come home where she belonged.

I didn’t have to wait long to see my Little Bug again! Thursday, Sweet Pea was discharged and we made the 1.5 hour drive home with our newest bundle of joy. Oh that was a happy day.

Nine days in the NICU was all it took and Sweet Pea was ready to come home!!!

God had spared us from a long NICU stay, God provided not one, but TWO places for us to stay free of charge the 7 days we were there, God provided a very special doctor to care for Sweet Pea, God allowed Dave to stay with me the entire time, God allowed a time that could have been very unsettling for Little Bug to be a time of happiness and joy for her and…God taught me another invaluable lesson.

He’s got it all under control!!!!

As I sat worried, He knew just how He was going to provide for our EVERY need that week.

I love sitting back and thinking about that time and all God did for us in the days surrounding Sweet Pea’s birth and NICU stay.

This radically changed my life

Today is April 20th, 2012. I’ve always liked the date April 20th. No real reason, really. I know that is odd, but…I like this date. I always thought it would be cool for my first child to be born on April 20th.

Last year, on April 20th, we had been waiting for six weeks for our profile to be shown to the woman expecting a baby in June. For six weeks we had waited to hear that Susan, the lawyer, was finally going to be showing the woman the collection of 3-4 family profiles she had for her to choose from. During those six weeks I had formed a strange sort of friendship with Rebecca, who was one of the 3-4 families waiting to hear if she had been chosen by this woman to parent her baby, or not.

April 20th was finally the day we had both been anxiously waiting for. Would she pick me? Would she pick Rebecca’s family? Or some other family?

Ended up, she picked no family because she decided she didn’t want to work with Susan anymore.

I remember like yesterday Susan telling me over the phone, “I don’t expect to ever hear from her again.”

And just like that, I assumed that this just wasn’t the baby God had for us.

If you’ve been reading here for more than a year now, you know that baby was our baby – our Sweet Pea – and just 22 days later on May 12th, through circumstances that were beyond our control, we were officially matched with this woman named Melody who three months later gave birth to Sweet Pea.

What’s the point of this post? Well, I have several friends who are in the waiting stage right now. Exactly where I was one year ago today.

Waiting to be matched. Waiting to be chosen.

I clearly remember my thinking through that whole process and how God radically changed my perspectives on waiting and clearly taught me that He is in control.

I had thoughts such as Well, if this woman has dark hair/dark eyes, she will probably pick Rebecca’s family. But if she is light hair/blue eyes, she will probably pick my family. When making our family profile to be presented to this woman, I remember second-guessing what I had included in there wondering if it would give us less of a chance of being chosen.

And then, like light pierces darkness and totally and completely changes things and reveals the unseen, God began a work in my heart.

That work was to teach me a profound truth about Himself. The truth that He is in control.

I began to clearly see and understand that if this baby was the baby God had to join our family nothing would keep Him from placing this baby with us. Absolutely nothing.

There really was nothing to worry about!!!

There was such freedom in that truth. I didn’t have to sit and think and contemplate what our chances were of being chosen. If this was our baby, we would be chosen. Plain and simple.

Except, we were not chosen, but that was our baby!

God spoke that truth into my heart that He is in control, but then He went a step further and played out that truth in my life through the circumstances that brought Sweet Pea into our life.

As long as I live I will never ever forget the moment in time when I realized that I was sitting, once again, in the midst of another of God’s miracles.

It was the afternoon when Dave and I sat in the car on a conference call with Emily and I realized that the woman Emily was speaking to us about was the exact same woman Susan had been working with prior to April 20th.

It was a surreal moment for me. Sitting there in the car God had made it crystal clear to me that He is in control because there was no way on Earth I could have orchestrated the events that lead Melody to leave Susan and call up Emily days later and meanwhile, have me call Emily during that same exact time to tell her we were ready to start the process to adopt our second child.

I seriously felt like I was standing (sitting) on Holy Ground that day.

We hung up with Emily and I was absolutely speechless. All I could do was allow silent tears to flow down my face as I marveled in the Sovereignty of God.

All that thinking and worrying I had done truly was so meaningless and a waste of time!! The whole time God was in control.

If you are waiting today, take heart!

God is in control of your situation, too. He is orchestrating something beautiful for those who believe in His plans and trust that His ways are higher and better.

Stop the wondering and worrying if your profile is up to par. Stop comparing yourself to other families who are also waiting. Just stop because…God is in control and nothing is going to stop Him from carrying out His plan for you.

Wait on the Lord and in His Time He will move. (Ouch. I know that hurt. I hated hearing that while waiting, but, it is SO very true and something we need to remind ourselves when we are in God’s waiting room.)

Find rest today in the fact that God is fighting for you and He is in control.

Always in complete control.

If you allow your mind to truly grasp what that means, it will radically change your life, as it has mine.

reflections

I spent some time today going back in my blog and reading posts from February of last year – the month after everything happened with Tracy and the month before things started happening with Sweet Pea.

It was so interesting to me to read what I wrote in February because most of my posts centered around acknowledging that God is in control of our second adoption journey and the realization that I just needed to sit back and wait in great expectation for God to do another miracle.

I had no idea of knowing what God was going to start doing on March 8th when my friend Jennifer text me about an adoption situation, wondering if we would be interested.

During the months of waiting to see if we would be matched with this birth mother, the lessons God desired to teach me were all about the fact that GOD was in control of everything and nothing I did or didn’t do would change the outcome.

God had it all under control, even though at the time, there was a lot of waiting involved and a lot of uncertainty on my end.

It just amazes me how God prepares our hearts for what is to come. He planted these seeds in my heart in February knowing in March and until I had Sweet Pea in my arms in August, I would need to hang on knowing that God was in control.

If you have some time, go back and read my posts from February of last year. The words I wrote astound me because I had no idea what God was about to do.

When we find ourselves in a situation where we can’t see the big picture and we don’t have access to all the details, we must remember that God sees it all. He has planned it all. And not only that, He has something good in store, even if it looks like you’ve been deserted in left field.

He is there. Right beside you. And when the right time comes, He will start to reveal the big picture and you too will one day be able to look back on these days of only having just a fraction of the puzzle pieces and you will be able to see the big picture and know that God was in control of every single detail even when it seemed like everything was so uncertain.

It is strange to me that six months have already passed since Sweet Pea’s birth. On the day she turned 6 months old, around noon on that day, I remembered what happened at that exact moment. I believe it was actually a minute until noon and Emily called to tell me Sweet Pea had been born at 7:55am that morning.

The journey that had begun on March 8th – and, really, I guess you could say our official second adoption journey began on December 13, 2010, with Emily’s phone call that Tracy was pregnant – came to a close on August 4th when we jumped in the car and drove the 1.5 hours to go meet our second daughter after the TPR had been signed.

I guess reaching this point – 6 months after our second adoption in 2 years – makes me want to sit back and reflect upon the faithfulness of God through both of our adoptions.

It also takes me way back to September of 2008, the month I saw my first of countless negative pregnancy tests.

Those were my days of having only a fraction of the puzzle pieces. I couldn’t see the big picture which means there were many very hard days as I saw my dream slip away and I was powerless to do anything to change the circumstances I found myself in.

It sounds so cliché, I know, but God was in control. He had a beautiful journey laid out before me.

I am just standing in awe of all this today – and every day.

And thanking God, once again, that His plans were not mine.

Infertility at Christmas

My heart goes out to those of you going through infertility during this holiday season.

Going through infertility is hard enough, but then add on the Christmas holidays and I know it can seem like you are suffocating in the emotions another childless Christmas can bring.

Four Christmases ago, I can remember doing some last minute shopping at JC Penney’s with my mother. It was a couple days before Christmas. Dave and I had just started trying to conceive that August and a couple days ago I had learned that another cycle was going to come and go without me finding out we had achieved a pregnancy.

This month was particularly hard to take because it was right before Christmas and my dream of announcing a pregnancy on Christmas morning had been totally crushed.

I remember walking through that department store numb to the world. There was the hustle and bustle of last-minute Christmas shopping going on all around me, Christmas music playing in the background, beautiful Christmas decorations every where I looked, but inside it certainly didn’t feel like Christmas to me.

As hard as I tried the tears just started streaming down my face as we walked around the store. It was a pain I had not felt in my heart before then, a disappointment that was beyond anything I had ever experienced. 

I was scared. I knew something was wrong and I was afraid I would never be pregnant.

Even though I am the mother of two precious girls, those emotions can never be forgotten. No, they are not on the forefront of my mind this Christmas Season, but I remember.

And I will always remember.

I just want to say to anyone reading this who is going through infertility this Christmas season that there is HOPE.

I know that the last thing you want to hear is that God has a plan and you are not forgotten, but that simple truth is your HOPE!

As I walked through that department store three years ago around this time, God had a plan. During those very hard times God desired for me to cling to Him and to His promises.

If you cling to Him, trusting Him to reveal His plan to you as well, you will not be disappointed!

The next Christmas we were still childless, but Little Bug was a tiny fetus growing in the womb of her birth mother.

Then, two Christmases later, this story came full-circle as God granted me one the desires of my heart: to make a pregnancy announcement to my family on Christmas morning.

A year ago I held a secret that only my husband knew. Our second child was on the way and I could not wait to tell my family on Christmas morning!

This Christmas as you are waiting for God to reveal His plan to you, rest in His promises.

And know that someone who has been there and felt the kind of pain you feel today is thinking and praying for you this Christmas.

contents of my head & heart

I have no idea where this post is headed. It is just the contents of my head and heart on this September morning…

It’s official. I dislike the “newborn phase”. I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that my newborns have been challenging and anything but “normal”, but I much prefer babies once they reach the age of crawling and scooting around. That is when the fog started to lift when Little Bug was a baby and I can remember telling myself before Sweet Pea’s birth that things would get easier once Sweet Pea hits 6 months.

I forced myself to enjoy Little Bug as a teeny tiny newborn and I am doing the same for Sweet Pea.

The lack of sleep really gets to me. I am like a baby myself because I require an unusual amount of sleep. My mother tells me I would come home from Kindergarten and take a nap every day. Kindergarten!! Most kids have long ago given up naptime by the time they go off to school. Not Miss Needs to Sleep A lot.

When Little Bug was a baby, we would wake up at 7ish for her to eat and then we would sleep the morning away together in my bed until she needed to eat again. I learned very quickly you don’t have that luxury with the second child! And I thought I was "sleep deprived”. Ha! I am so funny.

It seems like since we started down this road of infertility four years ago (it is crazy to me that four years have passed since those days) that life has been nothing but challenges for me with some being bigger than others but challenges for me, nonetheless.

Infertility and the failed IUI and IVF cycles…then Tracy drama as we waited for Little Bug’s birth…then Little Bug’s withdrawals and first time mom challenges…then, just when life seemed to be settling, Tracy winds up pregnant again and there we went with 6 more weeks of Tracy drama…then we uncover Tracy’s deceit and go on our merry way thinking we will begin adoption #2 after Little Bug turns two…God had other plans and before Little Bug turned two we were matched again…and now we are dealing with the tummy saga.

It has been a very blessed road, but a challenging road all the same.

I am ready to enjoy life with no challenges, no situations in life where God is trying to grow me and teach me more about Him!

I know. Welcome to real life, where challenges are just a part of living.

I guess when we started to try and have a family that is when I lost my carefree, innocent existence and I started to learn about life in the big city where everything isn’t all peaches and cream and bad things happen to good people all the time.

Little did I know infertility was just the first of a string of challenges headed my way.

As I look back on the past four years, I see God’s hand on it all. Each challenge was placed in my life for a specific purpose. Each challenge has grown my faith and strengthened my trust in my Heavenly Father.

Trials and challenges in life are really a blessing.

I am one very blessed woman.

To think four years ago I had just gotten my very first negative pregnancy test on September 20, 2007. There was so much hope, even though even then I had my suspicions that it might take a while. I had just taken the first step of my journey through infertility, although, at the time, I did not realize where I was and where I was headed.

It didn’t take me long to figure things out. By Christmas I knew something was up and just after the new year we started seeking medical help.

And now, four years later, I am the mother to two little girls and infertility is a season passed.

I can remember thinking as I walked that road that I would never be freed from the pain and sorrow. I could not see an end.

There was definitely an end. I cannot pin point a certain day that I stepped off that road, but I have.

One of the greatest blessings of my life is that I grew up dreaming of pregnancy and I have never experienced any of that and yet I am totally okay. There is nothing in me that desires to seek a pregnancy.

I am a mother. All along, that was really the cry of my heart. I just wanted to be a mother.

I’m a mother alright! My two little girls keep me hopping all day long! They are, in fact, quite challenging right now, but we are making memories and I know, one day (probably sooner than I think) I will look back on these first few months as a mother of two and laugh at the craziness of it all.

I never would have chosen to have my children two years apart, but I have learned full well in the past four years that God’s plan is always perfect and always best.

He has things to teach me during this challenging time of caring for a baby dealing with drug withdrawals and her very active 2 year old sister!

I don’t want a peaches and cream life because 1) I hate fruit and 2) it is during the challenging times of life when God teaches us the most and grows and strengthens our faith in Him.

I want to keep learning.

Stay tuned for Q&A #3 coming later today.

It’s His Show

It’s been 11 weeks since I made that phone call to Emily. These 11 weeks have flown by…I am not sure where May and June went. July is over half-way over and here we sit today at 37 weeks.

Time has flown by.

I’ve definitely reached that point when I just want Sweet Pea here, in my arms and completely ours.

But there are still more days (weeks) to walk before this can happen.

During my time with the Lord this morning, I came across this verse and it spoke volumes of where I am today:

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

That is where I am today: waiting on the Lord to move.

This is His show. He is the one that calls the shots, He is the one directing. He is the one that will tell when it is time to pull back the curtain and let the performance begin. It is all for His glory.

I am just one of many sitting out in the audience waiting for the show to begin.

I have no say so in who the characters will be or how the drama will unfold.

So I’m gonna go get my popcorn, prop my feet up on the theater chair in front of me (as long as one of you aren’t sitting there already Smile) and I’m gonna wait for God to start moving.

Waiting on the Lord is torturous when I get up from my comfy seat in the audience and start trying to tell God what to do to get the show on the road.

Waiting on the Lord, truly waiting on the Lord to move, is peaceful, as long as I am holding onto the only thing keeping me in that comfy seat.

And it isn’t my popcorn.

It’s my faith in Jesus Christ.

Stand Strong in the Lord!!

I slept good last night because I know this is not my battle to fight.

God is fighting for us.

The battle I must fight is the one within myself.

The one against my flesh.

I must stand strong in the LORD, knowing He will work everything out for my good, even if it doesn’t work out the way I would desire.

Satan is a prowling lion around my heart this morning. He is waiting for an opportunity to attack me, but I will stand strong in the LORD.

Satan cannot get me because my heart already belongs to God.

He is trying. I know the specific ways he tries to “get to me” when there is a battle raging.

One specific way that Satan attacks me during times like this is by reminding me that if I was pregnant with Sweet Pea, none of this would be an issue! Satan is sneaky like this. He takes something that he knows I have dealt with (desire for pregnancy), grieved and moved on from and throws it right back in my face!

That’s okay though because my response to the devil on this is: That’s fine. You can bring this up as many times as you want, but I know God had plans for me that went beyond pregnancy. God has chosen to build my family through adoption and He is walking every step of this journey with me, working everything out for His glory. I may not like every decision He makes, but I have learned that God’s Way is best – always. So back off of me in the name of Jesus Christ!!!!

My role here is not to work out these complications that have come up. My role is to stand strong in the LORD and let HIM do the fighting.

Please pray for our lawyer, Emily, today. Emily’s role is to work out these complications and I am incredibly grateful that God has put her in this role to be an advocate for both us and Melody.

Please pray that God will open the doors for her to be able to figure things out and iron out some of the mess that occurred yesterday. (Which, I will add, Melody is not responsible for.)

Please pray binding Satan from any attacks he would wish to throw at me today.

Please pray for Melody and Sweet Pea.