I received an email from a reader asking me how I can believe in God since it can not be proven that He really does exist.

I am no Bible scholar and honestly, when I read this email, my first thought was that this email would be better suited for a pastor, not me!

But then I just poured the contents of my heart out to this reader because God IS very alive in my life. He is the reason I walked through the fire of infertility unscathed. He is my Rock, my fortress, my strength, my joy in troubled times.

And HE is the one who orchestrated the Miracle of Little Bug and He is going to do it again as we are now on our journey to #2.

No, I’ve never seen Jesus, but I have witnessed Him at work in my life numerous times and that gives me a voice to answer this reader.

This was my response:

Thank you for your email. I love to hear from readers, especially ones like you that are questioning everything about God. First, I want to say that questioning God is totally normal. Wondering if He exists? Totally normal.

No, we cannot see, touch and literally SEE God. But I know He is real because of what He has done in and through my life. I KNOW sometimes it is terribly hard to trust that He is real and alive and present in our lives everyday, even when we are in a dark tunnel and cannot see the light. HE IS THERE. You just have to learn to look for Him.
 
And really, this is what faith is all about…believing in the unseen. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6
 
I can only speak from my personal experience of walking daily with the Lord. God is a very personal God and He speaks to us in very personal ways. I guess on the outside looking in you could say that my faith is so strong because I come from a family where generation after generation has walked with God and had personal relationships with Him. But I know that is simply not the case. Yes, I come from generations of Christian family members BUT their faith does not give me any more or less faith. It is totally the individual’s choice to believe in God to to not believe.
 
I put my faith in the Lord when I was 8 years old. As a teenager God started working on my life. And by working on my life I mean that He starting building my faith in Him and teaching me truths about Who He is and what He desires from me. It was during my walk through infertility that God really started to do major work in my life to build my character and my faith in Him.
 
I found myself in a situation that I had NO CONTROL OF WHATSOEVER! As much as I desired to be pregnant, I couldn’t MAKE it happen. Then on March 8th, 2009, when we learned our chances of conceiving, even with IVF, were extremely slim, I found myself in the darkest, lowest, most hopeless place I had ever been in in my entire life. Here I was, a girl who had always dreamed of pregnancy and giving birth to four children, and now I was being told that was never going to happen? You better believe I questioned what God was doing in my life. I mean, hello God!, YOU put this desire in my heart, right??? And now you are NOT going to allow me to conceive…ever?!?!? It made NO SENSE whatsoever to me.
 
But I also knew something else. I HAD TO CONTINUE TO TRUST GOD. I HAD TOO. WITHOUT FAITH, I had nothing, no hope. So I choose again to put my faith in the Lord and surrender.
 
As I look back on my journey, I think we don’t realize just how important surrender is in our walk with the Lord. God requires faith, but in order for us to experience the good plans God has for us (Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”) I believe that we must first come to the place of total surrender to GOD’S WILL for our lives. What this means is that we relinquish our need to control, to "fix" things to the way we think God wants.
 
Since March 8th, 2009, God has really been working on my life and teaching me so much about surrender. I believe it is paramount to discovering God’s Will for our life. I had to totally LET GO of my desire for pregnancy. Instead of feeling deserted and forgotten by God, I surrendered to HIS WILL, not having any clue what His will was, and it was THEN that God did a miracle in my life.
 
God had opened our hearts to adoption in Dec. 2008. After the cancelled IVF cycle, I knew God was saying no to more treatments and yes to adoption! In obedience to God, I started filling out adoption paperwork and working on a family profile to be shown to prospective birth mothers. If you’ve read my blog, you know the miracle God performed. A little over 2 months after learning I would never conceive, I was holding my baby girl in my arms through the miracle of adoption. The circumstances that brought Little Bug into my life are nothing short of a miracle. Something ONLY God could have orchestrated and done.
 
And you know what? That was His plan all along! And it was BIGGER and BETTER than my wildest dreams!!! So why did God put that desire in my heart for pregnancy and then not fulfill it? Because He knew He had SOMETHING MORE than even pregnancy to bless me with!
 
My heart is so full and so content. It is overflowing! God is sooooooo good. You have to choose to trust Him, choose to surrender and then….the rest is totally GOD. Obey where you feel God is leading you to go and then stand back in amazement at what God is going to do through your life because your faith is in Him!
 
As we are starting our journey to #2, God is already teaching me more about faith and surrender to Him. When the time is right, I will be sharing more on the blog.
 
I hope what I have shared here has encouraged you in some way. PLEASE write me back with any more questions you may have. I seriously would love to help you figure all this out. Our walks with God are a continuous journey of growth and learning more about God and the truths found in His Word. I would love to help you find your way through this dark tunnel you are in right now. There is HOPE and there is LIGHT, but it is only found in Jesus Christ.
 
Take care and I hope to hear from you again,
Elaine

I consider myself an “Infertility Survivor”. I know some people claim they will “always be an infertile”. I just don’t think that way.

Sure, physically, I will always be infertile. My rotten eggs are not going to suddenly become viable and produce a pregnancy.

Emotionally, I am no longer “infertile”. Infertility does not affect my every day life anymore, even though, technically, we are “trying to conceive #2”. However, there was absolutely no consideration from me to even attempt to go back to infertility treatments this time around.

My heart is completely, wholly, 100% set on adoption.

Infertility is a thing of the past, a season of my life that has come, and now has gone. And while infertility is no longer a part of my everyday life, infertility has certainly left a permanent imprint on my heart and molded me into the woman I am today.

And I am forever grateful.

This morning as I was writing in my journal, I decided that this is something I needed to publish. So here it is: (I pray it brings encouragement to those of you reading this who are affected everyday by infertility – or whatever other trial God may have placed in your life).

My heart is just filled with excitement. Excitement for the miracle God is going to perform…again!

I love being infertile because it has stretched my faith to the point where I can honestly look into a future filled with tons of unknowns and be completely at peace because I know God is working, even at this very moment, and is ready to allow something as horrible and ugly as my infertility to proclaim to the world, once again, that God is faithful through it all.

As I look back on this journey, which began almost four years ago, I can see that every failed cycle, every disappointment and every dream that was shattered was used in a way only God could orchestrate so that HE would receive glory and I would become the woman I am today.

As painful as this journey has been for me, I wouldn’t choose any other path. On the day I was born God knew my body would never procreate. He also knew He had something more planned for me instead.

As we have officially begun our journey to #2 I just stand in great expectation of what God is going to do next.

I know it will be nothing short of another miracle.

And that is just exciting to think about.

God is Sovereign.

That statement alone is the foundation of my complete trust in Him.

He created everything, He controls everything and His Plans for my life are beautiful.

There was a day that I did not know of the work God was doing to bring me a miracle.

Any day before April 9th, 2009, I did not know what God was going to do.

By my faith in God, I was still able to say things like… God must have Something More (in reference to all our failed infertility treatments), I wait in great expectation of what God is going to do and God is faithful still.

On April 9th, 2009, God started letting me in on His miracle and it WAS better than anything I had imagined!

As we now have really started our journey to #2, I am at the same place again…

Trusting God and expecting something better than my wildest dreams.

Because that is just how the God I serve works!

His ways are higher, His love is deeper.

And He is Sovereign.

As I think about going through another adoption in the near future, I think back to the day that Little Bug was born.

There she was. The baby I had prayed for.

I had asked God to please put a baby in my womb, but He instead gave me Little Bug.

And she couldn’t have been more perfect or more beautiful than those first few moments of her life when I laid eyes on my daughter for the very first time.

Only thing was…she wasn’t my daughter…yet.

The picture you see below was taken when Little Bug was only 9 minutes old. That is my finger Little Bug has her tiny hand wrapped around. I was there during her first few minutes of life as the nurse worked on her a little bit.

The nurse did what she needed to do with Little Bug and then she swaddled her up and asked me, “Do you want to hold her?”

Of course I wanted to hold that precious baby that was promised to be my baby girl!

But I couldn’t. Not then.

Tracy and I had talked about this before delivery. Tracy would hold her first and then she would “pass her off to her mama”. (Tracy’s words.)

I am in no way saying that it shouldn’t have been this way. Tracy didn’t have to let me be there for Little Bug’s birth and she certainly didn’t have to even let me see her until TPR was signed days later.

But there I was. Witnessing it all.

I will forever be grateful to Tracy for giving me that gift.

At the same time, all of that was a loud and clear reminder to my heart that I was falling in love with a baby that wasn’t yet mine.

If Tracy decided to go through with her adoption plan, then Little Bug would be mine.

If Tracy chose to parent, I would have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on.

I remember holding Little Bug for the very first time like it was yesterday. It was actually 21 months and one day ago, to be exact.

After many failed infertility treatments, realizing my dream of pregnancy was dying and then being told by a lawyer that I could have a baby girl in two months, I held that tiny five pound baby, and for a moment in time, I just stared at her and was in awe that my baby girl was actually in my arms.

I realized in that moment the pain of everything I had been through to get to that place was totally worth it.

Then the nurses had to take Little Bug away for monitoring and I remembered…

She isn’t mine until TPR is signed.

We had no reason to believe that Tracy wouldn’t sign the TPR, but, you just never know. Nothing is ever a guarantee with adoption. (Nothing is ever a guarantee with life..except, of course, God’s faithfulness through it all!)

Things can change from day to day.

And this is what stops my heart when I think about going through another adoption in the future.

Adoption requires me to step out of my comfort zone and take a huge risk, trusting that God will take care of me and His faithfulness will abound, no matter what happens in the end.

The picture you see above is a picture I took of Little Bug on the evening of her birth day. Before delivery, Tracy had told me she wanted me to stay with her in the hospital. I thought that would be a little too much, but I wasn’t going to miss out on being with Little Bug throughout the night given the opportunity!

So when visiting hours were over, Dave left to go home and I stayed with Tracy and Little Bug in the hospital room. Tracy left at one point and it was just Little Bug and me.

For a split second, I could pretend that it was actually me that had given birth! Except my stomach was flat as a pancake and my husband was gone and country music was playing on the TV. (That wouldn’t have been my choice!)

But there I was, alone with Little Bug, country music piercing the quietness of a sterile hospital room. I wanted to push time forward and just know…Is this precious baby girl actually going to be my daughter when everything is said and done?

Later that night, my cell phone rang. Tracy was again gone from the hospital room and it was my lawyer on the other end of the phone.

Tracy had called her and asked the lawyer to call me and tell me that Tracy wanted me to go home for the night, instead of stay there.

At first I laughed that Tracy had called the lawyer to tell the lawyer to tell me this! (If you knew Tracy’s personality, you would laugh too. She doesn’t hesitate to speak her mind. I do appreciate the fact that Tracy cared about my feelings to the point where she was scared to ask me herself and instead had the lawyer do her “dirty work”. )

Wasn’t long, though, and I was in tears. All the fears that Tracy wouldn’t sign the TPR came flooding in that moment.

I couldn’t help but question in my mind:

Is she having second thoughts? Does she just want time with the baby? Is she just exhausted and needs some time to herself? Is she going to stay up all night and bond with the baby and then not be able to let go in the morning?

As Little Bug lay in that hospital bassinet, I had to tell her goodbye. I didn’t know if I would ever see her again, because you just never know what is really going on in an adoption process.

In faith, I leaned down into her little bassinet, gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her Mommy loved her and that I would see her tomorrow.

The floodgate opened wide as I spoke those words to her because I knew she wasn’t my baby girl, even though Tracy had made an adoption plan that included her signing her rights at 48 hours after birth and giving her to us to parent.

I walked out of the hospital room not knowing if I would ever lay eyes on that precious baby again. All I wanted to do was snuggle and hold her all night long and tend to her every need before she could even cry.

I love adoption but I hate the fact that for Little Bug’s first three days of life, I had to live in limbo not knowing if I would be her mother or not.

When I think about being in this place again in the future, I am scared.

I don’t want to go through all those emotions again!

I want to hold my baby in the first moments of his or her life and know that baby is completely mine. I don’t want to have to live in limbo for days and dance along the delicate line of allowing myself to fall in love with a baby and at the same time guard myself, just in case.

I want to love fully, completely, wholly from the moment I first lay eyes on “my” child.

Adoption does not allow that. Maybe some can do it, but my heart is always somewhat guarded until that baby is fully mine.

Just the way it is (for me, anyway).

When Dave and I find ourselves in this place again, I am going to have to rely on one thing.

When we are holding and loving another baby that is promised to be ours, but is not yet officially ours, I must remember that if that child is indeed the child God has planned from the beginning of time to be our second child, nothing, and I mean nothing, can disrupt God’s plan.

If that child is the one God intends to be ours, no obstacle along the way is too big for Him to overcome to make it so.

I can rest in that peace, knowing God’s got it all under control and His Plan will prevail…no matter what.

And in a way that only God can do, I can rest in peace knowing that God will take everything involved in another adoption process — the good, the bad, the ugly — and use it for good and for His Glory.

And really, that is what this is all about anyway.

It’s not about me, it’s not about another baby.

It’s not even about doing the delicate dance.

It’s about God and Him receiving glory through it all.

I remember like yesterday the month of August 2008. We did our first IUI cycle in July and at the beginning of August we learned that the IUI had not worked and I still wasn’t pregnant.

Instead of jumping into another cycle right away, I felt like God just wanted to me take the month off and just be still before Him.

God used that month to teach me and prepare me for what was to come.

I feel like I am once again in that spot.

In the spot where God wants me to just be still before Him and know that He is God and He’s got what is to come – whatever that may be – under control.

He wants me to turn the worry off and just know that as he brought us through the journey that blessed us with Little Bug, He is going to do it again on our journey to #2.

I hate being human.

Because I am human I worry and I am afraid.

It is a constant daily battle to push the worry and fear aside and instead put my focus and faith in a God that I know has another beautiful plan for us as we seek to grow our family.

The Bible tells us we can’t add a single day to our lives by worrying, yet, even after all God has done through the miracle of Little Bug, I sit here today worried!

Makes no sense whatsoever.

And yet, it makes all the sense in the world because … I am human!

Fortunately, my faith is in the Lord and I know just what to do when the worry creeps in.

Turn away from my worries and fears, put my faith and trust once again in the Lord, accept the strength God has given me because I am a child of His and take the leap of faith God is asking me to take knowing He is walking with me and He already knows what is going to happen.

God doesn’t promise ‘easy’ but He does promise a future that will prosper me and bring me hope.

My relationship with the Lord isn’t something I “do”. It is who I am. And ultimately I know this journey to #2 is not about me, or even another baby.

It’s about God.

It’s about God receiving glory in and through me as I walk this path.

And it’s about being still before the Lord and allowing Him to teach me and mold me through this time into more of the person I was made to be.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

After much more thought over the weekend and a good long talk with my wonderful husband, I have realized that I am just wanting things to be “easier” when it come to family planning.

While I do not have a longing to be pregnant like I did just two years ago, I am envious of couples who are able to choose when and how to grow their families.

As Dave and I were discussing our options this weekend I looked up at Dave and said, “All this sadness I’ve been feeling comes from the fact that we can’t decide to have another baby, jump in the bed and two weeks later stare down at a positive pregnancy test and then joyfully tell our family and friends that we are going to have another baby.”

Instead, we are going to have to put our names in with the agency, wait for a phone call that could come in a month or a year or longer, prepare for the birth of a baby without a guarantee that we will bring this baby home, welcome a baby into the world, hold and love that baby for several days before TPR is signed and baby officially becomes ours.

Adoption is a beautiful thing but it is filled with emotional ups and downs that just do not come into play when you are pregnant with your biological child.

So, there is all that and then there is the big picture.

Infertility is the cross that God has asked me to bear as I live my life on earth.

Every single Christian has a cross in their life. Something that God has allowed to be there so that He can use it for His good and for His glory.

Those fertile couples I spoke about earlier? They all have some other cross God has asked them to carry for His Glory.

The question here is not, Why can’t Dave and I be fertile and have kids the ‘easy’ way?

The question here is Am I going to surrender my desires and allow God to do the work He desires to do through this cross (infertility) He has given me to carry as I live my life here on Earth?

When I think in those terms, I get totally excited about pursuing another adoption in the near future.

Why?

Because I know God has a plan, just as miraculous as the one that brought us Little Bug.

I know God is going to walk with me every step of the way. He has not asked me to carry this cross alone. He is here. He is walking with me. He is carrying the load when it gets too heavy for me to bear on my own.

I have to force those thoughts about wishing things were “easier” away because ultimately my desire is for my life to bring Glory to God’s name.

My infertility is the avenue God is using in my life to bring Glory to His name.

Every single one of us, fertile or infertile, has something in their lives that God is asking them to bear for the glory of His name.

The question we all need to be asking ourselves is Am I going to allow God to use this in my life for His Glory or am I going to run away from it or seek my own desires concerning it?

Ultimately, I want God to receive glory again through my infertility and I know I can do another adoption through Christ who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:13) It’s just a matter of uniting my head and heart and then God can begin His work.

Whatever happens as we pursue another adoption, God already knows and it’s a part of His plan.

He is in control. I really do just have to sit back and watch my life unfold. I don’t have to do anything.

Except be obedient to His calling.

I know God wants us to pursue another domestic infant adoption this summer.

For a week now, my spirits have been so downcast because I want an “easy” path this time.

Looking at the big picture now, I want God to do something more with my life once again that clearly demonstrates to the world that God is God and His plan is perfect and better and bigger than anything we dream up ourselves.

It’s time to once again surrender my desires for “easy” and get on board with God because, whatever His next plan is for #2, it’s going to be marvelous.

Marvelous in a way only God can do marvelous.

I know where all this sadness is stemming from.

It is coming from a dread of the future, which is pure silliness.

But, let me explain anyway.

While I felt total and utter relief from not having to continue to deal with Tracy drama over the next 5-6 months, after things have settled over the past two weeks I have realized that while those 5-6 months would have continued to be one wild ride, there wouldn’t have really been a lot of unknowns in dealing with Tracy.

And unknowns are scary, no matter how you look at them.

Sure, there would have been much more drama with Tracy. That was a given.

But ultimately, I knew the drama would only last a season and because of Tracy’s circumstances, I knew that she would be classified as very “low risk” as far as her deciding to parent. Basically, that isn’t even an option for her.

As much as I hate Tracy’s lifestyle and pray that she one day is freed from the chains of her sin, parenting not even being an option (or desire) for her really does provide a sense of “security” for an adoptive couple when all comes down to it.

Now, we head into the unknown.

Right before we got the call that Tracy was pregnant, Dave and I briefly discussed a timeline of planning for #2, knowing full well that God’s timing is our utmost desire.

We both felt we would be ready to start the adoption process after Little Bug turns two. We both think a three-year age gap would be ideal, but, like I already said, we know better than to plan and assume that our plans will also be God’s plan!

So, the lawyer’s phone call at the beginning of December certainly didn’t line up with our plans but we took the leap of faith and went with it, trusting God every step of the way.

And, as always, he was faithful … every step of the way.

I know that as we begin the adoption process again (most likely before the calendar says 2012), God’s faithfulness will be the thread that weaves our journey to #2 together.

As overwhelming as it was to think of dealing with Tracy for 5-6 months, it is also overwhelming to think of dealing with a new birth mother, a completely new situation.

So many unknowns. And unknowns are scary.

While Tracy certainly proved herself to be full of surprises, I know her. I know how she operates and I knew she had to place her child when it was all said and done.

And as crazy as it sounds, all that did bring a measure of peace that dealing with the unknowns just doesn’t offer.

So it’s a good thing my peace does not come from my circumstances.

My peace comes from the Lord.

I seriously couldn’t do this without my faith in the Lord. Where would my hope be?

In my next birth mother?

Wow. That is a scary thought.

No, my faith, my hope, my trust, my joy, my strength ALL come from the Lord.

And His supply is endless.

If I had a quarter for every time someone told me how strong I was during our latest “Tracy drama”, we’d have enough money to pay for our next adoption.

I write this and share this with you just to show you how weak I really am.

It’s almost 4am. I am awake as my husband and daughter sleep the night away.

I couldn’t sleep, came to the office and started crying.

At first, I didn’t know why.

Sleep deprived, hormonal and a moment of feeling sorry for myself, I suppose.

While I never wish to be pregnant anymore, I do still find myself wishing from time to time that adding to our family could be "easy". I know pregnancy for some can be anything but easy, but adoption is never easy.

I know God has a plan for #2, but I am human and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I guess this is one of those times.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder why God wants me, of all people, to do this (this being infertility). Sometimes I wish I could pass the baton to the next person in this race.

But then I know that this is the life God planned for me and I will continue to run and be found faithful every step of the way.

And these quiet moments in the dead of the night, just me and my tears, are good.

It’s a reminder that the path I walk won’t ever be “easy” and I am going to fall down.

Like tonight.

BUT.

You better believe I’ll get back up.

And keep running.

Because this is my life and I am going to live life to the fullest, refusing to let my infertility keep me down for long.

I know in my heart, even as the tears stream down my face, that it is only a matter of time before God reveals His plan.

And so I wait.

I wait in great expectation for what God is going to do next.

If you want to give me a “hug”, go here and sponsor a puzzle piece for Nastya for just five buckaroo’s.

Seriously.

It would make my day and make a lost night’s sleep worth it.

I really can’t say thank you enough to everyone for their outpouring of love and support, prayers, emails, texts, Facebook messages and hugs during this time.

I want to assure everyone that I am fine.

Really, I am! I am not just saying that!

Don’t worry – I am not bottling all the emotions of this up only to explode a week or a month from now!

I dealt with the grief on the couch with my parents after I officially learned what I knew in my heart. There were tears, I was disappointed but my husband didn’t even have time to come home from work to comfort me before I was absolutely at peace with the final outcome and so ready to just move on!

The grief period was just simply that brief.

As I have said all along, there was disappointment, but ultimately at the conclusion of all this, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

Just a few days before all this drama began I counted the weeks that had gone by since first learning of Tracy’s pregnancy. December 10th, she had told the lawyer she was about 10-11 weeks pregnant, so that would mean when I counted that she was approximately 16ish weeks pregnant. And while 16 weeks was a whole lot further along than 10 weeks, 40 weeks still seemed light years away.

I certainly wasn’t looking forward to the next 5-6 months. From the day we first learned of Tracy’s pregnancy I told God that 30 weeks of dealing with Tracy was a lot BUT I knew ultimately He was in charge and I knew there was a purpose behind this pregnancy and I just had to step out in faith knowing God would take care of me every step of the way. And I was extremely excited about the possibility of a biological sibling for my daughter although I never would have chosen to have my children 25ish months apart!

And He most certainly did take care of me every step of the way!

When all the drama started I again prayed the same thing: That God would give me the strength and peace to endure the next 5-6 months if there was indeed a baby in Tracy’s womb.

The reality was, there was no doubt in my mind that I would continue with no hesitation if a precious baby popped up on the ultrasound screen. I knew if this baby in Tracy’s womb were Little Bug, I would have “dealt with Tracy” for nine whole entire months in order to be Little Bug’s mother.

By the Grace of God, I only had to deal with drama for 48 days with Little Bug’s adoption.

And you know how many days this second ordeal lasted? (I find this very interesting.)

49.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my baby girl over the past two days.

I look at her and there is just a renewed awe at the miracle of her adoption.

I do not say this to make myself the “hero”, because her adoption has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father, but my heart breaks when I think of what could have been had Tracy not chosen adoption for Little Bug.

For some reason, a reason we are probably not fully aware of now, God picked Little Bug up out of her biological family and placed her with us and her life is forever changed and totally different than it would have been.

For now, I know the reason must be this: God has a special plan for this precious child, one that He could only accomplish through her by removing her from that situation and placing her with us.

Life is good. Well, life isn’t always good but I have certainly learned that even when life’s circumstances aren’t good, God always is.

God is always at work orchestrating his beautiful plan for our lives, if we allow it.

And God is always faithful and good.

It is a new day, a new month and that can only mean one thing:

God’s mercies are new. He has brought me through another fire and I am still standing.

But I am not just standing.

I am standing firm because God is my strength, my peace, my joy in times of trouble and heartache and no matter what the devil tries to scheme against me, GOD has won.

Which means I won, because I’m on His side.

The promises of God’s Word are still true. There is no doubt in my mind that God has a plan, a perfect and beautiful plan that is far greater and far bigger than a biological sibling for Little Bug.

I learned that full well on my journey to Little Bug.

Yesterday was a day of sorrow for what wasn’t going to be and there were certainly tears, but ultimately do you know the overwhelming emotion I felt yesterday and continue to feel today?

Relief.

I am sure that might not make a whole lot of sense right now, which is why I have chosen to reveal the details of this drama.

The drama began with a text from Tracy to me on Monday, January 24th.

She asked me if we wanted to come over for dinner and help her get some furniture.

I replied that I had been asking around to see if people had any furniture they were trying to get rid of and could donate and we would just have to wait and see what is donated.

Tracy text me back that she was getting a kitchen table and needed us to come help her pick it up and then we could stay for dinner.

Not long after this text, I received a call from our lawyer.

The lawyer told me she had just received a text from Tracy saying she needed a sum of money to be able to buy a kitchen table because Dave and Elaine were coming over for dinner and she needed a place for us to sit.

I am sure at this point my jaw was on the floor, but believe it or not, this was just the prelude to all the drama that was about to unfold.

The lawyer and I made the decision that this was an outlandish request. The lawyer said she was going to call Tracy and tell her no, the request could not be granted.

On Tuesday, January 25th I received a phone call from the lawyer telling me that she had talked to Tracy and Tracy was livid that the lawyer would not give her the money.

Tuesday night Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound in the evening. All we had from the adoption agency for proof of pregnancy was a “pregnancy confirmation” document.

Tracy was scheduled for an ultrasound at a crisis pregnancy center on Tuesday evening.

When the lawyer told me that Tracy was angry about the money situation, she warned me that Tracy may not show up for her ultrasound.

Tuesday afternoon I received a text from Tracy asking me why we had not paid the lawyer and did we really want this baby?

I replied that we had done everything the lawyer had asked us to do because, of course, we were very excited about this baby.

I never heard back from her and sure enough, Tracy dropped off the radar. No one could make contact with her at all.

It was at this point that we obviously knew something was up and we began to suspect that she might not even be pregnant.

Wednesday passed. Then came Thursday.

Thursday we learned that the crisis center had actually cancelled all the ultrasounds scheduled for that evening because of a bad storm we got that night.

Thursday I received a very unexpected apology text from Tracy. I felt for sure that Tracy had “left town”, but hearing from her made me think that maybe there really was a baby after all.

I just wanted to get to the bottom of all the drama and know one way or the other!

Tracy also made contact with the lawyer and the lawyer set up a meeting with Tracy for Friday morning.

During their meeting the lawyer made Tracy call and reschedule her ultrasound, because, for obvious reasons, we knew this ultrasound was key in knowing if this adoption was over or if we would proceed. At this point, I didn’t know how I was going to survive 5-6 more months of dealing with Tracy drama if there really was a baby!

Tracy knew it was imperative to be at the Monday morning (January 31st) ultrasound.

I was at the appointment right on time. I sent a text to Tracy and told her I had gotten there. She text me back that she was on the way.

Forty-five minutes later, she had still not arrived. I sent Tracy another text and asked her if she was almost there. She said she was and five minutes later, she walked in the clinic door.

While I was waiting, I had spoken to the woman at the front desk and briefly explained the situation. I told her I needed to know TODAY if Tracy is pregnant or not.

Not long after Tracy arrived, she was called back. I was informed they were going to talk to Tracy first and then they would call me back when they were ready to do the ultrasound.

Ten minutes later Tracy walked back out into the waiting room and told me that they could not do an ultrasound on her because she has had ectopic pregnancies in the past.

I immediately stood up and told Tracy, “We have to get an ultrasound today to proceed with this adoption. That does not make sense. I am going back there to talk to them.”

Tracy sat down on a chair and I walked myself through the door and told the woman at the front desk that I had to speak with the lady who had just talked to Tracy.

She said, “Go down the hall and take a left.”

I found the woman and she was on the phone about Tracy with the manager of the crisis center.

She put the manager on hold and I told the woman, “This is the situation. We are not sure she is even pregnant. Drama has been going on for a week now and I NEED for her to have an ultrasound so we can get to the bottom of this. Please help me!”

The woman was very sweet. She asked me if I would talk to the manager. I immediately took the phone and pleaded my case to the manager.

Surprisingly enough, I got the same story that Tracy had just told me.

I understood. Tracy has had ectopic pregnancies in the past. (I do know this is true from official medical records when Tracy was pregnant with Little Bug.) The clinic is not a medical facility so their standard protocol is to not do an ultrasound on any woman who has had an ectopic pregnancy or who has had any bleeding during the pregnancy.

I also learned from the sweet lady at the crisis center that Tracy had said she had had some bleeding, which was another reason they were not giving Tracy an ultrasound.

The manger told me that the crisis pregnancy center could give me the name and number of another place where Tracy could go to get an ultrasound for a charge.

I told the sweet little lady that I needed that information. She gave me the information and I went back out to the waiting room.

Tracy had bolted.

She was no where to be found.

I went ahead and called the contact the crisis center had given me and found myself talking to another sweet lady.

I told her the situation I was in and that I needed an appointment TODAY, if at all possible.

She booked us for a 6:15pm appointment and I hung up with her and immediately dialed Tracy.

Of course, she did not answer.

I called the lawyer to fill her in on what was going on.

She told me she and her office would try all day to get in touch with Tracy and she would call me as soon as she knew anything.

Monday afternoon I received word from the lawyer that she had talked to Tracy and told her through texts that she HAD to go to this appointment at 6:15pm or her rent would not be paid tomorrow and she would not receive another penny from the agency.

Tracy text the lawyer back saying that she “couldn’t make it tonight”.

The lawyer text her back and told her we were done and to never contact her again for anything.

And finally, I had answers. Either Tracy was never pregnant to begin with or Tracy was pregnant, miscarried and was trying to see how far she could go.

When I learned that this was officially over I was sitting on my old bed at my parents’ house.  I had just laid Little Bug down for her nap and was waiting to hear from the lawyer. I heard the news, continued siting on my bed to take a few minutes to process, and then I walked downstairs to the living room where my parents were siting on the couch.

And the tears came.

They were tears of disappointment.

I knew they would come and I knew they would quickly go because ultimately I felt relief and like the weight of the whole world has been lifted off my shoulders. (I have another post coming soon about this.)

And while I can’t hardly believe the drama that transpired over the past week, it is what it is and ultimately I have hope in Jesus Christ.

Satan thinks he won this battle.

But I’ve got news for him.

Satan definitely has a stronghold on Tracy’s life, but on this brand new day, I proclaim to the world that God is good and God is faithful and Something More is coming!

Please don’t view me as a victim!

I am not the victim here. Tracy is.

Satan has a stronghold on her, not me.

I am as free as a bird soaring in the sky.

This is not the end of God’s story.

He’s got plenty still to write and I know it’s going to blow the socks right off my feet.

To God be the glory, great things He has done, is doing and will do.