Infertility at Christmas

My heart goes out to those of you going through infertility during this holiday season.

Going through infertility is hard enough, but then add on the Christmas holidays and I know it can seem like you are suffocating in the emotions another childless Christmas can bring.

Four Christmases ago, I can remember doing some last minute shopping at JC Penney’s with my mother. It was a couple days before Christmas. Dave and I had just started trying to conceive that August and a couple days ago I had learned that another cycle was going to come and go without me finding out we had achieved a pregnancy.

This month was particularly hard to take because it was right before Christmas and my dream of announcing a pregnancy on Christmas morning had been totally crushed.

I remember walking through that department store numb to the world. There was the hustle and bustle of last-minute Christmas shopping going on all around me, Christmas music playing in the background, beautiful Christmas decorations every where I looked, but inside it certainly didn’t feel like Christmas to me.

As hard as I tried the tears just started streaming down my face as we walked around the store. It was a pain I had not felt in my heart before then, a disappointment that was beyond anything I had ever experienced. 

I was scared. I knew something was wrong and I was afraid I would never be pregnant.

Even though I am the mother of two precious girls, those emotions can never be forgotten. No, they are not on the forefront of my mind this Christmas Season, but I remember.

And I will always remember.

I just want to say to anyone reading this who is going through infertility this Christmas season that there is HOPE.

I know that the last thing you want to hear is that God has a plan and you are not forgotten, but that simple truth is your HOPE!

As I walked through that department store three years ago around this time, God had a plan. During those very hard times God desired for me to cling to Him and to His promises.

If you cling to Him, trusting Him to reveal His plan to you as well, you will not be disappointed!

The next Christmas we were still childless, but Little Bug was a tiny fetus growing in the womb of her birth mother.

Then, two Christmases later, this story came full-circle as God granted me one the desires of my heart: to make a pregnancy announcement to my family on Christmas morning.

A year ago I held a secret that only my husband knew. Our second child was on the way and I could not wait to tell my family on Christmas morning!

This Christmas as you are waiting for God to reveal His plan to you, rest in His promises.

And know that someone who has been there and felt the kind of pain you feel today is thinking and praying for you this Christmas.

I wish…

It is nights like last night that I wish…

… Dave and I could plan our family and be more in control of when things happen. You never know with adoption. You can start the process and have no wait time (like Little Bug’s adoption) or end up waiting years for THE CALL.

… dealing with another birth mom wasn’t in the cards for us.

… we could spend the first moments of our child’s life knowing that that child really is ours. Instead, the first two days of our child’s life is going to spent on pins and needles until TPR is signed.

… I didn’t have to worry whether my child will be exposed to drugs or even have prenatal care.

And then I wake up (after only a couple hours of sleep) and I am reminded why as I walk into Little Bug’s bedroom.

She greeted me this morning by saying, “Poop. Tub.”

She woke up with last night’s events on her mind, apparently.

Last night she pooped in the bathtub – a first since she was probably 3 months old.

I heard something that made me suspect this might be going on, but I didn’t hear what I used to hear most every night.

“HELP! Please!!!!”

So I assumed things were under control.

(Daddy’s come a long way in handling things like a pro.Smile)

Anyway, I know why.

We all have something in our lives that God uses to show us our need for Him. Something that requires us to put our trust in Him, surrender to our own will and desires and walk in obedience with Him as He takes the something and uses it for His good and His Glory.

I know that is why.

There is no doubt in my mind.

My something is my inability to conceive because of endometriosis and other issues.

I wouldn’t change a thing, though. If it wasn’t for all that, I wouldn’t be Little Bug’s mother.

I just sometimes wish things could be a little easier.

But it’s not, so I can either sulk and feel sorry for myself or jump on the band-wagon of the next miracle God will do.

I’m jumping on, because even though at this point in my life, I have no idea when and how God will bring us #2, His promise stands strong as ever.

God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I’m not itching for a baby, now, by the way.

In fact, just before we received the phone call from the lawyer, Dave and I had decided that after Little Bug turns two, we will start the adoption process for #2.

Neither of us felt ready to tell the lawyer to match us with a new birth mother as soon as possible after things with Tracy fell through.

There is no sense of urgency whatsoever.

I am quite content with my little family of three, but I know I won’t be in the future because I want Little Bug to have a sibling.

Little Bug wouldn’t make a good only-child! She needs a playmate!

And I know the baby itch for me isn’t too far off. It will come again.

All this serves as a real good reminder to us all.

God’s in control of my family planning and He’s also in control of whatever your something is.

For me, it’s a matter of realizing that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Phil. 4:13)

God is going to give me what I need to go through another adoption.

Exactly what I need at the precise time I need it.

He did that with Little Bug’s adoption. He did it during this recent situation with Tracy.

And He is going to do it again as we start the adoption process in the future.

For when I am weak, it is then that I am strong because my strength comes from the Lord.

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow!

Thank you for all the “hugs” in the form of sponsoring puzzle pieces for Nastya’s adoption.

I need some more, though. Smile Click here, if you want to sponsor a puzzle piece  and give me a hug.

It put a huge smile on my face to see that some of you have sponsored puzzle pieces. Thank you for helping to make a difference in the life of a 13 year old girl named Nastya.

And if you are reading this but missed what I said at 4am this morning, click here.

Tears at Four

If I had a quarter for every time someone told me how strong I was during our latest “Tracy drama”, we’d have enough money to pay for our next adoption.

I write this and share this with you just to show you how weak I really am.

It’s almost 4am. I am awake as my husband and daughter sleep the night away.

I couldn’t sleep, came to the office and started crying.

At first, I didn’t know why.

Sleep deprived, hormonal and a moment of feeling sorry for myself, I suppose.

While I never wish to be pregnant anymore, I do still find myself wishing from time to time that adding to our family could be "easy". I know pregnancy for some can be anything but easy, but adoption is never easy.

I know God has a plan for #2, but I am human and sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I guess this is one of those times.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder why God wants me, of all people, to do this (this being infertility). Sometimes I wish I could pass the baton to the next person in this race.

But then I know that this is the life God planned for me and I will continue to run and be found faithful every step of the way.

And these quiet moments in the dead of the night, just me and my tears, are good.

It’s a reminder that the path I walk won’t ever be “easy” and I am going to fall down.

Like tonight.

BUT.

You better believe I’ll get back up.

And keep running.

Because this is my life and I am going to live life to the fullest, refusing to let my infertility keep me down for long.

I know in my heart, even as the tears stream down my face, that it is only a matter of time before God reveals His plan.

And so I wait.

I wait in great expectation for what God is going to do next.

If you want to give me a “hug”, go here and sponsor a puzzle piece for Nastya for just five buckaroo’s.

Seriously.

It would make my day and make a lost night’s sleep worth it.

May 29th

When planning Little Bug’s birthday party I would not plan her party for today, May 29th, because I do not like the date May 29th.

I know that may seem strange, so let me explain.

We had a waiting period of 81 hours from the time of Little Bug’s birth to getting the call from our lawyer saying Tracy had signed the consent and Little Bug was officially ours.

I know for some states, there can be a waiting period of 30 days for the birth mother to change her mind. To me, that is torture, for both adoptive parents and birth parents. In our state, Tracy could sign the consent after 48 hours of Little Bug’s birth.

Originally,we were set to do the signing at 9am on Friday, May 29th, just over 48 hours after Little Bug’s birth.

I will forever remember the drop in my heart as we pulled into the parking garage around 7pm on the night of May 28th for a visit with Tracy and Little Bug at the hospital.

My cell phone rang as we were getting out of the car. It was the lawyer and she told me words that ripped my heart right out of my chest.

She told me that Tracy didn’t want to sign the next day. My mind was literally swirling as I tried to comprehend whether she didn’t want to sign, period, or if this was just a delay.

I could barely keep myself together as I made my way up to the hospital room. I sat holding Little Bug completely torn whether I should allow myself to love her or if I would walk out of that hospital room and never see her sweet little face again.

It was agony.

In the back of my mind there was always the knowledge that I was holding a baby that was not yet officially mine.

As soon as the visit ended, I was back on the phone with the lawyers who tried, to the best of their knowledge, to fill me in on what was going on.

I can’t go into details (sorry), but I can say that I knew I was completely out of control of the situation and there was nothing I could do to sway the outcome of this situation – except wait.

And so began the LONGEST twenty-four hours of my life.

On the way home from the hospital on the night of the 28th, Dave and I stopped at the gas station just down the street from our subdivision. I was sitting there in the passenger seat staring off into space when my sister-in-law’s roommate (who happens to also be my friend) pulled up in her car beside me. She got out of her car and walked over to me.

“Congratulations!", she said. When she asked how I was doing I started to cry as I shared with her what was really going on. The compassion in her eyes was the genuine concern of a sister in Christ. I poured my heart out to her and together we got the idea to have a prayer meeting at my house that night.

I called some close family and friends who came over to our house that night to pray with us. There was a somber, yet hopeful mood in my home that evening.

Everyone took turns just pouring their hearts out to God on our behalf and pleaded with Him to please allow this precious baby girl to be our daughter. And yet, even though it was so hard to pray, everyone prayed God’s will be done – even if it meant Little Bug was not to be ours.

I cannot tell you just how uplifting it was to have family and friends surrounding me that night. Driving home from the hospital I didn’t know how I was going to survive those hours of waiting.

I needed the presence of my family and friends and they were there surrounding me in the darkest hour.

That prayer time lasted about 2 hours. I’d never been a part of something so amazing and haven’t since.

I didn’t know how I was going to get a wink of sleep that night, but I slept and I slept well. My hope was in the Lord and it was His strength that was holding me up as I waited.

I awoke very early on the morning of May 30th. I went into Little Bug’s nursery and continued the conversation with God that had been started the evening before.

Our parents came over to our house to wait with us that day. I didn’t want to be sitting in our house alone. I wanted people around.

We were in contact with the lawyers who told us we were to meet with the birth mom that afternoon to discuss some things.

This was my breaking point. I remember sitting in a chair in my living room completely feeling lifeless. I had not an ounce of strength in my body. I seriously did not know how I was going to get up and go fight the battle that I had to fight.

God’s presence was all over during those torturous hours of waiting. Suddenly a strength came over me like nothing I had ever experienced in my life.

I stood up.

I walked to my bathroom and began brushing my teeth, getting dressed and getting ready to go to battle for my child.

I felt an inner strength within me that I knew was God and God alone.

I wasn’t going to this meeting alone. God was going with me and He already knew the outcome and nothing I said, or didn’t say, would change that outcome.

I remember telling Dave, “Let’s go. I’m ready.” and avoiding my mother like the plague because I knew if I allowed myself to get a hug from her or allow her to say anything to me I would crumble right there and not have the strength to go on.

We pulled out of the driveway. Mama waved.

Later she told me she went into Little Bug’s nursery armed with her Bible and prayed and read Scripture until we came home.

Turns out Tracy decided the meeting with us was unnecessary. We met with the lawyers and a councelor who had talked to Tracy that morning.

We learned what was causing the delay. (I will just say it wasn’t Tracy second guessing her adoption plan. It was something totally unrelated to Little Bug and the adoption plan she had made for her.)

The signing of the consent was set for later that afternoon.

We went home for more agonizing waiting. Every minute seemed like an hour and every hour seemed an eternity. Time stood still.

Our parents were still at our house. We played games and ate dinner, all in the hopes that those activities would be great distracters from thinking about what was happening.

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I had felt a sense of calm but as 5:30 approached and we had not heard anything from the lawyers, I felt the anxiety creeping into the corners of my heart.

The waiting was literally about to make me go crazy. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I was getting to the point that I just wanted to know – I wanted to know if Little Bug was going to be our daughter or not. Just tell me!

I went and laid on my bed. I just laid there. I didn’t have any more words to pray.

In God’s great mercy, I had been laying there for probably 10 minutes or less when my cell phone rang.

I sprung off the bed and began running like a manic through the house to my cell phone. I urgently answered when I saw it was our lawyer.

She said, “She’s YOURS! Congratulations!”

I know I probably hurt her ear because I was still holding the phone when I screamed for the entire household (and probably a few neighbors) to hear, “SHE’S OURS!!!!!!”

It was a glorious moment. Tears streamed down my face and a prayer of thanksgiving filled my heart completely.

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It was over.

The years of waiting.

The pain and disappointment of the recent past was no more.

God had walked me through the fire and blessed me beyond measure. This was truly happening.

I was a mother to a precious baby girl.

Those moments after the phone call from the lawyer were surreal.

It wasn’t 10 minutes later and Dave and I were rushing to the hospital to see our baby girl.

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Yes, God is a God who turns mourning into dancing and weeping into laughter.

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Goodbye, Lone Ranger

I’m glad I didn’t waste time yesterday going to get blood drawn.

The unwelcome visitor arrived this morning, right on time.

So where does this leave me?

Even though I lived the past few days with the mindset of the visitor would arrive any day now … it still hurts … because there is always at least just an ounce of hope every month, no matter how much you’ve been through, that maybe, just maybe, this will be the month.

Then when the visitor arrives … that ounce of hope is crushed … and life moves on.

Where my life is moving beyond this day is very scary to me.

Before March 8th, I honestly didn’t think everything would come to this.

Goodbye, Lone Ranger.

Goodbye, Dream.

I have no idea what to title this

I wish I could report my heart is full of joy with a new day beginning, but it is not.

I am at a loss for words in attempting to describe what the past 24 hours have been like, except to say I feel as though someone very close to me has died and now I have to somehow figure out a new “normal” and continue living.

I am numb that this journey has brought me to this place. I have always relied on the truth that God does have a plan and purpose behind all this, a good plan, but at this time, my heart is even numb to that.

Interestingly enough, I ran across a random blog of someone going through infertility and they were saying they no longer believed there is a God, because how could God let something like this go on. At the time, I thought, Wow, that is harsh, but now I can understand how someone would believe that. Before you panic saying I no longer believe in God, that is is NOT what I am saying. I know there is a God. I walk and talk with Him daily. I’m just at the the lowest of the lows and I feel that person’s pain.

It is disturbing to grow up thinking and believing one thing only to wake and realize one day what you have been thinking and believing all your life is just that, thoughts and beliefs that will never become reality.

There is NEVER a time in my life where babies and taking care of children hasn’t been a part of my life in some way.

My earliest memory is that of me at the age of 3 years old. My baby brother had been born. He was coming home from the hospital and I was SO excited. I remember dashing to the front door and reaching for the lock. Then in an instant I was dashing back to what is now the dinning room of my parents’ house but then was a den. There was a couch against the back wall. I remember even then a strong desire to get that baby in my arms. The desire didn’t stop there.

As the years went on, I longed for a baby sister. My mother went on to have five miscarriages after she gave birth to me and my brother. The first four miscarriages I do not remember at all. The miscarriages always happened early on in the pregnancies, so my parents probably never had the chance to tell me. The last miscarriage occurred when I was 10 years old. I found a home video of my parents telling me that Mama was pregnant. My reaction was pure elation. I was SO excited.

I remember the morning of the 11-week ultrasound. I was going to get to go and see my baby sister (I was convinced it was a girl) on the ultrasound. Mama got on the examine table. I stood nearby. It wasn’t long and I could tell something was wrong. The thing I remember the most is Mama getting up from the table, walking past me, and going to the bathroom. She had been told to empty her bladder and then they were going to try and look again. I don’t know when I exactly understood that there was no heartbeat found but I do plainly remember bursting into tears.

I never had a little sister.

But I had Aaron and Levi, twin sons born to my parents’ friends, when I was 10 years old. Their mom would drop them off at our house to run errands and leave me in heaven taking care of two babies. I never ever remember having to learn to care for them. I just instinctively knew what to do and did it.

I also had a lot of cousins that were at least a decade younger than me. I LOVED Thanksgiving and Christmas because it meant I would get to take care of little cousins.

And then when I was 17 years old a little girl named Grace entered my life. Her daddy worked at the same church as my mom and one day my mom volunteered for us to watch Grace while her parents went somewhere. Soon, I couldn’t get enough of Grace and her parents would let me watch her every so often. Before Grace turned a year old, her mom was in the hospital for a week or so. Grace’s dad would bring her to my house every morning and pick her up every evening, only to bring her back the next day. Fortunately, I was a senior in high school and classes had ended just days before Grace’s mom was hospitalized. Those days with Grace, taking care of her every need while her mama was in the hospital, are some of my most precious memories with Grace still to this day.

During college I regularly babysat for a family with three small children, Justin, Hannah and Caitlyn. Once again, I took much pride in caring for those children. They became very special to me. The year I graduated college, the family moved away and I lost contact with them for almost 6 years! During those 6 years I thought about the children often and wondered how they were. Through facebook, just recently, I was able to reconnect with the family and find out the children are doing well and excelling in school and sports. It did my heart so much good to have contact again because children I care for have a way of crawling into my heart and finding a permanent location.

I went to college for education knowing without a shadow of a doubt that motherhood was in my future. I honestly could not imagine loving my own flesh and blood any more than I loved all these children because I always put my everything into loving and caring for them.

Right after I started my first year of teaching Evan, Grace’s little brother, was born. Not long after, Hannah was born and Jonah followed 2 years later. Hannah and Jonah call me “Aunt E” because their mama is like a sister to me. Soon after the births of Hannah and Jonah I would stay the night and sleep with the baby, bring the baby in to nurse, and then take the baby back to bed and get him/her back to sleep so their parents could catch up on some much needed sleep. Fond memories, to say the least.

After teaching for four years I quit because it was FINALLY time to start having babies of my own. While waiting, I began nannying for a family with two children, Bella and Jude. Like all the other children in my life, those two found their way into my heart even though I knew they would be in my life on a temporary basis.

And then came Ella and Ava, the 16 month old twin girls I nanny for now. I met them at a time when my heart was already breaking in two because getting pregnant wasn’t happening month after month. Those girls were, and still are, like a soothing balm placed over a gaping wound.

All of these children are really: Grace, Evan, Hannah, Jonah, Bella, Jude, Ava, Ella.

God strategically placed them in my life for a specific purpose and a specific time.

As we started IVF I knew the possibility of never conceiving a child was staring me in the face. I’ve never shared this on the blog before but God opened our hearts towards adoption back in December.

What ripes my heart in two is that I thought adoption was the answer to having the 3 or 4 children I have always dreamed of. I thought God had opened our hearts towards adoption as a means of growing our family, not starting our family. I thought I would be okay if God chose to give us children through adoption only and not through birth but now as I am staring that reality in the face, I am not okay.

To say it hurts is an understatement.

It rips me to the core of who I have lived almost 28 years believing God created me to be.

And somehow, someway, I am going to have to release this desire to God, stand up once again, grit my teeth, armor myself with God’s Word and press forward STILL believing that God can and WILL make something beautiful out of all this.

Coming to the place of complete surrender is very hard, but very necessary.

For now, I need to cry and mourn as if someone has died because, in my mind, the blue-eyed, blonde-haired little girl I imagined looking just like her mommy, has died.

I’m a Mess

I’m a mess.

I’m worn slap out.

I feel like this is never going to happen.

And my mind has been consumed with what happens after March 27th.

How in the world can I spend all the money required for IVF and how in the world can I not spend the money to try again?

How is it that not only can I not conceive naturally but we try IVF and that is a bust as well?

Why did God put this strong desire in my heart to have a baby?

I’m tired of crying.

I’m tired of researching.

I’m tired of the pain.

I’m tired of failure after failure after failure.

I’ve never felt so hopeless in my entire life.

Can I be completely honest with you right now and say in my mind I feel forgotten even though I know in my heart God has not forgotten me.

I know God is still there through all this. He is just being very quiet and it is very hard when you just want some answers, some direction in where to go.

I want to believe God will work a miracle through The Lone Ranger but I know I must prepare my heart, body, soul and mind for another negative and the fact that we will again be faced with the infamous question of, “What’s next?”

As more time goes by I keep knocking the “options” out one-by-one.

Who would have ever thought this journey would lead us here?

I know the answer to that question … God … but for now I don’t feel I can walk another step.

But I also don’t feel I can give up quite yet either.

God is [still] [STILL] Faithful

First, I must preface this post with this statement:

I am not pregnant.

I know you already know that – but you will understand why I had to say that by the time you finish reading this post.

I’ve compared this journey to a roller coaster ride of many ups and downs. What I am about to say is … (I can’t come up with a word that adequately describes.)

You know what happened Wednesday. (Blood work day. Veins wouldn’t cooperate so they give me a urine pregnancy test, which was negative.)

They gave me orders to go get blood work done at Quest later on in the same day. I said, “I won’t go be poked again. I’ll just go home and wait for the period. If it doesn’t come, then I’ll go.”

So Wednesday comes and goes. No period.

Thursday. Still nothing.

Friday. I’m officially late.

Anyone going through this knows that even when there is a glimmer of hope that you may possibly be pregnant, you still remain guarded until you know for sure.

But by Friday I was allowing myself to think things like:

Is this the beautiful masterpiece that God had planned all along? That I would get negative results and days later test positive and actually have been pregnant all along?

I couldn’t help but imagine being able to surprise people with the news that I was pregnant! One of the biggest disappointments for me in fertility treatments is that there is no way to surprise people with the news of pregnancy. Unless, of course, you choose to keep the procedures quiet and not even tell people you are going through them. To me, that isn’t an option. The prayer support is a necessity when you are going through something like this.

Friday, while I was with the twins, I called T and told her here it was Friday and I had still not started. She told me to come in Saturday morning and she would do a blood test on me.

Around lunchtime I had some brownish, pinkish spotting.

Implantation spotting? But on Day 16 after ovulation? Typically implantation spotting is between days 6-12 after ovulation.

I called T back. She told me she would talk to Dr. L and call me.

When she called back, she told me Dr. L said it could possibly be implantation spotting.

By last night I was beginning to let myself believe this actually might be so.

Late period, implantation spotting and not feeling like I was going to start my period in the least bit.

Put all that together, mixed with a great desire that it be so, and I was more hopeful than ever this morning as we drove to the doctor’s for the blood work. I couldn’t wait to be able to tell everyone!

We walked into the doctor’s office and T was there to draw my blood.

She told us it would take about 20 minutes to run the test.

Tina let us stay with her as she ran the test. She explained the process to us. There were different phases. Finally, it was the last phase.

There was a printer that would print out the numbers and give the results. T was just as anxious as we were. When it was almost ready to spit out my results T went over there to the machine and just stared at the paper as it printed.

Meanwhile, Dave and I stood together a few feet away. My heart was pounding so hard. I remember thinking, “Maybe the nerves I feel would be how I would feel if I had to stand up and give a speech before thousands like the president has to.” Then I said, “T, when you see the number just tell me. Even if it’s not positive.”

It was seconds later when I heard T say, “No.” and she put her head down against the machine. I said, “No?” and burst into tears.

T hugged me like my Mama would have had she been there and I will always be grateful for that.

I think you could very easily say that this is possibly my greatest disappointment in life so far. I cannot explain to you the emotions of shock and confusion I felt upon hearing the word no.

But at the same time, I could not focus on the dream of today’s possibilities being flushed, once again, down the drain. Instead, my mind was flooded with the promises of God’s Word.

His Grace is sufficient. (2 Corn. 12:9-10)

I trust in the Lord. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

God has a plan and purpose. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I must be strong and courageous, for God is with me wherever I go. (Joshua 1:9)

As I sit and reflect back on the sequence of events over the past few days, it would be so easy to allow myself to believe God has played a cruel joke on us!

But I know in my heart that is not the God I serve.

I serve a loving God and I still believe He has something way better than even the potential scenario of today planned for us.

And today, I do hold this one piece of my jigsaw puzzle and wonder how in the world this could possibly fit into my masterpiece.

And then I think, “It’s a good thing it is not up to me to figure this one out!”

That’s God’s job and He is more than capable.

I will meet with Dr. L on Tuesday, October 28 at 9:00am. to discuss our next step. I will also have an ultrasound to see if there can be any medical explanation of the ordeal.

Pray for wisdom and discernment for Dr. L as we are at a crossroad and many decisions must be made.

Pray also that Dave and I will be obedient and listen to God as He shows us what’s next.

It is well with my soul.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

Spiritual Warfare

Do you believe in spiritual warfare?

I have experienced it in the past day and a half.

I feel like I am in the middle of running a marathon in the desert. I am weary beyond belief and just want to cross the finish line. I feel I can’t run a mile longer. I just want it to be over.

It’s a good thing God can move mountains with faith as small as a mustard seed because I’m pushing it right now to even have faith as small as a mustard seed.

All I can do is cry in anticipation of tomorrow.

Back to the issue of spiritual warfare …

I’ve said from the beginning of this marathon I want God to receive the glory through my circumstances. And I do.

Scroll down a few posts and look over all the names representing PRAYER tomorrow. Wherever God is at work, Satan is there working double-time. Satan knows no matter what happens tomorrow, God will receive glory. So he is working time and a half to destroy the mustard seed of faith I have.

Fear is one of his greatest weapons and he has used that against me.

As I’ve been a ball of tears the past two nights Dave has asked me, "Are you just afraid of what will happen Wednesday." I then mutter, "Yes."

FEAR.

Fear paralyzes. Fear cripples. Fear weakens. Fear destroys faith.

Satan plants fear in our hearts to destroy faith. He also tries everything in his power to change our focus and our perspective.

Instead of going to the Word of God for strength, so I can keep running to the finish line, I allowed myself to lose focus.

I went to the internet to read other infertility blogs, looking for hope. Big mistake.

I found a blog I had never read before. Sure enough, when the person found out she was pregnant she had experienced implantation spotting. Reading this only served to send me further into the depths of despair because I’ve experienced none of the early pregnancy symptoms most everyone I read about does experience once pregnant.

The point is that when you’re running a marathon in the desert the only thing your body screams for is water. The Word of God is like water to the person running a marathon in the desert.

Where should I have gone? The Word of God.

It is only there that I will find true hope and strength to keep running.

Fix these words of mind in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Deuteronomy 11:18

I woke up this morning thinking about all this. It dawned on me that Satan is attacking me. I simply cannot allow it.

Today my focus will be my faith, even though it is as small as a mustard seed. But God’s Word clearly says that is all it needs to be.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there and it will move." Nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20

[Do you realize just how small a mustard seed really is? A mustard seed is one-sixteenth of an inch in diameter!]

Satan may be able to rock my boat – but He cannot, in the name of Jesus Christ, capsize it.

AMEN!

Let me add one more prayer request for tomorrow …

3. Pray against the attacks of Satan. Satan must flee when just the name of JESUS is said.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

Tired of all the Drama

Today was one of those days where the burden of going through treatments just wears me down.

This cycle has been so different from the other three. So fast. And, consequently, more stressful than the others because everything that has had to come together for this cycle to happen, has had to come together in under a week!

Even though it has been very stressful on me, I have sensed the Hand of God on every aspect of this cycle…the oral drugs, the injections, the follicles and the sperm.

It’s all coming together and it looks like we will be inseminating again on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning.

At the ultrasound this morning Dr. L said there is a 17mm and 11mm in the left ovary and a 13mm in the right ovary. I will have 2 more vials of menopur tonight to help that 13mm follicle hopefully do some more growing and catch up. Then tomorrow night I will have the hCG shot to induce ovulation.

Technically, this is not the results we were looking for for this cycle. This was supposed to be a megastimulation cycle with the hopes of having 3 or 4 follicles ovulate. Dr. L seems to think that with another day of menopur we’ll have 2 follicles ready to ovulate…even so, not the results I was hoping for.

But, you know, I think of the prayer I prayed on Day One of this cycle…

God, I give this cycle to you. You know everything that needs to come together. You know how many sperm and You know how many eggs. And this time I am going to come before you daily and pray my heart’s desire… that You would choose to let it happen this cycle. Because of everything You have taught me since August 4th, I can rest assured, knowing if You do not choose to let it happen, it is ok. You just have something better planned. Since August of 2007, this journey has been nothing but amazing. I stand waiting with great expectation of what You will do next. To God be the glory. Amen!

Two follicles must be enough!

I started thinking today, How in the world does anyone go through something like this without Christ? Talk about a feeling of hopelessness! Then I was thinking that just because I have Christ through this trial in my life doesn’t mean I won’t have days of frustration and tears…like today.

The difference is HOPE…hope in Jesus Christ. What a gift. What a precious gift.

I leave you with a picture of my “Faith Rocking Chair”. My mom is knitting, stitch by stitch, a “Faith Blanket” that we will wrap our baby in before even leaving the hospital. Yesterday, my neighbor was having a garage sale and this rocking chair was for sale. I bought it and now it sits in the bedroom that will one day be the nursery.

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Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

One day I WILL rock my baby, swaddled in the “Faith Blanket”, in the “Faith Rocking Chair”!!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY