I have been going to the center on Tuesdays for a few weeks now to do various training activities.

This Tuesday, I got to sit in on a counseling session with one of the counselors who has been with this center for many years. It was my first time to see a counseling session first-hand and I was thrilled for the opportunity.

It was the client’s first visit. A pregnancy test is usually administered on the first visit.

The client brought her little cup into the counseling room and then all three of us walked over to the table so that the client could put some drops of her urine onto the test.

Standing at the table, with the pregnancy test laid out before us, I realized that my heart was literally pounding.

I had to stifle laughter.

I cannot remember the last time I took a pregnancy test. It has been years. YEARS!

But just the sight of that pregnancy test made my heart start pounding – just like it did all those years ago when it was time to test.

But this wasn’t even MY test!

I literally had to tell myself while standing there, “Elaine, calm down!!! This isn’t YOUR test!”

I was the time keeper.

We went back to the couches and I was to let them know when four minutes had passed.

Oh, the memories.

Memories of my heart pounding out of my chest as I stood in the bathroom for an eternity waiting for four minutes to pass so I could look at the little window and hope with everything within me that I would see two lines staring back at me.

Four minutes passed and we went back to the table.

There were two very obvious, dark lines on the window of that pregnancy test. It was the first positive pregnancy test I had ever seen.

One might think that experiencing something like that would bring back all the emotional baggage of infertility for me, but it did not – at all.

There was only relief.

Relief that chapter of my life story is in the past.

I know there was a time during my walk through infertility when witnessing a positive pregnancy test from a woman who doesn’t want to be pregnant would have been something that I wouldn’t have been able to handle.

But I stand ready now.

Because of my infertility, I have a message to share with women who clearly do not want to parent but also might be a little uncertain about the option of adoption.

I am so blessed that God has brought me to this place. I hope God will use my story to help someone who is in a crisis pregnancy see that adoption is a beautiful option.

Little Bug wrote the capital and lowercase G all by herself. She was so proud!

We are working on number recognition. We played the Large Gumball Counting Game from Confessions of a Homeschooler.

Each gumball has a number and a color. You can see the gumball machine with the number 4. Little Bug put four brown gumballs in that machine.

I was going to only put out 5 of the gumball machines, but when Little Bug saw there were more than five colors, she wanted them all out. I went with it and she ended up doing 8 out of the 10 gumball machines.

We went to the zoo and saw the giraffes! Little Bug got to feed them!

We played “Grocery Store” with fake dollar bills. This was easy to pull together. Just print the dollar bills, tape a price tag to some play food (I started with $1, $2 and $3), get out the play grocery cart and start playing!

We had a lot of fun with this!

She shopped for her items and then paid for them with the dollar bills.

When she ran out of money, she wanted more so I had her sell me some food to earn some more money!

Little Bug did an activity where she sorted the capital and lowercase Gs.

Little Bug was really into these activities and kept asking for more. I had planned to just do one, but we kept going! Next was a Gumball Size Sort activity. She put the gumball machine is size order – from biggest to smallest. I was impressed with how well she did this on her own. I thought she would need more help with this.

Then she worked on a Gumball Puzzle.

She wanted to do another puzzle after that so I went and got her big girl puzzle. It’s a jigsaw puzzle instead of the puzzles where each piece is separate.

I couldn’t resist this next activity when I found it here.

It’s called Glitter Germs!!

First, I read this book to Little Bug.

When I ordered the book I had no idea it was actually for school-aged children. The first part about the book (that germs are everywhere and germs spread from touching things, drinking after people, etc) was easy to understand so we just read that part.

Then, I put glitter on a paper plate (yes, I know glitter is evil but we took this activity outside and there was virtually no mess!) and told Little Bug that the glitter was germs!

I told her to touch the plate. She got “germs” all over her hands!

Then I had her touch some of her outside toys to see how germs transfer from our hands to objects.

She learned that only soap and water would wash away the glitter (germs)!

And…if it looks like Little Bug wears that pink flower dress everyday, she just about does!! It is her favorite dress right now!

It was simple and fun (which is my motto for everything crafty or educational that we do!).

Just tear pieces of construction paper and fold a whole sheet of paper into thirds. Write on the front the name of the person, write on the middle “I love you” and on the third part draw a heart with a marker and write “to pieces!”

Little Bug glued the pieces of construction paper on the front with the person’s name and then she glued more pieces onto the heart.

They turned out adorable!

Grandma…We love you to pieces!! Love, Little Bug and Sweet Pea (the pink paper on the bottom right is covering where I wrote their names)

I found this on Pinterest. Click here to see the link.

Top Left: Bisa (my grandmother), Sweet Pea and me, Debbie (Dave’s mother), Amanda (Dave’s sister)

Bottom Left: Norma (my mother), Little Bug, Hadyn (our niece), Wendi (Dave’s sister)

It was my first Mother’s Day as a mommy to two!

I can’t imagine being called "mommy" by any other little girls than these. Thankful today and every day for my infertility that lead me to these two.

I don’t normally do the “matching outfits” thing with the girls, but decided to have them match for Mother’s Day! Little Bug was SO excited about this when she saw her new dress on Sunday morning and then she saw the same dress, in a different size, for her baby sister.

It was pretty cute!

Barren, she went to the temple and poured her heart out before God.

I have been there. On my knees before God, begging and pleading with Him for this to be the month, for this treatment to be the one that results in pregnancy.

I can relate with her pain.

Infertility is an emotional pain that changes you as a person.

Today, my heart remembers that pain – that bitterness of soul when you long for something you have absolutely no control of gaining access to.

Every negative pregnancy test I saw left me wondering what was going to happen.

Would I ever experience the joy of motherhood?

God answered my heart cries in a way I didn’t see coming at all.

The best piece of advice I can give to someone who is experiencing this pain today is to cling to the promise of God found in Jeremiah 29:11. God has plans for us. Plans that will prosper us and bring us hope and a future.

I clung to that truth with every fiber of my being as those negative pregnancy tests continued to pile up month after month.

I clung to that as I lay on the examination table on the day I received the news that pregnancy was very unlikely for me.

I clung to that as we started our adoption journey, which was both exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

I clung to that as we awaited the birth of Little Bug and waited for her to officially become our daughter.

I clung to that 18 months later when we were told Little Bug’s birth mother was pregnant again and wanted to place with us…but then she deceived us and there really was no baby.

And I clung to that when we officially did begin our journey to #2 and walked the adoption path again, which lead us to our second daughter, Sweet Pea.

Sometimes, life’s circumstances bring us to a place where we have a choice to make: are we going to take matters into our own hands or are we going to choose to believe God has a plan and purpose?

Today, I pray if you find yourself in a battle against infertility, you will cling to this truth.

It’s hard to see today, I know, but if you believe with all your heart that God will make something beautiful of the pain and disappointment you are experiencing today, He will.

He will bless you more than you can imagine.

It is an adoption story from the point of view of the birth grandma.

It is a beautiful story. The adoptive mother and author of Pink Shoes, Maggie, encouraged others to repost this to spread the word about adoption – that it is a noble option for women and teenagers facing a crisis pregnancy.

Today, and every day, I am thankful for the two women who chose me to be the mother of their baby.

It was one year ago today that Sweet Pea’s birth mother chose Dave and me to parent Sweet Pea.

In honor of birth mothers, I post this written by Sharon Miller, a birth grandma:

It’s in the early morning when I’m having my first cup of coffee in the quiet house that I head over to Pink Shoes—a favorite blog of mine. It makes me smile and sometimes I just sit there laughing at the stories that Maggie, the blog’s author, tells.

Maybe it’s because I’ve raised 3 daughters and it brings me back to those early days when everyday things became an adventure. My daughters are practically grown now, they are 21, 19 and 16. And while I love watching them go out in the world and become confident, strong and caring young women, I also miss those fun days of playing in the snow, ice skating after school on our lake, swimming all day in the summer, playing games, reading books to them, having a houseful of little girl friends around giggling and talking nonstop.

But maybe—actually most definitely– it’s because my 19 year old daughter Tarah, is the birth mom of Georgia, the little girl that is the subject of most of the entries on this blog. Georgia reminds me so much of Tarah and also of my other daughters; Hannah and Helene. And Maggie, Georgia’s mom, reminds me of me as a mom. She is an amazing mom and she writes about everything I have felt about being a mom and raising my girls.

I love being a mom, it’s what I’ve always wanted to be. When I learned that Tarah was pregnant at 16 I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen. I guess because I felt like a failure as a mom. Didn’t I talk birth control enough and how did I not know her relationship with her boyfriend had progressed so far? I was embarrassed, scared and angry; most days I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

We decided Tarah would quit school for the trimester and the school helped us set up homeschooling. I didn’t want her walking through the halls pregnant with everyone talking about her. I felt so helpless, I couldn’t see anything good in this situation and I had always been able to see the positive in everything. I prayed and prayed. I willed myself to accept it—it was what it was—and I knew we had to work through it, we had to handle it well. God gives you answers if you really pay attention and that’s what I did.

I let go of the “I’m a failure as a mom” thing. I told everyone close to us and I told everyone at our church. I knew we would need the support of everyone we loved to make it through this. Tarah’s sisters were also there for her every step of the way. They were so supportive though this journey they were forced into. Sometimes I think they felt left out, but they were there through everything, supporting their sister. They are both amazing. I am so proud of all three of my daughters.

I’m still amazed at the amount of unconditional support we received. And we needed it, we had big decisions to make. We didn’t have a lot of time either. We found out Tarah was pregnant in November and she was due in March, just over 4 months to figure out the future of this little baby girl growing inside her.

From the beginning Tarah wanted to make an adoption plan for her baby. You see, my daughters had grown up without their father in their lives. He met someone else while we were married, left our home and eventually our state to start his new family. He was never there for them physically or emotionally. I tried, but I could never replace the loss they felt not having a dad in their lives. This is why Tarah was adamant about adoption; she wanted her daughter to have a mom and a dad in her life. She knew if we raised this little girl, she would start her life with visitation schedules, every other holiday schedules, and two homes. She also knew that at 16 she was not ready to be a good mom; the kind of mom that this little girl deserved.

Yes, she could have taken care of a baby. I was a pediatric nurse and I taught all my daughters baby care. We loved babies at our house; we are the kind of people that carry everyone’s baby, we beg to babysit, we plan special things just for kids…..we love them. My girls knew how to change diapers, use bottles and how to rock and pat a fussy baby. But raising a child was different, they are only a baby for a short time…….and then they’re toddlers and grade school kids, and adolescents, and…….and…..and.

So we started our journey toward adoption. The first agency we went to they gave us about 20 scrap books of potential families. We were so overwhelmed, how do you choose a family to raise this little girl, who could ever be good enough to trust our little girl’s life to? I wasn’t sure I could do this. So again I prayed for strength and it came from a couple we knew that had adopted their son 20 years ago. They told us, “if you’re not completely connecting with this agency, go to another one.” That sounds so simple but at this high stress time we had never thought about that and it really did sound overwhelming to start over again.

But we did it and we ended up with an amazing social worker who introduced us to Chris and Maggie. They were the only couple we met and after that first meeting we knew they would be our little girl’s parents. I’ll never forget that first meeting when we talked about what kind of adoption we wanted. We said we would love to get pictures just to see how she was doing and what she looked like growing up. That was really all we expected at that time. Who would have guessed it would turn out like it has.

About six weeks after that first meeting Tarah went into labor and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Georgia Elyse. Her middle name the same as Tarah’s. We spent an amazing weekend with her in the hospital. I spent the nights there and Georgia stayed in our room. Chris and Maggie came the day after she was born and we all sat together, taking pictures and holding her.

Releasing her was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Tarah dressed her and put her in the car seat, Maggie and Chris were there, we kissed her, we cried. I’ll never forget the emotion. Tarah had asked one of her nurses to come in to be with her during this process, she’d felt a real connection with her, and she did, on her day off. That was such a support for Tarah. This nurse had given Tarah a baby blanket to wrap Georgia in while in the hospital and then to take home to hold while she was missing Georgia; she still sleeps with it. Maggie was crying and we held each other. I told her to take her baby girl home and love her and I would take my baby girl home and love her.

I knew everything was going to be ok, hard but ok.

Chris and Maggie had given us their address, home phone number and cell phone number. That gave me such comfort. You see, as hard as this was there was never a point when Tarah or I ever changed our mind, or ever thought this wasn’t the right decision—we knew it was what was best for this little girl, for Georgia. I was so proud of Tarah. I had done a good job raising her; she was a strong, brave loving young woman.

So we went home, it felt so lonely. Tarah slept with me and her blanket. We cried. I wanted to call and go see Georgia the first day home. Tarah said no, we needed to let go first. How wise she had become. We enrolled her back in school and that Friday, just one week after giving birth she was in school all day trying to catch up. And she did.

She graduated 2 years later with honors, a member of student council and was accepted into Michigan State University. She was where she was supposed to be and Georgia was where she belonged; the adoption was working exactly as it was intended to work—how any adoption can work.

Meanwhile, during those 2 years we saw Georgia often. Chris, Maggie and Georgia had become a part of our family. They came to our house and we went to theirs. They are a family, Chris and Maggie are Georgia’s parents. There has never been a point where I thought any differently or regretted our decision. I love seeing them and since the day she was born Georgia’s picture has been my screen saver on my phone. I look at her face every day and smile. Maggie is an amazing mom and Chris is the kind of dad every girl dreams of. Georgia will always know where she came from and that she is loved so much by her adoptive family and her birth family.

It has been so wonderful being able to be a part of her life. I never dreamed we would be this involved, but I truly believe it is the best thing for Georgia. We don’t see her as often now, but I think of her every day. I talk about the adoption to everyone. Most people look at me like I’m crazy, “isn’t it so hard to see her,” they ask. “No,I love seeing her, there’s nothing hard about it.” I feel so lucky and privileged to be a part of her life.

Maggie has done such a good job of talking about adoption to her that even at her young age she knows she came out of Tarah’s tummy and her mom and dad took her home from the hospital. She knows that I am Tarah’s mom, but I’m not her grandma [everyone asks if she calls me grandma]. She is comfortable in our home and when they come over it feels like family. She looks [and sometimes acts] like Tarah, but she also looks and acts like Maggie and Chris. Tarah and Maggie are a lot alike; they have the same style and personality. We fit together so well. Our friends and family have all met Chris, Maggie, and Georgia.

I love watching Tarah and Georgia play together. There is nothing sad or hard about it. Georgia is where she belongs, where she was meant to be. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and if you just pay attention God will show you the way. That’s how one of the worst things I thought could happen became one of the best.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that adoption isn’t about “giving up” a baby, it’s about choosing to give a child the best chance for a stable and secure life. Adoption is about everyone doing what’s best for the child. Maybe if more people talked about adoption it would become a more accepted choice when teenagers get pregnant. I know that I had no idea what to expect when we first began this journey, but I do know that it has been an amazing one, one that I feel blessed to be on.

I found a saying in the book store the other day that sort of sums it up “ just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly…”

Adoption is my butterfly.

Written by Sharon Miller

I am so excited about this.

We went for a tour of the school at the end of March and met her teacher (who I have known since I was a kid)!!

Little Bug was beyond excited, which is why I am so excited about this.

My girl LOVES being around people.

The current class was having story time on the carpet with the teacher. We walked in the room and Little Bug didn’t hesitate to join them on the carpet.

She had a blast exploring the classroom and playing on the school playground.

I feel pre-k is going to be good for Little Bug because she will get out of the house for three hours two days a week and she will be able to make some new friends.

I think this is going to be a great experience for her.

It is hard to believe my baby is old enough for “school”, but I do look forward to going shopping with her for a backpack and first day of school outfit!

August 21st will be her first day of school!

All four kids playing with blocks on the living room floor.

Sweet Pea eventually reached as far as she could and grabbed one of Micah’s blocks! Little Bug is being her usual goofy self. Micah is intent on his creation and Levi is his happy little self sitting over there watching everyone!

While Little Bug and Micah played at the park, the babies hung out together in their strollers!

We went to the zoo!

And a favorite with these two is always Little Bug’s pool!

Levi had to borrow Sweet Pea’s pink bumbo to eat his dinner!

Hard to believe these babies are already 9 months old!

We will be celebrating their first birthdays before we know it!

So grateful for Rebecca’s friendship and the two babies that brought us together!

It was so much fun to go and pick out every thing from cabinets to door knobs for our home. It was so exciting to drive by the property and see the progress made as our home was being built.

Dave moved in after closing and I moved in just a couple months later after our wedding. We spent our first night together, our wedding night, in our home. Over the next two years, we saw many negative pregnancy tests. And, eventually, we brought our first daughter, Little Bug, to our home. Two years and two months later, we welcomed Sweet Pea. I have spent the past almost 3 years taking care of our children in this home. I have enjoyed keeping up the house and being a homemaker.

Lots of special memories have been made in this home.

We knew the day would come when we would possibly outgrow this house as our family grew. And, that time has come. We certainly haven’t outgrown this house now, but we would really like to find a house and move closer to the area of town that Dave works. And, should God lead us to adopt again in the future, one more bedroom sure would be nice.

We’ve actually been considering moving for about a year now. Every once in a while, we look at websites to see what is for sale in the area we would like to move.

About a couple months ago, we started looking again. We found this beautiful house in the perfect location.

I think we both could picture ourselves living there when we saw this:

Deck off the master bedroom overlooking water. It was beautiful!

Dave called the agent to see if we could take a look at the house. He was told it was already under contract. We were pretty bummed.

The next day, Dave just didn’t feel that the person he had spoken with knew what he was talking about, so he called someone else, and sure enough, the house was not under contract.

So, we made an appointment to go take a look inside the house. This house was only 500 square feet bigger than our current house, but the way Dave and I saw it was, if this house had three decent sized bedrooms, we were willing to give up the extra bedroom to be on that property in that perfect location. It’s not the end of the world if two kids end up having to share a bedroom.

Well, we walked upstairs to take a look at the bedrooms and…

…they were closet-size! Seriously! The bedrooms in our current home are way bigger! I could not picture Little Bug and Sweet Pea sharing either of those rooms as teenagers. We were bummed…again.

You just don’t find a house in the city without neighbors breathing down your back. To the left of this house was the beautiful pond area and to the right, the nearest neighbor’s house was a good distance away. That house really was on the perfect property.

The up and down of dealing with this house was another reminder to me that God is in control of this house hunting business just like He was in control of our adoption journey.

It has been cool to take the truths I learned while walking that road and apply it to something like trying to find a new house to move in to.

Who knew buying a house could be stressful business filled with ups and downs?!? (Apparently not me! But then again, in my almost 31 years I have moved only twice. Yes, you read that correctly. I moved when I was 2 years old when my dad was transferred to where they live now. And then I moved again when I married Dave at the age of almost 26.)

About a week later, we went to look at another house. Actually, Dave went to look at it by himself because I was sick. When he showed me the picture of the master bedroom closet, I immediately told him he had lost his mind:

That closet was the size of a bedroom!!!

No thank you. I do not want to clean a house that size!

We had planned for me to go back and see the house in person, but then we decided to wait the rest of this year out before looking again.

It is interesting to me that at the time we were looking at these houses it was almost one year ago that we were told by Susan that Melody no longer wanted to work with her. That was April 20th. We let that adoption situation go, assuming that just wasn’t our baby.

Little did we know that 3 weeks later on May 12th, we would officially be match with Melody through our lawyer, Emily, and that baby was indeed our baby – our Sweet Pea!

God is in control of all things.

Home buying included.

And we are trusting him to show us the right house at the right time!

It is hard to adequately describe this girl in words.

At almost 3 years old, I still cannot take my eyes off her or she gets herself into trouble.

I can remember my life as “stay at home mom” dramatically changed once Little Bug started walking. I did not want to completely baby-proof my house because I wanted her to learn about boundaries and limits.

So, we did the necessary baby-proofing to make the house “safe” and then she had four “no-no’s”: the centerpiece on the coffee table, the picture frames on the end tables, the TV and the blinds. All of those things were off limits and she was not allowed to touch them.

And so began my days of training and disciplining my child.

I can remember days where it felt like ALL I did was train her to not touch her no-no’s! I was very consistent and by 18 months or so, she pretty much left those no-no’s alone. She would go through phases where I wondered if my training was doing any good for her and then she would go through phases where she would not test her boundaries at all.

As we are nearing age 3, which I have heard MANY mothers claim is a very hard age, I find myself completely exhausted at the end of the day from training and disciplining Little Bug.

We’ve reached a new level in the past two weeks or so.

Let me give you an example: This morning, I went to lay Sweet Pea down for her nap. Pup was outside and I told Little Bug to not let her in until I got back because I needed to wash her paws before she walked on the new carpet. I asked her if she understood and she said she did.

I am in the middle of changing Sweet Pea’s diaper when I hear the back door open.

I could hardly believe it because this was open defiance! I had just told her to wait until I got back to let Pup in and moments later, she completely disobeys and lets Pup in?!? Really?

Oh, my blood was boiling at this point. I have noticed lately that I allow my frustration to show to Little Bug and that is totally NOT good. I know I need to remain emotionless when discipline her, but oh my goodness, this girl is a tough one.

I walked into the living and asked Little Bug what she did and she told me.

I calmly (by the grace of God) walked over to her, took her hand and we started walking towards my bedroom where the pack n play is. Little Bug asked, “Where are you taking me?”. I told her and then pick her up and put her in the pack n play, turned around and walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind me.

I needed time to cool my boiling blood and to pray. Little Bug, of course, immediately starts crying because she knows she has disobeyed and she knows the consequence isn’t going to be fun.

I went to the laundry room and decided to get a head start on the vacuuming I had planned to do that day. I vacuumed the living room while praying that God would give me what I need to discipline my child in love so that I can mold her heart to the ways of God.

Less than 10 minutes later, I was ready to go talk to Little Bug.

I got her out of the pack n play and put her on my bed and began talking to her about what she had done.

Little Bug seems to have an attitude of pride when she does wrong, so I told her she can choose the bad choice if she wants, but it is Mommy’s responsibility to give her the consequence of that choice – and the consequence isn’t going to be good.

We talked about the verse in the Bible that says “Children are to obey their parents in the Lord for this right.” She could recite the entire verse to me.

We finished talking and I carried out her consequence.

Later that same day, I was siting in the living room talking to Rebecca, who had just come into town, when I hear pen marks on the furniture.

I immediately said, “Little Bug, where are you?”

Out from behind the chair she comes. I go behind the chair to see the multitude of pen marks with the pen laying on the floor.

My frustration showed on that one because…seriously?? She knows we do not write on furniture!!!! What is she thinking??? And why in the world is she proud of this?

Rebecca told me something days before this incident that I know will forever stick with me as long as I am raising children.

She told me she reminds herself her children are “just sinners who need Jesus” and it is her job to help mold and train them in the ways of the Lord.

When she said that, it totally changed my perspective, because that is so true.

We are all born sinners. We don’t choose to do the right thing naturally. It is in our nature to do the wrong thing, to sin.

Little Bug is a sinner, just like her mama and all of creation.

This girl is going to make me gray in the next decade. She is strong-willed. That is for sure. The things she already comes up with at the age of 2 are astounding. I am going to have to always be on my game with this one.

I want nothing more than to see this girl grow up and put all this energy or whatever you want to call it into something that will glorify God.

The responsibility I feel for helping her achieve this is overwhelming sometimes!

Parenting is not for the weary or faint of heart. I will put my all into molding her heart. I know God is going to use this girl for His glory.

We just have to make it past age 3!