Loss of a dream

This is something I wrote on July 28th.

Ok – one more thing heavy on my heart & then I think it will be time for me to begin taking action in moving forward by moving through the motions of each day until the grief passes & life again feels normal. I have no idea how long that will take but I do have 3 children who need me & I need to be there for them.

What hurts me the most is just another loss of a dream.

I’ve shared before how since childhood I have desired to mother 4 children. To me, this baby was my dream come true and I was in awe of the way God had chosen to build my family. I still am in awe, obviously, because each of my children have come to me in ways that only God could have orchestrated.

Just like my children didn’t think of this baby as THEIR baby, I didn’t think of this child as MY baby. With every adoption I have kept myself guarded until TPR is signed at least 48 hours after birth. (Except for Sarge.) So because of this, I feel more of a loss of a dream than the loss of a particular child. I am not sure if that makes any sense whatsoever, but that is my thought process and guarding my heart certainly was wise in this particular situation.

On the flip side, as soon as I would have heard that she had signed her rights to us, the flood gates would have been let down and that baby would have been wholly and completely MINE. I could not wait to look at those 4 children and just stand in awe of all GOD had done! It was going to be beautiful – but it was not God’s ultimate plan.

So, in many ways, all this takes me emotionally right back to where I was in March 2009 when I was told my dream of pregnancy & childbirth was not likely at all, which is a huge blow & a lot to process! Except then, it was obvious where God was leading: to adoption. Right now, we just don’t know where God is leading our family after this.

All the options are scary, but we are left with both feeling like our family isn’t quite complete yet. (Perfect stage for for God to perform another miracle!)

Which again brings me to the S-word. Surrender.

That’s where I ultimately need to get to with this situation & it’s just going to take some time to get there.

I KNOW in my head, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God WILL lead us through these deep waters. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we WILL have a 4th child at some point, but it also doesn’t necessarily mean that He is saying “no” to a 4th either. It’s just going to take time to seek the Lord and walk in the direction He leads.

We want immediate answers! But that isn’t how God works most of the time. As Dave keeps saying, “We will walk through whatever opportunities God presents to us, just like we walked into this opportunity by faith back in March.”

We have no regrets in saying yes to this baby, when God eventually said no. (Isn’t that ironic? This time we said yes and God said no. With Sarge, we said no and God said yes!) His ways are higher than our own and in simple child-like faith, we just simply need to trust Him with this.

We will get there, eventually. Each new day puts us a little further away from all the pain and heartache of this and a little bit closer to discovering God’s plan for us next.

We will persevere & push forward. We refuse to have a “victim mentality” here because that only hurts us and our family. In the meantime, we will feel deeply what we feel, work through it together, and…just keep walking by faith because that’s all any of us can do when we find ourselves in deep waters.

I do wish I could snap my fingers and be “over it” all today. Haha, wouldn’t that be nice, but that isn’t reality. God made emotions and we are pretty much feeling them all right now.

 

Daniel 3: But even if he does not

Daniel 3 has brought us much peace through this.

This is something I wrote on July 27th and I wanted to share it here too.

This continues to be a very difficult day for our family. I think most of us are just confused as to why God has chosen, as far as what it looks like right now, to not place this baby in our family, especially when the options of where he is going or will end up are not very promising situations.

I wish I had a concrete answer, but I do believe Daniel 3 speaks to this situation very well. And, in times like this, it is ONLY in the Word of God that we can find peace.

Daniel 3 is about King Nebuchadnezzar who had made an image of gold that was ninety feet high and nine feet wide. He set it up and then everyone was commanded to fall down and worship this image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.

Verse 6 tells us that “Whoever does not fall down and worship will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.”

Verse 7, everyone is falling down in worship to this image, and in verse 12 it is brought to the King’s attention that there are some Jews – Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego – who are paying no attention to this command to worship this golden image.

Furious with rage, Nebuchadnezzar summoned Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and the 3 men were brought before the King. In verse 14, the King says to them, “Is it true, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, that you do not serve my gods or worship the image of gold that I have set up?” The next verse, they are directly warned that if they choose to not worship, they will be thrown into a blazing fire.

It is their response that grabbed my attention.

Daniel 3:17-18, “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O King. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

What tremendous faith in the face of adversary!

We’ve been in a “blazing furnace” over the past week. We have all prayed and prayed and prayed – many of you have even told me how you have weeped before the Lord on behalf of this child – that God would rescue this situation and place this baby in our arms. We have believed that He can do it.

The next six words are so incredibly powerful: But even if he does not.

But even if God did not rescue them from the fiery furnace Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego told the King that they will STILL worship God and not the king’s false god that he had created out of gold.

At this time, it appears that God is NOT going to place this baby with us. We’ve all been waiting for that moment where I get a phone call and Charlene tells me that by a miracle of God she just showed up at the office and wanted to sign. But, that is not the direction it looks like God is moving in at this time, even though we all know He still could (and many of you have told me you are still praying to that end).

But even if God does not place this child in my arms, I cannot turn away from God and feel abandoned or forgotten or even worse…feel like there is no God.

I must rise above it all and know that God is still God and even though I do not understand what He is doing at this time, He is good and He will reveal His plan for our family in His time.

God is still worthy to be praised and glorified and the best way I can do that today in my grief is to, once again, surrender my life, my current circumstances, my broken heart AND this child that I so desperately wanted to love and by my son, to Him.

It’s all too big for me to handle on my own and I don’t have to handle it on my own. Knowing this child is out there, alive and living and not with me is a hard pill to swallow but ultimately I have rest in the knowledge that God created this child and loves this child more than I ever possibly could.

The waters surrounding me today are turbulent and deep, but I am not sinking. I am firmly anchored to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The waves can crash around me and on me, but I will stand firm in the promises found in His Word.

To walk away from God for not acting in the way that we thought and prayed He would, is pointless. Even though today hurts very badly and I wish God had spared our family from these circumstances, we have hope tonight.

Our hope is in the Lord. We live in a fallen world full of sin and darkness. It is everywhere we look. But my God offers hope to anyone who is ready to receive it. I hope every single person that has been following this and praying for this situation KNOWS the God of Hope I am speaking about right now. If you do not, I would be glad to tell you all about Him. Just call, text or message me!

I would love to bypass the grieving phase and move right on in to what God has next for us. We both firmly believe our family is not complete, but at this time, we have no clue where God is going to take us next.

God’s got this…we just don’t know what that looks like yet. 

Outcome

She did not place.

While this has been a very difficult week, our hope and trust is in the Lord.

We both feel tremendous peace that can only come from God.

Thank you for your faithful prayers.

URGENT Prayers

This situation continues to become so dark. Her actions aren’t making sense….until this morning and it is going to take an act of God to turn her heart.

We believe we are dealing with a case of human trafficking. Based on her actions & responses to our solutions to her “problems”, this is the only thing that makes sense.

There is a spiritual war over the soul of this innocent child and all we can do is plead the blood of Jesus over this child for his safety. Plead the blood of Jesus over this woman & that she would not be able to go through with this.

Please pray and get every prayer warrior you know to pray.

It’s all for His glory

Telling Emily (adoption agency) what I told her was so freeing. Yesterday & today have been so incredibly hard, waiting. The waiting was physically affecting me today to where I was having to tell myself to breath so I wouldn’t have a panic attack or literally go insane. (I know that sounds crazy, but that is where I was.)

Telling Emily not to call unless she has signed made “the wait” disappear and there was instantaneous peace. I was able to get up, go out and see my children & somewhat feel human again.

The pain is deep and it is hard to make sense of anything. But there are a few things I know.

I was dreading the “48 hour wait” more than anything with this adoption process. Having done this 3 other times, I remember clearly the agony the waiting is. Apart from waiting on news about the health of one of my children, family or friends, I cannot imagine anything more agonizing to wait on! It is pure emotional torture.

I hoped God would allow the signing to be a smooth, easy process, but at the same time, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it wouldn’t be.

Why?

Because with this current scenario, we are pretty much in a situation where we are at the mercy of God to ACT on behalf of this innocent child and intervene and DO ANOTHER MIRACLE to place him in our home.

I may know THAT but I am NOT God and ultimately I DON’T know what God’s plan is for this child and our family. Maybe He is going to use these crazy worldly circumstances to intervene in a way that we will all clearly know GOD is GOD. Or maybe He has another plan for our family that we are unaware of today.

Either way, I can guarantee you this: God will receive the glory!!!

If there is anything I have learned over the past decade from the moment my dream of pregnancy was stripped away, it is that God uses our trials and tribulations in this broken world to bring Himself Glory so that others may come to know and trust in Him as well.

And where does this leave little ol’ me? I am a complete disaster today, for certain, but ultimately I know my place in this: surrender. And, I am getting there, slowly but surely.

God is either going to perform another miracle in bringing THIS baby to us OR He is going to show Dave & myself a new direction. You better believe I have begged God not to hand me the “failed adoption” card, but ultimately, I want His will.

That’s what surrender is all about. I can’t see where this is going right now, but I KNOW God is faithful and, no matter what happens today or next week or never, BIG THINGS ARE COMING.

God hasn’t brought us this far to drop us on our heads. He will show me the way through this trial just like He has always done in the past.

We wait on the LORD.

Over

She is MIA once again and not following through with the plans she makes. We have told our agency not to call us again UNLESS she has actually signed. The emotional turmoil is too much and, at this point, we are assuming this is not our child.

Urgent Prayers

We are in the middle of major drama.

Major drama is when God can best receive glory, so we are waiting on the Lord and trusting in Him in this time.

Please pray for everyone involved.